A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (24 page)

I lie thisright place for me with my fingers ripped onthebody Mine is Lie in the ground faceWhere I Right for meyes. Think about your face. Something. Shush now. Right now. FullofslimeThere better now. And I am. Done with this done. Fill the air up. Smear the blood up is there any no no t reeeeelly. My work is. I’ve done my I should do. I’ve done the this time really well. And best of. It was the best of. How. Ready now. I’m screaming in the blackness. Scream until I’m done my body. Full of nothing. Full of dirt the. I am. My I can. There there breath that. Where is your face off somewhere. Where am I lay down this tool. I fall I felled. I banged my face head I think. Time for somewhere. Isgoinghome.

I get there I get. I get to the door. I am. Bleed blood on my mouth. Gone. My I know it’s there. Was. Salt and iron. Gone. I lick tank taste water taste brack there I. In my gob. Vomit on me. Gone. My hair. But in my eye. Just all is there is in my eye gone. Gone it back to. Bed. But the silent. House in there I know. Bleed my knuckles find if I. Something. Key. Hear the swarm hear the queen in the hive I. Turn the handle round about I push the glass door goes I go. Go in.

Under your door I know they’re. Swaying sing on you doing. And you are scared by if you’re awake that. Not you no that there’s I. Forget. You are. Gone. You would be though afraid of that. Aunt are here. Is here. They in there no not. No nright mright rong wrong they won’t be there. But I will I. Me me. Will I get in this room or go orgo or goon wash myself blood I know that my cheek no there isn’t. My mouth. Plunged and red and purple swoll like a lemon melon swoll like riped ripped like shreds my tongue my salt my. Who kissed me? Burn of it god that torn. Open the door. They you who are there?

Oh Lord God. Oh Lord God of might where were you? What happened you? What happened your face? It looks it looks like. Oh sweet Jesus someone say sit and let me look. At. That. They come like locust clusters of bees on me land on me don’t shh I know don’t don’t move or the you what makes them angry let no you don’t sit. Don’t move.

And she my mother look at that what. My torn out mouth my ripped out hair my puke vile blood clothes holes with mud grass on she does not see they do not see. Maybe. I. Eyes burst with rage she. Seeming. She will. I’ve no. I look at you there, spread light their candles by your bed and you asleep and you. So white and clean my. Speak if it were not for my tongue I wish I was. Sssss. She has me. Come you out here. Close the door on them. What have you done?

What I’ve done. Nothing ever ever Mammy. Don’t you cheek me, clip on the ear. Ow Mammy. How can you do this to your brother to me? No. Where were you? I fell I hit my head I fell I got my mouth I caught my pulled it on a bramble pulled it on. What are you on about? Your lies and lies are. Have you no shame? Mammy. All my shame I give to you. I’m turning off the lights I’m shutting down my doors. What do you mean by that? Don’t you turn your back on me. What do you mean? Nothing Mammy. I’ve had enough do you hear me? Enough of you. Your face. You’re a state. Making a show of yourself on today of all days. Go she says and have a bath. Lie down and later someone’ll take you to get a stitch in that. I open the door look at. You’re awake saying what’s gone on you’re not. I wish. You were. See do you see what I did to my face for you for you lying there? Oh I. No I don’t. They look at me. I fell and wish I fell don’t. I just fell. You should. Can hardly talk your voice comes up but far away from me. I know you know the. Sound of. Sssh you can’t talk to me. I know I don’t I do. Peel off from you what face once was. I’m going no. Go out of the room. Get out of my sight she says.

I climb the up the. Hurt. Stairs. I go. Behind I hear them close your door and pray.

Do not be afraid – I will save you.

I have called you by name – you are mine.

When you pass through deep water, I will be with you;

your troubles will not overwhelm you.

When you pass through fire, you will not be burned;

the hard trials that come will not hurt you.

For I am the Lord your God.

Near me I turn the bath light on I see I think that fuck punge of my face. It tore it shred of. I see think I must she creature fuck that me that what have you? Sssh wash it off. I see floorboards in the bathroom coming up for me. Wave. Do I see. In the trees in the hunted. Fox and goat. No. Where’s the. On my hand. My face the blood on. My lips. Teeth. Rust on my dirt or me. Where’s the. Nothing. Water. Turn what at the taps to do. Burning. My the. Oh what’s the words for the. Where are you? Where are you? I. Door handle turn. Don’t come in it’s. For him the who’s there uncle looking in at you. No. At me.

Jesus Christ you’re green. Look my face. What have you done? See there see it? See it? Oh my God, they said but. Me. See. Me me me not her. What? He. I don’t know. What’s that inside you now? Hwta the knewit. Gone s. Lost but something. What I.

He stretch his hand out on my soft head. He puts his hands on. Touch my hair. The. Dirt in it. Picks. You done, you done this to yourself this? This? Know me you know he know me. I. Yes I. So I did. I was good and I was strong. Oh his f. He is crying. I. Something. He. Put. He put me in his arms he catch the. Stroke my. Don’t do that again. Don’t do that I. Whatever it. You have done. He I. No get off I. He. I squirm he. Got. He. On my back his soft kiss and hands and hands and. I fall in there. On what I know. H. He turn. He lock the bathroom door. In there. There there there. In the dark there’s no light on. My eyes. For a long time Shush love shush you now. No one’s here and others praying can’t hear can’t. Why I’m here. Let me do for you. He say. He this. Comfort. To stroke me down. Yes hands on me I let. In my long hair. In my jumper. He feels. In my knickers. Don’t. In my bra. No. He find the trail leading. All the way back. I love you. I love you it’s he says I love you. That is love evermore for me. He say open let me. In. I’ll mind you. No. Shush there. Lift my skirt up I think knicker hands. Runs hands on score thighs dirt. There open my love I won’t he says open and undoes. The trouser the spring the needle stick the knife. Let me. I won’t. Don’t scuffle. I’ll take care of you. No don’t. Take it all out of the inside. No. Push back in. Knock me on the door. Ssssh. Don’t let everybody hear. I lo I lo. I’ll take care of you. Let me. Oh no no no no no. I don’t want. Want. Quiet pet. There he does it. Says come on now it’s what’s good you and us. Stick it ionthe don’tinside wwherhtewaterisswimming htroughmynoseandmouth throughmysense myorgands sthroughmythrough. That. A. My brain. He. Like. Now. Ithink i smell of woodwherethe river hits the lakebrownwashfoamy up the bank side Isee allcreaturesthere fish ducklings inthespring spring water going throughmyveins sinktheocean seeoutfar my salt my. Sea firsttime. Ahhhh pisses. Up me. Is the love that. No the other. Finisch lovely. He is done. Drop to earth. Tender. Can’t smell this room.

He done and shake the. Let me. Fall down there. No the usual it is but i lost the. See I love the. Clean my little girl I’ll wash your face. I’ll kiss your face. I’ll see you sore. I’ll touch your mouth. My eyes. He. Pat my girl. My soon I’ll take you far far away. Kiss my girl my poor poor girl. We’ll. Had such a hard time little girl. Take care of you. I’ll mind you now and tuck his thing. And there and now and calm. Love now I’m going down. See if I can help your mother. Keep everything normal isn’t that right? You should go to sleep. You should go to bed. It’s a long and terrible day for you. He. Sit me on the bath. i hold on there. Now love. Tight until he’s gone.

Stag i can’t stan i cn.an’t stan i fall down on the splish of the water run it. See my invisible face. i’m drowned i’m awake i’m drowned. No your brother is and not you. Clickedy click the lights are off. Are on. Water take all. Boil up. i slip in the deep. My face go under there. Purple waves and taste of foam. You. No. Not here. i’m burn.

Think get up now go in your room and later when they’ve all gone i’ll know the thing. Alright. Later then.

i go i off to the room where i lie and lie down on my face. Think of this. Did i give him all he asked for then? Mouth tasting of sick. Eye back in my head. A burning stomach. A body wet from the rain. It did tonight I remember. I recall. Wet and freezing. No it. Did it? I. Give it to him if he wanted it. I don’t. I think he did. Fuck the. I’m the girl. Did that is that love to me. I’m. Spite and spit and sick. That’s me that was. Is now. What me? In the layers of make-up? In the smear on his shirt? In the cold pocket between my legs? Where do I live? Where am. Someone he can see and cut into. Good to be. Butter and knife. No. What he takes. What he takes is the what there is of me. Now you’ve. I thought was nothing left. Now you’ve. How he knows it. He knows it is there for the beating the stealing the. I. Some place around that. No. I am there. Now you’ve. I. What’s it like in the silence when. You. I. Where. I. Hello. Hello. Is he are you there? Ssssss. There? I’m only here in my bones and flesh. Now you’ve gone away.

The night is quiet. There are no dreams.

But this morning no one came for no one comes for me. How can I. Wake. My face is brick. My everything sting and swollen. Up. I am. Something. I am sore. Do you. I go I. Down the stairs. Cold. My mouth hurts against the light where it shiddent and it shouldn’t lick it smart. My back. Thinks it feels too riddled with holes. Dead. This. I. In the kitchen no move no one. Everyone quiet is sip their tea. Aunt there in the cornflakes eating. Uncle mother not you but me I. Go and will not look up. Have a cup of over there. I. In this house of. I am left behind. Is your face sore? Not too. Teach you what. Teach you go walking all times of day and night. House I am left behind. Yes Mammy. You’re a disgrace. I am. I am. If your father was. House I am left behind in. If your. I am sit. Curl table body and face. Sit up while I’m talking. I’n mammy I. Feel my ebb to the grass and tea with leaves I’n. Going. Sit up I said. Sit up. Where’s my skin is black with. Ants and. Where’s my brother? She says I’ve had enough nough to last a lifetime. Ma. Your brother’s dead my girl. Lying stretched out in there as you know well. Left behind in. Your brother’s dead and all you can think about is. Before everyone. Before everyone you came here and displayed yourself looking for sympathy. From me? From me? You dirty. Don’t now our uncle says. Says she you keep your nose out if nothing else. I’ve only so much patience and I’ve bitten my tongue too long. You have shamed yourself and me and your brother most of all. I can’t even look at you. I haven’t wanted you in my home. But I allowed you because I thought you were making amends. But not you. Of course not. Selfish to the last. You couldn’t even let your brother’s wake pass without making a show of yourself, showing everyone your contempt. Well my girl, you may look down your nose at my beliefs and friends but I wasn’t out throwing myself on every man passing while my brother was dying. You are disgusting. You are. Sick in the head. How you’ve lived. This filth you’ve made of yourself. So now your good kind brother is gone and God forgive me but it’s true. I almost wish it was you lying there in that box. You. And not. My. Son.

I am. Get up from that table. Slide the. Cold hard tiles. My the. Oh my brother where have you gone? Where’ve you. What I’ve done. Where you going? she says. There are so many doors here. So many so many that. Open. Open it I am. I’m. Where you going? I’m so many doors I can knock knock knock. Where’s my coat. My hat. Where you going? For a walk. Down. You be back here in an hour and you be washed and dressed and clean there’re people coming. The priest is coming and you be here for the prayers. I. Don’t want to hear it she says and cover that bruise, it’s the very least you can do. You’re a disgrace. Yes Mammy. And true but. I am gone gone gone.

I go into your room. You are breathing no not. Like stone. I kiss the all. Wrong head poor head. Was yours. Where. White. Touch all wrong hands folded over like. Now and at the hour. Of prayer and say now your eyes are shut on me. There’s a white patch drift. See it? Where I have. Rotten. Been. Where we have. Brother and. Brother and. Go round my head. Simple as it was. Gone. Wrong. Where my hands are. Hold out for me. Hold. I never asked I never did I. Moving. Don’t see through you. Is silent and blank. Don’t. Don’t forget me because I won’t be long. I’m going walking. Over the stones. Close out the cold door. On me. My love. Close out those old stones.

I go walk blacks of road go cars there white as. Rubbish passing on my feet are hurt and. Blind my lips. All that’s. No speaking. No speaking here where the sunlight and cold wind blow me quiet. Burning motors. Crows go round the sky. I’m. Walking where that’s home. And wind blows thistles on me. Nettles to burn but. Turn the little road. I see there. The little road down.

Pass the lamp posts. Out of sight where the trees are. Cover me. Turn the corner spread before. What I want to. I go down. Walk gravel off the path where grass is trodden, rabbits been and maybe cows have. Suck of hoof marks. Filthy ditch strangle grass, sticks bottles petrol scum of. Rushes. Twisted wind. To the end there. Look. And stand.

There’s water I see. Light of. Sunlight catch my eyes where the small drops trickle in the small wet streams. I see the water. Look upon the lake I’ve been in. I’ve been known of. Come to know. Well. Touched and loved and ripped here all the same by hands teeth and claws and waded in. Swim. See my scrawl there. Under my feet. Mud and weeds where I was, my blood split on. Running in running in among the reeds where the ripple fish go. And vomit and some half drunk can, some things, some paper bags some cigarette rolled and stuffed and smoked. Ground to the heel. This home I know.

I see water. That under eyes is pool as deep as the far sun. Wider than sky is wide with herons fly up and swans all swan tongues clacking. Clack for me. And wings beat in air. For me. This morning. When the mist is gone. And rubbish drift is left behind.