Who I Am (12 page)

Well, it's all settled. The four of us (Beanie, Anna, Jenny, and me) are all going to visit the campus next week. Anna and I had to get Monday and Tuesday off from work, but we think it'll be worth it. We leave on Sunday and I'll drive. My parents were sort of glad that I was getting so interested in college, but I could tell they were concerned that it would probably be too expensive. My dad mentioned my puny college fund several times, like he was trying to give me a hint. I'm sure they're all worried that I'll get my hopes up and end up being disappointed. But I reminded them of the Jabez prayer and how God is big enough to do anything, and that seemed to quiet them down for the time being.

Now, here's a bit of news that I'm supposed to keep under my hat but has really got me wondering. It seems that Joel has suddenly taken an interest in Anna! She told me this on our way home from work tonight, making me promise not to tell anyone (especially Beanie). Apparently Joel's been calling her lately (first because he was lonely and missing Beanie), but now she's really hoping he'll ask her out before too long. She says they mostly just talk about what God's doing in their lives, and he told her about how hurt he was when Beanie broke up with him. But according to Anna, he understands Beanie's reasoning and respects her for it. And I suppose that's what has me wondering. I mean, if Joel understands why Beanie broke up (and respects her for it), then why does he (seemingly) want to jump into another dating relationship with Anna? And what's the big hurry?

I know, I know, it's none of my business. But Anna is my friend. And for that matter Joel is too. But I really don't want to see Anna get hurt. She's never really dated before, and she seems to be kind of vulnerable. I mean, she reminds me of Beanie in that way–she's never had a dad. Even though she acts tough sometimes, she's really pretty insecure, and I know how much it would mean to her to have a guy (especially a cool, smart guy like Joel) really like her. I wanted to warn her or something, but then I remembered how badly I blew it with Beanie and Jenny in this area, and I hate to do the same thing all over again with Anna. So I guess I'll just bide my time and pray for her and see what happens
next. Still, keeping this news from Beanie won't be easy. Man, I wish we could all just be friends and hang together without this stupid dating thing always messing people up.

Yeah, here I go being all judgmental again! And to be fair, it actually seems that Jenny and Trent are doing okay these days. They don't seem terribly serious and they only go out occasionally, plus they don't even seem to be as clingy as they did right at first. I mean, a lot of couples are totally inseparable these days, like they're joined at the hip and would die if they had to be apart. But Trent and Jenny seem more mature lately. They kind of come and go–like they're giving each other space. And I've noticed they're not so touchy and kissy anymore either. It's like they're handling their relationship in a more grown-up way. And fortunately Trent still comes to youth group sometimes, and he still seems mildly interested in finding out more about God. But at the same time, it's like he keeps this distance too. In a way, he's kind of mysterious. But I keep praying that he'll discover God for himself and give up his silly atheistic beliefs altogether.

It's funny because ever since I discovered that I can't really talk to Beanie and Jenny (and now maybe even Anna) about my concerns over dating and this whole girl-guy relationship thing, it's become the major topic of conversation in my e-mail with Josh. But he still seems really interested and understands how it can be pretty frustrating. And he usually has something helpful
to say. Other than that Anita girl he took to the Valentine's Day dance, he's been avoiding dating altogether too. Although he does admit to doing things in groups with girls and occasionally having coffee with a girl just to chat–but nothing serious. And now I'm thinking that sounds pretty good and makes sense. I mean, I hardly think God wants me to just completely avoid the opposite sex altogether–like they've got cooties or something. Now
that
would be pretty weird. So I'm trying to be more open-minded about these things. And while I know I don't want to get involved in any serious dating, I think I could lighten up a little too. Maybe that's what Jenny and Beanie were trying to tell me a few months back. But I suppose I was just too zealous to listen. Anyway, it feels like I'm growing up–just a little, maybe. Still, I want to make sure I'm hearing God and not just myself.

It's our second day here on campus and I absolutely love it! There are all these really cool old brick buildings (with actual ivy climbing up the walls) and lots of big, old trees and grassy lawns and flowers everywhere. They even have a huge pond where you can rent canoes. And then there's this little town right within walking distance with all these great little shops and delis and coffeehouses. And the campus housing seems pretty nice too, although the rooms are a little small (two to a room), and I'm rooming with Anna right now. (Beanie was a little put out, but I had already promised Anna I would.) And now I'm REALLY praying that God will work everything out so I can come here next fall. I know it's a long shot, but I think God likes long shots. And I'm more than willing to give Him a try. The other girls really love it here too. And I think Jenny's already pretty sure she'll be coming (money's not really an object for her). But knowing that she may be here
really
makes me want to come even more. (Although I realize that's not enough of a reason to come–but I'm trusting God will lead me.)

We got to go to a concert last night. There's this Christian rock band that goes to college here–they've even made one CD. And they were really good, and man, we had such a blast. It felt like we were grown-ups. I know that sounds silly, but I can safely say it in the privacy of my own diary. I mean, we just hung out as late as we wanted (after the concert we went to the coffee
shop) and then walked back to the dorm and sat up and talked even longer before we finally went to bed. Then today we got up and had a tour of the academic side of things (which was equally impressive). I think the two main reasons we all like this place so much is because it's a Christian college and it's small enough that we don't feel completely overwhelmed.

What a stressed-out trip home! Three and a half hours in a car with two girls who acted as though they hated each other–or maybe it was me they were feeling so hostile toward. Okay, let me explain. As it turns out, Joel did ask Anna out (apparently he called before we left on Sunday and invited her to go to a movie after we got back), and naturally she agreed. Only today she got all wigged-out when we didn't leave right at three o'clock sharp (as originally planned) because she was afraid we wouldn't make it back in time. As a result she was pushing me to hurry it up a little as I was loading the car. Well, I thought it was only Anna and me out there in the parking lot, so I stupidly said, “Sheesh, Anna, it's not like Joel won't wait a couple minutes–”

“Joel?” echoed Beanie's voice as she shoved her bag into my trunk.

I turned and made what I'm sure must've been a real give-away face. “Uh, no, I mean–”

“Oh, give it up, Cate.” Beanie just rolled her eyes at
me. Then she shrugged like she didn't care. “Hey, it's no big deal if Joel wants to take Anna out.”

Then Anna glared desperately at me and I didn't know what to say.

“Don't worry about it, Anna,” said Beanie real casual-like. “I mean, it's a free country, isn't it? And besides, I'm the one who dumped Joel in the first place.” But I could tell by the way she said it she was feeling hurt (and I'd never heard her use the word
dump
before, at least not in regard to Joel).

I noticed Anna stiffen at Beanie's show of indifference. “Well, you don't have to make it sound as if he's just your old castoff, Beanie.” Anna folded her arms across her chest as if bracing herself for Beanie's reaction.

But Beanie just shrugged again. “That's not what I meant. But then again, you might've thought that Joel would have waited just a little. I mean, he seemed so hurt and everything–but then again maybe this is just a rebound romance for him.” And she really put the emphasis on
rebound
.

Well, I could tell right then that Anna really didn't appreciate that little comment, and I didn't especially think it was necessary either. Not to mention it was just a tad bit spiteful on Beanie's part. So trying to avoid further confrontation, I waved to Jenny who was just coming toward us, and then I suggested we get in the car and get going. Jenny was all smiley and hopped right into the front seat, totally unaware as to what had just
transpired between Anna and Beanie, who were both still standing outside.

“Hey, you guys don't mind if I ride shotgun, do you?” she asked as she stowed her backpack at her feet. “I mean, I got kinda carsick coming up here in the backseat on Sunday.”

Beanie and Anna mumbled something then climbed into the backseat. (I'm sure with a good chilly four feet of space between them.) And Jenny started chattering away about how she'd just run into one of the guys from the band we saw the other night (the drummer) and how they'd exchanged e-mail addresses and planned to stay in touch. I just listened and nodded and began to drive. But before long Jenny noticed how quiet and cool the passengers in the backseat were acting. So she turned around and looked at them.

“Hey, what's up with you two?”

“Jenny, uh, maybe just–” But I got cut off.

“Why shouldn't Jenny be in on this too?” Beanie demanded in a sharp voice. “Let's not keep the big news from her. You see, Jen, as it turns out I barely break up with Joel and Anna here makes the move on–”

“Hey, that's not fair–” I start, but now Anna interrupts me.

“I can defend myself, Caitlin. And for your information, Beanie, it was Joel who put the move on me!”

“Whatever.” I could hear the edge of tears in Beanie's voice now, and suddenly I realized how much she must really care about Joel.

“Oh, come on, you guys…” I tried.

“Let them work this out for themselves, Caitlin,” said Jenny quietly. “They need to talk this over.”

“I have nothing more to say,” said Beanie. And I could see her stony profile in the rearview mirror, just staring out the side window. And I was afraid she might be crying now (which I knew she would hate).

“Look, Beanie,” said Anna in a softer voice. “I'm really sorry about all this. I didn't mean–”

“Don't be,” snapped Beanie. I know how much she hates it when people feel sorry for her. “Really, it's no big deal.”

“But I don't want it to come between us–”

“Let it go, Anna.” Beanie tried to control her voice. “Look, it's over between me and Joel. Whatever he does now is really none of my business. And I shouldn't have said anything. Okay?” I could tell by the way she said “okay” that she was done talking and didn't want to hear another word about it. So after that I attempted to make small talk with Jenny in the front seat. But it was plain to see that our ride home wasn't going to be anything like the ride there. And it sure wasn't. Finally I just tuned the radio to a Christian rock station, and Jenny turned the sound up loud enough that conversation was pretty much impossible.

I dropped Anna off first, and thankfully Joel wasn't sitting out there in his car waiting for her. I can just imagine how that little scene would make Beanie (and I suppose Anna and Joel) feel. Then I took Jenny home.
After that I invited Beanie out for a cup of coffee hoping we could just talk about it and smooth the whole thing over. But she kept saying everything was okay and that she really didn't want to talk about it anymore. Still, I can tell she's hurting inside. And it makes me feel bad to see her like that. And so, once again, I just have to say that this whole dating thing really makes me mad! As a result I sat down and wrote a long (hopefully not too whiny) e-mail to Josh. I realize it's spring break and he might not even be checking, but it made me feel better to get it off my chest.

Well, totally out of
the blue today, about an hour after lunch, Josh stops by my work and asks if he can buy me a cup of coffee. Well, I try to act like I'm not completely blown away and say, “Sure, that sounds good.” (I guess I'd sort of forgotten it's spring break since my last three days of vacation have been spent working full time–earning lots of money for college…) So anyway we walk down the street to DiMarco's and order cappuccinos and strawberry cheesecake and have this friendly little chat. (Rita generously told me to go ahead and take a long break.)