A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (17 page)

There was someone on the phone was saying it’s like fingers through his brain. Was it our mother, probably was, saying how chemo ordered administered make you puke like mad. They said though like fingers breaking down. Like fingers starting to bleed. I said it was an old one but. I told them it’s not new. Mammy I. Because God you see. I would never survive. He wouldn’t ask that of. He wouldn’t ask me that. But I know we must wait a few weeks then scan. To see it all it will be peeled back.

For we’re dangling by our ankles. When will I you she fall in? Think I’ll spend my time going again. Home. Back there. Trains passing like teeth through my head.

Home. Knock knock. Well now, says the man, we came to lend our support. The ministry missionary fellowship. On the doorstep but right in my eyes. Praise the Lord praise the Lord above. We’re not Christians you know, that way. The way like you are I say. We’re Catholics. Yes but we heard about your brother? Brother. We heard of you and know you’ll want to hear the good good news. Oh whatsit? Jesus loves you. Right enough and so and is there some more better news than that? The best news. See, the best news you will ever hear. I doubt. Don’t think that’s true I think chemo worked or miracle cure could be better even than that. Now see that’s where you’re wrong for only Christ saves. From above. From up the clouds where heaven is right? And the kingdom of heaven will come again. I don’t think so sorry afraid don’t agree with that. That’s the problem. Why he’s dying. You see the devil got in. What? In your house. Don’t think that’s true. Down the chimney, up the plug hole did he how did he get in? He’s inside you he’s around you and he’ll drag you down. To the pit. I well know it. And your family too and is your father dead I heard he was. See see see? No. Wages of a Godless life. What do you know? Jesus loves you and he wants into your life. Let him come on in if he wants to. That’s the wrong attitude to take. Invite him into your heart and soul. He was whipped and bled and beat for you, for you and all your grievous sins. Was he now, is that so? It is and so now so there. Did I ask him? Did I want it? Was that ever what I said slice yourself up so many years ago for me for ever for what I’ve done? Indeed indeed sharper than a serpent’s tooth thankless child. You’re Jesus’ child. I am not. You are. Just let him in. Off the doorstep now I know enough’s enough. So you’re content to let your brother die? What? For your pride and for your wrongs. He’s cancer. But. There is no devil here. No Satan Christ in any manner. Crucifix to bow before. Figurines to kiss now. Get out. You need to get off this step. I don’t want your sort round here. Poisoned. Well God forgive you. And he can shove it. And damn you. He will. You too. Bastards. Showers of shite attend your every waking shitting prayer. So there so there so there so there. Bang the door on them that hard I’d shatter glass. Christians go and shite.

Do you know what’s that was, you saying limping up the hallway. Born again. Not again. What? Yes you say, I think I’m getting too sick of this. When are they? They’re here all the time. Yes? Saying prayers you know and lay on hands. I don’t. Yes. I don’t like that much. Sometimes. Too much I get. I get. Scared. Of die of dying of go to hell. She. For God’s sake what’s in her mind I don’t. You’re not going anywhere. At all. Understand me. Listen. Don’t believe that all. That nonsense rubbish crap it is. They’re eejits. And I say, you’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.

And that day. Later on. I sit. With my feet tucked. Read some the book. Hear you listen. I think what’s going on? Hear you, something, thinking what’s. Oh God. Oh God. That retch. Ripping out noise. I run up the stairs to you. Falling over the toilet you a miss all. On and on. See that now from the doorway. You hold the wall. Shake. The pool of it the force of it til I thought blood would come out. Your nose or out your mouth. Come out with organs swimming in it pool of sick I held your head oh help me over it. Across the toilet kneeling stroke your head go on go on I thought of him. Uncle. What. Want him to do it. Stop. Pierce me. There there. Lance the. And again. Take me save me from this as if. It’s alright it’s alright. He’d hear me there. Now. He’d know but he can’t. Stop. How could. That’s it. Get it all out you can. Must. I can’t. Bear this. It is. So. There now there.

I put you to bed after that. Rinse out your mouth and spit. Tuck. Lie there. Getting your breath. Sorry. It’s fine. There now there there. Calm. But. Again. Again. You. Can’t be. Must not. Not again. What’s left? You’re falling off the bed. The rush. Help. Where’s Mammy? It feels you could be dead. Of this. Of sicking one more time. Out at the novena. The rosary. Mass. At the first fucking Friday of Lent. The holy hour. The exposition of the blessed sacrament. God. Help me. You are you are. So bad. Just retching retching on my hands my clothes skirt it come out more than I think I would believe. The much of it stench coming back out more and more. Sorry I’m sorry sorry you said. I say it’s fine it’s fine don’t hurt yourself. Try not to. You can’t. Thinking oh my God what have I done? Not a little thing. Think of that. Not a thing. For the chemo’s working so you must be sick. Good. It makes sense it makes sense of course it does. But. God oh god oh god oh god. You are you are. He is he is. Going to be fine. I wipe your face off. I want. The sick off your face your hands. Change the bed sheets empty that bowl. There now. Lie now. Do you think you can lie down? Yes. Think it all could start again. Make the phone call. Shut up. But not this time. Now you’re lying back. Give you a small cube of ice. Just suck a little of it and relax. That’s alright. You’re fine. You’re grand.

You’re sleeping breathe like a baby that has cried. Shiver of it. Shiver of your lungs. And I’m watching. Hoping you’ll be. Well. But don’t think. Don’t think you. Will yes you will. You’ll be fine. I need to get out of this house. Sometime. Soon. For it’s coming and good uncle’s not here to. Stick it in. Don’t. Not for this, this time my greatest fuck you daddy father in my need. Not. Shut. Emerge. Will someone help me? In time. In. Time. Pray. Jesus. Please love me again. No one will. I wait and pick my fingers until she comes home.

And where have you been? Been with Christ. Jesus. Talking. Your brother will be fine. Christ Mammy. Ah. You’d do well. No. Right. Now Mammy I’ve got to go out now. Need a little break. Just. He was so ill. A little breather. Down the pub. I don’t. Yes I gave. One two friends. A lie. A call. Well. See you later and don’t wait up.

I go down and out alright. It’s dark here and it is night. Orange streetlights. I know my way. For all the time past nothing’s changed. I know the way. Know it. Know the way. Pinder ponder. It’s a blister. I shall pop. Think. Buy me a drink. Help the medicine go. But. No keep going straight. I know the way. That road. Up that road and in. The quiet trees. The dark. I know what. I know where I come where I have been before. Before. What. This. When I was. I am. Young. Hello there you. Remember me. Lake. Rushes. Remember. Catch the wind. And I remember that and that. The lights move. Focus. Catch it. Focus down. Rip. I remember someone. Where they go. Where I went. Here. Here. Someone burst me. Rendered me. Here. Scratched. Here. Keep me up. Aware. I am living. I am near. Is there someone? I’ll find them where.

And do. In the thicket. The bushes. The hedge. Say. Just as though they always were. Probably. They are. Waiting I see just for. Come in fall among them. Not much said. Not much hello’s. They are young. They are old. They know. They’re thinking. Just the same. Sitting. Drinking. Vodka mouths for. Come and join us. Hey you sit down. I do. Fall that. At the edge. Thinking I’ll go in. Just let them see me here first. And so much chit chat about football. Racing and RTÉ. The fine. Always this. Is normal here. For me. The cold. That talking settles well. Fine for. And someone’s leg. Thinking take that. Have it. For your own. Some man. Some person. What it matters. It’s a damp night. For we’re here and all the same. We’re soft we’re hard we’re going down. True and I do.

He gets me. Hello Missy. By the wrist and it can hurt. Take me to the bushes. They don’t care. Ra ra ra. The night’s begun someone sings. Shut up. Haven’t seen you before. I don’t care. I’m here for. Kiss me slobbly. Let him do it. Wet and tongue. Lick the. Squeeze me. Ah fine fuck fine. Something. Different and all that. Sliding. Variety’s the spice of life. Go on get on with it. Part your legs missy please. That’s all that we can do hey yes. Yes? Spits on his hand. Do. Grease himself. You fucking miss. Now. Ffffff. Open wide. There we go now hey. That. There we go. Ah. Sssss that. Come. Go on you fucking. Not. Ah. Something. Fun for everyone. There’s it. That’s it. Fucking. For a laugh. Ow I say. Ah ha ha ha. All this until blah blah he comes. My head bouncing nod nod on his shoulder. Off the bone.

After. Sore and used up. Is the way. Is the best thing you’d be if you were me. For you’d like that that solid feeling. On the ground. Full of stones like eating after fasts. Pull my knickers up. Tight. Go on rinse yourself he says. Where the loonies go. See a dead one. Gotcha. Ha ha. Go on slap it up you up your crack. Fish shit in you. Will you ever fuck off you cunt I say. Well. Seeya fuck you later. No. Fuck you very much. Ha Ha.

Go off. Leave me on the lake. Lapping like a shore. Reach for. Wash now. Reach. I can’t. Touch. It. Ocean water puddle lake. Now. Put back my face. This is the last time here.

I went home. On the stones. In the pale moonlight. Nothing in or by my side. Full my mouth swelled. His guck between my legs. His. Horrible. Even better if it run down. Skanky. Laughs. This is the way I’d like to be. If I had a chance. To start again. I wouldn’t. I’d do this. I would. But every day. Every day.

Red lights red lights one two three turn the lock and turn the key red lights.

I look in at you sleeping. I have never been away. She asleep too. Praying. Bible at her head. And I get into bed when I’ve washed my thighs. Whisper. I. Thank God. For you. For it. Tonight. Amen.

5

These journeys. These train journeys they are always going on. What I. Am I doing? Rolling over the country. I’ll give up going soon. Where? Here or back or. Enough. Thankless pointless things I’ll learn. To. But. Like it matters now who inspired who and who. Fuck that I don’t. Care. I. And your other one. Stupid cow out running friend. Drive my head round the bend with all the oh my life has troubles too. But I better do, have got to. Just stop see and cut the cord the thread with this life and I’ll be alright. Give it up, uncle up, that’s the way. No. And it sounds easy. It sounds not. But what I want. Not to be this. Ripped. Ah I see. Not. To. Do. This. Any. More. What. Nothing I don’t do a thing. Few fucks here and then and who’s that to do with? No one but myself. See. See. In the future I’ll decide. If I must go home. For good. If I. But now. But now. I’m doing fine. Like you. I’m. Doing. Fine.

Bring bring

He looks at me. Wonders what this is but I’m. I say. I can’t wait for you anymore. Hands. Mouth. Take me backwards into that dark room. His. He rip me open and hurt because I say though I don’t want, he beg. No that’s all I ask. And take for yourself. Whatever. You. Want. Because I know there’s not much left. When he kisses. I am. Strangle. And he pushes me down. Something flooding. My face my hands with. I. It’s you I want he says not all this shit. Fuck that. Just hit me on the face. No. Then get off. Get fucking off. Alright slaps my face. That’s all I’ll manage. Some more than. Please. Take off my clothes. Stand in front I of him bare. Isn’t it just like what you did to me when I was thirteen? Didn’t you like that, when you hurt me then? Don’t. More. He hits hard. I say don’t be done. Don’t be done. I don’t want this he says I don’t want. Just til my nose bleeds and that will be enough. So he hits til I fall over. Crushing under. Hits again. He hits til something’s click and the blood begins to run. Jesus he says. I feel sick. But I’m rush with feeling. Wide and. He thinks he’s bad when he fucks me now. And so he is. I’m better though. In fact I am almost best.

After he says my little girl my little come here to me. Kiss me. Sore face. Wipe my nose. There. What the fuck? I can’t say no. I can’t say no when I’m with you he says. I feel the penis on my leg. Ever he keeps me under. Sleeps on top of naked. But my guts are free.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Morning after pull my hair. Look at your face. Look at the state of your face. You want that done to you? Why do you want that done? Didn’t stop you I say. He says I didn’t want. I did not want to do that. Kiss the bruise on my cheek. Bruise on my eyebrow. Beautiful beautiful thing. This is the closest thing to love.

Jesus Christ oh Jesus Christ she says. Oh Jesus what happened your face? Did someone beat you up? Were you mugged? Fucking hell. No. She smokes mad now. Drop ash on the table on the carpet. Did he do that to you? Did he? Did he do that? He’s not coming here again, you hear and don’t you ever ask. I don’t care close the door in her face.

I stand corrected at the edge of the street. I stick my face out in the wind. Bursts of air-condition heat groaning up the sky. Faraway jets above. I know where they’ll fly. If I was on I would. Go like that. Outside my door I walk under the scaffold. Not the same as ladder. But bless myself all the same. I didn’t for a long time and look what happened then? No what happened you isn’t all my.

In the mornings after he came. I couldn’t do. Did once or twice go hunt with her. Just lighten up she says. But fun’s gone out of that I’m lost. In the deep sea. In as the saying goes over my head with what. With what. Salt on the brain. I have done. Do think of you. All the time. When he is here. When’s he coming again?