Worthy of Redemption (32 page)

I covered my face with my hands as I tried not to cry. I felt like such a betraying scum bag. I didn’t start the kiss, but I didn’t finish it either. I didn’t make him stop kissing me and I did kiss him back.

“Baby,” Kyle sighed, pulling my hands away from my face. “I wanted you to move on and you did. It’s not your fault.”

“I didn’t move on!” I cried. “It was just a kiss, but I didn’t move on. How can I move on with your baby moving around inside of me?”

He was silent for a moment. “You…you felt it moving?”

“Yes.”

He looked at me for a moment longer before moving down my body. Resting between my legs, he slowly pushed my t-shirt up and put his warm hands on my skin over my little baby bump. He rested his head on my thigh and caressed me. It wasn’t the most comfortable position for me, but having Kyle’s body touching mine and feeling his hands caressing our shared child was worth the discomfort. It was worth more than anything in the world at that moment.

~~~

When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in the bed. I knew in my heart that Kyle wasn’t in the shower or downstairs in his office or anywhere in the penthouse. I felt his absence, the dark hole it left in me, and I knew he was already flying across the sea back to London.

I angrily wiped away my tears after checking the entire house, even though I
knew
. I didn’t get a letter, a note, a fuck you or anything this time. I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep up with the vague voicemails and text messages and the random surprises and appearances. What was it going to be like when the baby was born? Would our child even know him as a father or just the guy that randomly shows up from time to time? I wouldn’t want that for my baby anyway. He would have to be there all the way or not at all, and that went for me, too. I loved Kyle more than anyone, but I was tired of feeling this way. I was tired of his shit.

I took a quick shower and packed an overnight bag as I called out of work. A little whi
le later I was in the Cadillac with the GPS set and ready to go. I stopped at a super Wawa to fill up on gas and get some cash and snacks for the road and then I was off. I took note of the Escalade several cars back, but when it became obvious I wasn’t out for a joyride, my cell rang with Corsey’s ringtone –
Cryn’ Like A Bitch
by
Godsmack.
I assigned him the tone after the first time I kicked his ass and he kept whining about not being able to hit a girl.

I pressed a button on the dashboard, answering the call. Corsey’s voice boomed throughout the speakers in the car.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

“Driving,” I said, chewing on a Twizzler. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to figure out what the hell
you
are doing. Listen, I’m low on gas. Pull over at the next rest stop so we can discuss this.”

“No can do, my friend.”

“I’m really being rather kind right now, Lily. I’m giving you the option of having a discussion opposed to me tracking you down, which I will do.”

“If you lost Vic, you can lose me,” I pointed out.

“Oh, Lily, silly girl,” Corsey said with a sigh. “I can track you through your cell phone and there is a tracker in the car. I’m going to pull off to get gas, but when I catch up to you I won’t be a happy man.”

I looked down at my cell phone. “Thanks for the info,” I said. I opened my window, picked up my phone, and chucked it out. When the car behind me ran the phone over, the phone call dropped.

I rolled past the next rest stop and noted that Corsey did indeed pull off for gas. I knew he would still catch up to me as long as I was in the Cadillac. I punched the gas as I tapped the GPS, searching for what I needed. When I found it, I punched the gas a little more, flying down the highway entirely too fast. I made a phone call through the car’s phone service and a half hour later I was standing at the counter of a rental car place. I was able to get in and out fairly quickly. I deposited my bag into the passenger’s seat of the rental car and jumped back on the highway. Before leaving the Cadillac in the lot, I deleted the course I had set in. Chances were that Corsey knew how to find the deleted routes, but it would take him a little bit of time, which was what I needed to get ahead.

After an hour or so, I started to relax, confident that Corsey wasn’t on my tail. I was finally able to focus on what I was going to do. I ripped open a bag of beef jerky, found a good radio station, and settled in for my drive to Chicago.

*~
Emmy~*

“I just want one drink!” I cried out, holding on fiercely to the bottle of tequila.

“If you don’t let go of this bottle, I will smack the shit out of you,” my mother said in a tone that had me letting go of the bottle
and
taking a step back.

“It’s not fair,” I sulked, crossing my arms like an angry teenager. “It’s not right that I have to be sober when you’re here.”

My mother, the beauty queen, rolled her eyes at me and put the bottle of alcohol back in the cabinet. “You’ll harm your baby drinking that shit.”

“No I won’t. She can drink formula,” I argued.

“Stop being melodramatic,” she said, returning to her cooking.

“Wonder where I got that?” I murmured and walked over to my three month old daughter sitting in a baby seat on the table. “Hey, precious,” I cooed in my baby voice.

She gave me a toothless grin that made me forget about the tequila. I was about to take her out of her seat to spoil her with hugs and kisses when Luke walked into the room and literally swept her off of her diaper.

“Hey!” I said, putting a hand on my hip. “That’s mine!”

In response, Luke leaned in and gave me a ridiculously sexy kiss, way too indecent with a baby between us and my mother in the room, but it left me grinning.

“Hi, baby,” he said, smiling at me before turning to Kaitlyn. “Hey, Kay Kay!” he said in a tone he used just for our daughter.

He didn’t even stop to take his tie off or change his clothes before escorting the lovely young lady into the living room to watch the news. I went over to the stove to check on the progress of the dinner my mom was making. No matter how much she drove me to want to drink, she still cooked one hell of a meal and if that meant I had to soberly tolerate her a couple of days a month, so be it. Though I wasn’t eating too much these days, at least I was guaranteed that every bite would be deliciousness.

“How are things between you two?” she asked quietly.

I shrugged as I stuck a finger into her homemade mashed potatoes. She swatted my ass and shooed me away.

“What does that mean?” she asked. “The shrug. What does that mean?”

“It means things are fine,” I shrugged again. Now I was sticking a finger in the chocolate cake she had made earlier in the day.

“Stop touching everything!” she yelled. “You’re worse than Lucas.”

I looked out of the window at my two year old rambunctious blond haired little boy. My father had managed to find odd things to do in the yard to keep him busy and Lucas was out there following him around and keeping him company.

“So?” mom pressed.

“So what?” I sighed.

“Are you and Luke okay?”

“We’re more than okay,” I said, trying to convince her as well as myself. “But I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I just want to move forward.”

“Well…maybe you can move forward with a nice new haircut, and a gym membership,” she suggested.

“There isn’t anything wrong with my hair and I just had a baby, mom,” I said, backing away from the sharp objects on the counter so I wouldn’t be tempted to pick one up and hurl it at her head.

“He almost cheated on you,” she whispered harshly. “There had to be a reason. I’m just sayin’ maybe you should start
some
where. Why not start with a little after baby makeover?”

“Oh my god, don’t start!”

“I’m just sayin’! A little bit of a makeover never hurt nobody.”

“I’m going upstairs,” I said and started up the kitchen stairs to the second floor.

“Supper is almost ready. Why are you going up there?” she whined in her southern twang.

“Because if I don’t, I might drown you in the mashed potatoes!” I yelled over my shoulder as I stomped up the stairs.

I didn’t want to talk to her about Luke’s almost infidelity. I was trying to forget about it, or at least put it behind me, but now thanks to my mother it was at the forefront of my mind.

I collapsed onto the bed. My eyes fell on the framed picture of Luke and me at our wedding. I reached over to the table and picked it up. The glass was still missing from the frame from when I hurled it across the room last week. It had only been two weeks since it
almost
happened, and since the woman’s bookstore was right next to the law firm, the chances of him seeing her on a daily basis were extremely high.

Her name was Iris. She was forty-something, sophisticated, wicked smart, charming, and beautiful. She had long, wavy blonde hair, big go
lden eyes, and curves that Jessica Rabbit would envy. I had really liked her myself. When she first opened the little coffee shop bookstore, I was still pregnant with Kaitlyn. A couple of mornings a week, if I had a sitter, I would meet Luke there for a mini date. He would have coffee and I would have tea. Iris would serve me a freshly made muffin of my choice and Luke always got an enormous cinnamon bun with frosting. We would only be able to hang out for sometimes only a few minutes at a time, but I enjoyed it and I believe he did, too. I thought it was sweet moments like this that would fortify what I already considered to be a strong relationship.

I often would stay the
re after Luke went back to work and read a book over another cup of tea. Sometimes if business wasn’t out of control busy, Iris would sit across from me and we would chit chat. I talked to her about Lucas and our impending Kaitlyn at length. She had met Lucas on several occasions on those mornings when I really wanted to spend a few minutes with my husband but didn’t have a sitter. She would always give him an enormous cookie, on the house. We discussed our families – she quickly became aware of my love/hate relationship with my mother, my close relationship with Luke’s sisters Lena and Loraine, and she knew how much I adored my mother-in-law Grace. We shared recipes, funny stories, and had deep discussions about Jane Austen’s novels. I
liked
Iris, and I didn’t mind at all that Luke often wandered over during the day to get out of the office for a few minutes and to clear his head. I was
glad
that the little shop was there for him to do that.

After
Kaitlyn was born, Iris had even sent me a muffin basket, and I had taken Kay Kay in there several times, especially when she was still new to the world. I started leaving her with the sitter, too after six weeks or so. I loved my kids but I felt my occasional mornings with Luke were good for both of us and good for our family overall.

A little more than two weeks ago, I had told Luke early that morning that I wasn’t going to make it to the shop. Lucas and
Kaitlyn both had doctor’s appointments early in the day and then I had grocery shopping to do and other random errands that would take me nowhere near the city. The doctor’s office called early and asked me to reschedule the kids’ appointments, as the doctor had a family emergency. I decided to get my errands out of the way, but I really didn’t feel like packing the kids in and out of the car all morning. It was looking cloudy outside anyway, and I didn’t want to have to deal with getting them in and out of the car in the rain. I called Luke’s young cousin Diana, my favorite sitter. Now that she was out of school for the semester, she was always ready and willing to make a few bucks babysitting. I left right after she arrived, heading towards the city first. Even if Luke couldn’t meet with me for a few minutes, I could eat an incredible muffin while chatting with Iris or one of the other regulars for a few minutes. If Luke wasn’t in court or a meeting, I’d stop by for a little bit.

Instead of driving in, I took the L so that I didn’t have to worry about traffic and parking. With my umbrella in hand, I walked the few blocks to where the firm and shop were. The sky looked like it was about to let loose the hounds of hell and I was beginning to regret my decision, but it was too late. I was there now.

I walked into Iris’s shop and the first thing I noticed was that she wasn’t at the counter and there were only a few other customers in there and they were engrossed in their books or laptops. I thought about hitting the little bell on the counter, but just as my hand was poised to smack it, I heard her voice. I started to open my mouth to call to her, but then I heard Luke’s voice. I froze, knowing I had not heard wrong. I
know
my husband’s voice. Why the hell was he in the back room with her? As I moved quietly around the counter, I still didn’t think anything of it. We were all pretty chummy with each other, maybe him more than me since he worked right near her.

I stepped into the little hallway that led to her office. The door was slightly ajar. Again I almost announced my presence when I heard distress in Luke’s voice. I stood a foot away, listening more closely to their words.

“I can’t,” I heard Luke say. “You’re…you’re a great woman, beautiful and intelligent…and sexy, but…I have my wife and two kids.”

“I know,” I heard her say, but I couldn’t miss the desperation in her voice. “I love Emmy and the kids but I can’t…I can’t help the way I feel about you. I’m not asking you to leave them – just give me one night. One night, Luke. Or one day. I’ll even close the shop for a day and we can go somewhere and just be together for one day.”

“One day will turn into one more day and one more day will turn into another day after that until it is out of control, Iris,” Luke said. “And this…this is madness. I would never do that to Emmy.”

What struck me was that he didn’t say that he didn’t
want
to.

“I know you feel something for me, Luke,” she said. “Don’t you think about what we could be like together?”

“No, Iris, I don’t think about it,” he said, sounding a bit disgusted.

“The fact that you are still standing here and having this conversation tells me that you aren’t as satisfied with your life at home as you pretend to be,” Iris said.

“I love my wife,” Luke said.

“I don’t doubt that you do, but if life with Emmy is so perfect, you wouldn’t still be standing here considering this.”

“I’m not…”

“But you are,” she said in a silky voice. “I have my hands on you and you’re not pushing me away. I made a proposal and you didn’t scurry away back to your wife. You’re still here. We’ve been flirting with this for months, Luke. I’m tired of flirting. I’m forty-three years old and I’m over the flirting game. I know what I want and I don’t want to play games to get it. I don’t know…maybe one day will lead to another day and another day after that, but if you think that will happen then it means something. It means that maybe…maybe there’s a chance for us. Don’t you want to find out? Do you really want to be left wondering ‘what if’ when we can find out?”

I heard an exasperated sigh from Luke. Was he considering her offer? Why hadn’t he walked away yet? Then I heard it. The distinct sound of lips on lips and clothing rubbing together, and I knew without looking that he was kissing her, or she was kissing him. It didn’t matter who initiated it, the other person didn’t back away. I had to hold my breath to keep from gagging on the half a banana I had eaten before leaving the house. I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me.

Suddenly I heard Luke’s haggard breathing. “No. I can’t do this with you. Oh my god,” I heard him say, near panic. “I can’t. I
won’t
.”

“Luke,” I heard her plead.

“No, Iris! Fuck…” I knew my husband well. I knew he had his hands in his hair and I could hear him pacing back and forth. “Fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I just did that.”

“I know you’re torn but
-”

He cut her off. “I’m
not
fucking torn. I’m a fucking idiot. I’m not coming back here – don’t come to my office again, don’t call me, and stay away from my family. If Emmy comes in here, you give her a fucking muffin or whatever it is she wants and stay away from her. I had to fight so hard to get her; I’m not going to throw my life with her away for you or anyone else.”

I was frozen in place, unsure if I should burst in or run away. No matter what he had just said, I was still burning with hurt. They had obviously been building towards this moment and I wasn’t even sure if this was their first kiss.

Before I could decide what to do, someone hit the bell a few times from the counter. I heard low murmurs from the office door as the bell was hit again and then the door swung open. Iris looked at me with wide, teary eyes. Luke stepped behind her, looking like he had just been through hell. When Iris still didn’t move, Luke looked up and met my eyes.

“Emmy,” he said, but I had already turned and dashed out of the hallway. “Emmy!” he yelled my name as I ran out of the shop. The clouds chose that moment to dump the hounds of hell, but I wasn’t thinking about the umbrella in my hand as I ran away from my husband screaming my name.

The L wasn’t far, but if I had to wait for a train back to my car, Luke would definitely catch up to me. He was practically on my heels now. I ran into the street at the first sight of a cab. I didn’t know if anyone was in it or not, I didn’t care. I almost got hit by one car as I darted across the street and actually got tapped by one as it came to a halt, honking its horn. I stumbled and my left side ached, but I kept running, waving frantically at the oncoming cab with Luke screaming my name behind me. I was jumping into the cab before it could come to a complete stop.