You Before Me (11 page)

Gabe: I don't either.
How's your lazy day going without me?

Me: Good. Homework is done
& house is clean. Just need to wash clothes.

While I wait for his response, I put
the rest of the pizza in the fridge and get started on those
clothes. Panic clutches my stomach and rises like bile within me.
I. Picked. A. Major. Spanish. That's what the rest of my life will
involve. Is that what I want? What if I decide that I hate it? Or
should I pick another language? It could be more fun and a
challenge to learn a new language. There's French, Chinese,
Japanese, or maybe Portuguese. Maybe I should do one of those
instead.

Ugh.

I don't have a fucking
clue!

Back to square one. I still don't
understand how at nineteen, almost twenty, I'm supposed to choose
what I want to do for the rest of my life. Sure, I could always
come back to school and get a degree in something else, but that
makes my first degree pretty much worthless and a waste of money. I
can't make a decision like that! My parents can choose for me. They
are older, supposedly wiser, so they can choose how I'll spend the
rest of my life.

Yes, that's what I'll do.

Before Gabe can text me back, I text
him.

Me: I envy you.

His response comes in seconds
later.

Gabe: That doesn't sound
like a lazy day. And why?

Me: That stuff is kind of
relaxing... Trying to decide on major. Maybe I should be a
housewife since cleaning relaxes me. ha.

Gabe: hahaha. Dream big,
Ryan. If you could do ANYTHING, what would you do?

To have sex with him again would be
nice. Can't believe he left with a boner! I was horny too, but
that's why I own a vibrator. I don't think that's what he meant
though. Five minutes pass, and I'm still thinking.

Gabe: You're taking too
long. There has to be something you want to do. Just in general.
Not even as a job.

Me: Nope. I've got
nothing.

Gabe: Don't think so much
about it then.

Me: Easier said than
done.

Gabe starts sending me texts with
various activities. Skydiving, surfing, rock climbing, riding a
motorcycle, learning a new sport, and so on. My answer to every
single one is, sure, that sounds like fun. Then he sends me a
message expressing his exasperation at my response. Everything does
sound like fun though. I want to try everything, no one more than
the other. For the rest of the evening, I try to think of a
solution to my problem.

* * *

“Oh, no,” Viv mumbles, her eyes
catching sight of someone behind me.

I turn to look and see her
ex-boyfriend coming straight for us. Standing tall, I act as her
shield.

“Babe, why haven't you been answering
my calls? I miss you,” he starts, completely ignoring
me.

“Oh, now you miss her? Maybe you
should have appreciated her while you had her, you cheating
bastard.”

“Stay out of this, Ryan.”

I shake my head. “Eh, I don't think
so. Why don't you go find that girl you fucked on your couch? Viv
is off limits to you now.”

He glares at me. “This has nothing to
do with you,” he says, growing annoying.

“Actually, it does. Viv is my,” I
point to my chest, “best friend. She has no ties to you. If that
girl won't walk around your house naked and sleep with you anymore,
looks like you better get familiar with that hand of yours. Be
careful or you'll get carpal tunnel. Might want to let them take
turns.” I turn, grab Viv's shoulder to swivel her and start walking
away from him.

“That was great. His mouth was hanging
open, like he couldn't believe what you said. If I didn't know you
so well, I wouldn't have believed it. Thanks, Ryan.”

“No problem. That's what friends are
for.”

We settle into our seats, and our
professor starts teaching moments later. This is how Monday,
Tuesday, and Wednesday go. Meeting Viv in the morning, going to
class, doing schoolwork, and me worrying to death over picking a
major. The idea of learning a new language sounds appealing. That
thought itself is shocking. Something appeals to me that isn't sex
or boys or partying. This is something that will carry into my life
after college. It excites me.

Learning Spanish wasn't all that
exciting because my parents forced me into that. It was easy, and I
picked it up quickly, but it wasn't an interest. But what if I
could learn French? It's such a lovely language, and I could be an
interpreter or something like that. The possibilities could be
endless. The idea that I've finally picked something for my future,
finally made a decision that really matters, bubbles within me,
rising and blissfully infecting every part of me.

I just left one of my classes,
wondering what I'm going to do for lunch when a text comes
in.

Gabe: Meet me for
lunch?

Me: Of course!

We've been texting here and there, but
I haven't seen him since last weekend. He hasn't said when we're
going for our lesson, and I haven't asked. Gabe texts me the place,
and I go to my car to head that way. I've never been there before,
but it's downtown and I've walked passed it before when Viv and I
have gone clubbing. When I arrive, Gabe is already sitting at a
booth. He slides out when he sees me, giving me a kiss on the cheek
once I've reached him.

“Hey, Ryan.”

“Hey. How's your day been, Officer?” I
smirk. Now that I'm not in any kind of trouble, he looks delicious
in uniform. I can appreciate it so much more.

Gabe laughs, his large, wide torso
rumbling from deep within his chest. “Smooth, considering that I
get to take time to have lunch with you. I've been learning how to
operate with a new partner. It's hard when you've been by yourself
for a while. How's your day been?”

“Good. Just left my last class for
today.” I pause about to ask about his partner, as the waitress
comes with our drinks. Looks like Gabe already ordered that for us.
My grin is too big when the glass full of my favorite orange drink
is placed in front of me. “You sure do know the way to my heart,” I
chuckle before taking a sip.

Gabe smiles. “I thought you would
appreciate that.”

“I do.”

“Good. I'm happy I was able to see you
today.” For some reason, that makes me suspicious. I narrow my eyes
at him, and he laughs, holding his hands up. “I mean, I have wanted
to see you again.”

“But,” I insert for him.

“But I sort of have bad news about
this weekend.”

My shoulders sag, the pit of my
stomach telling me that he's changed his mind about me meeting the
men of his family. I can't say that I blame him. It's early, and I
don't even know if we are dating or what we are exactly. There's
something between us. Maybe.

“Stop thinking.”

“What?” I ask, confused.

“You think too much, Ryan. It's
nothing bad, I promise. It's just I'm not going to be able to work
out our lesson as I originally hoped.”

“What do you mean?”

His hands disappear underneath the
table and by the motions of his arms, I know he's running his hands
down his thighs. “We can still do it, but the new plan is that we
go early, I teach you, and then you'll know the basics, even shoot
for a good little bit by the time everyone else shows up. If it
makes you uncomfortable or scares you too much or whatever and you
want to go home, I'll still take you back. You could just hang out
with us too. They won't mind.”

To avoid speaking too soon, I skim
over the menu, looking, but not paying attention. I was honest when
I said that I was kind of excited about it, but it was a feeling
full of nerves. It would be trying something new, and I have
complete faith in Gabe.

“Will you quit looking at that menu?
Just because you're avoiding my gaze, doesn't mean I'm not here
anymore. Tell me what you want to do, Ryan,” he says gently. “This
is your decision, and we'll do it the way you want.”

“That sounds dirty,” I tell him. He
chuckles, but waits for me to continue. I hate when he does that.
It's hard to avoid answering when he's so obviously waiting for me
to speak. “If you're certain about this and you're sure they won't
mind, then yes. That's fine.”

“I'm absolutely certain.”

Scary pulses of anxiety move through
me at both meeting people in his family and at what we'll be doing.
These types of emotions, I'm not used to, so I shove them aside and
focus on picking something for lunch as the waitress returns. We
both order a sandwich, his a burger, mine chicken. I shift in my
seat, trying to gain a sense of comfort somehow, and my knee
brushes one of Gabe's. His eyes flick to me, and I
smile.

“What time are we thinking for
Saturday?” I ask.

“We get together around two, so we
could be out there before one sometime? That gives us at least an
hour to see how you do.”

I nod. “What should I wear?” I don't
know much about this, so I wouldn't know if anything special is
required. My question sounds weird, even on my lips, but Gabe
doesn't acknowledge it.

“Tennis shoes, jeans, shirt, bra,
underwear, socks.” He grins at his additional obvious answers, and
the massive urge to kiss him runs me down like a freight train. He
looks outrageously adorable right now, even with the badge and
uniform. I wonder if I'll get a kiss before I leave.

Rolling my eyes, I laugh softly. “Who
put you in such a good mood, Officer O'Connor?”

“You did,” he says simply. So casually
thrown into the air between us that my glass comes to a stop just
as my elbow bends to bring it to my lips.

My face contorts into
confusion. Me? As in Ryan? Don't get me wrong, I know there is a
person, a
real
person underneath all of the boys, sex, and dirty comments
that I like, but never have I
ever
considered that
anyone
would truly like her. I don't
like her myself half the time. Why would anyone else? That girl
feels too much, cares even more about my parents, and seems weak to
me. Broken by the two people who are supposed to love her
unconditionally. This girl that I am right now, hasn't made sexual
advances towards Gabe, so he isn't talking about me as I am this
moment. He's talking about
her
. The other me.

His lips part, but the waitress brings
our lunch, interrupting him. When she walks away, neither of us
touches our food. Gabe tilts his head, briefly waiting to see if
I'll say something. I clear my throat first.

“I did?”

Gabe nods. “You.”

Hmph. Isn't that interesting. He
watches me carefully, but I've got nothing to say. My mind is in
overdrive trying to process this. And honestly, that means my mind
is spouting sentence after sentence in one long, rambling mumbo
jumbo. Gabe slides out of his seat, motions with his hand for me to
scoot over, and then he sits next to me, pulling his plate over to
this side of the table.

“What are you doing?” My question
sounds forced, clamped, like I'm barely breathing enough to
talk.

“Sitting next to you.” He shrugs
before taking a bite out of his burger. His thigh is pushed against
mine and when I haven't been able to stop looking at him in his new
seat, he turns to say with a nod to my plate, “It's going to get
cold, Ryan.”

“Why are you sitting next to me?” His
action is throwing me off, utterly confusing my already lost mind.
It's ridiculous that he's stumped me with this one
action.

“Do you want me to move back?” He
asks, resting a hand on my thigh.

I glance down to it, shaking my head.
“That's not what I said.”

“What's the matter, Ryan?” he says
softly. “You looked a little freaked out, so I wanted to sit with
you. Plus, I can touch you this way.” He flashes me a smile,
squeezes my thigh, and I giggle.

“You...I just...never mind.” I lean
over to give him a little kiss. “Glad you're in a good
mood.”

I finally join him in eating and in
between bites, we continue our conversation. He asks me if I'm any
closer on choosing a major, and I excitedly tell him about my
plans. It still sounds weird to me. Gabe smiles while he
listens.

“I knew you'd find something you'd be
interested in.”

“Yeah, I just hope it sticks. Hey,” I
say, suddenly remembering I meant to ask him about his partner.
“Why has it been so long since you've had a partner? Do you like
this one?”

Gabe has finished eating, but I still
have some left. While he talks, he angles towards me some more, his
hand still planted on my thigh with his fingers moving lazily. “My
previous partner transferred to Charlotte for a higher position,
and they just hadn't refilled his position here until now. And
yeah, he's okay. Fredrick doesn't have much experience, but I think
it'll work out. He's at a coffee shop a couple stores down,
eating.”