Adultery (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (5 page)

David’s heart cry is ...

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. ... Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” (Psalm 51:10, 12)

1
Confess
the adultery.

• Don’t think,
  “I’ll put the affair behind me. No one needs to know.”
  
• Decide now
  that the truth must come out in order for God to bring healing.
  

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed”
(James 5:16).

2
Commit
yourself to your covenant partner completely.

• Don’t think,
  “Children are the glue in marriage.”
  
• Decide now
  that commitment is the glue that holds a marriage together.
  

“ ... the L
ORD
is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth”
(Malachi 2:14–15).

3
Cut
all ties with the third party.

• Don’t think,
  “Affairs are okay as long as no one knows.”
  
• Decide now
  that adultery cannot be hidden. God knows, the illicit partner knows, and in time, others will know. Ultimately, the affair will burn you.
  

“Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?”
(Proverbs 6:28).

4
Choose
where to place your thoughts when tempted.

• Don’t think,
  “All I am doing is admiring the beauty of God’s creation! What’s wrong with that?”
  
• Decide now
  that I cannot fool God. I will honor and protect my marriage covenant by my thoughts and actions, and His peace will be with me.
  

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you”
(Philippians 4:8-9).

5
Consider
the difference between love and lust.

• Don’t think,
  “How can it be so wrong if it feels so right?”
  
• Decide now
  that love is not a feeling. The supreme test to determine if something is right is not how it feels, but what God says about it. If sin never felt good, no one would ever be tempted to sin. Love is a choice to make a personal sacrifice.
  

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”
(Ephesians 5:25).

6
Count
the cost.

• Don’t think,
  “As long as no one knows, no one is hurt.”
  
• Decide now
  that adultery hurts everyone involved. You’ve brought guilt and God’s judgment not only on yourself, but also on the other person.
  

“The trouble they cause recoils on them ... ”
(Psalm 7:16).

7
Communicate
godly sorrow.

• Don’t think,
  “If I admit I’m sorry about the affair, everything will be okay.”
  
• Decide now
  that there is a vast difference between “worldly sorrow” and “godly sorrow.” Worldly sorrow is being sorry for getting caught. Godly sorrow is a change of mind with a change of direction, resulting in a change of behavior. You hate your sin so much that you turn from it and never turn back to it again.
  

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death”
(2 Corinthians 7:10).

Q
UESTION: “My husband, who sexually betrayed me, blames me for not trusting him. What should I do?”

A
NSWER:
Trust cannot be demanded—it must be earned. He must prove himself
over time
to be trustworthy. Even Jesus would not trust certain people because He knew what was in their hearts.
“Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people”
(John 2:24).

Just like Jesus, you need to be wise and discerning. When trust has been broken, only repentance, faithfulness, and time can fully rebuild trust.

“It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” (1 Corinthians 4:2)

Painful feelings, wounded hearts, and bruised egos can lead to faithful mates making common mistakes that ignite an emotional tinderbox.

Faithful mates struggling with unfaithfulness in their lives can avoid pitfalls so that peace, healing, and reconciliation occur far more quickly. Lean on the Lord—who will
never
be unfaithful—for wisdom and strength in restoring your relationship. And cling to God’s promises in Scripture.

“For the word of the L
ORD
is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 33:4)

• Don’t keep
  trying to change your mate.
  
  • You are not responsible for changing your mate. In fact, you
    can’t
    change your mate—you don’t have that power.
    

    “The L
    ORD
    will fight for you; you need only to be still”
    (Exodus 14:14).
    

• Don’t repeatedly
  bring up the past in order to convict your mate.
  
  • The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts.
    

    “When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment”
    (John 16:8).
    

• Don’t blame
  yourself for the adultery.
  8
  
  • Almost all wounded mates struggle with false guilt, feeling responsible for the mate’s affair. However, whatever you did or didn’t do did not cause your spouse to sin against you. You can’t make another person sin. Our actions are based on our own individual choices.
    

    “Each of us will give an account of ourselves to God”
    (Romans 14:12).
    

• Don’t minimize
  or deny the seriousness of the situation.
  
  • Minimizing or denying the seriousness of the situation does not change the fact that it is wrong. Be willing to see sin for what it is.
    

    “Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness”
    (Romans 6:13).
    

• Don’t seek
  to meet all your mate’s needs.
  
  • You can never meet all your mate’s needs. If you could meet all those needs, your mate would never need God. He did not create anyone to meet all the needs of another person. Especially beware of becoming another person’s god—taking the place that God alone should have. God promises to meet all our needs.
    

    “My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus”
    (Philippians 4:19).
    

• Don’t communicate
  that you can’t make it alone and that you are completely dependent on your partner.
  
  • Your hope is to be in the Lord alone, not in another person.
    

    “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge”
    (Psalm 62:5–7).
    

Q
UESTION: “My husband is having an affair and refuses to talk about it. He just goes on living as though nothing is happening. I don’t feel I have any value. I cry a lot and feel my world is gone. What can I do about feeling helpless and hopeless?”

A
NSWER:
Your world is not gone. Although you are powerless to change your husband, you are not powerless to change the way you respond. Whether your husband talks about the affair or not, you decide your course of action and tell him what it is. Don’t continue playing the part of the victim.

You have the choice to find your significance and security in the Lord. Even though your husband has abdicated his role as husband through infidelity, the
Lord
promises to be
faithful
to you and to His Word. The Lord knows how to meet your need for love. He promises to be your Provider. The deeper your relationship with Him the more stability you will feel in your heart, and you will find your value in Him.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” (Hebrews 10:23)

Your spouse has been unfaithful. How does God want you to respond?

You may want to lash out in destructive anger. You may vow you’ll never forgive. But
natural
responses will never bring about the benefits of
supernatural
responses rooted in the strength, grace, and wisdom of God.

Follow these steps for the faithful spouse, which give sure and steady direction for the trying days ahead.
9

The psalmist reminds us ...

“See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:24)

1
Confront
your mate if you are suspicious.

• Many wounded mates wonder
  , “Do I say something if I have suspicions?” They assume, “Isn’t bringing up the subject putting the thought in my mate’s mind?”
  
• But the truth is
  that bringing up the subject might relieve your thoughts if you learn that your suspicions are unwarranted, or might be a deterrent for your spouse in the future, or might be used by the Holy Spirit to convict your partner. Don’t attack. Don’t blame.
  

  Ask ...
  

  • “Are you romantically involved or even romantically interested in someone else?”
    
  • “I feel that you are keeping something from me.”
    
  • “I feel hurt that your affection has turned from me.”
    
  • “I need you to be totally honest with me.”
    

  The Bible says,
  “The righteousness of the blameless makes their paths straight, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires”
  (Proverbs 11:5-6).
  

2
Refuse
to blame yourself for your partner’s adulterous behavior.

• Many wounded mates wonder,
  “Where did I go wrong?” They assume that they have failed their mates. This is a very common belief about infidelity.
  
• But the truth is
  that a spouse is not responsible for the mate’s irresponsible behavior. No one can make another person sin.
  

  The Lord says,
  “I will judge each of you according to your own ways. ... Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit”
  (Ezekiel 18:30–32).
  

3
Express
your anger in a nondestructive way.

• Many wounded mates wonder,
  “How can I handle my anger?” They assume, “Anger is always wrong.”
  
• But the truth is
  that anger is a natural response to hurt, injustice, fear, and/or frustration.
  

  The Bible says,
  “Be angry, and do not sin”
  (Psalm 4:4 NKJV).
  

4
Pray
that you will be guided by the Spirit of God as to whether you should leave an adulterous marriage.

• Many wounded mates wonder,
  “Must I remain in a marriage with an adulterous mate?” They assume, “I must stay married even if my mate continues to commit adultery.”
  
• But the truth is
  that there are biblical grounds for divorce: marital unfaithfulness (adultery). Jesus does not
  demand
  divorce in such a case, but rather
  permits
  it. The following conversation took place with the Jewish leaders:
  

  “Jesus replied. ... ‘I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery’”
  (Matthew 19:8–9).
  

5
Lean
on the Lord to be your Savior, your Completer, your Healer.

• Many wounded mates wonder,
  “What if my mate never returns to me?” They assume, “In order to be whole, I must have a mate.”
  
• But the truth is
  that one is a
  whole
  number—not a half, not a fraction. You can be complete in Christ.
  

  The Bible says,
  “You are complete in Him [Christ]”
  (Colossians 2:10 NKJV).
  

6
Choose
, as an act of your will, to forgive.

• Many wounded mates wonder
  , “How can I forgive and forget?” They assume, “You must
  forget
  in order to forgive.”
  
• But the truth is
  that forgiving is not forgetting. The key is
  how
  it is remembered. Forgiving is remembering without bitterness, hatred, or resentment.
  

  The Bible says,
  “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”
  (Colossians 3:13).
  

Q
UESTION: “My wife committed adultery years ago. Although she has truly changed, I continue to have trouble forgiving her for the hurt she caused me. How can I overcome the anger I still feel?”