A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (20 page)

Now the window now I look out there. Smells of Fairy and damp matches stink in here. Hot swamp with condensation. Roll. What I’m. Help. I’m doing here. Light the gas just and put the pot on full.

What’s the day? It’s the day that they come. I know. Waiting. What. If I see? I’ll. I’m in the window. Nets. No. Like a stomach I’m sick. I. Is that them? Pull up. Red car. They. It. Is. Yes them. How’s his hair wet? It is. Curls. Curls a bit. With her handbag on her chest. Jesus. Cut her in half. I’d slice it at the neck. And he looks up. Don’t see me. Pats her. Cat. Close the door love. Go on in. I’ll lock up. See me standing. Look down. Looking at me. This is not. I see him well enough. Bastard that he is.

Get the door. I can’t. She goes instead and I’m just standing. Twist the usual. Twisting my hair. Where are you? Sleeping. Don’t do that but. No. I hear her come in. I don’t know what to say says our aunt. Put their arms round each. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m just worn out. There there. She is comforted. I am standing on the stairs. Mammy catch me with her eye. That one there. Too much for me. Now says the aunt, we’ll sort out all these things. I’m sure she’s a great help, isn’t that right? Don’t you want to be a help to your Mam in her time of ? I. Come on in and sit down you must be exhausted from the flight. Put on the kettle you. Aunt touch my back says your mother’s overwrought. Try not to take what she says to heart. Yes I say. I put the kettle on.

Where’ll I stick these bags? he asks. Oh I forgot about you, just so pleased to see your wife. Come in come in. He is also hers to hug and kiss. You show your uncle their room. Come on, it’s upstairs.

Your room’s there. Aren’t you pleased to see me? Touch tips of my hair. Are you not going to speak to me? You can’t ignore me the whole while I’m here. I. What did you come for? Bring down that tin of biscuits from the wardrobe she shouts I’ve been saving them since Christmas. Mammy which? Those Danish butter ones.

That’s a quiet dinner. But least I made. Mashed potatoes and beans with a few rashers I grilled. Lovely plain dinner. Could do with a few fried onions mind. Ah one of these days she’ll make someone a lovely little wife he smiles and I don’t at all.

He is sitting on my bed. What are you doing here? They’ve both gone out. And what are you doing here? Your mother said she wanted us. You have to go, here’s not the same, she is, me, I’m not that. I want you. Not here all that’s done. I want he says. No. You to leave with me. No. I came here for. No. You need me. I don’t. Touch. He does. Don’t touch me. All that’s done. I’m much cleaner better here. You’re not. I’m something else and I can’t. Not here. That’s enough he says. And he wants. Loves to get me by the arms. Get away get away. Leave the fucking. Spitting out his mouth. Say. Leave me fucking lone. You’re the one I. No fuck you. Don’t you think I. Fuck you. To me you’re not some. Fuck you. Fuck me please undoes his fly. No. I. Shut up. Hurt my arm I’ll. Just be quiet. I won’t be long he says. I shut the light out. Shut the air. Hurt wrists to breaking. Fall all his weight. Is fine. I can Fine. Hear him say, you know I know you now and to hurt you very well. Push it up. Me. I am dry and blind. While he goes on. Crushing all my bones. I refuse to breathe. Ha! And only when he’s done let the light come through. I’m. Kiss my mouth. Get away from me you. That is the last time. The very last. You filthy bastard fucker cunt. Or cunt. Is me. For all time forward. For search he through my body rub. In the steeple. In the head. I’m. Now I’m. The wrong again. I shall. I’ll. Calm and kind. Not dirty bitch. Feel. Jesus. That’s it he says. No off get off. Just let yourself. Stop. You done in me what you done. Too late for frigged off making come get off. Please leave with me. No. I said I’d stay. I say to me my. I. I said. I said I’d never leave. Now peel his body off to kneel and while he will stay off I pray. Pray this will all be gone.

At the side of your bed I touch your hands. I know they are going wrong. They’re not. Not doing all what they should ever should. Your eyes. Turned back. Sleeping in your head. That’s it happening and I’m. No. I’m right. I’m staying here. I hear. Across the house. Like howl. Like wind. Fucking devil. My head. Come and get me. Jesus save. Jesus pray. Uncle that. Let him die. Let him be dead. He should he fuck. He fucks fucks me in me every day. I want to. Yes I’ll. Here and now. I’m going to. I will. I will yes here with you. Must. And want to. Going to going to going to. Stay. Her. Here. Her. Not her here. Me.

I see they’re not going. He pets her in the kitchen and she cooks the tea. Our mother wants them always. They are staying here. We’re staying for the time being. Til the bitter. Fuck them. Bitter. They just want to see it to the end.

Mammy sitting one afternoon. We’ve something about which we should talk. Your brother. What? Can’t seem to get up out of his bed. Anymore. I see you staggering. I see that. It means the end of things is coming. I know. Faster.

Around that dinner table. Stuffing all our mouths shut. She aunt going nack nack nack for she always has thoughts and always wants to say I. Spoon the peas the carrots in and dry spud choke me make sick I like. The best that way. Clinking he does drinking wine he bought petrol tasting and it get me in the throat. I warm though. Under. None the others won’t have and you are sleep. You’ll have a tray of neat and little cut up things shush for later there. They thank you god for being so good thank you lord for all my friends thank you god for everything thank you god. Amen. Sing. Like I was at school. I sang each day. There eat up there it will make you strong. I strong I think I’m on the mend. I clean my everything. Feel the carrots dissolve and the spud go down. There’s a whole clean world in here is mine. But he looks up at my face and I’m. Cough the dinner. Lights. Are dim but. Those eyes uncle eyes eat all things off my skin. He looks through the table smile at me. Burn and I’ll look. No. Not at. Through the window at the rain coming in. Are you going are you staying? When’s safe for me? He. Twist me. He see me in. This fucking house spring my neck trap he got me in. But. I. Yes. Can too. Do too. If I choose. I’m. There’s my plate on the worktop Mammy. I’m going out. Where you? See you I. I’m off. Put my coat on. Safe me. Out of here. In the black that grey that. Wet black sky. If I want to. There’s something. Because I am able to say no. Because I am. I. Want to. It keeps me clean near you.

I know where the tarmac go. Where the lights fall gravel comes place for me. It hush in the dark in the night in the sky I hear I see. Ever up there something. I. Car coming down the road. Come for me. No. Pull up. Hear that. My uncle. Get in he says. You shouldn’t walk here at night. He. At the steering wheel. I sit. Rocking with the engine with the petrol tank. Think. There’s a there’s a world’s not this. Where you going? I. Your mother’s very hassled. She could do without your antics traipsing off. Your brother. Don’t you say. Just start driving. He pulls out. I’m going to take you where? What? Where you going? Going to the lake. Why? Things to do. I. I’ll come with you you won’t. Yes. No. I think I know. So? Gull the engine. Gull the traffic going by. You and me he say, we have things to. No. Just there. It’s there. Pull in and. Here? Little road pull up. It’s dark. Yes. What you do here? Not your business. But I but. Ssssshh. I come here on my own. But I. Sit. You can wait. Here. Or go. I’ll come. No. This is not for you.

I go into the black of trees. I wander over a silver of lake see the moon in. See the night and no one round. No one here. I sit on moss wet ground I sit and feel the. No. Don’t feel here. In this moment in the place like this. I want the. Earth. My legs spread wide. The tremble moment men invade. Boys come in. I was small. I. Wounds were good for deep and. Quiet. Listen. Something. What’s here? What’s here? The crackling ground. Moving. Come the fucking soldiers for me. Come the heavenly host. That smell of stink cigs smell of stink of shit and cloy. Stink I want. Dirt clothes and mats and hair that. Hands are. Greasy with oil or. They come. Here are two. Two with them with cans or them six pack. Settle by the water. Settle by the edge. Toothing open bottles. I hear them laughs.

When it’s black and still again. Light their fags. And I say. Hello. Sit with them. Be the smelt. I. Fucking. Game think I know you. From before. Hello you there they say. You know it’s not safe to be hanging around here in the dark. I know you I say. Yes? From before. Do you? he says Where? Have a gulp of. Fizzy under skin. Thanks for. He’s older is he than I thought? From here. Maybe two months past. Really? Yes I know him fish shit man. Hmm he says. Oh yes, you called me a cunt. You were being disgusting. So I was but weren’t you? No. Nice young girleen come down here doing. You do. I do. Well I won’t hold it against you he says. Why don’t you come here and sit on my lap? No. Knotty fingers out. Black with something. Touch my leg. Say how you’d like come in the dark dirt with me? I. What else are you doing here? He stand up. Come on. Get me by the wrist. Lead me over the stones. I remember the rank. Go on. Teeth. See that hawthorn flower? Lie you down there that fallen tree. A lovely blossom teeth. He. No hang on I. Just shut up and pull your knickers down. Spread. I. His fingers. That. Ready now girl. There’s a big. Now. Ready there. Fall on me. Fuck. Thhh. Hurts. Ow. I’m. Push my face on the. Pull my hair. Hold me down. I like the. I’m not. Work on the it’s. In me. I. Fuck you I. Fuck you. He. Waddle happy there in me. I’m a cunt am I? Dabble. Give pain where. I. It. Extra. Hard work. Him. The. Ssssss the sting but. No. Go on. Mind that. Go on. Ha ha do you come here often? There’s the. I know. This go. Well. Proper as it. Is. Feel that. Should I. Press into my ribcage. Push he. Push air out. Pin me there. I. Ow all all and there the. He so happy. Cracking ground. Sounds. Someone’s come. Me? No. Shut up. Struggle up my head. I. In the. See. Rush in the mouth. I know that’s the right thing. When I. Pus. Or spit the. Cough. I. Blood. Frail lady I would be. He. Who’s that in the branches? What’s that? Look at me. He in the pine trees leaning. Look at me. At the mount at the. Yee haa girleen. Jesus jesus. He. Come on. Spout up he up. What’s the shower up the. Finsih in me. Fincsh. Good girl the. End of it.

Come out. Tidy there’s a tissue. Now see I’m a gentleman. I take I. Fall in. Let the. What’s the air. Oxygen. Get into me. And pull his pants up. Tucking the thing thought in. Nad byt ehn. What’s that in my ear? Thanks goodbye. He says do you want to come sit with us. Have a few of our beers? No. A fine nice night. I pull up and down my clothes. No. Are you too good for us? Sit with. Down there. Come on girleen. Have my wrist I. Is there? Jesus though. He is. There Uncle. Turn.

What you doing? To that girl? You fucking. Pervert. Fucking. Scum you. Get you here he says. What’s it to you? says my fucker. Uncle reach lands a thump on his ear so he stumbles. Get off me she wanted it. Blow again too hard on his face. He falls down. Don’t I. Stop it. Pervert you. My niece. My. Stop. Kick him stomach. He holds out his scum hands Okay sorry I’m sorry just leave me alone. Stop it I. Shut up you. Kicks into him harder again. Harder. Stop stop it Jesus leave him alone. Fuck you he reach down and get him by the hair. He hit and hit him to curled up there. You bastard stinking fucking. Stop Jesus stop it I wanted him to. And that man on the ground. Pass out. Just stop. Come on. Spit on him. You fucking pervert you fucking dare. She’s my. Leave him be.

And you, he have me. By the hair. Slut always you can’t you keep your knickers to yourself. Let go. Slap me. More than ever before I. God my face. The. God my eye is coming out it seems. Falling over in the. See whore, what you done? Dragging through the nettles brambles. On to the path I. Falling in. Like I can’t see. He. Fuck you shake my head I. Don’t. Please. He slap again my. Seeing. Falling through the trees I’m. Falling. Catch. My love. He says. My love for. Shut the. Love for you. Is nothing I say and stretch my hands up til they tear the air behind. Til they burn on nettles and thorns barb wire. Do to me what you always ever wanted please. My head is singing. He kiss me. Please my don’t make me do that again. I’m. I’ll sing a song for you I say hobble with my sight. I’ll sing. I’ll sing. I am I I’m nobody’s fool. I’m nobody’s. Nobody’s fooled. I am I am I am I am. Stop that. Never stopping sing again. Where’s my. I can’t notice anything stumble. Til he stops til he touch me til he. What you doing? Stop leave me. Jesus. Bit me. Below the neckline of the dress. The. Bite. Hurt that. My breast. Through the stupid white my bothered skin. See blood come. Rings I think of teeth flower. You. Don’t. You don’t. Again. My lovely girl my love my. He says. Look at me. I’ll always have you in the end. Because I love you. Shut up. Best. So so so so? Well fuck you then. He says. Wipe up that. Put your bra. Fucking state you’re in. Don’t know a man loves you. Don’t know. Fucking mental that you. Dirty cunt like him. Well I liked it and I fucked it and I wanted it some more. You fucking. Shut your. Caught my, the roots, in my scalp like they’ll rip me. Coming. Uncle loving coming. Coming. We to. Home.

In the car driving. I won’t take you in like that. Look in the mirror. Your mother brother aunt and. Jesus. I open car door. I can leap. Out. Swerve. Sit the fuck back in. I need the. Hold it now. Just wipe your face. Sit back I said. Sit back and put you seat belt on. Hahahahahahaha. Fucking stupid face. I’m. Shush. I’m off the world I need a think I think I need a drink. I still feel your disgusting run about in me, I say. Stop that talk you’re not so. I’ll tell your wife I’ll show her what you done. The smell she’ll know it’s you. Disgusting you are you know you always led me on you won’t say a thing. I. Won’t. Say. If you hit me. If you tell me to. I do.

And we get to the house. And he got me by the arm. And he threw me in the door. And he said. I got her home. And he said. Go you to bed. And he said. Stop playing up. And he said. You’ve one last chance. And he said. You mother doesn’t need antics. And he said. Now no more fun. And he said. Your brother’s ill. And he said. You selfish madam. And he said. Now act your age. She’s up to all sorts, that one. And they clapped they loved they worshipped him. I picked up sticks out of my hair. Dirt up off my tongue. I felt the loving smears go in. The loving blood. I felt water rushing in my brain. I dead the heart. I am for you alone.