Zenith Falling (36 page)

Joelle left, but only because she knew she had already caused Nick too much pain and suffering with her stupidity, her shortfalls, and her own insecurities. She didn’t say anything to Nick that she intended to say. The nail marks on his arm prevented her from talking at first. She saw how real his anger and hurt were and knew she’d done that. She deserved his anger.

She went
to Rob the night before.

But when she saw Nick walking away from her, her
heart nearly burst through her chest. Rob’s hands on her, suddenly felt like burdensome weights, anchoring her down, and she instantly saw the magnitude of her mistake. Rob wasn’t the answer. He was no more than a panicky solution to her real problem.

That easily, that clearly, she immediately
knew she had to divorce Rob. As she pulled Nick’s credit card from Rob’s hand, she realized it was Nick she wanted, not Rob. Nick would do anything to ensure her safety, and wellbeing. He always put her comfort and care first. No matter what. No matter what she’d done or how angry he was at her, she always came first with him. Always.

She
,
Joelle Williams,
always
came before his money, his position, his company, even his family.

He literally wanted to give her e
verything he possessed in this life.

She nearly groaned out loud at the realization that it took her th
is long to get it. See it. Feel it. Appreciate it. What she’d known all along.
Nick Lassiter really and truly loved her
.

Being finally convinced in the exact moment that Nick was walking away from her, because he thought she returned to her husband, created a huge problem.

She was afraid of what his life represented last night, and seeing who he was in full color details. He was a force to be reckoned with: strong, confident, intelligent, ambitious and successful in every aspect and achievement, with the unmentioned rewards of  wealth, power, and respect.

And here she was: the mousey date to this larger than life man. She always found herself lacking. Her place beside him was incongruent.
All her insecurities managed to collide in an awful moment of knowing that Nick would eventually resent her shyness, her awkwardness, and her being the inept creature that she really was.

Her growing confidence was flimsy at best, and although stronger
now, she could never envision herself as a strong, poised, self-assured person like him, his sisters, his mother, or Erica even. Joelle just wasn’t hard-wired like they were. So she fled from the first person who tried to steal her place in Nick’s life. She let Brittany win, nearly hand feeding her to Nick. She’d have deserved it, good and well, if Nick had slept with Brittany.

Thank God
, he didn’t.

And Rob? He
had become her last ditch effort. An old habit that she quickly realized she’d sadly outgrown. She loved him, as in: loved him out of respect for the person he once was and had been to her. Now she only loved him with her fond wishes to stay sober, and live well, be happy, successful, and write and sell more music.

But
she loved Rob’s absence from her more. She didn’t want him touching her, needing her, or crushing her personality under his anymore. She only ran to Rob last night because he was the easiest avenue for her to alienate Nick. He was the easiest escape route.

She knew she was a coward, and had fallen in love with Nick. But, instead of screaming it to the world, standing proudly beside him as his date
, or simply admitting it to him, she ran. She even tried to sabotage it because she was terrified of loving Nick Lassiter. And of what that meant. Her old demons of not fitting in, or embarrassing him, or worst of all, Nick finally coming to his senses about her still haunted her thoughts.

Responding to her doubts, as always, he just encouraged her to do
what was best for her. He wanted her to find herself, and not be sad or confused anymore. Giving Rob his credit card and saying it was for her, proved Nick only wanted the best for Joelle, no matter what it cost him.

S
he was so stupid, so scared… and yet, so ready to finally be a real person. A full person who could love another without getting lost, and still remain her own person.

Nick had always thought she was worthy enough to be with. H
e fell in love with her, just as she did with him. And she was, for once in her enigmatic life, sure of something. Sure of that: Nick loved her.

Now, she just had to figure out what to do about it. First thing, she decided, was to not be married to another man any longer.

Divorces took time. Ninety days to be exact. Time that Joelle didn’t have the patience for. But she had to wait, and she used the time to try to become her own person for once. And for always. She joined a knitting club, a small thing to most people, but a huge step for her. She never joined anything in her life, except the band. But that was for Rob. And this was for her. She finished a scarf and was so proud of it, she nearly framed it and hung it over her bed. She kept going to work, although she still often considered quitting, starting over, running, and giving up. But she didn’t.

There were weeks of whispers, looks, and innuendos. But for once, Joelle stiffened her spine, and gave the gossipers dirty looks and sharp retorts. She only got better at her job so no one could find any fault with her. No one could say she was incompetent, stupid or only had her job because she opened her legs for the boss.

She stayed on at the office, and continued to live with Erica. Erica gave her an earful after the stunt at the awards ceremony. Erica still questioned what exactly she was doing. Joelle couldn’t explain it fully, but said she had a gut feeling that she needed to prove herself by building her self-esteem and then, once she was a competent person, she could offer herself to Nick. But first and foremost, she had to be her own person. She needed to prove to herself, and Nick that this time she would not run to him, all needy and lost. She no longer wanted to fill a lonely void, like she did when she married Rob.

She w
ould go after Nick this time because she loved him. Because she
wanted
him. But not because she
needed
him. There was a key difference that someone like Erica, with a strong, healthy, sense of self, couldn’t quite understand. Nick would understand that though. Of that, Joelle was confident.

Not to say she left everything to fate. She pretty much recruited Bev to keep an eye on Nick, and let
her know if any other woman, Brittany in particular, sniffed around his office. And Nick, true to his word, didn’t do or say anything suggestive or untoward to her at work. He pretended the night they were a couple in front of his managers never happened. They rarely saw one another, for once, his stipulation, but when they did, he was polite, respectful, cold and impersonal. And Joelle allowed nothing to interfere with her job.

Finally,
the ninetieth day came, and brought her exactly what she was waiting for.

“Excuse me, Nick. Can I talk you?” Joelle asked, her tone professional, as she shut the door to his office behind her.

He raised his head up and his eyes flickered over her and widened. They stayed focused on her blue-streaked hair and seemed to linger over the hoop in her lip, the stud in her nose and the newer jewel in her eyebrow. She wore her big, black combat boots and a long skirt.

“Not now, Joelle.” His tone was indifferent, and his expression almost unblinking with boredom at her.

“I wanted to tell you
–”

“I was about to leave for a meeting. This will have to wait.”

“No. It can’t.”

He stood. “Sorry it’s going to have to.”

He was past her. Gone. She stood there, rather shocked he’d gotten up and left so abruptly. She scrunched her face up with annoyance and started down the hall after him. Almost running. She wished now she’d worn her running shoes.

“Nick
, would you please slow down?”

“No. I really can’t talk to you.” He forgot to add “right now.”

“Damn it,” she muttered when Nick ducked into the conference room. And sure enough, he had ten managers waiting for his entrance.

She paced outside.
Finally, she ducked inside the room, where she stood quietly. Waiting. Wasn’t she always quiet? Didn’t she always wait her turn? She always made sure she wasn’t loud or disruptive.

Nick
didn’t look her way once and she felt her agitation growing. She waited for so long, now she had what she wanted, and she couldn’t wait another minute. Her blood was burning through her veins with eager anticipation. Her foot tapped restlessly, and her mind skipped over every possible scenario… the romantic gestures she could make, but settling on none. Other than she couldn’t wait to tell him, she had to tell him
now
.

“Excuse me,” she said, speaking up. Predictabl
y, everyone turned towards her where she stood, nervously combusting.

Nick jerked as if he’d been shot. His voice sounded cool after an
uncomfortable silence. “What is it?”

“I quit. I wanted to tell you
that.”

“Now? Th
is couldn’t wait until after this meeting–which doesn’t concern you in the least–is over?”

“No
, I can’t wait any longer.”

“Okay
, then, give Bev your notice.”

“No
. I want to give it to you.”

He was scowling at her as she came forward, with the piece of paper she held lik
e a silver chalice as she put it before him. He met her gaze when she leaned over him, and anger dilated his pupils. His jaw clenched tighter. She wondered if he would have a jaw ache soon. She smiled sweetly.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his tone quiet
, for her ears only. Finally, his voice had some emotion in it.

“Read it,” she said softly.

He looked down. His face blank and looked back up at her.

“These are divorce papers.”

“Yes. I know.”

“I thought you were quitting,” he said carefully.

“I am. I don’t want there to be anything between us.”

“Between us?”

“Between us, Nick. You and me.”

He stared at her. His expression troubled. He didn’t believe her. After all she’d put him through, who could blame him?

She stood straighter, and spoke clear and loud. “I love you. I thought you’d believe me if you had proof. That’s what this is. And this is just the start.”

The room around them was consumed with silence.
Heads bobbed back and forth between Nick and her, but she didn’t look around. She only stared at Nick. She didn’t fidget. She didn’t look down. She stood tall, with her shoulders back, and her voice sure. Her gaze was direct.

Nick took all this in as he slid his chair bac
k and slowly stood up. “You seem pretty sure of yourself.”

She smiled. “I am. For once. About you. Nice change
, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” he said quietly. “I don’t want you to quit.”

“Is that what most interests you about this conversation?”

“No, that’s what I’m most comfortable believing.”

“Believe in me. You always have, even when no one else did. Don’t stop now.”

“You were waiting all this time for this?” he asked, holding the paper.

“Partly. The other, I was adjusting to myself. As you suggested.”

“Did it work?”

She nodded, her eyes fastened on his. “It’s working.”

“Our problems weren’t just Rob. Our ages, our styles, my occupation, my lifestyle, everything that was me and isn’t you, all
of that hasn’t changed.”

“No, I changed. Only… you never once asked me to. That’s where I went wrong. I pictured I had to change in order for someone like you to love me. But… I never had to change a thing about me, did I? Other than divorcing Rob, you never asked me to change one damn thing about myself. I’m sorry it took me so long to truly believe you meant that. You liked me just exactly as I was, didn’t you? Blue hair and all.”
His eyes sparked. “Yeah, blue hair and all. Speaking of that, why is it back?” He waved his hand to her hair, currently braided around her head and streaked in the same shade of blue she had when he first met her.

She smiled. “Because I like it. And I forgot that I liked it. And I realized I can have it… and I can have you too. So you might have to get used to the fact that I sometimes have strangely colored hair. And i
n light of everything else, those little differences are the easy part.”

He looked her in the eye, but she still didn’t waver.

“What’s the hard part?” he asked finally.

“Living together for the rest of our lives.”

“That would imply we were together.”

“No, it would imply we were married.”

“You just got divorced.”

“Well, we’re already halfway there then
, aren’t we?”

“How do you know how I feel?”

“Because you’ve always loved me. I just couldn’t let you.”

“Where is all this confidence coming from?”

“You, Nick. It comes from you.”

He stared at
her. His expression was totally blank. His blue eyes hard as ice as he narrowed them on her. He suddenly turned towards their captive audience. “This meeting is done,” he said, briskly. No one said anything, but got up and quickly gathered their things. They all shuffled out, smiling to themselves.

Nick took her hand, pulling her down the hall to his office, shutting the door and locking it beh
ind him, while ignoring Bev’s smug expression of delight.

He shoved her away from him and crossed his arms over his chest.
“You couldn’t have waited until we were alone?”

“
No. I couldn’t wait. I waited as long as I could.”

“When did you decide all this?”

“The day after the awards ceremony. I told Rob I wanted a divorce before I came to see you.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

“Because you weren’t ready to hear it yet. Or to believe me yet.”

“So you thought leaving me was better?”

“Not better. Just necessary. Clean break, closure. You were right. I needed to figure it out. Set it all in motion.”

She stepped closer to him and tugged his hand so he had to uncross his arms. She pulled his hands to her waist.
He finally brought her forward, against him. He cupped her face in his hands. “You can’t have any idea what I’ve been through.”

“I can. I just wanted it to be us. For real. Forever.”

“You mean all this?” he asked. She’d never seen Nick unsure before. She put her hands over his and looked into his eyes.

“I’m sure. I’m not going to let the fact that I’m a lousy dinner date stop me from being happy with you.”

He smiled, and her heart lifted. “You aren’t that lousy of a dinner date. Just in front of other people.”

“And you can live with that?”

“I love that. I love you. Everything you think I shouldn’t love about you, I do. I did from the start. Especially this.” His finger caressed the stud in her lip.

“This? Why?”

“Because your tongue always plays with it when you’re nervous. And you’re nervous a lot. And it makes me think of things I’d like to do with that tongue.”

She raised her eyes up to his. “You’re really okay with me being… me?”

He dropped his forehead onto hers. “Jesus, Joelle, could I be any clearer? I love you. I have loved you from the beginning. You are just… Joelle to me. I don’t care what you wear. I don’t care what anyone else thinks of us. And I sure as fuck have never cared if you are what other people expect from you as my wife. I only care that you become my wife. I don’t care what color your hair is and I don’t care if you add metal and ink to every inch of your body. Just so long as you are with me. Just so long as every night, you come home to me. And every inch of that metal and ink is mine to love.”

“Can y
ou give me awhile?”

“For what?” he asked, his smile wavering.

“It takes a lot of sessions to get one of these things removed,” she said pulling up her sleeve to reveal the scabs covering her wrist.

He took her wrist
and frowned at her as his fingers lightly caressed the RJW tattoo and the red, blistered skin. “It’s lighter.”

“I’m getting it removed.”

He rubbed her wrist, with the gentleness she knew to expect from him. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I know. That’s why I’m doing it.”

He lifted her up, and brought her against him, kissing her long and deep and full on the mouth. “Don’t ever walk or run or even glance out of my life again.”

She smiled. “Does that mean you’ll marry me?”

“If you’ll promise to color your hair every color, but blonde; don’t ever go blonde again.”

She nodded and laughed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “I can promise you that. I am
finally promising you everything.”