An Ever Fixéd Mark (59 page)

“He’s … when he’s like that, he’s not the
Oliver of Lily’s memories. He’s not… Thomas,” Lizzie blinked her
eyes, hoping her weakness wouldn’t give way to tears. How could the
Oliver who was so tender, so kind, so concerned about the
environment, who listened to her… how could he be a manic, deluded
monster? “If he drinks good blood, he will be all right, won’t
he?”

“He doesn’t always take good blood.”

“My blood wasn’t…” Lizzie looked away from
him. She could feel the plastic of the wire against her neck. “It
hadn’t been long enough.”

“Long enough?”

Lizzie drew in the oxygen to summon her
courage to be honest. She didn’t tell Oliver her blood wasn’t good
enough. He drank it and went mad. “I was a source to another
vampire.”

She saw the tension harden his jaw. “Who did
you feed?” The anger in his eyes was unmistakable. She never saw
him bare that emotion so boldly. Not even when she told him about
Oliver.

“Her name is Claire Chamberlain.”

“
Matthew Chamberlain’s
widow?”

Lizzie swallowed. She wanted to tell him it
provoked vivid images of him and Lily. That she went there because
she missed the sensation. That she wanted to be with a vampire…
like him. None of that came to her mouth. The shame numbed her
speech and crept down her throat. “It was…” she tried to begin a
sentence when a familiar dark haired woman walked into the
room.

“Hi Lizzie,” Dr. Chiang greeted as she
picked up the chart at the foot of her bed. There was no pause to
acknowledge their mutual truths. That Dr. Chiang was a vampire or
that Lizzie was a source. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Lizzie couldn’t look at Ben.

“You’ve got some color back,” the doctor
smiled at Ben.

“Ben says we should let you have some dinner
tonight. So I think we can take this off,” she removed the IV from
her arm. “But I’d like to keep the heart monitor on you for one
more night.”

As she stepped back to the foot of the bed,
Ben rose and whispered something to her. Lizzie couldn’t understand
all the words he was speaking, but knew he was telling her about
Claire. Lizzie felt Dr. Chiang’s eyes look over her again.
“Actually, Elizabeth,” she startled Lizzie with the change of her
name. “I would like to have you stay at the clinic for a couple
days. I want to keep you under observation.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary, Kate,” Ben
interjected. “She can stay with me. I can keep an eye on her.”

Dr. Chiang smiled at Lizzie and cast a
knowing glance towards Ben. “That’s all right with me. Is that okay
with you, Elizabeth? No need to occupy one of our beds when you
have a chance to stay at that swanky new apartment.” Lizzie forced
a grin of agreement even though she felt a sting at the fact that
Dr. Chiang knew more about where Ben lived presently than she did.
“You’re a very lucky girl, Elizabeth. You have some very concerned
doctors looking out for you.”

“I am lucky,” she sank back against her
pillow as Ben whispered a few more sentences to Dr. Chiang. Her
head was too clouded to understand if she should be worried about
the doctor’s added concern or about Ben’s anger. Did he really want
her to come to her new apartment? Or was he just protecting her
from Oliver until he had a clean source of blood?

“Kate is going to have them bring you some
dinner,” Ben’s voice pulled her focus back after Dr. Chiang
left.

“Great,” Lizzie didn’t have an appetite for
food, especially Mt. Elm food.

“You are going to be okay,” Ben rested his
hand on her arm as he sat back in the chair. “I’m sorry if I was
too bold saying that you would stay with me. But I can promise you
that it is much more comfortable than the clinic.”

Lizzie looked at the flowers by her bed. “If
you knew Oliver was dangerous, why did you go to Chicago?”

“Because you left me, Elizabeth. I thought
that was what you wanted. For the first time you remembered me with
Lily… and instead of staying with me, you went to him,” his eyes
weakened from anger to the sorrow she had never seen.

“Why did you come back?”

“Keith told me you came to the apartment. I
knew something happened. I knew it was Oliver. I wanted to be here
the next time you needed me.”

She looked at his eyes, feeling shame and
guilt for ever doubting him. For ever doubting he wanted anything
except her wellbeing. “I… I’m sorry.”

“I’m just grateful you are okay. That he
didn’t…” he reached for her hand. She wrapped her fingers around
his hand and felt the comfort of his grip. It was real. Not a
dream. Not a ghostly meeting in a parking lot. He was there beside
her, holding her hand and looking at her with the green gray
eyes.

“Ben, I…” she began as a nurse entered with
her food. Ben let go of her hand and arranged the table in front of
her. He went back to his laptop to cue her focus on the meal.
Lizzie took a half hearted bite of spaghetti then lifted her eyes
to see him looking at her. He shifted his glance quickly, but she
was certain it held the intensity of the stare he gave Lily.

Chapter
Thirty-Seven

“Wow,” Lizzie couldn’t contain her amazement
as she followed Ben into the apartment. It was a big open space,
with no walls separating the living, dining, and kitchen areas. The
stylish furnishings and shiny new kitchen were lit by floor to
ceiling windows revealing the Charles River below. A spiral
staircase went up to a loft on the second story.

“
I wanted a new place when
I came back from Chicago,” he bit his lip. “I was rather
self-indulgent.”

“It’s a nice space,” Lizzie walked to the
windows and admired the budding leaves on the trees along Storrow
Drive.

“I didn’t bring much from the old
apartment,” he bit his lip. “Just a few boxes.”

“I like it,” Lizzie turned back to him,
wondering what happened to Maria’s china.

“There are three bedrooms upstairs,” Ben
paused. “Do you want something to eat? I’m afraid there’s nothing
in the kitchen. Not even plates. But, there are a couple places
that can probably deliver lunch.”

“I’m not that hungry,” she looked towards
the kitchen with its polished marble counter and stainless steel
appliances. “Why am I here, Ben? Is there something wrong with
me?”

“You just need to take it easy,” he guided
her away from the window to one of the couches.

“I could take it easy at home. What are you
and Dr. Chiang afraid will happen?”

“It’s just a precaution, Elizabeth,” he
brightened his eyes.

“
A precaution for what?”
she folded her arms across her chest.

“
Sometimes when a source
has a low red blood cell count, there are additional
risks.”

“Additional to bleeding to death?”

“The chemical in our teeth – that
anestatizes the pain of the cut – gets into the bloodstream of all
sources. If there aren’t sufficient red blood cells, there is a
risk of mutation.”

“Mutation?”

Ben met her eyes and nodded. “You had a lot
of healthy blood pumped into you, Elizabeth. It has been well over
36 hours, when most symptoms manifest themselves.”

Lizzie unfolded her arms and touched the
wound at her neck. “When you say mutation, do you mean that I could
become … one of you?”

“Not entirely,” he shook his head, as if to
conceal an unpleasant thought. “But often the only cure is a
transfusion of blood from one of us, which means… the mutated
source would…”

“Become a vampire,” Lizzie swallowed. “Does
this happen often?”

“No – not with regulations for source
feeding,” Ben hardened his jaw.

“Why didn’t you explain this to me
before?”

“I never thought it would become an issue,
Elizabeth. I didn’t think that you would… be a source for anyone
else.”

Lizzie felt her cheeks flame. It was a fair
remark. He made it with a very neutral tone and without a hint of
nastiness. “Ben, when you came to my room on Monday and you found
me… you could have saved me, couldn’t you?”

“I did save you,” he left the couch.

“Yes, but if… if the ambulance didn’t come
in time, you could have given me your blood.”

“That wouldn’t be saving you.”

“You said you thought about it.”

“I did. I have. I don’t know if I could ever
do it,” he faced her. “I know I would never do that without giving
you a choice, Elizabeth. I would hate for it to be a choice you
have to make.”

“
Why did you change, Ben?
Did Charlotte trick you?”

“She did… but… it was a long time ago.”

“Was there someone else – was there a Lily
between you?”

“Charlotte seduced me when I was a drunk in
a tavern. She fed on me for nearly a year. I had a head for money
and figures that was very useful to her. I was a business
investment,” Ben’s voice had the anger she heard when she mentioned
the Chamberlains. “I wanted her power.”

“Is that what you were like when you were a
farmer?”

“I don’t remember,” Ben shook his head. “I
honestly don’t remember very much about those years before the
Fulton scheme. I don’t want to remember.”

“Not even your own life? You were married
and had children. You said you loved them.”

“It’s a distant dream.”

“What’s the point of living so long if you
can’t remember the life you want to last forever?”

“I didn’t want to remember it when I
changed.”

“But you choose to remember…”

“Yes, I choose to remember her,” Ben crossed
back to entrance where he left his briefcase.

“Will you remember me?”

“I don’t… I don’t think about it that way.
You are here right now.”

“You want me here?” she stood from the couch
and took a hesitant step towards him.

“Yes,” he clutched his briefcase and watched
her take slow steps towards him.

“
I know why Lily chose
him.” Ben didn’t respond. He kept his focus, but left the silence
for her to fill. “I know why Oliver killed Charlotte. That’s what
we were talking about before he…” Lizzie stopped moving. “Charlotte
told Oliver she knew Lily was pregnant. Lily told you. She told you
first… you were the only one she ever told.”

Ben took in a breath and walked away. She
watched him disappear through a door under the spiral staircase.
Lizzie waited a few minutes, expecting him to return. Did he go get
something? Did he need to collect himself before he told her the
complete truth? Several minutes passed and Ben did not return. Did
something distract him from coming back? She went through the door
under the stairs and found him behind a computer at a desk. “Don’t
you have anything to say?”

“What is there to say, Elizabeth?”

“That’s why – that’s why it all
happened.”

“It was two hundred years ago, Elizabeth.
There are more current events that have bearing on the present,” he
looked at her intently.

“It has everything to do with the present,
Ben. It’s why I’m here. It’s why I … it’s why I let him…” she
looked down and touched the spots on her neck again. “He needed to
know Lily forgave him for killing their child.”

“You aren’t Lily,” he went back to
typing.

“I didn’t want this, Benjamin,” she snapped
back. “Do you think I want her memories creeping into my brain at
night? Or when I’m sick with a fever? Don’t you think I want to be
in possession of my own feelings and make a choice based on what my
heart wants and not what some poor girl who died miserably never
got to have?”

“I didn’t think you wanted to have anything
to do with her,” he still looked at the computer. “You were the one
… you made the decision to let her make your choices.”

“But you loved Lily. Isn’t that what you
wanted? Isn’t that why you were with me? So YOU could have your
second chance? So you could feel as though she forgave you for
taking Oliver away and making him into the creature that took her
child? You didn’t spend time with Sara and me at Springs because
you had any interest in Elizabeth. You were waiting for the day
that I remembered Lily. You told me you wanted me to remember that
you were with her. You wanted me to be Lily.”

“No,” he looked away from the computer. “I
wanted you to be Elizabeth. I didn’t want to tell you about Lily
and how she felt about me. I didn’t want to force that thought into
your mind and make you see it that way.”

“But you told me about Lily. You told me
about Oliver. Didn’t you force those thoughts into my head?”

“Did I?”Ben stood up from his chair and came
in front of her. “I told you because you asked me. Because you
wanted to know.”

“Are you going to blame me for all of this?”
she felt the exhaustion of her body start to tease her. “Are you
going to blame me for the fact that by sleeping with me you
prompted whatever part of my mind hid Lily’s existence? That for
thirty-three years I had no idea about this? It wasn’t until you
came into my life again that I had any… desire to know a thing
about Lily. It wasn’t until you came into my life again that Oliver
felt he could…”

He grabbed her by the elbows. His thumb
pressed against the wound left by the IV, but she wouldn’t let him
see the pain she felt. “You came to me. You came to me by the
river. You wanted this as much as I,” he looked at her intensely.
The anger she saw with mention of the Chamberlains crept back into
his expression. “You made the choice to leave. You went to him.
You, Elizabeth, made the decision to become his lover and give him
your blood. You can’t blame Lily for that. You can’t use her
tragedy as an excuse for your cruelty.”

Lizzie’s lip trembled and the tears pooled
in her eyes. He released his grasp of her arms and pushed her away.
“Do you want me to go back to him?” she rubbed the inside of her
left elbow.