30 Days (16 page)

Your smile is the only thing that matter
s
.

Colin’s convinced that my letter to Jenny is the way to go. That it’s touching and hopeful and some stranger will smile reading it. Colin’s is simple but moving. If a stranger got that I truly believe they would think it was a wonderful message. I like the simplicity of it so we roll the two pages up and grab the two empty wine bottles I’ve been saving. We

stuff the rolled papers into our bottles before re-corking them and walking over the dune to the beach.

“This is it.”

“Ready?” He asks.

“Go!” I shout excitedly. Gripping the neck of the bottle I hurl it as far as possible into the ocean. I laugh when Colin’s goes much further out than mine. We stand next to each other hand in hand watching the bottles bob and float away with the tide. When the bottles drift out of sight he tugs on my hand gently.

“Ready?”

“For what?”

“Training. You haven't been in days.”

“Let’s go.” I pout. He bends at the waist and kisses the pout right off my face. “We should call Jenna and see if she wants to train with me...Ben would be happy.” I suggest as we make our way up the deck stairs and into the cottage.

“Ben and Jenna don't need our help. They are completely caught up in their own whirlwind right now.”

“They are?!”

“Haven’t you talked to Jenna?” He looks confused.

“Not since skinny dipping. I texted her but didn’t get a reply.”

“Well, Ben didn't get lucky
that
night, but he did the next.” Colin laughs.

“Shut UP!” I squeal at him.

“Why do girls say that?”

“Whatever. I’m calling her as soon as we’re done at the gym.”

Three hours later after a brutal fight between me and the hanging bag and a sparring round with John I’m finally able to beat Ben into submission over what happened the
other night. When we leave the gym I’m so excited for Jenna that I can't contain it anymore and call her immediately.

“How could you not tell me?!” I practically scream into the phone when she picks up.

“Hi Elle. I’m great thanks for asking.” She laughs.

“I’m sure you are, now...details!”

“I’m still at work. How ‘bout we meet up for dinner and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Time and place.”

“Blitz at seven.”

“I’ll be there!” I squeal before hanging up.

“You know, you’re awfully adorable when you’re excited.” Colin chortles.

“I am?”

“Yup. Now, let’s go home and enjoy some afternoon delight before dinner.” He waggles his brows at me.

“You got it big boy!” I blurt before bursting out laughing.

2012

July

Month six is slowly passing and showing no signs of speeding up. Dr. Rand says that in another two months he will talk to Ryan about releasing me again. I have no hope that I will be out of here in two months. Ryan has stopped visiting all together. When I ask the good doctor what he thinks about that, he evades the question, instead asking me how
I
feel about it. I beg my sister every night for a sign. My list with Dr. Rand has grown to thirty things. It seems like a waste now to continue on with it since I don't foresee getting to tackle any of them in the real world.

“Hi honey, why the frown?” Manny asks. Must be nine already.

“Just thinking.” I say.

“Buck up buttercup.”

“Did you win last night?”

“As a matter of fact I did.” He smiles.

“Good for you Manny.” He sets the tray down, hands me my pills, we cheers our cups and I swallow down my salvation. The sleeping pill is the only reason I sleep lately.

“Night ElleBell.” He waves.

“Night.” He shuts the door behind him when it hits me. Escape. All I have to do is escape.

For the next six nights I place my pills under my tongue, swallow my water and when Manny leaves I take the sleeping pills and stash them in my pillowcase, careful to relocate them on laundry day. On the third day I nicely ask Dr. Rand for a copy of the list that we’ve made thus far. After assuring him and Rachel that I won't off myself with paper cuts they let me keep the photocopied piece of paper taped to my wall. On the fourth day I manage to sneak a plastic bag from the trashcan at the nurses’ station into my room. After Manny leaves the sixth night I take all the pills from the pillowcase, put them into the plastic baggy and crush them into a fine white powder using one of my crutches that I no longer need.

It’s Friday, the seventh day. I’m sitting on my bed as always when Manny enters carrying the tray of cups and pills. When he reaches the side of the bed he sets the tray on the sliding table between us, pulls the pills and our two white cups of water off the tray and sets them aside.

“Hey buttercup. How’s things?” He asks. I feel like shit for what I’m about to do. I really like Manny.

“Things are status quo.” I tell him. He smiles at me, picks up my pills and reaches out to hand them to me.

“Ahh. I think there’s a mistake.” I never complain so he stops short. “Dr. Rand and I are working on my sleep cycle and were going to try a week with no sleeping pills. I think I’m supposed to be on multivitamin only tonight.” I say trying to keep my eyes from darting all over the room.

“Huh? I didn't see anything about that.” He says.

“Would you mind checking? Please? If I don't comply with the good doctor I end up in here longer.” I plead.

“Sure thing sugar.” He smiles, picks up the tray, leaving our two waters and my pills sitting on the table and walks out of the room. I quickly tag the plastic baggy from under my pillow and empty the contents into the water cup that he will use. I swish my finger around in it to try and make it dissolve faster. I yank my finger out and try to dry quickly on the leg of my pajama pants. The knob clicks and Manny walks in.

“Sorry Elle, he must have forgotten to make a note. You’ll have to take it tonight. I’ll write a note in your chart telling Dr. Rand so you don't get in trouble.” He smiles at me.

“Ok. Thanks Manny. So, did you win last night?” I ask putting the pills in my mouth.

“You know it!” He excites. We pick up our cups, cheers them and with smiles on our faces drink our water shots.

“Night sugar.” We wave goodbye and he leaves. I dart to the bathroom and spit the pills into the toilet before peeing and flushing. Now for the hard part; waiting.

I wait an hour. I pace around my room frantically trying to figure out how exactly to explain all this when the time comes. My heart feels like it might explode out of my chest. At ten pm I crack my door and peer over to the
nurses’ station. Manny’s head is on the desk, his body slumped over. The rise and fall of his ribs slow and steady. Sleeping.

The list!
I can't forget the list.
I rip it from the wall fold it up and stuff it in my sports bra. My heart is beating wildly in my chest. I feel frantic and I’m starting to sweat. I pull on my hoodie sans hood strings of course, slip my feet into my lace less Keds and make my way to Manny’s sleeping form.

It’s eerily quiet in the corridor right now. Just the faint hum of the ice machine and various beeps and buzzes from patients rooms. I quietly sneak around the nurses’ station desk and crouch down to Manny.
I’m so sorry. I really do like you. Please forgive me.
I tug his wallet out of his back pocket and remove all the cash. A hundred dollars will be plenty to tide me over until the morning. I stuff the cash in my sports bra. I unclip Manny’s employee badge from the front of his shirt, toss the wallet on the desk next to his head and quickly walk down the hall.

Every noise, every beep, every voice makes me panic and stop moving. I press myself into the wall until I’m sure it’s nothing.
This is crazy Elle. What are you doing?
I silently scold myself. When I’m sure the coast is clear I walk to the main doors of our floor and hold Manny’s badge up to the magnetic reader. A slight click alerts me that all I have to do is push the door in front of me and I’m as good as free. My hand shakes as I raise it up to the door. It feels heavy and like someone else’s arm. With my palm on the door I lean into my arm slightly until it opens just enough for me to slip through.

I try to walk as inconspicuously as possible to the elevators and punch the down button. There is no one in the hallways except a few passing laundry aids who pay me no mind. The fact that I’m wearing scrubs, a hoodie and white sneakers is probably my only saving grace. I blend in pretty well. The elevator dings and the doors open. I put one foot in front of the other until I’m safely inside before hitting the lobby button. My skin feels like it’s on fire. My breath is quick and shallow and my heart is beating so fiercely in my rib cage that I’m afraid it might crack bone.

The elevator dings and the doors slide open. I step out of the metal box turn left and keeping my head down head for the glass front doors. The fifty foot walk seems to take forever. There is a woman sitting behind the information desk who’s watching me. I tilt my head up and smile at her. She smiles back. The revolving doors close around me as I step into their spin and then I’m out.

It’s the end of July or the first week of August. I’m not sure which. It’s muggy and damp and hot out. The humidity assaults my lungs when I try to inhale. It’s definitely too hot for a sweatshirt but I only have a sports bra on underneath it. I keep walking further and further away from the hospital until I’m sure that if someone looked out a window they wouldn't see me. I walk into the nearest convenience store to buy a pack of gum and a bottle of water. The air conditioning in the store feels heavenly. I’m dripping with sweat from my walk here and nerves.

I did it. A wave of relief washes over me leaving me temporarily giddy. When I exit the store I notice a few taxi’s parked waiting across the street. I make my way over to them. “Could you take me to a cheap hotel?” I ask through the open window to the cabby.

“How cheap?”

“Dirt cheap.” I reply. He nods his head at me and I open the back door and climb in. He drives four blocks before pulling up in front of a dilapidated brick building. “They rent by the hour.” He informs me. I didn't mean this cheap but honestly it will do. I hand him a ten dollar bill and get out of the car. When I finally check in, paying for one night, I’m left with fifty two dollars and change. The cab ride to my house from here will be at least thirty dollars. I lay down on top of the blankets full clothed and stare at the chipping ceiling.
Jenny, we did it. I’m out. Almost free. Stay with me.
  An hour later I fall asleep.

I wake with a start. I’m groggy and can't remember where I am. It’s disorienting. When my brain catches up with me I let out a squeal of joy. This is the dirty, cheap hotel. I am
not
in my sterile white room at St. Francis.
I escaped.

2012

August

At eight I check out and flag down a cab. “303 Westerly Rd.” I tell him. The drive takes us twenty minutes outside the city. The closer we get the more my palms sweat. He better be at work. I keep having hot flashes and my stomach rolls with each mile closer we get. When we finally pull up onto my street I’m a ball of nerves and anxiety ridden.
What if he’s home, then what?
As we pass my house relief washes over me. His car isn't there. I instruct the cab driver to pull over two houses down and to wait for me to come back. I pull the door handle and swing the door open. Mrs. Potter is watering the flowers in her front yard. I give a wave and walk down the sidewalk to my house.

I don't bother trying the door. It will be locked. I grew up in this house though and know all the easy ways to get around a locked door. I pull the screen from the casement window and pull the edge of the window until I can reach my arm in far enough to crank it open the rest of the way. After I slip inside the guest room I stand by the door and wait. It’s dusty and clean in here because we never have guests.
If I do this, really do this, everything changes forever.
I turn the knob and step into the hall. My legs are shaking badly and it takes all my effort to suck breaths in and out of my lungs.

Upstairs I change into a summer dress and ditch the Keds in the back of the closet as I grab a pair of sandals. I throw a handfuls of summer clothes, shoes and other necessities into my suitcase.  There’s a bra that doesn’t belong to me on the floor next to the bed. The sight of it makes my stomach roll but I push on. When I feel I’ve got everything I’ll need for the time being I zip it shut and carry it to the desk downstairs. Setting the suitcase to the side I start to dig through the side drawer of my desk. When I locate my passport and checkbook I toss them into the front pocket of my bag.