An Ever Fixéd Mark (57 page)

“And…” he turned his focus back to the slow
moving traffic. “I’ve done a lot of thinking since January. Since
you said you didn’t want… if you don’t want to be in a
relationship, Lizzie, that’s fine. I would rather have your
friendship than nothing at all and a whole country separating
us.”

“Us? What about that other… the source you
were dating?”

“You said I kept looking for Lily in all the
women I’ve been with. You were right. I do look for her, for
you.”

Lizzie took in a deep breath and focused on
the New Hampshire plate on the car in front of them. “Oliver…”

“I just want… I want to see you and be able
to talk with you – about your work, about your crazy friends, about
books, about the world. Is that inappropriate?”

“No,” she read the ‘live free or die’ logo
and thought of Lily. “I don’t think it is.”

“Good.”

“I got really sick last week,” Lizzie
thought she could see a break in the traffic in the distance.

“You did?”

“A couple days after I saw you, I got food
poisoning,” Lizzie could tell he didn’t understand her swift
conversation shift. She didn’t know if she wanted to finish the
impulse. But the oxygen flow to her brain was still too slow to
stop her. “I thought I was pregnant for about a half hour.”

“A baby,” Oliver’s voice was barely audible.
“I didn’t think you were involved in a serious relationship.”

“I’m not. I don’t know if that would have
changed the situation. But then I had a fever and a lot of vivid
dreams. I dreamt… I remembered… Lily was pregnant when she died.”
She saw him tighten his grip of the steering wheel and moved her
eyes to see the expression on his face. It was cool and calm. The
heave of his chest showed a slow deep breath. “That’s why… that’s
why everything happened, isn’t it?”

“You remembered that?” his voice was as calm
and cool as the stillness of his face.

“It was a dream. But I’ve had it twice. The
first part was when Lily told Ben she wanted to marry you because
she wanted the baby. Then Lily was waiting for you. She wanted to
tell you so you could run off together. But when you came you
were…”

“She didn’t tell me.”

“Because Charlotte changed you,” Lizzie’s
eyes drifted away from Oliver and back to the road where the cars
were thinning and picking up speed. “Did you know?”

“I know that she was pregnant, yes.”

“Did you know then?”

“No.”

“Who told you?”

“Charlotte,” he set his jaw. Lizzie could
tell from the speed of his articulation that he was done talking
about the subject. She touched a nerve. A very sore nerve. It was
the reason for everything. It was the reason she was sitting beside
him now and not Ben.

She retreated into silence as he picked up
speed and brought her home. He stopped the car in front of her
house and didn’t attempt to restart the conversation. “I’m going
in,” Lizzie said finally.

“Are your roommates home?”

“I… I’m not sure,” Lizzie looked at the cars
in front of the house. Nora’s car was there. Meg’s was missing.
Maybe they were still watching runners… or maybe they went to
lunch.

“Can I come in?” he looked at her, his
emotion still expressionless.

She nodded and left the car to lead him up
to the apartment. There was a long awkward silence as they stood at
the top of the stairs. Lizzie knew she couldn’t begin the
conversation. She was impatient to hear more details but chose not
to press him. “I’m going to take a shower,” she decided and
disappeared into the bathroom.

The steam of the water relaxed her. She let
her thoughts wander back to the glee and satisfaction of her
accomplishment. She wasn’t going to push the subject with Oliver.
His company was still tentative. It was the right thing, wasn’t it?
After all he went through, didn’t he deserve Lily? But what did…
what did Lily deserve … after dying… twice? What did Elizabeth
deserve?

She changed into a sleeveless summer dress.
It would be too cool in a few hours, when the blood rush left her
skin. She checked her email before going back down to Oliver. She
saw a handful of congratulations from relatives who got the message
from her mother. Including Jen and Jack. There was nothing from
Ben. Nothing.

“Lizzie.”

She turned around quickly. Oliver was
standing in the doorway. She leaned back over the chair and clicked
out of the internet. She returned her attention and smiled at him.
“Thanks for driving me home.”

“Do you want to get something to eat? You
must be famished.”

“I ate something in the tent. Maybe later,”
she smiled, uncertain if she should be alarmed he walked up to her
room with no invitation.

“Charlotte knew.”

“What?”

“She knew before… she knew even before Ben
went to her. She could… you can taste it in the blood.”

Lizzie let herself lean against the back of
her desk chair. “When did she tell you?”

“It was a stupid fight. We always fought
about ridiculous things. This time she was determined to win and
told me what she was saving for decades. She told me that Lily was
pregnant. She wanted me to feel… she wanted to undermine my
confidence and tell me I killed my own child.”

Lizzie bit her lip, unable to stop the tears
from forming in her eyes. It was one thing to think that in the
quiet of her mind. To hear it articulated in Oliver’s voice made
the pain of it very real.

“Ben told her Lily was sneaking out to see
me. She already knew about me. Lily told her. She didn’t think that
Lily loved me enough to…” he clenched his jaw. “… to actually leave
the Fultons. Then she tasted the estrogen. She knew Lily would want
to be a mother more than a source.”

“
So Charlotte punished
Lily and went after you.”

“And she punished Ben with the belief that
he was responsible.”

“Did she know about Ben?”

“Charlotte wasn’t a fool. After Ben told her
about us, she figured out he was still in love with her. He could
have saved her,” Oliver muttered confusing Lizzie again. “He didn’t
love her enough.”

“What else did she tell you?” Lizzie asked,
uncertain about his last comments.

“Nothing. I was so angry I stabbed her in
the heart. The heart she really didn’t have.”

Lizzie gulped a big swallow of air. He was
so emotionless and cold as he explained that last detail. She heard
him describe her death filled with remorse. She saw the repentance
in his eyes when she confronted him about other fatalities of his
vampire life. But none struck her with as much heartlessness as his
description of Charlotte. “But you loved her.”

“It was a lie. It was all part of her
wickedness. She never cared anything for me. She kept me because
she always thought Lily would come back. She believed Lily would
come back to me. She wanted to cause her heartache and pain, as she
felt for Lily. She believed in the end Lily would take my life as I
took hers. But she thought she could take away her happiness
first.”

“She’s not here now,” Lizzie thought how she
managed to take away her own happiness without any help from the
ghost of a vampire.

Oliver heaved a deep sigh and sat on the
edge of her bed. “I didn’t believe Lily was coming back to me. I
hated her so much. Even though I mourned her death, I believed she
died loving someone else. She loved Ben more. She loved Charlotte
more. I didn’t think she really loved me until Charlotte told me
about the baby. Until I found out she left Ben and wanted to marry
me to start a family. Then you were at Springs… and I could finally
remember the part of Lily that made me happy.”

“Why didn’t you say anything at
Springs?”

“Because of Eloise.”

“Eloise,” Lizzie whispered, annoyed that
Eloise even existed. What did she have to do with anything?

“But … these past few months. You
remembered. You remembered me. You didn’t remember the baby. I
thought… I thought that meant that Lily forgave me.”

“Forgave you?”

“I saw the hate in her eyes. Right before
she kissed me. She knew what I did. I was too driven by instinct. I
took her blood. I didn’t understand any of the rules. I didn’t… she
offered herself to me. She knew what would happen. She wanted me to
kill her.”

“Do you still hate her?”

“I was angry that she could leave this hell.
But she came back. You left Ben and came back to me.”

Lizzie swallowed, unable to say anything to
validate that opinion. She still wanted Ben. She didn’t understand
why Oliver was there. She knew she owed it to him… to give him
Lily’s forgiveness. But she wasn’t… she wasn’t going back to him.
“What about Eloise?”

“Why don’t you remember her?”

“I don’t know… but I must be. There are
things from that time I know that I shouldn’t know.”

“You don’t remember how she died?”

“No.”

“Good.”

Lizzie felt herself squirm with that answer.
Was she supposed to remember? Why did only Lily return to her
thoughts?

“That was a lost opportunity to make things
right. But now,” he walked to her. “Now I can do that. I don’t
believe what Charlotte said will happen. She was so full of hate
and vengeance, she didn’t understand forgiveness. She didn’t
understand the beauty of our longevity is that we evolve and
improve. We don’t have to stay monsters. Our power can be used for
good. We can find redemption.”

Lizzie stared up at the tears in his eyes.
He was the same strong, unbelievably beautiful Oliver. The beauty
came from his vulnerability. From the humanity within him. She
didn’t see the vampire any longer. She saw the young wheelwright
who was given the time and decades to improve his luck in the
world. Not just for himself, but those around him. But even with
that power and limitless time, he still had the weakness of a human
heart. The need to be loved by the one he loved at the
beginning.

She saw what Lily saw. The sweet boy for
whom she would have given everything to raise a family. The boy to
whom she could say anything, with whom she was at ease without any
effort - who was willing to give up everything to be with her. He
gave up his life when he believed he couldn’t have her. He was
forced into that position by the one Lizzie thought she loved. The
one she let herself forgive. Why? He didn’t care. He wasn’t there.
He disappeared into the shadows and faded out of her life. He
didn’t try to come back to her. Oliver was there at the finish
line. He was the one who wanted her.

Why did Ben try to keep him away from her?
The question faded as she focused on Oliver’s sad eyes. She saw the
echo of her sadness and ache for love. He loved her. He loved her
forever. “Thomas,” she whispered and stood strong on the strength
of her calves to meet his kiss. He lifted her off the floor and
landed her on the bed. She felt the swim of her exhausted senses as
her head rolled against the pillow. She asked herself again why Ben
didn’t call. Why he wasn’t there. She closed her eyes and didn’t
stop as Oliver slowly came down to the bed with her.

He rested his head against her chest. She
let the breaths plunge into her stomach and made her ribcage rise
and fall under the weight of him. Her mind was in a different place
as he touched her. She was too tired to think and remember the 26
miles that exhausted her limbs and made her throat dry with thirst.
Everything from her morning - from Hopkinton to Meg and Nora at
Heartbreak Hill to the crowd at the finish line - left her mind.
She kept thinking she had to get home. She had to be there before
everyone woke up. She felt his nerves, his clumsy hunger. The depth
of emotion in his kiss. Thomas would always love her, no matter
what she did. He would always forgive her. He would always be there
for her. Even if she didn’t love him.

He lifted his smile and indulged a kiss on
her lips before going back to lean against her heartbeat. Even
through her dress she knew he felt the healthy rhythm. He took her
hand and interlocked his fingers through hers. “Children don’t
matter if there is eternity,” he brought her hand to her lips.

She let him hold her hand there, against his
kiss. She didn’t know if that was endearing or startling. Her
senses were too tired. He moved his mouth away from her palm
towards her wrist. He paused, looking at her veins through the
translucence of her white skin. Lizzie touched his cheek with the
tips of her fingers, but he stayed focused on the interior of her
wrist. “You can give me life,” he kissed her arm.

All too quickly, he lifted his head and
shifted his concentration from her wrist to the inside of her neck.
“I could…” he breathed against her shoulder. The instinct thrilled
her and then memory froze her. She felt the tips of his fangs and
the sensation of her blood rushing towards her shoulder. She lifted
her hands and attempted weakly to push him off. He was too strong,
too powerful, too intoxicated to notice.

“Oliver,” she whispered but her voice was
too tired and weak. He stayed at her neck. It was too long. It was
too long. He was draining her. She felt the strength of her eyelids
wane. She tried her hands against his shoulders again. He was
locked into drinking. She shut her eyes and felt herself fall
backward. In the fade to darkness she saw the green eyes watching
her, waiting for her. She forced her eyes open and managed to
summon the strength to jerk her legs and shift to her side.

Oliver rose and looked down at her. She
could see the blood on the corner of his mouth. “It’s bad
blood.”

“Lily,” he looked down at her hungrily.

“No,” she sat up, feeling very, very weak.
“I’m not…”

She saw the fear in his eyes slowly melt
into a different expression she had never seen. It was hunger and
madness and illness. Lizzie wanted to shut her eyes, but was
energized by a fear that crept from her stomach and inched out to
the edges of her fingers. “Leave,” she couldn’t breathe. Her heart
was beating too quickly. Something was wrong. Very. Very wrong.