Adultery (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (6 page)

A
NSWER:
Don’t be dismayed over your anger. The four roots of anger are hurt, injustice, fear, and frustration. Your response is normal because the Bible says ...

“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26)

Therefore, you can feel legitimate anger over her betrayal. Every time you feel anger, admit it and then release it; release it as a sacrifice to the Lord.

Pray ...

“Lord, right now I release to You all the anger I feel. I choose to guard my mind from thoughts of past events that You have dealt with and that I have forgiven. Thank You for the changes You have brought about in my wife. Thank You that she is a trustworthy woman, and I choose right now to trust You to continue to work in her life. In the name of Your wonderful Son and my Savior I pray. Amen.”

Don’t allow your enemy to accuse you of unforgiveness just because of how you may feel. Forgiveness is the ongoing process of forgiving each time the pain comes to mind or each time you think about the one who has hurt you. Forgiveness is a choice you have made, and you must learn to place fact over feelings. Satan, your adversary, has already been defeated.

“The accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.” (Revelation 12:10)

David comes back to God and finds that compassion and forgiveness await him.

Despite severe consequences for his sins, there are yet blessings for the contrite king. David and Bathsheba conceive a second son, whom they name Solomon, and
“the L
ORD
loved him”
(2 Samuel 12:24). Solomon one day would be known as being
“greater in riches and wisdom than all the other kings of the earth”
(1 Kings 10:23).

And the heart of David—beset with sin for a season—is repeatedly used by God as a spiritual barometer in measuring the commitment of future kings in Judah and Israel. Following his true repentance, David led an honorable life, one primarily characterized by obedience to God.

To Jeroboam, a later king of Israel, God declares,
“you have not been like my servant David, who kept my commands and followed me with all his heart”
(1 Kings 14:8).

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible – and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ... Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5: 11–13, 15)

• Give
  up all expectations of your spouse, who may or may not change, and place your confidence in God.
  

  “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man”
  (Psalm 118:8 NKJV).
  

• Allow
  yourself time to grieve the reality of your situation.
  

  “My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word”
  (Psalm 119:28).
  

• Decide
  to detach emotionally from your spouse’s infidelity and respond with patience and gentleness.
  

  “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone”
  (Proverbs 25:15).
  

• Shift
  your focus from your spouse’s hurtful behavior to your loving responses.
  

  “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit”
  (Proverbs 15:4).
  

• Learn
  all you can about the deceptive lures of adultery.
  

  “How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!”
  (Proverbs 16:16).
  

• Share
  with your spouse the effect the infidelity has had on you and on others.
  

  “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open”
  (Luke 8:17).
  

• Stop
  enabling adulterous behavior by ignoring telltale signs or accepting lame excuses.
  

  “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them”
  (Ephesians 5:11).
  

• Express
  your feelings with your spouse without accusing and condemning.
  

  “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (
  Proverbs 15:1)
  

  “The tongue has the power of life and death”
  (Proverbs 18:21).
  

• Pray
  with the knowledge that God will work in the life of your spouse and will guard your heart.
  

  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”
  (Philippians 4:6–7).
  

The most powerful aspect of a crisis intervention is the group dynamic—
there is power in numbers
. Usually by the time an intervention is arranged, the injured spouse has personally pleaded with the offending spouse to stop the adulterous behavior, but sadly the appeal has fallen on deaf ears. In privacy, others may state their concern, but one by one each plea is dismissed. As individuals they are powerless—as a group they are dynamite. In fact, a group can be empowered by God to move the immovable.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’” (Matthew 18:15–16)
(Read also Ezekiel 3:18–19.)

• Pray
  for wisdom and understanding from the Lord.
  

  “The L
  ORD
  gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding”
  (Proverbs 2:6).
  

• Educate
  yourself regarding various crisis intervention programs and attend meetings on surviving adultery, and marriage enrichment. Read materials on intervention and visit counseling centers.
  

  “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out”
  (Proverbs 18:15).
  

• Call
  a counseling office and ask for a referral to a Christian leader trained in marital crisis intervention procedures.
  

  “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed”
  (Proverbs 15:22).
  

• Meet
  with an intervention specialist to plan the approach. Discussion needs to include counseling options, insurance coverage, and the impact of counseling on the entire family.
  

  “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise”
  (Proverbs 19:20).
  

• Enlist
  the aid of key people who have been directly affected by the adultery, those who can attest to its harmful effects on others and are willing to confront. (Consider caring family members, friends, a doctor, an employer, a coworker, or a spiritual leader.)
  

  “A truthful witness saves lives ...”
  (Proverbs 14:25).
  

• Hold
  an initial meeting with these key people and a trained leader (in absolute confidentiality and without the person present). Each key person will rehearse with the trained leader what each will say regarding the negative impact of the person’s adultery, how it will be said, and in which order each will speak during the confrontation.
  

  “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses”
  (Proverbs 27:5–6).
  

• Hold
  a second meeting, this time with the person present. One at a time, each key confronter should first express genuine love and concern for the person, followed by the rehearsed individualized confrontation.
  

  “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”
  (Proverbs 12:18).
  

• The Personal
  

  Affirm rather than attack: “I want you to know how much I care about you [or love you] and how terribly concerned I am about you.”
  

  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”
  (Ephesians 4:29).
  

• The Past
  

  Give recent examples describing specific negative behavior and the hurt it caused you: “Last night when you failed to come home and spend time with me as you used to do, I felt so unimportant to you.”
  

  “An honest witness tells the truth ... ”
  (Proverbs 12:17).
  

  Be brief, keeping examples to three or four sentences.
  

  “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered”
  (Proverbs 17:27).
  

• The Pain
  

  Emphasize the painful impact by using “I” statements: “I was devastated that you failed to make me and your commitment to me a priority.”
  

  “The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction”
  (Proverbs 16:23).
  

• The Plea
  

  Make a personal plea for your loved one to receive counseling: “I plead with you to get the help you need to break away from this sinful and adulterous relationship. If you are willing, you will gain back my deepest respect.”
  

  “Hear now my argument; listen to the pleas of my lips”
  (Job 13:6).
  

• The Plan
  

  Be prepared to implement an immediate plan if counseling is accepted: “You have been accepted into the counseling program at ____________________, and ____________________ have agreed to be your accountability partners.”
  

  “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the L
  ORD
  establishes their steps”
  (Proverbs 16:9).
  

• The Price
  

  Outline specific consequences if counseling is refused: “We cannot allow you to come home or be with our family until you have completely walked away from this adulterous relationship and stopped all contact with the other person.”
  

  “Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path; the one who hates correction will die”
  (Proverbs 15:10).
  

• Don’t call names,
  preach, or be judgmental.
  

  “Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds their tongue”
  (Proverbs 11:12).
  

• Don’t argue
  if your facts are disputed, and don’t come to the defense of your spouse when others are confronting. “I’m sorry if you disagree with me, but my facts have been confirmed.” “I’m sure there will be changes in our marriage now that the truth is out in the open.”
  

  “The Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will”
  (2 Timothy 2:24–26).
  

• Don’t accept promises
  without commitment for immediate action.
  

  “I am really thankful that you understand how I feel, but I need to see some proof that you seriously want to change.”
  

  “The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps”
  (Proverbs 14:15).
  

• Don’t give ultimatums
  unless you are prepared to follow through on them. Suppose your mate chooses to continue the adulterous relationship and leaves home. However, after being away for only a short time, your spouse says, “I promise to not be unfaithful again. Just let me come back this one time.” You would be wise to say, “No, not until you have had individual counseling and we both have been in marriage counseling long enough for the therapist and me to be convinced that both you and I are ready for you to return.”
  

  “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’ ...”
  (James 5:12 NKJV).
  

• Don’t overreact
  —keep your emotions under control.
  

  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”
  (James 1:19–20).
  

• Don’t shield
  your loved one from facing the consequences of marital infidelity.
  

  “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”
  (Hebrews 12:11).
  

The second meeting concludes with the spouse either immediately terminating the adulterous relationship and entering a counseling and accountability program or experiencing the consequences for refusing treatment.

“Whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favor rather than one who has a flattering tongue.” (Proverbs 28:23)

Q
UESTION: “My husband walked away from our family and has been unfaithful. Now he wants to come back. But when I asked him to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, he accused me of not being a forgiving and compassionate Christian. He says I’m being punitive—I think I’m being practical. Who is right?”

A
NSWER:
Your husband is simply using the “blame game” to avoid his responsibility to be tested. He is blaming you instead of blaming himself for putting you in this precarious position.

Insist on his need to accept the proper consequences of his promiscuity: mandatory testing for sexually transmitted diseases. This is necessary for your protection, not to humiliate your spouse.