30 Days (21 page)

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing...” I sniffle, “nothing’s wrong... that’s why I’m crying. Everything right now in this moment is right. It’s amazing. I’m not sure I remember a time ever really feeling like this.”
He pulls me to his chest and twines our legs together but says nothing. There’s nothing more to say. We stare at the stars together and watch the sky grow velvety and dark in each other’s arms until his breathing is steady and even and I know he’s fallen asleep. I roll onto my hip, slinging an arm and leg over him, put my ear to his heart and listen to his ever present heartbeat until I finally drift off.

“Elle.” Colin whispers gently.

“Mmm?”

“Wake up.” I open my eyes to the most heavenly sight. At the horizon the water sparkles deep orangey-pink before graduating shade by shade to a brilliant yellow. The sun’s reflection on the water is impressive. It sits just above the water hovering in a cone of color before meeting the blue of the sky.

“Striking isn't it.” Colin comments.

“Yes.” Seagulls call and waves rush the shore making a perfect soundtrack to the rising sun. We cuddle together in silence watching it rise for twenty minutes.

“I need to stretch.” I yawn.

“Let’s grab breakfast before we head home.”

“Perfect.” I agree leaning in to kiss his perfect lips.

Finally arriving at the cottage to change before hitting the gym Colin’s first action is crossing off three more things from the list. Watching him strikethrough the text gives me the most insane feeling of accomplishment.

Ryan

It was so easy. Her parent’s death made headlines due to the tragic nature of the accident. I knew her father’s name, hell everyone knew his name, he was one of the most successful businessmen in the area. When I attended the benefit to stop drunk driving I knew she’d’ be there. I didn't count on her being so hot though. Her long blonde hair fell in silky sheets down her back and the evening gown she had on clung to her curves in a way that made my mouth water. Her good looks only sweetened the deal.  She stood with her sister shaking hands and thanking people for their support.

I didn't even have to try that hard. Honestly, she accepted my proposal after a year of dating. Her sister, an ever present irritation, caused a lot of headache over the engagement . She begged Elle not to marry me but besides saying I had mean eyes, couldn't come up with a better reason than general distrust. If Elle was smart she would have listened to her sister.

It didn't take long to extricate her from her life, and friends. They quickly gave up on her after deciding they didn't like me. I did what was necessary to break her to gain access to her damned inheritance. She kept it so locked up that I had to do something. I need that money. I have goals, dreams and my salary just isn't going to cut it. I have debts that need paying. Debts to people who are dangerous.

I married up for a reason. The more I pushed the more pathetic she became. She grew pliant, eating from my palm, jumping when I said jump. Just as I had conditioned her, she feared me. Yet still, never allowing me access to the damned money. I couldn't put off payment to my associates any longer, they were already growing impatient with me.

I check her computer and voicemail regularly to keep tabs on what she's doing. I wasn’t shocked to find out that Jenny had convinced her to leave me. I was shocked and enraged that Elle was agreeing to it. I had stormed to Jenny’s shitty apartment a few days later and told her she could fuck off and butt out of my marriage. She wailed on about treating her sister right and abuse and what not. I stood there as long as I could tolerate and then left slamming the door in her still bitching face.

A week later I found Mitch. He advertised himself as a personal investigator but he also helps take care of other personal matters. Removing people if necessary.  The fee was steep but would be well worth it in the end.

The day Elle found out her sister died in a car accident I thought maybe she was on to me. Turns out she wasn't. Clueless and obsolete as ever my darling Elle. After weeks of her hitting an all-time pathetic low, even for her, Dr. Rand stepped into my office to talk about securing a line of credit to pay off some massive debts. Just like that my world came together effortlessly.

All I needed was three more months before I’d be able to gain access to all her assets and investments. Not only that but essentially with Elle permanently institutionalized I was a free man. It is so incredibly easy to use your wife’s mental illness to pick up a quick lay. 

When the call from the hospital came, interrupting me from a nice little piece of ass, I almost ignored the call.

“What the fuck do you mean she’s gone?!” I had screamed into the phone.

“Sir, we’re doing everything we can to figure out what happened.” I had hung up on the voice at the other end and promptly kicked the slut out of my bed. At two am there wasn’t much I could do outside of call Mick- again.

PRESENT

DAY 22

“You really slept on the beach?”

“Yeah.” My voice is breathy

“That’s stupidly romantic.” She sighs dreamily.

“Yeah.”

“Girls! MOVE! Elle practice those right hooks. Jenna, light on your feet, dodge!” Colin booms at us. Jenna and I smirk at each other and resume sparring.  We continue on for ten more minutes before Colin’s patience for us flees the scene completely. He sends Jenna off with Ben to continue training and pulls me aside.

“Elle. I’m going to throw you in the ring with someone.”

“Uh. Who?” I ask.

“A stranger. I want you to focus on what you’ve learned.” I’m a little
leery of what Colin’s suggesting.

“Why?”

“Just get in the ring.” He commands. He’s in trainer mode not boyfriend mode so I obey. A large man enters the ring. He’s wide, fleshy, solid and completely intimidating. On top of his stature he doesn't
look
like a nice person, his eyes are hard and currently trained on me.

“Start.” Colin clips.

The man glances at Colin quickly before stalking towards me.  I dart right and try to throw an uppercut but he dodges it easily. “Worthless.” He grinds. I stop moving unsure I heard him right. He takes the opportunity to jab my shoulder sending me flying. When I’m stable on my feet again I swing again barely clipping his torso. “Pathetic.” He sneers. I blink rapidly trying to understand what’s happening. He throws a left hook that knocks me to the floor. “Can't you do anything right?” He snarls. I scramble back as he approaches me trying to breathe. I hop to my feet and swing wildly trying to make contact. “How stupid do you think I am girl?” Tears start building and my vision blurs. “Go on, take a swing, we both know you’ll fail.” I stand frozen and he raises his gloved fist and punches me in the ribs. The words spewing from his mouth send me careening back to a life I don't live anymore. Panic passes through me but then Colin’s voice rings out. “Fight back.” Panic transitions into rage. Not at this man in front of my but at Ryan and at myself for putting up with him. I lunge and land a jab to his kidney before shifting my weight and launching an uppercut that connects with his jaw sending him a step backwards. I continue the well-practiced combinations that I’ve been slaving over and connect with each attempt I make. Giant scary man bears the brunt of my rage but it’s only moments before he begins to fight again. Two quick jabs to the face and I’m on my ass again panting, tears streaming down my face.

“Enough. Thanks Chip.” Colin shouts. I lift my head up eyeing the big man “Chip?” I question. How does a menacing man like that have a name like Chip? He nods at me and exits the ring leaving me a heaving pile of emotions on the floor.

“You alright?” Colin’s handsome face appears above mine.

“You’re an asshole.” I huff.

“You needed to know how to fight through it.”

“Still an asshole.” I clip.

“You’re really mad aren't you?” He pushes. I shove up and stalk past him to the locker room. “Elle!” He shouts after me but I don't bother stopping. I shower, change and drag Jenna out the door without a word to Colin.

“What was
that
all about?” Jenna asks wide eyed.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Okaaay. Well, what do you want to do then?”

“Read a book out loud.” I answer curtly.

“List?” She asks hesitantly. I let out a sigh trying to put a nicer tone to my voice.  She didn't do anything wrong, I’m not upset with her.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I know just the place for that! Let’s see if the library will let you read at the kids reading hour today.” I look over to my friend and genuinely smile. She never pushes, and she always cheers me up.

“Alright. Thanks Jenna.” She links her arm through mine and leads the way.

The Searsport library is quaint. The old brick structure screams history. When you walk up the granite steps and open the door it’s cozy and inviting. Jenna talks to the librarian briefly before coming back to me.

“All set. Reading hour is in thirty minutes so she suggested you look through the stack of books picked out and choose three to read.”

“Thanks Jenna.”

“Hey, everyone fights and everyone makes up.” She says pointedly. I nod my understanding as we make our way to the children’s room. I used to think that by now I’d have at least one little one of my own but Ryan’s behavior had quickly changed my mind about ever wanting to procreate with him. How could I justify bringing a child into a home full of hatefulness. It had hit me hard, realizing that I didn’t want him to father my children, but as always I conceded to the fact and took the necessary precautions. Jenna takes a seat near the back while I thumb through the stack of books. 
Parents with their children begin to file in as I pick a third book and make myself comfortable.  As the room fills in I watch as parents gush over their kids. Loving them is easy. I’d given anything to be a kid again. Life was simple and easy. The world was innocent and no matter how many times you failed at something as a child the ability to pick yourself back up and have another go comes naturally. I’d give anything to have that back. After a quick introduction the kids settle into silence and I begin to read. They make the cutest little noises, little ooo’s and aahh's, and for forty minutes are completely entranced in the stories I read. It’s calming reading out loud to children. They’re so happy and involved in simply listening to your voice. When our time is up three of the children race up to me, grinning foolishly and give me big hugs. 

My anger at Colin has dissipated remotely and I’m not fuming anymore.

“You have a great reading voice.”  Jenna compliments as we exit the library.

“I really enjoyed that actually. The kids were adorable.”

“I’m going to miss you when you leave.” She commiserates changing the subject. I turn to face her.

“Maybe I won't leave then. I like it here.”

“What about your job?” She questions.

“I can always try to find one here right?”

“Would you?”

“I’ve given it some thought, yeah.” I inform her. She squeals in delight and gives me a fierce hug.

“That would be awesome! I can’t imagine going back to life before you.” She gushes.

“I love you Jenna.”

By the time I arrive back at the cottage Colin is there waiting for me. Before I enter I watch him through the window pacing back and forth dragging a hand repeatedly through his hair then pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Hi.”

“Elle. I’m sorry...” He immediately starts.

“Sh. I need to talk.” I cut him off. “I understand what you were trying to do, I really do. I guess what you don’t understand is what it was like living in the kind of relationship I was in with Ryan. I never knew what would set him off. I was never good enough. My days were mostly spent filled with fear of what might happen. When someone tells you they hate you repeatedly for years on end it... it changes you. I’m here because I didn't ever want to relive that and you threw it in my face and that hurts. You made me feel unsafe Colin. I trusted you. Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with someone like that? To sleep next to him night after night? To have to give myself to him?” My voice trembles as I finish. Colin looks terrified. I can tell he’s been beating himself up over this all day and it makes me feel bad. I shouldn't care, I should worry about me, but I can't help it. The agony in his eyes is breaking my heart.

“Elle, I should have never put you through that. I’m so sorry. I didn't think it through. I was more worried about getting you to break through that wall of fear you hide behind than about what it might do to you.” The anguish in his voice is almost unbearable to hear. “Please say you forgive me.” I wrap my arms around myself and watch his face twist in sorrow over his actions today. Ryan never had that look. Then again, I’m beginning to think Ryan never actually cared for me at all.