A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (19 page)

PART V

THE

STOLEN CHILD

Oh God light running through the room. I know. It’s supposed to be. And burn. No. Shine. This is not for me. Turn. Quiet in the morning. Through the house. I’m caught where the light comes. Where the sun comes in. Twist. Wind blankets bandage done. I hurt. And ache. For I have done. What? Nothing. Nothing at all. Turn the. Light out sound out. If I could. Wake up. I’ve plenty things to do. Through the nets puff breeze from a sky of blue. Hot. I don’t like. For aaApril this. Or May? I don’t. What? Day going. Days go. And I’ve been here a long long time. Weeks or years or. There’s a. Something. What? Surprise. Like I’ve never been gone.

I did not keep my curtains closed. They’re wide as anything. What for. To see. I’m in. The house. Is here. Where you. Are you. Sleeping. Through this wall. Sleeping hard. Tight with it. Days longer sleeping all the time. I am. Working on the. I am here. Minding.

All these motes drizzle in the sun. I should set the day. For the. I am the first up. Know that I will be watching. Listen for every hic and cough. See you and what’s that? The corner of my eye. Are you slipping are you forgetting? No that’s not right because. You. Not doing anything such as die. It’s a while yet. That’s for a time to come. In the weeks since I am back here. I think. Praying. She’s right. That’s the thing. My. Brother. Same as always. Doing all the same. You don’t want gravy. You don’t want jam on your bread. You want the TV and play kicking kicking games. That’s good that’s right I am wrong. I heard every single thing wrong. Just that I’m here is the. What? Change. They don’t know everything. They can make mistakes. I know I know that’s true I know I. Don’t do that I. Do it. But only when I can think this way. Now I’m here and seeing you doing right all the things you’ve ever done. And last night. Though. You. When I heard you singing some song. Wrong. Just. Something in it. Wrong. That line that. Went up. Went down. Don’t. Not that easy when that comes. That tumour. Floating sometimes in. In dribs in. Little niggles in. Like a something. Is it? Gone in your ear. That marauder. Is yes. Is really going on.

Turn the radio on. Up. You’re alright sure you’re alright. I’m. Yes there’s a house sat under my feet. Creaking. Wooden floor. Creaking bed I. Stretch. Remember this. My room. What? Home. And I must wake up get up look around for things to do. It’s a quiet world this morning. I’ll make the. Get go. Get up out of bed.

While she sleeps, while you are, while I go crack and creak upon the stairs. On the carpet that’s worn out. Swirly pattern there. Shoe scrubbed. Design. Me and you on it. Sliding on it. Good for us. I make breakfast. Sit there. Coffee quiet new beginning is the boiling kettle bowl of. Bran. Flakes. Good for. Good for me. Not the cold and a pint of milk. So quiet here after the night. Birds. When you are sound a sound asleep. I won’t wake you up. Just yet. Let him I think be. Sit. Think for me of the rain when I went march off to school. A long and something time ago. Sweat bus sweat piny sweat me sweat me. When we you and I were. Oh no. Young. Is the right word is it for that smell of underarms and my own hair? All grown- up now all grown fuck now ssshhh or they’ll hear. And pick at pasta still there stuck on the on the bit there. Draining board. When we were we were we were young. See the cloud in where it’s coming. I should I’ll wash and dress for. The.

That water. Smells like onions. Growing in the hot tap. Flake of scale there. Mine. Rough skin. Scalp. Hard water soap doesn’t lather and shampoo going down the drain. Gully lets the cold in like an open door. Get the. Let it in. I. Quiet down. Everyone’s still and don’t start singing you.

I comb up my hair. I’d snap it fray strands off. What’s the? Coming. I. Don’t know. What’s the. Another morning and doctor. Stopped car. He’s here. That’s. That’s him coming. Up the. Stroking rain into his pants from the bumper of her car. Right. Galvan. Answer that. Quiet or they’ll hear. They’ll. I’ll. Don’t get that but I must. Hello. You’re. How are. I’m calm and kind is who I. That’s. Come in he’s I. And shout are you awake? The doctor’s here for.

Wake up sleeping thing. The doctor’s here to. What? Your head. It’s fine don’t worry. Put your dressing gown on. That’s it. There there. Now do you know who this is? Doctor. That’s right. To see you. He’s. Tired. Aren’t you? That’s. Fine. You can. Stand up. Walk around. His foot. I see. Is. Is trailing bored behind. A little. No doctor. He had that all the time. Before. Didn’t you before you were sick at all? I don’t remember, you say. Droop just a bit since he was young. Isn’t that right? I want to say. See he’s fine nothing’s new. Miss. Shall I leave you? I’ll leave. No. Examine. Him. I’ll be down there. In the kitchen. Take your time. Take your time.

I pace chew. Jesus. Does he know a thing? You did always. Yes you. Always had. Your hand your foot a bit. No problems please here and nothing new. Hear Ahhh. Hear open wide. Hear squeeze my hand. No. Harder than that. Now the hardest you can. Both at once. Now right then left. Don’t wig I say to myself. You’ll soon know full well. Wipe the kitchen over. This j-cloth. This scouring pad.

Above I hear her turning. Hit her headboard with her prayers. Why don’t you shut up? No now. You’re here to care I say. I say so don’t complain. You’re clean here. You’re calm and kind. I hear. Her shuffle. Her move. Across the floor. Are you down there? she shouts Did you get the door? Yes. Did the doctor come in he? Yes he’s with now. Put that kettle on. I’m coming down now to see him. He’s. I’ll talk to him when he’s done Yes Mammy. Don’t. He’ll not I’d say be in there long.

She comes. All neat. All tidy down. All in state with her slippers. Make up the tea that’s a good girl. And he’ll want a biscuit. Yes. Sure I’d be lost without you she says and without the power of. Please don’t. Prayer. Amen Mammy. I’ll do that. Swallow my tongue. Amen again.

Sit down now til I talk to you he said. Eating biscuits. You might know what I’m going to say. A fine cup that. What? His room can’t be upstairs. Up. What? It’s a hazard. Crumbs everywhere. It’s really time. I. If he stumbled if he fell. In the night he could. That’d be very. Bad so you’d want to move him down. But there’s. The power’s much weaker in that side now. Spraying bits of chocolate chip. Like if he knocked his head. I. Please. Think what I’ll do. I’ll do everything I can I say. You understand. Yes I see I see. She turns. Do you Madam? What? Remember I’m the mother here. Sor. What I. I see doctor I see very well. I’ll do all I can to make my son feel. Well. Comfortable. Safe. Down here. You’re a credit he says slurp it up. No better one. Thanks be to Jesus. He gives me his strength. Only he helps me endure all this. Oh. And your daughter there of course. Ah I trained her well. So I see, so that’s it then. He says. Settled. Call if. Thanks. Get the door you. Bye then doctor. I do.

I’ve a froth the mouth. In my head. What’s all that? With her sniping? Now. Suddenly. She’s all here mother. She. With scalding prayers. Forgotten her old lash phone calls. Am I not here? I. Give me a good punch on my face. Stop. It’s fine now. It’s fine now isn’t that why you’re came? To pick up. Bits and pieces. Let her do her thing. Name of the father but shhh. Lead us not into temptation. That’s right. All very well. I. So I won’t utter a single. No. I will. Do this. I will do this for you because. I can.

Well I’ll leave that to you she says. Isn’t that why you’re here. I am. Spitting. What was that but? Don’t you forget I’m the mother here. I. Didn’t. You’re not the only one. With this. You don’t know what it’s like for me to see my son and cannot do a single thing. Yes Mammy. It’s hard I know.

So. I go. Getting some paint. Curtains. Curtain rails. Carrying in the wind and rain up the road. I am making. No. Say you don’t want to. Don’t worry I’ll make it all as lovely as your room. Won’t it be more easy and without those stairs? Think of that. See. No you say. You have to. Sorry. No. I’ll make it. Nice. No. Sorry but. You do.

I do. That day and that night. Sticking paper. Stewing paste. Paint yellow and white for the. For you. Good for sleep I. She. You missed a bit you missed a bit. Just there look. Over there. I go on. With all my might. Paint. She’s not around. Like she is not here.

Where’s the lights? Turn the lights on. Now how’s that for a room? She is non. She is unimpressed by me by my. Room I’ve made. But there’s an air bubble shouldn’t have let that in there’s crumple up the paper. I. Took me all night Mammy. All night. Alright. I’m not saying. You are. Don’t be uptight. Your brother doesn’t need that in the air. I. You. Look. Leave me alone. She says don’t think you can come here with your tantrums. And it’s not like you’ve done a lot. What? For us. In the past. When I? Oh I see what you’re at Madam. I see you well, think you’ll make up with him. On the death bed. I know you she says very well you selfish stupid lazy girl. Never bothered here and now. Don’t. I’m not impressed. You conniving jealous. Shut your mouth you. Fucking. I’m just trying. My. Best. Well aren’t you lucky we’ll have you. You. Just keep to yourself. He needs his mother now not you.

Get out there burn my tonsils burn my eyes. Spit the fuck the. Doorbell rings. Her jangle praying swaying crowd’s arrived. Answer that get that you she says. Holy Jesus. I swing. Shout get in there and see your friend and say your Jesus fucking prayers. Go on. I’m. Getting out of here. She. You Miss listen don’t you. Listen to me. No. I’m. I’m. Have your lunatics. Anoint their Jesus crying eyes. Their mouths slapping tongues. Their sing praise alleluias. So levitate on the tiles. They sweep all Christ-like in. Fat coven descended to your bed. Your nervous face. Disguise. I can’t disguise. Some ancient thing that catch me make me panic gag. Them. Doing it before my eyes. No. Announce yourself and hear oh Lord. Between us chattels us vessels of shame and you, blue conscious with outstretched hands will be loaded up with all their sins. And to the wilds they’ll send you filled with that. I’m bad to my mother and I’ll never have luck. Fuck. Fuck that, this, all everything. It creeps and crawls and. What? They’ll grasp their hands and pray. Forgiveness. Absolution for you. I don’t. I think. She bow her head. Murmur holy spirit. She pray and whatsit she thinks she sees? Her son has failed her. Have put upon her these things. For she for her life shouldn’t be this. I see her. I see. See. I’d like. I’ll. Sit down, for God wants all our prayers. Hear that Madam? What you need. No I’m. Make a run for it. This time. Up up and away. There’s a foul there’s a wind where’s the air. Catch me. Face. I’m going down the footpath and running from the door. Slamming. Fuck you. Where the rain is.

Narrow. I’m running. Between the trees. And the woodlands here and something primrose on the hill. It’s the spring what’s wrong here is me me me. Me the thing but I. Think I know. Is that the reason for what’s happened? Me? The thing. Wrong. Strangling it is. Me. I have a juicy puke down like tsunami from my head. In the blackthorn in the hazel over there over there. Came out up all over. Carrots and peas. I paint what. Did I do? What a thing in my insides. Just sit still I say.

So afterwards pick out of my hair glue strands phlegm bit insides no better than. I shake. Feel that dizzy. Sit but alone. With my vomit. Behind eyes blunt. What I’d be. Demure. If I could. With handkerchief blot ducts not glands race pump tears out and snot and fear like garlic through the skin. Out my mouth like a mad thing raving clawing out my eyes. This wrong doubtful body should not have been mine. Mine was. Not this. Was perfect. Once. Drag the. I will and sit and drown and drown if the. Come water. Over land. Swallow up. Swallow me down. Drag me in the gullys. In the pipes please and the drains.

I called your aunt. Your uncle and aunt. Asked them to come. No. I want. Somebody here. You. Do. Of my own. I’m. And they said? He said. He? They’d come. Next week. How long? What? How. Long. I. He didn’t say I just want my family with me. I am. You are my. Daughter much good that’s showing to be now. Well thank you. Your aunt. My uncle will. Just keep clear she says. You I say, of me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You and your holy joes. What they must think she says I don’t know. I don’t care. The future in future. Keep yourself to yourself when they’re here. Nobody wants to hear your cheek. Nobody cares. For that thanks for that I say. Peel the skin off why don’t you, rip it from my bone.

How are you? You not much open your eyes. Tired I’m sleepy. I know. Have to I get up. Have to go to work but my eyes. You know it’s grand, they won’t expect you in yet. You’re here, play star wars here I’ll get the tub you say. The men. I’m Chewy I am Luke. You’re. Maybe later, I don’t think, not now. But I want. I. Wanted to. Do that. I. Want to get up. I. Alright. Lean on my. On my arm. Pull the bed sheets. Bed sheets back. Swing. There’s the ground. Fine you’re. Lean on me. But I have to. There. Come on. Come on. You weigh. The weight you weigh on me bricks and stone. But. If I let you down. If I let go. You’d fall. You’ll fall. No I won’t. You will but sure, I’m here.

You and me sit. Swing our feet. Watching TV. Watching films I bought. Here. Some sweets. Some penny sweets and toffee chews you like them I like them too. Don’t slobber. Don’t drop them on the floor. What’s that? Feet up. Hold your feet up. Your feet cold. Touch. Look you’ve an in-grown toenail there. Where? I’ll cut your toenails. You what, you say. You’re an eejit, cut it badly when you did it yourself last. I get my clippers. Get a piece of kitchen roll and snip snip. You hurt me. You say. Hurt me there. Point down to the foot I see. Little blood swell on the top. Jut. Blob the very edge. I. Sorry. Kiss it better. There now there. Amends. I push toilet tissue under the nail. What. Raise it. Just up enough. Thhh stings a load. I know I know but that’ll make it better soon. I’m better soon. Be better soon. I know I know you will. Shh now. Everything. Now that’s enough. But hungry I’m so hungry. What’ll I make you? Beans on toast you say. Hey fruit of the musical ha ha musical fruit good for your heart the more you eat the more you. Ahh ‘sgusting ‘sgusting boy. The musical fart the musical fart. You never used to. Don’t tell on me. Won’t. Don’t don’t. Don’t be sssscared. Fooled you. Made you look made you stare made the barber cut your hair. I look you look. I look at you. Good to see the smile of you. He cut it long he cut it short he cut it with a knife and fork. Didn’t know you liked hair so much I do. Beans on toast. I’ll. Ha now that’s enough. That’s enough now. Just sit there I’ll bring them in.