Worthy of Redemption (30 page)

“We’re cleaning the house?” she answered in a question. She looked a little uncomfortable to be standing there with the door open while I was naked under the sheets. It was only then that I heard several vacuums running throughout the house and what sounded like a lot of chattering. I had forgotten about the cleaning service coming in to clean.

“Umm, give me a couple of minutes to get dressed,” I told her. Before she could close the door, I stopped her again. “Where is Mr. Sterling?”

“Who?”

“Mr. Sterling? The man who called your company?”

“Oh. He left right after we got here. He gave us some directions and left.”

“Thank you,” I said, swallowing hard. I had a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

As soon as the woman closed the door, I jumped out of bed and went into the bottom drawer of Kyle’s bureau where I kept some of my own clothes. It used to be a pain in the ass to have to go all the way back to my room for clothes. I kept just basic things in there – bras, underwear, a couple of pairs of pants and a couple of shirts. I grabbed what I needed and hurried into the bathroom to take an amazingly fast shower. I dressed just as quickly before stepping back into the bedroom. I looked around, but the suitcase Kyle had been packing earlier was gone.

I threw open the door and almost crashed into the same woman.

“Did Mr. Sterling leave with a suitcase?” I asked.

She looked reluctant to answer, but slowly nodded yes. She immediately scurried away into the bedroom with her cleaning stuff. With a heavy heart, I went downstairs
and zigzagged through the team of cleaners and went into the office. The office was already cleaned up. I didn’t think Kyle would let strangers into his office. I imagined he cleaned it himself.

I sat down in the chair and stared at
an envelope with my name on it. It took me a few minutes to get the nerve to pick it up and open it. A micro SD card fell onto the desk. I looked at it quizzically. It looked like it came out of a phone. I put that down and pulled out the handwritten, one page letter.

Lily,

By the time you read this, I should be on my way to London. I’ll forward you an address and phone number where I can be reached as soon as I can, but I
do
not
want you to make a trip out there.

I know life will be hard for a little while. I know you are scared and you never intended to be in this position alone. I apologize from the bottom of my heart, but I can’t be the one there with you. As I said before, I will always take care of you and the baby, and I’ll check up on you from time to time, but you deserve a stable man without a tainted past, someone who needs you as much as he loves you, someone who will bend over backward to keep you happy,
as well as safe, and secure. You deserve someone who isn’t selfish, who puts your needs and desires above his own.

Please take full advantage of everything I leave to you: my cars, the penthouse, the money, and whatever else you have access to. I know you won’t like it, but Corsey will be keeping an eye on you. Enjoy your bar when it opens. You will be a great success.

I’ll Love You Always,

Kyle

I was
so
over crying. Now I was angry. He fucked me to knock me out and then escaped while I was snoozing,
and
had the nerve to leave me a Dear Lily letter!

I balled up the piece of paper and threw it across the room. I slammed my hand on the desk and noticed the little black card jump. I had forgotten about it that quickly. I would have loved to plug it into my laptop, but it was busted on the floor in my bedroom. I went upstairs to Kyle’s room where three girls were busy cleaning. I moved around them and grabbed my purse. I took my phone out, careful not to knock out any of the pictures of Emmy. I carried my purse and the phone back down to the office and sat down as I dialed.

“Corsey,” Corsey said when he answered his phone.

“Corsey, are you around?”

“Yes, what’s up?” he asked.

“Can you come by with your laptop?”

“Be there in five.”

“So, that’s what it’s like to have someone at my disposal,” I murmured to myself as I looked at the card in my hand.

True to his word, Corsey appeared in the doorway of the office five minutes later, carrying his laptop.

“I have this card and nothing to plug it into,” I said, holding it up.

“Yeah,” he grimaced as he put the laptop down in front of me. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“You were here?” I looked up at him in surprise.

He shrugged. “I was around. Had to keep him from going off the deep end.”

I gestured wildly towards the living room and other rooms. “That’s not going off the deep end?”

He looked grim. “Lily, you know how much worse that could have been…”

Of course he was talking about the drugs. Kyle had only been drunk and angry. It could have been far worse, and if I showed up while he was still binging, it could have been a whole lot of physical pain to go with my emotional pain.

“You’re right,” I nodded, firing up the laptop.

I plugged the SD card into the slot and chose the option of looking at pictures. The program that opened the file automatically set the photos on a slide show. The first picture to pop up on the screen was a picture of me sleeping. Half a dozen more were of me sleeping. I was pretty sure they were taken in the hotel room we stayed at in Ohio. Then there were pictures of me smiling at the camera, pictures of the two of us smiling at the camera. There were at least two dozen pictures of me with my nieces and nephew. I couldn’t help but to smile as I looked at how happy I was to be with them. I was
glowing
and not anything like I glow after Kyle and I have a wild night. When a picture popped up of Kyle and Gavin rough housing in Lydia’s backyard, it made my heart ache. He had no idea how happy he had made that kid over those few days. He had no idea that he was more than capable of making someone happy or that he could be a good dad. What he said to Gavin that first day was probably the best set of words I ever heard come out of his mouth. He had no idea how happy it made me and how much more I fell in love with him at that moment, and he’d never know because he chose to walk away.

I guess I wasn’t over the crying after all.

Corsey discretely stepped out of the room while I sat in front of the laptop crying over the man that was and could have been.

*~
Lily~*

I sat down at the small table across from a smiling Felicia Sterling. I couldn’t deny her beauty and where Kyle got his good looks. Her dark hair was no longer strung with gray, her figure had improved, and her eyes were lively and no longer dead looking. She had called me at work a couple of days before to ask me to lunch. I guess she had some apologizing to do for what happened months ago. I took the day off for my mid-morning doctor’s appointment. I didn’t really need the whole day for that, but the last thing I felt like doing was sitting at work after being violated at the OB/GYN.

“Thank you for meeting me, Lily,” she said with a big smile. “You are looking well. How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” I said, not returning her smile.

“I thought we could meet to discuss the baby,” she grinned.

“How long have you known?” I asked suspiciously.

“I spoke to Kyle last weekend. He sounds terrible.”

A waiter appeared just then to take our orders. I ordered a glass of water and a bowl of soup while Felicia ordered salad, no dressing, and a cup of hot tea with lemon.

“Is that all you’re eating?” she asked me with disapproval. “You should eat more; it will be good for the baby.”

“Let’s cut to the chase, Felicia,” I said, putting my palms flat on the table. “We’re not friends and I’m not sure if I really want you to be a part of my baby’s life.”

Her face fell. She took a moment to answer me. “Are you still angry about what you witnessed all of those months ago?”

“Am I still angry that you and your asshole ex-husband have been verbally and physically abusing Kyle his entire life? You bet your sweet, rich ass I am angry. Am I still angry that the only way you know how to apologize to your son is by taking him to brunch? Fuck yeah, I’m angry. You have
no
idea the damage you have done.”

Her eyes flitted around the restaurant, worried that someone overheard me, but I really didn’t care if anyone had overheard me. I had been without Kyle for over two months. He only called me once a week if I was lucky and never spoke for more than five minutes. He sounded as terrible as I felt, but he was adamant that we couldn’t be together, that he was not good for me. If he didn’t feel good enough, it wasn’t by my doing, but it started at home when he was a child. Having the opportunity to finally lay it out for his mother was one I was going to use well and to hell with anyone who overheard.

“You don’t understand,” she started in a soft voice.

“I know you have psychiatric issues, Felicia, I’m not faulting you on that, but you treat your son like shit. You keep abusing him and he keeps coming back for more, desperate for you to show him even a little bit of love, but you keep kicking h
im down. You blame him for Walt’s death - ”

“I don’t blame him,” she interjected, looking at me as if I were crazy.

“You do, too! Do you not remember the things you say to him when you’re off your meds?”

She blinked hard as she sat there staring at me, now oblivious to anyone who may be watching or listening. “He knows I don’t mean it,” she whispered.

“Does he? Are you sure about that? Because he feels pretty damn guilty and I’m pretty damn sure it’s coming from you and Walter. You
never
actually say ‘I’m sorry, Kyle’ and you
never
actually tell him that you don’t blame him and when has he
ever
heard you tell him you love him?

“My baby’s father hates himself. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for
me
of all people and he doesn’t think he’s good enough to be a dad. He’s had some real problems along the way, but it started with you and that asshat ex of yours. I watched him take a beating from Walter once, so that Walter wouldn’t go home and beat
you
. How many times did that happen? How many times did that happen and you not appreciate it?”

I let out a sound of exasperation and stood up. I was getting so stressed out telling her what a bitch she was and it probably wouldn’t matter in the long run. I walked away from her without another word. I got outside to the sidewalk where Corsey was waiting for me at the Escalade.

“Everything cool?” he asked, looking at my flushed face.

“Nothing’s cool!” I snapped as I started to get into the car.

“Lily, wait,” Felicia called behind me. She looked up at Corsey. “Corsey, can you drive me home? It will give me a chance to talk privately with Lily.”

“Yes, ma’am, if it’s okay with Lily,” he said. I was thankful that he took my side.

I nodded my assent and climbed in and moved over to the other side.

“What about your car, Mrs. Sterling?” Corsey asked as she slid in.

“I rode into the city with a friend,” she smiled up at him. He closed the door, leaving us in the backseat to have it out.

“I wasn’t sure if I would like you,” she said after a couple of minutes of silence. “As soon as I saw you walk into my house with my son, I thought ‘what the hell is this?’ I wasn’t sure
if it was something serious or if he was just experimenting. Like so many in my position do, I judged a book by its cover.”

“So, what now? You want to get together and drink lattes and paint each other’s nails and braid each other’s hair?” I asked dryly.

She grinned at me. “You’re so straight forward and…rough around the edges. I like that you’re not phony, even if it is at my own expense.”

“I don’t know what you want from me,” I said, frustrated by her stupid grinning.

Her grin faded though and her eyes got misty very quickly. “You’re right. I have said horrible things to Kyle and I’ve done horrible things to him and I don’t know how to make up for any of it. How do I make up for the time he had to staunch the flow of blood from my wrists after I tried to take my own life? He was only eleven years old then.” Tears flowed freely down her cheeks now. “How do I make up for the times that I was out of my mind and beating him for reasons I can’t even remember? I don’t mean spanking.
Beating
. I don’t know how to thank him for always trying to take care of me and look out for me and protect me from Walter. I don’t know how to apologize for blaming him for his brother’s death. I’ve become accustomed to just taking him out for lunch and sweeping it all under the rug, but that hasn’t been good for him has it?”

She reached into her pocketbook for tissues. It wasn’t until she handed me one that I realized I was crying, too. Damn hormones.

“I didn’t protect him when he was a child and I didn’t stand up for him when I
knew
he loved that Grayne woman and despised being with Jessyca. I didn’t call him or visit him during any of his stays in rehab or help him stay clean when he came out. I just…let it all go and pretended all was well in the world,” she sobbed. “I’ve totally let my daughter go – how can anyone do that, Lily? How can someone give birth to a beautiful little girl and then just…let her go? I practically wrote her off by the time she was twelve years old. I feel like I’ve lost three children.”

I wiped at my eyes and took a couple of minutes to stop crying so hard. “Now you know,” I said and then shrugged. “You suck.”

She laughed through her tears. “I know.”

“So what are you going to do about it?” I asked. “Your son needs you –
now
. He doesn’t need me, but he needs
you
.”

She looked at me though she was lost in her own thoughts. After a moment, she said “I’ll go to London then. I have some things to settle here first, but maybe in a couple of weeks.”

“Good,” I smiled. “It makes me feel better to know he won’t be alone.”

“Don’t give up on him,” she said to me, looking at me fiercely. “He’s never run away like this. He must feel pretty strongly about you if he has to run away to keep himself from coming to you.”

“It’s not me,” I shrugged. “It’s Emmy. He feels bad for what he did to Emmy and he can’t let it go.”

“He could have brooded about that anywhere, Lily, not half way across the world. Think about that.”

My stomach chose that moment to growl. Felicia looked at me with one eyebrow raised. She leaned forward and said “Corsey, we need to stop somewhere to actually eat lunch now. What would you like, Lily?” she asked, looking back at me.

“Ice-cream and French fries,” I said longingly.

“Together?” Felicia asked, making the same face Kyle had made when I first said it to him.

It made me smile, but I felt sad at the same time and missed him more than ever.

“How are you holding up emotionally with the baby?” Felicia asked me over our lunch a little while later. “Kyle mentioned that you have lost a baby before.”

I was surprised to hear that Kyle had told his mother something so deeply personal about me. If she
was a normal mother, that would be different, but she wasn’t. Though we seemed to be building a relationship even after all of the bullshit, I never knew when Felicia may hurl Anna’s death at me like a weapon. However, knowing that he shared that with her gave me a little more insight into how he feels about his mom.

“I’m nervous,” I admitted. I didn’t want to tell her that I was scared to death and that I was having nightmares a couple of nights a week about losing the baby. Just last night I woke up in the middle of the night convinced that he or she was gone. I jolted up gripping at my womb, crying hysterically. I needed comfort but there was no one there to comfort me. It took me hours to fall back to sleep.

“I’m sure everything will work out just fine,” she said.

I couldn’t share in her enthusiasm or optimism. I needed a change of topic.

“You aren’t at all the hoity toity up tight spoiled rotten socialite heiress bitch I thought you would be while you’re medicated,” I said to her.

I thought I heard Corsey chuckle from the front seat. Felicia looked taken aback by my words, but then offered a small smile.

“I can be a hoity toity up tight spoiled rotten socialite heiress bitch as well as the rest of them, Lily,” she said.

Felicia proceeded to tell me about some of the major cat fights that had gone on in high society over the years. I learned that she could get very catty herself, and though I would think I would be disgusted, I was very much impressed. Maybe just maybe I would be able to work things out with her and have a relationship for the baby’s sake, but I knew I would always have to be on my guard.

~~~

When I got back to the penthouse later that afternoon, I threw my purse onto the couch and rushed down the hall to th
e powder room to pee. My bladder was really feeling the effects of having someone sitting on it. I rushed in and almost peed myself because I had to put the toilet seat down. I was thinking about how I’d have to yell at Corsey for leaving the seat up when another thought occurred to me. Corsey had not been in the penthouse all day. He was with
me
all day. I usually don’t utilize him as a chauffeur, but I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and my feet were slightly swollen. I didn’t feel up to driving myself around and Corse would have given me a speech about taking public transportation when I could use him or Harry. I hate speeches.

Kyle was good for leaving the seat up if he was in a hurry, but Kyle was in London, right? As I flushed and then washed my hands, I began to panic a little. What if there was some stranger sneaking around in the penthouse, waiting to jump out and murder me? Hell, what if it was Vic? I stood in the doorway of the bathroom, trying to decide if I should call Corsey, but then I would feel silly calling him over a raised toilet seat. Besides, I was more than capable of defending myself.

I cracked my knuckles and neck and pushed my fears aside as I stepped into the hall. I decided to check the office first. Nothing seemed askew or missing at first look. When I got closer to the desk, however, I discovered the book
The Time Machine
was on the desk. I froze. I had not left it there. In fact I had not touched it even once after Kyle told me about it. I had been using the money in my own account that I’d had for years. Just to be spiteful I chose not to touch the money Kyle had set aside for me. I couldn’t be bought.
Asshole
.

I picked up the book and weighed it in my hand for a moment before gingerly flipping it open. The key Kyle mentioned was taped inside on the cover. I ran my fingers over it but didn’t dislodge it. I put the book back down on the desk as my brain tried to register how and why it was there. I glanced around but didn’t see anything else out of place. I left the office, my mind trying to fathom why the book was there. Did Kyle have someone put it there? I didn’t get it.

I went into the kitchen to get a bottle of water. I opened the fridge and stared.

Since Kyle left, I had no desire to go food shopping. I had been eating a lot of takeout and just using up whatever we already head. Before I left for the doctor’s appointment, the fridge was almost empty. It was like a bachelor’s refrigerator: some souring milk, a few eggs, water, the beer that Kyle never finished and a few other odds and ends – some edible and some not. Now, it was stocked full with fruits, vegetables, fresh milk and eggs, juice, cheese, and yogurt. I left the door hanging wide open and went to the cabinets. They were stocked full with the cereals I liked, pasta, peanut butter, rice, sauces, soups, and a few treats I liked to enjoy. Out of curiosity, I opened the freezer and found plenty of vanilla ice-cream and a big ass bag of frozen French fries along with some packages of chicken, boneless pork chops, and lean ground beef.