Worthy of Redemption (25 page)

“Because I’m not her? Because I’m not Emmy?” I asked bitterly.

“Because I’m not good for you!” he shouted.

His words felt like a bucket of cold water splashing me in the face. I suddenly felt sober and clear. Kyle still thought he was going to break me. It wasn’t about
me
per say, as much as it was about what
he
might
do
to me.

“You
are
good for me,” I said softly.

“It’s only a matter of time before I completely ruin you,” he said bitterly. “I can’t look months and years ahead. I have to treat each day with you like it will be my last because I am
not
good for you
, Lily.”

I dropped the rum in the sand and wrapped my arms around Kyle’s neck. His arms circled me and he held me tightly.

“Please,” he said softly in my ear. “Let’s just get through this week.”

“Then what?” I asked, swallowing back my tears. “What happens after this?”

Even though his arms were wrapped around me and I could feel his heart beating in his chest, I felt him withdrawing once again.

“I’m not sure,” he said in a harsh whisper.

I held back my sobs and tears, because I knew in the near future Kyle was going to give me plenty of reason to cry.

*~
Kyle~*

The phone call and obligatory lunch invite from my mother came in on day four in Bora Bora. Lily and
I were just about to take a midday nap. She had been sick all morning with nausea and vomiting. I suspected it was the large amounts of seafood she ate last night at dinner. As soon as she was asleep, I was going to go down to the restaurant and give them a hard time for their tainted fish.

“Who is it?” Lily asked, with tired, puffy eyes while I hesitated answering the call.

“My mother.”

“You want to answer it,” she sighed. “So answer it.”

“Hello,” I answered just before it went to voicemail.

“Hi, Kyle,” my mother said softly. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. How are you?” I asked as I helped Lily into bed. She didn’t really need my help, but I felt better helping her. She gave me a soft smile after her head hit the soft pillows. The smile warmed me and wrecked me all at once.

“I’m…I’m fine,” she said after hesitation. “He’s gone. Again.”

“How much money did he take this time, mom?” I asked, holding the bridge of my nose between two fingers.

“I’m not sure how much he spent while he was here,” she said with a sigh. “I haven’t had the accountant add it up yet, but I gave him four hundred to leave.”

I knew she meant four hundred thousand dollars and not four hundred thousand sea shells or cookies or ass holes. Usually, I’m patient with her about this. Kicking Walter out usually meant that she was also on a new set of meds and that she was on the road to recovery. I usually jumped in to help her out any way I could, but now she was taking time away from Lily, and that was all I really cared about at that point.

“How many more times are you going to do this before you learn your lesson?” I asked her.

She was silent for a long time. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I suppose I have to do something differently this time.”

“I suppose so,” I snapped. “Listen, we’ll have to talk later. I’m on vacation with Lily and I just want to focus on us right now.”

“Lily? The girl you brought here with you?” she seemed surprised.

“Yes,” I said in a tone that dared her to say anything negative about Lily.

“Oh. She isn’t…”

“She isn’t what?” I snapped.

“Well…she’s different.”

“So?”

“So nothing,” she said impatiently. “I’m not really one to judge who you love, am I?” she asked bitterly.

“No, I don’t think that you are.”

She sighed and then tried again to be polite. “Why don’t we have brunch when you come back? Bring Lily with you.”

“Fine,” I said, watching Lily. She had already fallen asleep in those few short minutes. “I will call you when I get back. I’ll have someone come take care of any security issues in the meantime.”

“Thank you,” she said. “Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

“Thank you,” I said and ended the call.

I sat down beside Lily and stroked her cheek. She pressed her cheek into my palm even though she was sound asleep. It was only a matter of days before I got those pictures back from Ben. Moments like this would be gone after that.

I didn’t mean to pull her into this relationship only to spit her out. For a little while, I thought we could be happy for a long time, but soon I was thinking about forever and not just a long time. When she asked me where I saw us five years from now, I wanted to tell her where I really wanted to be five years from now – married, with kids, happy, but I couldn’t give her that hope. That hope would have just been crushed later.

The fact of the matter was that I was a guy with a history of terrible mistakes. The drugs weren’t just an Emmy-time thing. I had been on and off them since high school. I had been violent then and in college, but never towards a woman until Emmy. My obsession for her was a drug in of itself. Mixed with the meth and sometimes pure cocaine and alcohol, I became a lethal weapon towards the person I loved most in the world. Lily could very well be next.

My feelings for her had grown exponentially, almost literally overnight. I felt as if she had crawled into my skin and had become a part of me. I couldn’t stand to be away from her. When I went on a business trip to Chicago only a week or so into our official relationship, it physically hurt to be away from her. Even before our relationship began, I couldn’t stand the weekends when I couldn’t be close to her. I had to watch her from a distance. I didn’t recognize the ache for her then, but I couldn’t mistake it for anything else now.

Anytime, I could fall off of the wagon and find myself snorting something up my nose. Anytime my obsession with Lily could consume me while I was high. Anytime, while high and consumed with Lily, I could drink the right mix of alcohol, or add in the right amount of other drugs. Anytime, I could break her and walk away without even the memory as a punishment…

I needed to see the pictures and video of Emmy’s injuries. I needed to see how big of a monster I really was. The guilt and shame I felt needed to be bigger and run deeper. I lost Emmy for what I did to her beautiful soul, but I was otherwise unpunished. Even a meeting with Luke in Chicago didn’t punish me even half as much as I needed to be punished. I needed to feel the pain I inflicted and I don’t think I experienced even a fraction of it yet, but I knew I would when the pictures were in my hands, and when I had to leave Lily. Even then I wasn’t sure if that would be enough.

I got into bed with Lily and curled my arms around her, sucking up every second I had left.

~~~

“We’re going home,” I said, as I stuffed Lily’s clothes in her suitcase.

“What? Why?” she stared at me from the bathroom doorway.

Her face was red and blotchy from puking and her shorts were noticeably bigger on her because of the few pounds she had lost in only two days.

“We still have three more days,” she said, stepping into the room.

“You’re not getting any better. You need to see a doctor.”

“It’s just food poisoning,” she argued.

“Food poisoning can be dangerous,” I reminded her. “And no one else got sick, just you. Maybe you’re having an allergic reaction to something.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Lily,” I said in warning.

“But…” she said. Her chest began to rise and fall a little faster. “This could be…”

I knew what she was trying to say. This could be it. This could be our last little bit of time together and I was about to take it away by taking her home. Knowing there was a breakup on the horizon was taking a toll on Lily. I didn’t tell her a when or a where. Though I knew it was a matter of days, I tried to give her the impression that it could be months, years, or never, but she wasn’t stupid. She felt that something was really wrong.

“Listen,” I said, holding on to her. “You have to stop worrying about that. I was just trying to deal with my own insecurities, okay? You’re very ill and you need medical attention – at home. Okay?”

Reluctantly, she nodded. I kissed her gently. She tasted like toothpaste and mouthwash, which she was getting plenty of over the last couple of days.

At the airport after check-in, I made Lily sit down at our gate while I went to buy her a couple of magazines and some crackers and juice. When I returned, she was standing up (damn it) and talking to a man and a woman. As I got closer, I recognized the man from the beach a few nights ago, the man who I swore was trying to pick up my girl, but now he had his arm around this other woman. Then again, that didn’t mean much, after considering my situation with Emmy and Jess.

“Kyle,” Lily said excitedly as I approached. “You remember Michael,” she said. “This is his
fiancée
Melanie.”

“You decided to say yes, then,” I said, trying to be cool, trying to really give a fuck about the strangers before me. I put the magazines and food down in a chair.

Melanie looked embarrassed as she looked up at her future husband. “I still can’t believe he told a complete stranger, but yes. I said yes. Both of my parents have been married
three
times. Of course I was reluctant to get married.”

I nodded as if I understood and cared. Lily laced her fingers with mine as she listened to the couple chatter about what happened after Michael returned to their bungalow. Finally, the couple made a show about not missing their flight to Hawaii. Apparently they extended their vacation so that they could get hitched in Hawaii.

“Good luck with everything,” Michael said as he hugged Lily. Of course “everything” meant me.

I shook his hand and then Melody’s or Melanie – whatever. They started to walk away, but then Melanie had to turn around and totally rock my whole fucking world.

“I hope you feel better, Lily. You know what?” she said thoughtfully. “It may not be food poisoning at all.” With a shrug and then a wink, she said “Maybe you’re just pregnant.”

I cursed under my breath.

Lily passed out.

Twenty-three hours after we left Tahiti, Kyle and I stumbled into the penthouse exhausted, with our nerves worn thin. We left the luggage by the front door and walked wearily up the stairs. I kicked off my shoes and headed towards the bed, but Kyle started stripping out of his clothes as he headed towards the bathroom.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said. "Do you want to join me?"

I wanted to say yes, but he looked like he was hoping I'd say no.

I shook my head. "No, unless you think I stink."

He walked over to the bed, gloriously naked, and bent over me. His nose nuzzled my neck, making me squirm a little bit.

“Hmm,” he murmured. “I’m not sure…I should test taste to be sure…” his tongue eased across my jugular. “Mmm…sweet sweat and day old soap.”

I smacked his arm as he pulled away chuckling.

“I don’t care,” I pouted. “I’m not moving off of this bed.”

“Maybe I can have you moving across the bed when I come back,” he said wriggling his eyebrows before disappearing into the bathroom.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket to return my mother's ten phone calls. Honestly, I didn't know when she was going to get it - that I would eventually return her call. She didn't have to call me twice an hour for five hours.

My finger was poised to return the call when "Mom" lit up on my phone. Seriously, this was out of hand.

"Mom, you don't have to call me a million times - I was in the air most of the day," I said in lieu of a hello.

"For once, could you think of s
omeone else besides yourself," my sister shouted into the phone.

I was so stunned to hear her voice I couldn't immediately speak.

"Mom had a heart attack, Lily,” she said frantically. “She's in the hospital - I can't get to her and they won't tell me anything over the phone. Shawna and Cliff were on vacation in Florida. They're driving back now but it will still be hours before they get here to stay with the kids." Her frantic speech gave way to sobs. "Her heart wasn't beating when they took her out of the house. They were doing CPR.”

Sometime after the words heart attack, I had gotten out of bed and slipped on my shoes, though I don’t remember doing it.

“I will be there as soon as I can,” I said, wiping away tears. “If you hear anything, call me.”

“Okay,” she sniffed.

I hung up the phone and rushed into the bathroom. I started to call out to Kyle, but then I saw him. He was standing under the water with his hands locked at the back of his neck, making his hard muscles in his chest and arms bulge. His eyes were closed, his forehead was creased with worry, and his mouth was set in a frown. He looked so troubled…haunted…and helpless. I needed him, but he needed…I don’t know, but it wasn’t me that he needed right then. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be what he needed. If he was sure that he needed me as much as he wanted me, he would have been able to see a future for us. I would have been enough to chase away his insecurities, but I wasn’t.

To add to an already complicated matter, I was pregnant. As soon as we landed in L.A., we found a store in the airport that actually sold pregnancy tests. When the pink plus sign appeared on the pee stick, I had sat in the stall crying softly for twenty minutes before Kyle sent a female security guard in to look for me. He had an initial surprised reaction but after that he wore a good poker face, until now, when he thought he was away from my watchful eyes.

I started to back away, but he must have sensed my movement because he suddenly looked up at me. He blinked a couple of times until his eyes focused and then his expression became concerned.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick again?” he asked, wiping water out of his eyes.

“I have to go to Ohio,” I said, using my arm to wipe my face clear of tears. “My mom had a heart attack. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone – I don’t even know if she’s okay yet.”

Kyle immediately shut off the shower and rushed out of the stall to wrap a towel around his waist.

“I’ll go downstairs and find us a flight,” he said, touching my cheek.

“No,” I said before I could think about it.

Kyle looked at me with confusion. “What do you mean no?”

“You stay here,” I said as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I’ll go alone.”

“Lily, you’ve been sick and you’re…” His voice trailed off as he let his eyes drop to my abdomen. “I don’t want you to go alone.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “I’m not feeble. I haven’t lost my ability to walk and operate like a normal human being.”

Frustrated, he put a hand in his wet hair. “You passed out yesterday. You can’t keep anything down and you haven’t had any real sleep in over twenty-four hours. I’m not letting you travel alone.”

“You need some time alone,” I spoke with honesty. “You need to digest…everything…and frankly so do I.”

“You think now is a good time to spend some time apart?” he asked dubiously.

I pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes, trying to hold my tears in and trying not to scream. “Please! I don’t have a lot of time, Kyle. I don’t even know if my mother is dead or alive right now. Please don’t make this any harder!”

After a moment, Kyle sighed. “Okay. I’ll go book a flight for you.” I felt his lips on the top of my head. “Get whatever you need packed into a carryon bag to speed up the process.”

I dropped my hands to my sides and nodded. Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I followed him out of the bathroom. I went into my room, which had just become my own personal
closet after that first week, and retrieved a bag I could carry on to the plane. I went downstairs to my suitcase and carelessly dug out the things I needed, leaving an ungodly mess of clothes in my wake. As I was zipping up my bag, the front door opened and Corsey walked in.

“Hi, Lily,” he said with a short wave.

“Hey,” I said, hanging my head so he wouldn’t see me crying like a fucking baby.

With a thick manila envelope in his hand, he turned away from me and headed down the hall to Kyle’s office. I wondered what was in the envelope, but then figured it was probably more crap on Vic. I wish I was privy to the information; then again I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know how deeply his insanity ran.

Corsey and Kyle stayed in his office for another five minutes. Corsey gave me a short wave before leaving, but thankfully didn’t linger. Kyle trailed out a moment later looking grim.

“The flight leaves in three hours,” he said distractedly. “I’m going to fly to Columbus with you and make sure you’re safely on your way and then I’ll fly home.”

“I’ll be safely on my way once I step on the airplane,” I said, watching him carefully.

What the hell bad news had Corsey brought to him?

“I’m not giving you an option, Lily,” he said, holding the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

I said nothing as I turned away from him to head back upstairs, but he grabbed my elbow a little rougher than necessary. I looked at his hand on me and then at his angry yet sorrowful eyes.

“Why don’t you want me to go? Why do you want to be away from me so badly?”

“You have made it pretty clear that we don’t have a future together,” I said with my voice trembling. “I’m trying to soften the blow I’m bound to have.”

He softened and the grip on my elbow slacked. He cupped my face with his hands and said “That’s the last thing you should be worried about right now.”

When I should have pulled away, I allowed him to press his lips to mine with a sweet, but sad kiss. He continued to hold my face where he wanted to as the kiss changed from sweet to needy. Kyle’s tongue searched for my own and when I gave it to him he sighed and moaned lightly into my mouth as if I had just given him the one thing that he had been desperate for. It made me feel needed, though not in the way I had hoped for, but I took it anyway.

I rested my hands on his hips as Kyle laced his fingers into my hair, angling my head so that he could kiss me deeper. His tongue tasted mine, flicking over my tongue ring, stroking along the sides of the muscle, as his breathing changed, deepened and quickened. Keeping his hands in my hair and his mouth on mine, he walked us over to the couch. His hands released my hair, slid down my back and cupped my ass. He pressed my body to his, allowing me to feel how aroused he was. I wrapped my hands around his neck as he lowered me to the couch, his tongue continuously enjoying my mouth. He settled over me, bracing himself with one arm so that he wouldn’t put all of his body weight on me. That was never a problem before. In the past, Kyle would crush me with his weight while we were copulating, and I loved feeling his body on mine, possessing me, but now he was probably just as scared as I was to do that.

Kyle reluctantly detached his mouth from mine and gazed down at me. His lips were just as swollen as mine felt from kissing. I slowly dragged two fingers across his mouth.

“I love you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “You have revived something in me that I thought was gone and dead. You don’t just make me feel alive, but you make me feel like I am
living
.”

I gripped his face in my hands and lifted my head to plant kisses on his lips and face.

“Then don’t you ever let me go,” I said, but I couldn’t keep the pleading out of my voice, nor could I keep the tears from falling from my eyes. I felt like multiple worlds were teetering, ready to come crashing down at me at the same time.

“I’ll do what I have to do to keep you safe,” Kyle said as he struggled to emotionally pull away from me again.

“Damn it, Kyle!” I held his head still, made him look at me. “Safe from whom?”

“Me.”

“I’m safe
with
you,” I said.

Kyle took a deep breath before h
e spoke and I felt as if an impending doom was about to drop on me.

“Before we left for Bora Bora, I realized that I could get photographic evidence of what I did to Emmy. I requested it. That’s why Corsey was here. He brought it to me.”

I froze. I wasn’t sure I was really hearing him correctly. I played his words over in my head until there was no way I could misunderstand what he was really saying.

“Did you see them?” I asked hesitantly.

“No. Not yet.”

“Don’t
ever
look,” I pleaded. “You’re the only one still suffering for this and it’s time to let it go.”

“I can’t let it go,” he snapped at me, but then briefly closed his eyes to regain his composure. “That can be you – today, tomorrow, next year.”

“But-”

“Don’t be naïve, Lily,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m a fucking meth head. I can relapse
any
time.”

“But you haven’t!” I shouted. “And you won’t.”

“How do you know I haven’t?” he asked so steadily, that I jolted back away from him and pulled my hands away from his face as if it was too hot to hold.

“When?” I whispered.

“Right before you came to work for the company, right after Emmy left,” he said, trying to appear nonchalant, but I could see his shame in his eyes.

“That was several months ago,” I said, shaking my head. “You’ve been clean since then.”

“Are you sure about that?” he whispered, but he did it in a way to taunt me.

I hesitated before asking my next question. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know the answer. “Did you do it again?”

His eyes were pained when he spoke again. “No, but the craving is so damn strong I’m not sure I can resist it.”

“Because of those fucking pictures!” I screamed vehemently, surprising even myself. I shoved him hard, but he didn’t move off of me. “Why did you have to go
looking
for pain?” I cried. “Why couldn’t you just be fucking
happy
?”

“I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, Lily! History is bound to repeat itself – I
needed
to do this!”

I cried uncontrollably now. This was too much. Kyle was looking for the one thing that could tear us apart. His drug problem was possibly taking over his life. He couldn’t stop punishing himself for what he did to Emmy and he was afraid he’d do it to me and
our baby
next. On top of it all, my mother was laid up in some hospital struggling for her life or already dead. I felt completely helpless to help her, completely helpless to convince Kyle that he deserves to be happy, and I was scared shitless that I would lose another baby, except this time I’d be completely alone.

Kyle got up and attempted to scoop me into his arms, but I fought him off of me, punching, slapping, and shrieking at him until he stood back and away from me. I got up off of the couch and moved away from him, trying not to stumble into any furniture as my tears blinded me.

“Lily,” I heard him say my name, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry.”

I pulled a pair of flip flops out of my suitcase, slipped them on my feet and then picked up my carryon bag.

“What are you doing?” Kyle asked, beside me.

I ignored him as I picked my pocketbook up off of the floor. I checked my pocket to be sure I had my phone and started for the door. Kyle grabbed my elbow, rough and unyielding as he spun me around to face him.