A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (21 page)

I went in. I knelt next to by your bed. I put my face in the hook of your arm. I said please please you help me. I thought. I knew. You’re dying soon. I wished for you. All the very good. Your life was better than it been I said I love you. Please tell me you love me. You sleep. You sleeping. When I know. I think your face the very best. When we were we were we were young. When you were little and I was girl. Once upon a time. I’ll mind you mind you. Now. Not then. And I genuflect your quiet bed. I kiss your face. Leave the room. I’m going. Sleeping. Just like you.

I the morning. I the day. When the air was. The air is. Today. Today. When the bones hurt no I’m young. When the everything’s sitting like. Right. What’s happened? For the radio’s somewhere play. In the house. I’m in the house. Today what’s that? Today. Say. Play. May. There’s coming up out of my heads. A. Sssssssomeone’s coming. Wwwwwho’s a dddddoctor. Who’ssss going to. Lllllllook at mmmmmy love. That is. Yyyyyyyou. I’ll wash my. Clean my. Hide. Honour or the privilege of. Fuck-up. By my side. Your side. I know. Go down.

There’s the kitchen air stink like fat. Mounging their breakfasts. Globle it up eat that eat that. They aren’t look don’t look at me. Like the look of me. I have my breakfast and I go in to see you with a scrambled egg. With a scab of bite marks on my chest underneath it all.

Your eyes shut on the pillow and your soft head. Hey morning you there. How are you? Not. Grog your eyes. Sleepy. Wake up wake up now. It’s me here your. So quiet you do. Hello there that’s my sister. Yes. I am. Are you alright? Hungry? I brought you something. What? A little scrambled egg. My favourite I love it. It comes from a hen. It does. It surely. Now have a little bite. Spoon you. My sweetness. I spoon in and wipe and lift. I tilt your head. There forward bit. I have my tender love for your sore head. For your dreams in there for all the things that are good to sleep for. Forget this house and world and stuff. We now. You and me.

The hours come. They come. Over all the clock. Around with time. I am sleeping my face on your quilt. Hear the doorbell ringing. Know the cock has crew. Oh come in. Make yourself. Sit down. Our mother opening the door. In. My daughter. Dr blah and blah. If you want to sit there. Shall we leave you? No you can stay. Doctor is she? Hello. Stand up. Don’t mind yourself what happened to your eye? I fell and hit my head. It looks sore did you put some frozen peas. Don’t mind her doctor. She’s grand. Well take it easy the next few days, sit down. I do again next to you.

This is a lovely peaceful room. Yes it is. My daughter made it before she. How nice. Round the bend. Well it’s a hard old time for everyone. Hmmm she but she. Yes. In the end. And now your name? What’s your name? she said all soft to you. I’m doctor from the hospice. This is my first time to you and I’m very pleased to meet you. Meet you you said. You’re tired out. I am I am. There’s a pulse in my mouth going round and round.

She took her things out things she need to do to you. And took your pulse and hit your knee and asked the day and date of week and you didn’t know those things at all. It’s alright she said sure when you’re not out much it’s easy to get confused isn’t it? Yes you say. And I was glad she said that. You smiling. Have not. In some time. Checked for bedsores. For stretch marks. I see. The weight you’ve put on makes flesh like rips under your arms and on your stomach I see. Like claws gone in lacerations and pulled off your skin. There she says some cream and says that’s the steroids. Smooth your blankets out.

Tell me how you feeling? You say. I’m so tired now. All the time I. Wish I’d watch television I’d play some games with the other boys if ever they came round. I. Shush there, let him tell me. And how does it feel? Your head? Nothing I don’t think anything’s up in there. Nosebleeds? Headaches? Vision getting blurred? No. When I get better. Sssssss that fills me so I get worse. How do you think you are yourself ? she asks. I, you say. Haven’t I? Haven’t you what? Cancer somehow in there. I clamp. You do, I’m very sorry to say she says. Will I give it to my children when I grow up? You won’t. That’s good. And then silence here. Waiting. Swallow ocean. Waiting for. This is a moment when I want most to be dead. Face into the water or lying on the bank. Not around for this. Coming here. This sunny afternoon. This. When you say it.

When am I going to get well?

She says.

You’re not. I’m sorry to.

Am I

this silent moment you say,

Am I going to die?

You are.

She.

Clearer in this moment than you have ever been.

Sooner or later doctor?

Sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to have to say.

And you. Filled up your bluest eye that fill and fill. Begin to cry.

I’m going to die then. Now. I’m going to die.

Yes. Is there anything you want anyone to do?

No.

Is there anything that you’d like to?

Say sorry.

What?

You. Filling all our hands with tears.

I am sorry to my mother and I’m sorry to my sister.

And you held my hand. Though you could hardly could. I wish Don’t say it but you do.

I’m sorry to you for this dying and all the things I’ve done.

Oh no oh no oh don’t do that or say those things that are no matter anymore.

Don’t be sorry to me.

I want to.

Don’t.

I say

Shush silent night.

I put my head down beside. Fill my mouth up with bedspread. Fill the air out. Stop the. The coming in. And your hand on it. Down on my hair. You’re crying and I am.

There there

You are saying to me.

There there there.

Death falling through the room, sucking all words from air for us. And for quiet of five minutes we are just. The blasted moment. Crushing our every bone. Please God don’t make me ever raise my face up. And you said

Why you crying? Why’s everyone crying here? I was. I was asleep and now everyone’s crying. She mother says

There’s no reason in the wide wide world.

Comes pats you on the back and says to me go blow your nose and wash your face Madam. I do. I do obey and first kiss you and. Fine I say don’t you mind about me. I’m grand. Then leave them to whatever they want.

In the toilet eyeballs bleeding it almost feels. Shussssh. Breathe. Wipe the burn out. Wipe my flesh. Deteriorating. No. Everyday. I know the end the end. We. And I’m the fucking one and please help. Da our father art in help. My prayer mine. Please. Don’t. Do. This.

I come out. There there, white hall with tiles and doors, with pictures hanging up. Work to do to make across it. Them standing open at the door. Her whisper saying tell me when? She doctor saying slow. No more months. Maybe weeks. One or two. Not any more. He’s sleeping. Getting incoherent now. He could have stroke or just go. My son my son. My child my baby my boy my boy. I. There. And I am. She puts her hands on me. She puts her arms around me. Oh my little. My boy my boy. My mother. Feel the. Strange and I am comfort there. I am the. Right. I am the right thing. In this time. Mammy. I will mind. This time. No shush. Take care of that eye the doctor hush and call me anytime. Thanks doctor for saying all that. For him. Goodbye.

It is soup for dinner. My aunt made. This is her best thing. Chicken and bread. I dunk the fat slice. My mother hands crawling to eat. And uncle head say, so we’ll do night about. He’ll need someone always there. Yes I. Tonight I’ll stay up he offers. All you go to bed and sleep. I’ll call if. He does not look at me. Filthy. I wish we prayed. This quiet house. My brother. Goodnight. I kiss you. I will. End this drum of day.

I dream of creeping under. I dream of underground where the warm earth is where the fire goes. Where we’re sleep creep you and me in holes. In burrows rabbits safe from rain. Roots growing caverns round our heads. And blind as mice popped out and new and cling and soft our bright pink skin. Who’s there? There’s no one. You and only me. We sing. We lilt our chamber. No one coming. And we lie. A thousand years of sleep. And get beards wrinkle old and small and we. Troubleless in our deep. Eat the earth-worms fat slugs things within. But I dream. Roots come growing. Slowly and tangle in. And roots come more. And fat and thick. And roots come fast. Roots fast in. Roots seek us. Catch us. Roots that want our head. Our eyes. We move about. The trees will have us. Have our brains for. No one in. That the trees will have us. Roots growing in the bursting through our skulls. Through in through our brains. Seeking out our noses. Seeking out our eyes for. Strangle. Choking out the air. Mangle organs. Tangle pain with us. The worming earth. Grown through. Pin us into soil. Grow life around and choke the air. Claw us. Snare us. Grow through our hearts. Working through our lungs and brains and we and fight and we howl. To silent. No more. Make us dead. Make us into mud. Rotting in the down. Rot in the deep. Turning into stone. Dust we we were. Dust return.

I night watch you this night. I sit. Hands under your head say drink this. Just drink this. He. You won’t. Not that. Don’t like here. And I say. I wipe your face. Dribble I see it. Just there. And swim your eyes around your head. Thanks for. That I. It’s alright my love go to sleep. I sit. These tick tock hours moving night across the ocean. Moving night across the sky. You moving once in a while. Say I want out of bed and I. There. You’re fine. You know you can’t. But I. Shush now. Read some flitter book while you are asleep and sleep and. I go under that. Until seven until eight. Until someone our aunt comes and says I’m up. You go on to bed. I do.

But the afternoon I am by your side saying wake you wake up. Don’t sleep now and you are you are nearly done say just a little moment. Just one more. And I peel around the kitchen and I peel around her home. Yours. I know that. Lifting heavy fingers doing what. I don’t. Still don’t. I don’t know.

When doctors come to visit saying. How’s his back? How’s his sores? Is he sleeping? Can you wake him up please? I can’t I know. He won’t. You won’t. They shake. He’s deepest deepest. Only when he wants to. Wake up. Anymore.

I can’t wash myself clean. I cannot wash my hair my. I tie the long bit back. I lie on beds I stare and watch islands by in clouds of up. Where I would. You. When we were small would make our homes. Happy palace. Where you are going. Soon. And when you’re gone.

We are happy cross each other. Everyone in the house. Eyes that wander off. Don’t see. Don’t see in the hallway on the stairs. Smelling dinner coming all the time and I say to you. Will you have a little something? You there. Can’t hold your fork. Hold your knife. I cut. I say. For you. Open wide now let me put it in. And you won’t smile and you won’t chew. Please eat it. And it will do you good. She sit and says I will. Let me. She. Go on please. No. You won’t though. No more eating for you.

She sits with you. That night I hear. Hail holy queen hail our life our sweetness and our hope to thee do we fly poor banished children. Of Eve. And in the morning. She is there. Cross her legs with her book down. Rosary wound like rope. Pulling in her skin going white til blue.

I walk and I buy you ice-cream. That I can. No. For you, lick a little bit. You’ve done well done what she says to me. In the kitchen. Lean on the back of my chair. Get what we can down him. That’s it.

So our uncle take this evening and will sit the night. Says he I will read the Irish Times he’s fine with me. And I’ll call if there’s trouble. All of ye can go to bed. I put my face down in a pillow. Think if I were dead if I were dead I’d be the best best thing. All good and right and well. I hear nothing. I. The all the night because the sky falls down where my bones should break. Nail me right inside the blackness. That’s a good night’s sleep for me.

The morning’s not so wild. He says that you ranted the all night. You up and down and up and down. What? How’s that I say. Sure he can’t move at all. He says you want the toilet. Twenty times last night. I could not lift him he says. The steroids filled him all up. You. Like a balloon. Too heavy for carrying. You know what. What’s now. No. No. He wouldn’t want. No. Yes. It’s past time for it.

Nappies now. For you. Sorry. The nurse teach me and she. We’ll do it. No one else will. For we’re the secret flesh and blood. You won’t mind us. You will. Roll him there. Roll him there she says. Like a baby. Stick on sticky tapes. Not so tight. There. Yes. I. There. It stick on there.

Tonight I sit with you. It’s. It’s fine. I. Secret in the whole house sleeping I am. Awake. And you are mine in the breathing. That breathing in and out remembers lost or quiet things you always wanted. Yes I remember those things too. Don’t you like me best here doing things for you? When you breathe I know what you reply. Yes the. That’s the. Come up to the lamplight. To. What you say you will. Anything at all I. I would slavey on my knees or tightrope cross Niagara Falls. Would you like spaghetti on toast from me on my head at dawn? I would and you say. Oh afternoon have I slept all day? I. No sure it’s middle of the night are you okay how do okay? I’ve just to go to the toilet. Shame you cheeks to say this word. I. You don’t have to get up. I’ve to. You can do what you have to there. Shut what a thing to say. Give me a hand. Up. I. Listen you’re alright there. You say. What? Your face red. What’s that? There there I say. I have to go to the toilet. You can go there. I. No I can’t are you gone crazy? No believe me you can, sorry. I’m. You have to. No. I can’t lift you anymore. If you won’t help me I’ll. You can’t. What’s the. Something. Words words. I’ll go on my own. Your temper that’s the devil up. Normal almost sight again. Pull the bed but melt like water. Gone to hell. All your muscles. You’d give me a hit but can’t. I. There. Lie back. Lie back. You have to. Don’t do this you say. Don’t. You have to. And I turn away. I say. Just go don’t worry it’s. Normal now. It’s fine. You. Strapped up in your body. You don’t live there. I. Don’t look. I hear you. Crying. Going in the nappy. Rage. Not fair. Not fair. You wait til I’m well. You can definitely kill me then I say.