30 Days (14 page)

***

I watch her as she talks to a woman in the lobby. She looks distressed and uneasy. Her hands keep running through her hair and her mouth forms a perfect pout. I was angry as hell this morning when she didn’t show at the gym but I can't say I didn't expect that. I thought about calling to make sure she was safe a thousand times today but if she wanted space and distance I’d try like hell to give it to her.

The note killed me. When I read it I wanted to call her right then and tell her of course I don't hate her. I wanted to tell her more than that but I’m going to have to wait for her to get there. Ben’s sitting at the bar with me so I don’t do anything stupid, like go to her. I want this to be on her. I want her to want this, to want me. I need to stop trying to convince her.

“Dude. Chill.
Your knee is going to take the bar top off.”

“Sorry. I just want this to be over with already.”

“You’re such a woman.” He teases. “Who’s the hottie with her?”

“I have no idea.” We watch as Elle casually walks up to the empty piano and discreetly
slides on to the bench. Her friend edges towards us stopping at the entrance to the bar looking around. Quietly music pours from the piano. I recognize the tune she's playing.
Sonata No. 14 in C-sharp minor’s haunting sound resonates through the lobby and into the bar. I leave my stool, stopping when I arrive next to her friend. Elle’s fingers move gracefully across the keys, I had no idea she could actually play too.
That little shit.

Hotel staff members are filing into the lobby from god knows where with questioning looks. It’s a surreal experience as security is called and heads towards her all the while Moonlight Sonata providing a soundtrack of sorts. When they reach her she looks up and immediately stops playing. One of the security guards leans into her and quietly says something to which she nods her head and begins to stand. She glances to her friend as she follows the guard towards the front doors but when she sees me she stops dead in her tracks. Her friends head whips around to me and a giant smile covers her face.

“I knew it.” She says under her breath. The guard lightly tags Elle’s arm making her flinch, but she continues to follow him. I wave Ben over to me and Elle’s mystery friend.

“Who are you?” I ask.

“Jenna.”

“Jenna, this is Ben. Make nice. I have to go get her.” I turn and jog out to the sidewalk to find her.

“Are you mad?” She breathes from behind me. I spin around to face her.

“What do you think?”  The words come out rough and abraded.

“That you’re going to save me.” She says quietly.

I had an entire speech planned. I was so pissed I wanted to say so much but her words hit me with such force that everything's forgotten. She looks up to me under thick black lashes biting her luscious bottom lip and I’m a goner. I reach out yanking her to me, the sigh she releases into my chest as her arms come around my waist tell me everything I need to know. Everything just changed. She won't hold back anymore. I squeeze her tighter still and kiss the top of her head.

“Dammit Elle, never do that to me again.”

“Noted.” She quips. “Oh! Jenna!”

“I left her with Ben.”

“Oh. I can't go back in...”
She smiles sheepishly, “ so you’ll have to go get them.”

“Done. Don't go anywhere.” I smile at her before pushing back through the lobby doors to retrieve our friends.

DAY 13 (
technically)

“I still can’t believe they banned you....kick you out sure but banned?!” Jenna squeaks.

“Yeah and why didn't you tell Colin you have hot friends?” Ben chuckles while gawking at Jenna.

“We didn't realize we were friends until today, that’s why.” Jenna quips. She’s a real firecracker and I can’t wait to hang out more. “So what’s next on the list Elle?”

“Ah, tomorrow I’m supposed to skinny dip in a pool after hours.”

“What?!” Jenna screams causing Colin and I to burst out laughing. We can see the wheels turning in Ben’s head as he processes what I’ve said.

“We’re so in!” He says more to Jenna than anyone else.

“It will be tomorrow in about twenty minutes.” Colin adds.

“You can't be serious.” I say flatly.

“Why not? It will be more fun with all of us.”

“I’m not getting naked for strangers.” Jenna chimes in.

“Once you see my torso you’ll change your mind.” Ben cracks with a wide grin leaving us all staring wide-eyed at his overwhelming self-confidence. “What? It’s true.”
He shrugs.

How the hell did I end up here? Jenny, when everyone strips- check out the guys! A little slice of heaven right here on Earth. Seriously though, why did we think skinny dipping was a good idea?
After a hefty amount of coaxing from Ben and Colin, Jenna and I actually agreed to skinny dipping. It’s well after one am and I can barely keep my eyes open, but Ben insisted we drive twenty minutes out of town to a rinky-dink roadside motel and use their pool.

“This is stupid.” I grumble crossing my arms over my chest.

“It will be fun.” Colin rubs his hand on my back. “Now strip.” I look over to him in mock horror at his callousness but can't stop the giggle that bubbles up.

“Ok Elle, I’m only doing this if you do. On the count of three?” Jenna suggests and sucks in a huge breath. My hands come to the hem of my shirt as I start the countdown. “One, two......THREE!” I whip the shirt over my head and shimmy out of my skirt at the speed of light before moving to my bra and underwear. Jenna and I enter the water, loudly, practically at the same time. My head pops up scanning the deck for the guys.

“Where are they?” Jenna asks.

“It’s too dark, I can't see anything. This water is freezing.” I say through chattering teeth.

A large splash sends water cascading over our heads as Colin and Ben cannonball us in a surprise attack.

“Shhh Jenna! I didn’t even get to see you naked yet! If you keep squealing like that you’ll wake everyone here.” Ben chastises her. Colin ducks under water and swims between my legs, bucking his back as he passes through and sending me up and above water to my belly. Ben squawks with delight at my expense before I’m able to submerge myself neck deep.

“Colin!”

“Yeah?” His wet hair dripping and boyish grin make it hard to be irritated.

“Do you want Ben to have
firsthand knowledge of my boobs?!” He actually looks pained for a moment before answering. “Nope. Wasn't really thinking.” To which I can't help but chuckle. Jenna and Ben are treading circles around each other looking like two lost puppies. Colin snags my waist, pulling me to him. My legs wrap around his waist and our wet bodies mold together. His hazel eyes pierce mine momentarily before I’m given the best kiss in history. Colin’s kiss is like air, and I can’t seem to get enough of it but before it can go any further he pulls away. “You’re shivering.” His arms move as rapidly as the water allows up and down my back trying to warm me.

“It’s ok.”

“What’re you doing?!” A man booms from the gate at the pool. “Pools closed!”

The four of us burst out laughing and scramble to the edge of the pool. Jenna and I skip the underwear and try as best we can to tug on dry clothes over wet bodies while Ben and Colin quickly hoist their pants up, tag their shirts and usher us to the car while yelling apologies to the man over their shoulders. By the time we’re seated in the car we’re all rolling with laughter.

“I haven't done anything like that in
years
!” Jenna laughs.

“Wanna come back to my place?” Ben asks her.

“You’re impossible.” She shakes her head.

“Is that a yes?”

“No.”

“So yeah then?”

“No!” Jenna and I both squawk at him together. He pouts but then leans into Jenna and whispers something in her ear making her giggle. I wonder if she
will
end up back at his place. Colin reaches over lacing his fingers through mine. “Will
you
come back to my place?”  His face is still glistening with pool water and that stupid dimple pops out making his face just that much more handsome.

“Yes.” I say softly and give his hand a squeeze.

2012

March

My second month I finally ask Rachel if I can call Ryan. He’s the only authorized visitor I’m allowed. When I finally get through to him, the conversation is awkward rushed. When he finally shows two days later after dinner I’m fuming with negligence.

“Elle.” He quietly greets me.

“Ryan. Why don't you sit.” I clip. He sits in the chair furthest from me unable to make eye contact.

“So, how are you?”

“I’ve felt better.” Sarcasm drips from my voice.

“Well, maybe next time you won't run your car into a tree.” He sneers. The audacity of this man never fails to amaze me.

“Look, I don't want to fight.” I tell him. His gaze hits the floor as he searches for something to say.

“Elle, I need you. I
want
you to come home still.”

I swallow the bile rising in my throat and say, “I want that too.” He looks surprised.

“I’m sorry about.... that night. I didn’t know how to get you to snap out of it and I took it too far.” I want to scream and tell him that a couple of slaps to the face is the least of the terrible things he’s done to me throughout the years but I don't, instead, “Yes. You did.” Is what falls from my mouth. “But listen we can talk about us later... I need to know that you’ve been paying the bills. Did you find the logins ok?”

“Of course I’ve been paying the bills Elle.”

“I wasn't sure. I’m the one who's always taken care of that stuff.” I try to calm him.

“I’m not a child. I can pay a few bills.” He spits.

“OK. I just wanted to make sure you found the login page in the desk drawer.” He stands from the chair and comes to the bed. When he reaches out and takes my hand I’m unsure what to do. “Listen, I have to go but I’ll come back to visit over the weekend yeah?”

“Oh.” I mumble. “Yeah,
that’s fine.”

“Should I bring you anything?”

“Could you bring my iPod and kindle, I get a little restless with just the TV all day.”

“Sure.” His voice annoyed and put out. He drops my hand and leaves. No kiss, not that I want one, no hug, nor do I want one of those. It seems though that he’s not even trying to fake it anymore. I know everything he doesn't want me to. He’s like poison working its way slowly through me and I don't think he’ll give up until he’s sure I’m done.

The next few sessions with Dr. Rand are spent digging at my marriage. I want to explain Ryan to him but I’m not sure he’s really on my side. I think maybe he’s team Ryan. He does of course, probably out of
doctoral duty, agree with me that hitting another person is absolutely wrong. Without telling him directly about the years of verbal battery, I hint at the fact that my self-worth is seriously lacking due to things Ryan has directly said or done. For instance that if Ryan had a list I wouldn't be at the top of it. I am not a priority.

Dealing with the loss of my sister proves harder for me to talk about. I let it slip that I ask her for guidance once in a while. He had a field day with that one. Why do you think you talk to your
dead
sister? Does she answer you? Ugh. I didn't tell him that sometimes I think I do hear her or at least get a sign from her. I obviously lie and tell him that of course I don't hear voices and that isn't it natural - if you don't believe in God- to look up to the ‘heavens’ and talk? I think I stumped him with that one. How is it
sane
to talk to God but not a person you actually knew?

Jenny. I miss her so much. I would never be in this situation if she was alive. I cry over her frequently still. I’ve asked to be weaned off the antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills because I’m so closely monitored here that if I can get along without them I’d prefer that. So far no one’s said that we can't try that so I’m hopeful. Mostly at night, I stare out my window and ask Jenny how the hell I get out of this mess. So far, there’s no answer.

2012

May

As month four wraps up I find that the hole in my heart is slowly starting to close up. Talking, however indirectly, to my sister helps a lot. It’s comforting to think she’s watching over me and at the very least listening to me. Daily group therapy for grief and loss has actually managed to help me a lot. Most times I sit and silently listen, it’s rare for me to speak. I take away what I can and leave the rest in cached in the recesses of my mind. Ryan has visited four times since I’ve come out of a coma. Things are extremely tense between us when he does visit.