30 Days (11 page)

“Thank you two so much, you were a great help today.” Tommy gushes as he walks us to Colin’s car.

“Could we come back again sometime? I really enjoyed today.”

“Elle, you can come back anytime you want. Give me a ring anytime.” He smiles warmly at me. I follow Colin’s lead folding into the car and waving my goodbye as we pull out of the parking lot.

“I had so much fun. Who knew!?” Colin’s velvet smooth laugh fills the car.

“Thank you.” I say.

“For what?”

“For being you. For doing these things with me. For wanting to do these things with me.”

He stops at the intersection and looks to me. “I think you’d find, I’d do anything for you.” His gaze is smoldering. “Let’s go home. Want to order out tonight?” And that’s when I know that home is together. That he’s just as satisfied with me as I am with him. Warmth seeps through my chest and my heart swells at the thought. The light turns green and we continue on towards my cottage, fingers tangled together and woozy with the full feeling in my heart.

2011

I stop and look in the mirror in the waiting room. I hardly recognize myself. My hair is lifeless and dull. My eyes have dark circles around them and there’s no light in them anymore. They look dead. My clothes hang off me. I must have lost a lot of weight, not that I had a lot to lose to begin with at five foot five and a hundred thirty pounds. I look old, frail and weathered now.

“Tell me something about yourself Elle.” Dr. Rand prods.

“Like what?”

“Well, since you don't want to talk about your sister maybe we should start with you.”

“I like to read.”

“Oh? Fiction? Non-Fiction?” He pushes.

“Fiction mostly... romance novels.”

“Ahh. I see.”

“What do you see?” I ask.

“Do you read to escape?”

I shrug my shoulders. “My marriage isn’t the greatest.” I state.

“Explain that statement further.”

“Ryan treats me like shit. Is that clear enough?” I clip.

“Elle I’m here to listen not judge.”

“Well he does. Jenny was trying to help me leave him. He’s... “ I trail off unsure of how to approach this. Ryan found Dr. Rand and meets with him monthly to check on my
progress.
I think it’s strange.

“You’re leaving your husband?” He questions scribbling notes on his pad.

“No. I wanted to. I
want
to. But, with Jenny gone.... I don't know. I don't know how.”

“Have you talked to Ryan about this? Tried counseling?”

“Ryan believes counseling is for pussies. So he says. I’ve tried changing. I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried getting him to talk. I’ve tried taking all the blame. I’ve tried giving all the blame. I’ve tried anger and arguing
and
doing whatever I can to make him happy. None of it affects him. None of it changes anything.”

“Interesting.” He mumbles. The scratching of his pencil on the paper in his lap grates on my nerves and makes my anxiety spike.

“You can't tell him any of this, correct?” My knee bounces nervously.

“Right.”

“So, at your
progress
meetings how do you inform him of any updates on me?” I ask.

“Elle, your husband loves you. He is worried about your state of mind since Jenny’s death and he simply asks that I keep him in the loop regarding your mental health.”

“That’s not an answer.” The bell chimes letting us know that our time is up. I’m irritated that Dr. Rand ignores my last statement and sends me on my way. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It makes me not trust him. What is the point of therapy if you don't trust your therapist?

As always, I go home and crawl into bed.
Jenny, what the hell am I doing? How do I get out of this?
I need you. I miss you.
I don't want to be a wreck. I don't want to be sad. I want to leave my awful marriage and start a new happy life alone. I wanted to do it with my sister at my side but that option has been taken from me.  Yet still, she’d want me to get the hell out of dodge even if she wasn't with me.

When my parents passed away they left me their house and  money. A nice big house in a nice part of town. I grew up in this house. I loved this house until Ryan moved in. Now I hate this house. I hate all the hate that lives in the house. Ryan will never divorce or leave me. It would leave him dependent on his salary alone and homeless. His salary should be enough but he blows through it at an alarming rate. He needs my money to sustain his lifestyle. He thinks I don't know this, but I’m not stupid.

With Jenny gone, I’ve inherited not only my half of our parents estate but hers too plus her estate. I don't need to work. I keep it all very separate from Ryan because he is a financial disaster and has come close to bankrupting us numerous times over the years. His backup plan is me and my ‘bailout account’, as he calls it. I’ve always worked so that my salary is what I have to pay bills and spend with. I don't like touching any of the inheritance money and now, Jenny would certainly not want any of her cash touching Ryan’s hands.

I hear the door slam closed at six on the nose and heavy footsteps walking around downstairs. I can tell simply from the sound of his stomping that he’s not happy. The house is a mess. All his mess since I keep to the bedroom these days. Dinner isn't on the table
and won't be,
and I’m in bed, yet again. He didn’t come home last night. I was thankful at the time but it probably means he was out gambling away more money.  As his steps draw near our bedroom door my heart rate spikes and my palms get clammy in anticipation.

“What the fuck Elle!” Are the first words out of his mouth when he comes barreling through the door. I stare at him blankly, waiting. “You’ve got to snap out of this. It’s been months! You look like shit... you won't put out... I’m STARVING... the house is disgusting and you
still
don't have a goddamned job yet!” He finishes. All I can think of while staring at him is that he is the most selfish person I’ve ever met.

“Ryan, this isn't about you... it’s about me. I’ll cope and move on and get
past
this on my terms and schedule.” I tell him struggling to keep my voice steady.

“Like hell you will! Oh, sure, it’s about you... what about how it’s affecting ME though?”

“I don't care how it affects you. I’m only worried about me right now.” I say as calmly as possible.

“FUCK YOU ELLE! Are you even capable of doing anything right? You sit here in this room all alone day after day.” He storms over to where I sit on the bed and grabs me by the shoulders roughly. “ENOUGH!” He screams while shaking me hard like a rag doll. He’s never been physical with me like this and it leaves me stunned and trembling. The rage emanating from his eyes is terrifying. I stare up at him with vacant eyes unable to comprehend that this morning when I woke my life was shit but now in the span of ten hours it’s infinitely worse. Everything has changed.

He stops shaking me suddenly. His eyes furiously searching mine for something, anything. When he finds nothing but my blank stare he swings his arm back and slaps
me hard across the face. “Do you even
feel
anything?” He screeches as my head snaps left. I begin to right myself when his hand comes again knocking me sideways. My hand flies to my cheek. It stings and I taste blood where his wedding ring caught my lip, how ironic. My heart stopped beating, my lungs felt like collapsed and my skin was suddenly too tight over my body.

Determination pulses through me. In a rush I push him away and stand on shaking legs. “This is the last time you tell me I’ve got it wrong. The last time I let you in.” My voice breaks slightly but I won't  let him see me cry over him. I brush past him exiting our bedroom and darting down the stairs.

“Dammit Elle. I’m sorry!” He shouts after me. I don't stop. I snag my keys off the counter on my way out the door. I get in my car throw it in reverse and peel out the driveway.

I’ve lied to people for him. I’ve covered for him all this time. Downplaying all the terrible words he’s said to me, things he’s destroyed and for what? Did I think my lies would come true? That he was kind and caring? That he didn't mean what he did? There’s a moment of truth in my lies and tears fall down my face at an alarming rate but I don't feel sad. My thoughts are crystal clear. I’ve never felt so perfectly in tune with myself before.

I speed down our road not giving a shit about Ryan or that my life has shattered and splintered right in front of my eyes. The tree at the bend in the road is thick and old and gnarly. Deeply rooted in
its spot. I punch the gas pedal to the floor and close my eyes. In a moment I will be free. I will have my sister and my parents back and I will be me again. The sound of crunching metal assaults my ears. The impact jars my body. I taste blood. Pain rockets through me. Then, everything goes black. This is it.

PRESENT

DAY 11

Went to The Freaky Bean to pick up a book. 

Coffee and pastries  to come. Stay tuned...

xx

Elle

I leave Colin sleeping in bed and head to the cafe from last week. I want to get the book from the lovely Jenna. I could have easily downloaded it to my kindle but part of me wants to keep the connection with her, so off I go. When I arrive she’s already claimed a table out front and is sitting quietly reading and sipping her coffee.

“Hi.”

“You came!” Jenna elates.

“I did. I’m hoping I could take you up on the offer to borrow the book if you’ve finished.”

She leans down digging through the bag at her feet and pops back up furnishing the book we’d talked about.

“I brought it just in case you showed today.” Her smile is bright and intoxicating. I find myself grinning broadly just from the sight of it.

“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. When I finish, will I find you here to return it?” I ask.

“Every Friday morning honey.” We carry on for a few more moments before I enter the cafe ordering coffees and treats for Colin and I. By the time I’m back home Colin is up, sitting on the deck reading the paper. I almost hate to interrupt. It’s a treat watching him without him knowing. The way he runs his hand through his hair each time he flips a page makes my chest tight. When he crosses and uncrosses his legs the muscles twitch and bulge. He’s really a sight to see. He’s beautiful. Something catches his attention and his head slowly turns his hazel eyes meeting mine with a smile.

“You’re back! Where are these pastries you speak of?” He jokes. I sit down next to him, set our coffees down and pull out the treats.

“A raspberry cheese Danish, two cinnamon rolls and one of those little blueberry tart things.” I say triumphantly.

“That’s a lot of pastries for two people.” His lips twitch at the corners.

“Well ... I kinda wanted a little of all of them and I couldn't decide.... so.... I went with gluttony over practicality.” I shrug. He laughs loud and hard and it makes my heart beat wildly. I love hearing it. I love his smile. His mouth. He picks up the Danish and eyes me mischievously. “Open up Ellie.” He badgers. I do as I’m told and open for a bite. He slides the Danish into my mouth and as I start to bite down he smashes it all over my face. I squeal and stare at him wide eyed before bursting out laughing.

“You just ruined a perfectly delicious
Danish!” I squawk at him.

“Man,” he laughs, “note to self, don't mess with Elle’s pastries.”

I scrape a giant hunk off my chin and smush it across his lips. He licks them and moans.

“Oh man, that is seriously one amazing
Danish.”

“Now you understand.” I laugh at him. I wipe my face off and we finish our treats without wasting anymore.

“There’s a Rock Gym two towns over.” He informs me. “We can head over anytime.”

“Nice.”

“Why rock climb?” He asks.

“I don’t know, it was just something neither one of us had ever done. We, ah, weren’t very outdoorsy. I guess it was to try something outside our normal comfort zone. Plus Jenny was afraid of heights so it would have been kinda monumental for her.”

“Well then, we do this for Jenny.” He raises his coffee cup in a toast.

“For Jenny.” I parrot and clink my cup to his.

***

Her fingers glide through her hair as she pulls it up and knots it loosely at the top of her head. A guide is strapping her into a harness and the way the straps cut across each half globe of her rear makes my dick twitch. Her yoga pants hug every inch of her in the most alluring way. I watch as her tank rides up exposing the skin at her waist for a moment before her graceful fingers tug it back into place. Her face lights up at something the guide says and a pang of jealousy hits me. She’s the most beautiful creature. I don’t particularly care for other men witnessing her stunning smile. It’s selfish but I want those smiles she gives for myself. He tugs the rope, checking it before telling us that we’re all set. Her green eyes capture mine, gleaming with excitement.