An Ever Fixéd Mark (54 page)

“
I will make time for you
Nora,” Lizzie sat between the bags on the couch. “Especially when
the baby comes.”

“We’ve haven’t seen you very much lately,”
Nora sat on the one chair in the living room not covered with
presents. “Are you seeing someone?”

“No.” Why did all her friends make the same
assumption? They knew she was training for a marathon.

“Not even one of the doctors?” Nora looked
over her seltzer glass.

“
I thought you didn’t
approve of casual affairs with Mt. Elm personnel.”

“I don’t,” Nora sighed. “It’s just… you look
lonely, Lizzie.”

“
I’m where I have to be
right now, Nora. I’m training. And you’re right. It will be a lot
of effort to get the business started. I don’t have time to
date.”

Nora caught herself and stopped the frown.
“Are you still in love with Ben?”

Lizzie looked at Nora. She blinked her eyes
quickly to stop tears from forming. “Yes.”

“Then why don’t you go back to him?’

“Because he moved to Chicago.”

“He did?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie breathed out. She avoided
sharing that detail with Nora, knowing she wouldn’t be as
sympathetic as everyone else.

“But I just saw him.”

“You saw Ben?”

Nora narrowed her eyes at Lizzie as if
trying to determine the reason for a falsehood. “Yes, I saw him at
the grocery store.”

“The grocery store?”

“Yes,” Nora continued without any clue why
that detail should be so odd.

“What was he doing there?”

“Buying groceries, I assume.”

“Are you sure it was him?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Nora was almost irritated
at the answer. “We spoke for a few minutes.”

“What did he say?”

“He asked about the baby. And he asked how
you were. I told him about your running.”

“Did he say anything else?”

“Well, I said that you and Andrew were
thinking of starting a business.”

Lizzie tried to calm her breath without
making it look too obvious. Why was he back in the Boston area? Why
was he in a grocery store where Nora would shop? Why didn’t he try
to see her? “Did he look well?”

“He looked tired. He said he was working a
lot, so I imagine that had something to do with it. He’s still…
Lizzie, I really don’t understand why you ended that.”

“No,” Lizzie picked up one of the overly
packed gift bags and started pulling out bottles and burping cloths
to put on the coffee table. “I don’t think you would.”

“You hurt him pretty badly.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“I can’t explain it.”

“Was it the… was it about kids?”

“What?”

“
You said that he couldn’t
have children. And I wondered if… seeing me… did that make you want
a baby, Lizzie? Did that make you have second thoughts about
Ben?”

“Children…” Lizzie looked up blankly.
“Children were one of the thoughts I had… but a very small reason
compared with the rest.”

“Which is?”

“Nora, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

Lizzie’s eyes watered and
looked away from Nora. She wanted to say something. It was easy to
tell Claire. But she was a vampire. She knew about past lives. How
could Lizzie tell
Nora
about Lily? “I can’t talk about it.”

“That’s lame,” Nora was annoyed. “I think
you were a real shit to him, Lizzie.”

Lizzie looked at Nora blankly. She didn’t
know what to say.

“I know that was harsh. But he… would you
think about giving it another try?”

“I have thought,” Lizzie swallowed. “I think
about it every day.”

“Then why don’t you call him?”

“It isn’t that easy.”

“It is easy,” Nora grabbed Lizzie’s purse
and found her phone. She opened it up and then stopped suddenly.
“Are you worried about Meg?”

“Meg? No,” Lizzie exclaimed, realizing Nora
probably wasn’t privy to Meg’s study sessions. “Why does this
matter so much to you?”

“I don’t know,” Nora shrugged. “I guess…
well I think you two were meant to be together. I don’t normally
buy into that sort of thing… but it just seemed so … like you were
waiting for him all that time. And then when you were ready, he was
there. And when he was there, he made you so happy. Like you found
the perfect fit for your unique self.”

“That’s what I think about you and
Mark.”

“Yeah,” Nora glanced down. “I feel that way
about Mark… and maybe I need you to work this out to prove that
perfect fits stay together.”

“Are you and Mark…”

“No,” Nora shook her head and smiled. “This
baby makes it even more perfect. But… Lizzie… it seems to go
against nature for you to not be with him. It just doesn’t seem
right.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in fate and
destiny and all that.”

“I don’t … most of the time. I want to
believe it about you and Ben. You are miserable without him. It’s
like you’ve lost a part of yourself.”

“I’ll get over it.”

“No, Lizzie. I don’t think you will,” Nora
looked down. “You could always adopt, you know.”

“It isn’t… I know,” Lizzie sighed. “Nora,
it’s more complicated than children.”

“If you love him, you will work it out.”

“I want to believe that, Nora,” Lizzie let
out a sad sigh.

“Then make it happen,” Nora gave her the
phone with Ben’s number ready to dial. “He will forgive you.”

“He came back and didn’t want to see me,”
Lizzie protested. “I hurt him too much, Nora. He doesn’t want me
back.”

Lizzie looked at the number on the screen.
It would be easy to press send. But then what would she say? She
had too much to say. Things didn’t make sense to her yet. He could
help her understand. Suddenly the phone vibrated indicating a call
from Andrew. Lizzie dodged Nora’s eyes and took it to indulge his
questions about the food.

*****

Lizzie felt the relief of the cool evening
air. She was glad to escape and bring the signs and lingering
paperwork to her car. The stuffy corridor of the Cardiac Center
started to make her head spin. Well, that, and Eric’s arrival.
Maybe it was because Dr. Chiang was preoccupied with keeping Gerard
Fulton company… or maybe he was still interested.

She paused in the driver’s seat and
inspected her reflection on her visor. She saw the fatigue of her
long day in the image staring back at her. She wore the shoes she
hated and felt them squish her already blistered toes. She touched
up her lip gloss and flipped back the visor. She didn’t want to get
back on her feet. Her poor feet. Well, at least there would be no
more occasions for heels before the marathon. She managed to find
the strength to walk on them as she clicked the remote key for her
car.

“
Elizabeth,” a voice
called as she turned the path from the parking lot.

A mix of relief, happiness, and fear
overcame her. “Ben.”

“I… I’m sorry that I… I don’t mean to scare
you.”

“What are you doing here?” she held onto her
breath. Was she awake? Had she fallen asleep in her car? Was she
dreaming? Was she Elizabeth? She wanted to see him. She had so many
things to say, to tell him. She didn’t know where to begin and
remained mute with the end of her question.

He lifted a shiny postcard in his hand. It
was the invitation to the Fulton Center opening. Every major
medical industry was invited. She would have noticed his company on
her address list. One of the doctors must have sent that
invitation. “I knew you would be here. I wanted to talk to
you.”

“Then why not call? Or write an email?” she
stepped back, almost losing her balance on her heel. He offered an
arm she immediately refused. She couldn’t stop the anger from
hardening her words. It wasn’t anger. It was hurt. Hurt she
couldn’t express since he disappeared to Chicago.

“I don’t know. I thought you wouldn’t
answer,” he let out a low breath. “You look… amazing.”

“I’ve been running a lot.”

“Nora said…”

“Why did you go to the grocery store?”
Lizzie let the anger form the question.

“I needed some batteries,” he laughed to
himself. “I can’t lie. I knew I might see her. I wanted to… I
wanted to know how you were.”

“I thought you went to Chicago. That boy
said…”

“Keith told me you came to the apartment,”
Ben restrained a smile.

“He told me you were gone indefinitely.”

“It was more difficult to leave than I
thought,” he rested the pause with a focus on her.

“You sold your home. You let strangers in
the apartment. In our… she was reading my book.”

“Did you get the books I brought to
Jefferson Park?” he looked confused at her anger.

“Yes,” Lizzie shook her head as her own
confusion clouded her sense of conversation. “What do you
want?”

“I wanted to see that you are okay.”

“Well, I’m okay,” she breathed out
impatiently.

“I miss you, Elizabeth.”

She lifted her eyes to him. She hoped she
wouldn’t cry, but it was very difficult to not lose strength with
that last phrase. She didn’t know how to answer him. If she should
tell him how much she missed him. Everything she remembered about
Lily. About the green eyes that were full of love. That followed
her everywhere. That frightened Lily, but only for the moment
before she realized she would love him forever. Why did she change
her mind?

The ring of her phone broke the stillness.
She tried to ignore it, but she set her volume too high. She
silenced the ringer and noticed Andrew’s repetition of unfortunate
timing.

“You have to go.”

“I don’t…”

“Someone is waiting for you,” he looked back
to the hospital building.

“No, Ben, I – “

“I just hope that means you are staying away
from Oliver,” he said it. Why did he have to say it?

“I… he went back to California.”

“I’m glad you are staying away from
him.”

“I’m not with him,” she summoned the courage
to tell him what she waited to tell him since that December morning
in the hotel. She didn’t want to be with Oliver because she still
loved him. “It’s not because he is a bad person, Ben.”

“No?”

Lizzie’s thoughts clouded with the memory of
hitting her head against the back of the country store. That was a
mistake. An unfortunate mistake. Why did Ben have to make such an
awful assumption about Oliver? He was crowding her head with things
that had nothing to do with the emotion swelling within her heart.
She wanted to tell him about her dreams. Why was he making it so
difficult to say anything? Why did he just want to talk about
Oliver? “I decided to be alone,” she let the words escape her
without thinking. “I needed to get away from both of you to clear
my head.”

“Good,” he nodded and shortened his breath.
“That is how it should be.”

“Ben, now I know…” she began without
softening her voice.

“You should go back inside, Lizzie. I
imagine he’s anxious to take you home.”

Lizzie wanted to throw her purse. She was so
infuriated with him and herself. Why couldn’t she say what she
wanted to say? Why did he have to bring up Oliver? Oliver was gone.
He didn’t visit her dreams. Lily didn’t want Oliver any more than
Elizabeth. Why didn’t Ben stay? Why did he come at all if it was
only to tell her to go back inside and be with someone else? There
wasn’t someone else. She looked once more in the shadows to see if
he would come back. All she could hear was the buzz of the light at
the edge of the parking lot. She turned around and went back into
the hospital, where Eric was waiting with a glass of wine.

*****

Lizzie appreciated the light from the
street. It made it easier to find her stockings without having to
turn on one of the lamps. She took in a breath as she sat on the
edge of the sofa and stared at her unfinished wine glass. She
didn’t want to leave in such a rude rush. But he was asleep. She
wasn’t going to stay through the morning. This wasn’t like
that.

She shut her eyes to squeeze out the tears.
She was tired. Just tired. It was a long night. She wasn’t going to
think about Ben. She wasn’t going to think about how she just… she
just did it to him again. She went to someone else. Ben didn’t want
her. He walked away. He told her to go inside. Then why did he just
show up like that?

She needed to leave if she was going to get
to the train before service stopped for the evening. She didn’t
want to walk in her heels. She should have taken her car. Why… why,
why? She was supposed to be moving forward and making improvements
in her life. Not stepping back into her old bad habits.

She rolled her stockings up her thigh and
noticed the red blemishes. What would Ben have thought of those?
Would he care? Would he look down on her because she was so
reckless? She pushed down her skirt and stood up to grab her
shoes.

“I was wondering about those,” Eric stood in
the archway of his living room. Lizzie lost the strength to stand
on her sore feet and sat back down on the couch.

“Those are pretty recent, aren’t they?” he
didn’t leave his stance, but looked at Lizzie strangely. She
couldn’t tell if it was judgment or … something else. It wasn’t…
the light in the room was too dim. He couldn’t possibly be one of
them. She just saw him eating shrimp at the opening. And… there
were just too many in her life now to make sense. She was tired and
was imagining things again.

Did he think it was a disease? Was that his
concern after a lapse of precaution during their hasty seduction?
He didn’t say anything then. He wouldn’t be looking at her that way
if he was threatened by those marks.

Lizzie swallowed and tried to keep her face
cool. She reached for her abandoned wine glass and took a sip to
thaw her frozen reaction. “They’re just bug bites,” she made a
strong effort to be calm.