Adultery (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (7 page)

Consult your doctor before resuming sexual activity, and be certain that you are no longer at risk for contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Keep your boundaries around sexual intimacy in place. Refuse to be manipulated.

The Bible says ...

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens ... a time to embrace and a time to refrain.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5)

David, the military man and conquering king, was also known for his sensitive side. This melancholy musician wrote poignant psalms with questions that plunge to the depths of the soul.

One of his contemplative psalms conveys this lament:
“My soul is in deep anguish. How long, L
ORD
, how long? Turn, L
ORD
, and deliver me ... ”
(Psalm 6:3–4).

Many people struggle with difficult questions after experiencing the pain of adultery. Whether the wandering mate who strayed or the wounded one who stayed, God’s Word provides the answers.

“Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.” (Psalm 4:1)

Q
UESTION: “Should I stay with my spouse, who has been unfaithful to me but promises it won’t happen again?”

A
NSWER:
Before you make this decision, ask yourself these questions:

• Is this a onetime lack of judgment or a repeated lifestyle?
  
  • If it is a lifestyle, then it is an issue of character.
    
  • If it was a onetime act, then it is a single act of sin.
    
• Did your spouse take responsibility, or blame you or someone else?
  
• Is there true repentance—a godly sorrow—or is there simply sorrow only at being caught?
  
• Has all contact with the adulterous partner been severed?
  
• What has been done to make restitution?
  
• What is your mate doing to avoid straying again?
  

If recent attitudes and actions are positive, you have the potential for genuine reconciliation and a healthy, productive marriage.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

Q
UESTION: “How do I draw a boundary when my husband is sexually involved with another woman? I want our marriage to work.”

A
NSWER:
Be specific about the boundary—he has certainly crossed the line. You could say:

• “I love you, and I have been committed to you. But now it’s time for you to make a decision:
  
  • “All boundaries have repercussions and rewards. In the game of football, if you stay within the boundary lines, you get to keep playing.”
    
  • “If you step outside the boundary, the penalty is no participation.”
    
  • “Because of your sexual involvement with this other woman, you’ve crossed the boundary.”
    
  • “So now, it’s your decision: Do you want to discontinue your participation in our family life or not? If you choose our family, you must totally leave her. If you choose her over our family, you must leave our home.”
    

Explain that you are not “kicking him out of the house,” but that the decision for leaving is completely his choice. You could say, “For you to be emotionally or sexually involved with another woman says that you are not committed to our marriage.”

This marriage boundary gives him the choice as to whether he reaps the repercussion or the reward.

For him to continue in the affair causes further disrespect toward you and further disregard of the marriage covenant.

Regardless of his decision, be respectful in the face of his disrespect.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3–4)

Q
UESTION: “My husband has been seeing prostitutes. Spiritual leaders say that divorce is not an option—that I must continue to submit to my adulterous husband. Must I continue exposing myself to sexual disease? I feel I am setting an example before my children of condoning this behavior.”

A
NSWER:
The advice of your spiritual leaders is not biblically accurate. In Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, Jesus speaks against divorce
“except for sexual immorality.”
Divorce is
permitted
(not commanded) in instances of adultery.

One single instance of unfaithfulness followed by a repentant heart is one thing. Risking your health and exposing your children to continuous immorality is another.

• Since God’s heart for the marriage relationship is reconciliation, if there is a true change in his behavior, your position is to be open and receptive.
  
• Pray for God’s leading in your life. At the very least, you certainly are permitted to separate from your husband sexually in order to uphold your God-given responsibility to keep the marital bed pure.
  

“Good judgment wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful leads to their destruction.” (Proverbs 13:15)

Q
UESTION: “My husband left me for another woman and says he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He refuses to get marriage counseling, but when he comes to see the children, he wants to spend the night with me. Should I let him?”

A
NSWER:
The spouse who leaves his marriage partner, engages in a sexual union with another woman, and refuses marriage counseling should not have marriage privileges. He’s wanting you physically outside of marriage, without the emotional bonding inside of marriage. Realize that the marriage bed is part of the marriage covenant, and should be honored by all.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)

Q
UESTION: “My friends are beginning divorce proceedings as a result of adultery. In the past I committed adultery and subsequently experienced a devastating divorce. Is it appropriate for me to try to talk with the offending party about this decision?”

A
NSWER:
Extending care and concern for a couple on the brink of divorce could possibly save their marriage. The most effective people to help others gain victory in their lives are those who have struggled with the same temptations and have learned valuable truths through those trials.

• When God guides you to share a personal failure, speak the truth in love.
  
• Share the specifics of what you learned the hard way.
  

In this way, you can be the Lord’s instrument to communicate the value of consistency and commitment, and you might save a marriage.

“A truthful witness saves lives. ... ” (Proverbs 14:25)

Q
UESTION: “My husband had an affair with a married woman, and now she is expecting his child. He is willing to help her financially, but she also wants my husband to be involved in the child’s life. We feel involvement with the child would be too disruptive to our own family. In this situation, what should we do?”

A
NSWER:
This complex situation requires a multi-faceted answer:

• First, your husband would be wise to confirm his paternity.
  
• If he is the father, then he
  must
  take full responsibility for his behavior and be financially responsible.
  
• After that, all decisions need to be made in light of what is in the best interest of the child, as well as the children in your family.
  
• With two families connected by adultery, usually the best option for the child is to be raised and nurtured within the security of one family and one alone. Any other arrangement could open the door to deceit, temptation, and discord.
  

No good purpose is served in telling others, especially if a child can be protected from crude name-calling, which so often surrounds the stigma of being an “illegitimate child.” Realize, the child did nothing illegitimate, only the two who were involved in the adulterous affair. At a later time in life, the situation could be different. No matter what decision you make, do not lie to the child or to anyone else.

“Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.” (Proverbs 2:11)

Q
UESTION: “My wife has not been meeting my needs, and now I’ve met a wonderful woman who makes me feel like a man. We are drawn to each other. What should I do?”

A
NSWER:
Any woman who draws a married man away from his wife is not “wonderful.” Once she realized she was romantically drawn to you—or you to her—she should have encouraged you to be faithful to your wife and turned away from any romantic involvement with you. Now, you need to turn away from her.

“Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths.” (Proverbs 7:25)

Q
UESTION: “After having an illicit affair, I became a Christian and my life truly changed. I’ve been writing this man in the hope that he will be saved. I want to be true to my commitment to my husband, but how do I overcome the strong emotions I still feel for the other man?”

A
NSWER:
You made a commitment to remain true to your marriage covenant. Since feelings are merely responders to thinking, don’t allow your thoughts to dwell on this other man.

• Don’t even dwell on his salvation—ultimately, God is the author of salvation.
  
• Stop writing to him about salvation. Your motive probably will be misunderstood, and your husband will continue to be hurt.
  
• Flee your extramarital passion by focusing on being a person of Christlike purity.
  

  “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart”
  (2 Timothy 2:22).
  

• Trust in your Creator to persevere with endurance.
  

  “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him”
  (James 1:12).
  

The painful lessons of adultery are taught only too well in the story of King David, the most famous adulterer in history. The fact that David is remembered as a great king and a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14) shows the completeness of God’s mercy after a personal moral failure.

But for those who have become stained by the sin of adultery, for those who are repentant and cry out to God to be restored,
be assured
that you can find the freedom of forgiveness. You can find peace in the midst of pain.

If you enter a season of suffering—whether as a result of your mate’s infidelity or your own sexual sin—be assured that God promises to give you peace with His assurance of safety.

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, L
ORD
, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8)

• Be thankful
  for all that God is teaching you.
  

  “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”
  (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
  

• Pray
  for the heavenly Father to reveal and change your offensive responses.
  

  “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift”
  (Matthew 5:23–24).
  

• Allow
  His love to increase your love for the offender.
  

  “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you”
  (John 15:12).
  

• Wait
  for the Holy Spirit to break the strongholds that are blocking effective communication.
  

  “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”
  (2 Corinthians 10:4–5).
  

• Believe
  with faith that all things are possible with the One who created all things.
  

  “ ... all things are possible with God”
  (Mark 10:27).
  

Q
UESTION: “My husband was unfaithful to me last year. Is it possible for me to ever trust him again? Is it possible for him to change?”

A
NSWER:
It is possible for your husband to regain your trust—but:

• First he must develop a godly sorrow over his lack of commitment to you and the marriage covenant.
  
• Then he needs to identify the key that opened the door to adultery.
  
• Through Christian marriage counseling, he must admit and understand his weaknesses and then devise a plan to keep from walking through that door again. Pray that he will see his sin as God sees it and hate his sin as God hates it.
  

It is possible for God to change anyone who is
willing
to have a changed heart.

“For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37 ESV)

Her fall into sin seems innocent at first: a husband she loves who does his own thing. He’s traveling a lot on the job or he’s gone off with his buddies—at a game, golf course, or gun show. He’s a good provider and father ... when he’s home.

She chaperones slumber parties and spends time with friends, especially when the kids are at camp. They have what everyone would call a beautiful life, yet she knows something is missing.

The hole in her heart longs for words of endearment instead of just, “What are we having for dinner?” or “Did you pick up my suit?” After the kids are at school or asleep, she remembers the passion they shared and tries to fill her emptiness with happily-ever-after tales.