Who I Am (15 page)

I e-mailed Josh, and without telling him everything (out of respect for Chloe), I let him know that she was really struggling now and could use a lot of prayer. I also plan on inviting my friends to pray for her too.

It seems like things for the fair are still falling pretty much into place. Although Steph told me that one particular church in town doesn't like the idea of a cultural fair and are actually trying to put a stop to it. Now, what's up with that? I mean, what's not to like about it? But Steph said not to worry about them. She said Tony told her that just because people are Christians doesn't mean they always see things the same way. There are bound to be churches that don't agree, but that probably can't really put a stop to the fair. I hope not. I'll be praying that God will work this thing out. Although I'll admit it's hard not to feel really irked and totally dislike that church (Steph wouldn't tell me which one it is), but I keep reminding myself
that God loves all of us, no matter what, even when we don't agree. So I'll try to keep my attitude under control.

Lately, I've been thumbing through the mail pile every evening, hoping that I'll find an acceptance letter from the Christian college, but so far nothing. I suppose it's too soon. But I've heard other seniors at school have gotten acceptance letters–of course, they might've sent their applications in sooner too. The other girls haven't heard anything yet either, which is something of a relief. And Beanie and Anna seem to have patched things up. Beanie is even managing to maintain a friendship with Joel these days. (Although Anna admitted to me, just tonight on the way home from work, that this bothers her some and she feels guilty and stupid for feeling jealous.) I didn't make many comments and tried to act sympathetic, but at the same time I was thinking, Yeah, sure, well that's what comes from getting all romantically involved with a guy when you're still in high school. Like what do you expect? But thankfully I kept these thoughts to myself. Now, I suppose if Anna specifically asked me for advice, I might tell her. But I'm pretty sure she (and everyone else) knows where I stand on this issue, and I don't need to go climbing back on my soapbox again.

I finally e-mailed Josh about the cultural fair, and he thinks it's a super idea. But I didn't tell him it was MY idea. And for some reason
that
made me feel good inside. Why is that? I'm not even sure. But it does. Maybe it's from that Bible verse where Jesus tells us to do our
good deeds in secret so that only God can see, and then
He
can reward us. I'm not totally sure, but it's something I'd have to think about some more. Because I know how I really am deep down inside, and it's not very pretty. The truth is, I really like attention. And I like it when people think I'm really great and that I'm doing good stuff. It's like a big ego trip. But at the same time I know that's not right. And I'd like to change. Maybe I am changing.

Okay, now I'm feeling
a little bummed. Jenny just called, all ecstatic, to tell me she got her acceptance letter from the college today and her mom says she can go. Well, of course, I acted all thrilled and excited for her, but at the same time I was really thinking, Hey, where's my letter? Now, I know that sounds totally selfish and immature, but the truth is, I really wanna go too! Whaa–whaa–whaaaaa! And I'm just not happy at all right now.

Okay, Caitlin, get a grip now, girlfriend! Your letter will be here too. Just take a deep breath now and chill.

Well, I felt a little better after I called Beanie and found out she hadn't gotten a letter either. But then she was sounding all depressed too and I almost wished I hadn't called. (Although I'm sure it was just a matter of time before Jenny did anyway–not that I blame her. I'd
probably do the same if I were in her shoes–and I wish I were in her shoes!)

“I probably won't be able to go anyway,” said Beanie in a quiet voice.

“You don't know that.”

She sighed. “Sometimes you've just got to face reality, Caitlin.”

“But God can do anything.”

“Yeah, I know…” Beanie's voice sounded pretty sad. “And I believe that, but it just doesn't feel like it right now, you know?”

“Beanie, it sounds like you're feeling pretty low. Is everything okay over there?”

Then she told me that her mom was having a hard time again. “I mean, it's not like she's off getting drunk tonight or anything,” she explained. “In fact, she just went to bed ‘with a headache,’ she said. But she seems all negative about everything right now. She says her life is going nowhere, and that she'll never have a good man, and that she's a crummy person, yada, yada, yada,…And anyway I'm getting kind of worried that she'll go back to her old stuff again. I mean, it's like the writing's on the wall or something.”

“Do you want to pray for her right now?” I offered (surprising even myself since I'm still not that comfortable praying where people can hear me). But Beanie agreed and so the two of us prayed together, right over the phone. And it was so cool. Beanie sounded a little better then–more hopeful. I promised to keep praying for Lynn
every day. Before we hung up, I assured Beanie that I believed God would either open or close the door to that college for us and that we could totally trust Him–that He has our absolute best in mind. And that seemed to make her feel better too. I know I feel better now. I'm trying not to feel bad (or jealous) that Jenny got her letter first. Also, I just remembered that she didn't have to apply for any financial aid or anything, so that might've made it quicker.

Chloe called again tonight and she sounded better. She thanked me for talking with her last week and said she'd been thinking about what I'd said but still wasn't too sure about it. Then she got real quiet. To keep the conversation going, I started telling her all about the cultural fair we're planning, and she was really interested. I invited her to help, and she seemed genuinely eager to be involved and wants to come to our next planning meeting. I'm not sure what the church folk will think when they see her clothes and multiple piercings, but then I guess we'll just deal with it at the time. Maybe they'll have to ask themselves, what would Jesus do? However, I know Tony and Steph will be fine with her, and that's reassuring.

Chloe told me that her mom's side of the family is Dutch and that she has a collection of things that her grandma brought her after a trip to Holland. I asked if
she wanted to think about doing a Dutch booth, and she suggested maybe she could sell tulip bouquets, which I told her was absolutely brilliant. So she's going to be looking into that possibility. I really like Chloe and am truly starting to think of her as a little sister. I just hope that she realizes ASAP how much God loves her. It's so hard watching people struggle.

Speaking of struggles, Jenny mentioned that Trent has been kind of depressed lately. She's not really sure why, but she asked us to pray for him. And so we all are. Personally, I think he's depressed because he's trying to live his life pretending that God doesn't exist. Sheesh, that would depress anyone! He still comes to youth group occasionally, but he doesn't seem to get any closer to making a commitment. I actually think (although I wouldn't admit this to anyone) that the only reason he comes is to keep Jenny. I can tell he really likes her, but I'm not sure she's as serious about him. And come to think of it, I suppose that could be depressing him too. Maybe he's afraid he's going to lose her. Well, who knows? Just the same I'll be praying hard. Man, my prayer list just gets longer and longer!

Okay, now I'm feeling really out of it. Both Beanie and Anna have gotten their acceptance letters. And they both got these incredible financial aid packages and good scholarships with the promise of on-campus jobs. I mean, it's like totally amazing! Both of them are flying high right now. And I put on this really great little act, saying how cool it was and how great that God has done this amazing thing–yada, yada, yada–blah, blah, blah,…

I guess I really do feel that way–I mean, I am truly happy for them. But at the same time I feel bummed and really left out. And it was hard not to just break down and cry right there in the cafeteria (which would be totally lame). While I was at work today, I almost called the college to see what was up. But then I told myself to just chill–be patient. I know that good things are worth waiting for. And my letter is probably in the mail right now.

Still, it's hard and I feel like it's unfair. I mean, I'm the one who was first interested in that college, and I helped get everyone else all involved, and now I have to be the last one to hear. And yet, I feel pretty certain I'll be accepted. My GPA is a little higher than Jenny's and Anna's (not Beanie's though). And I did write a pretty
good essay (if I do say so myself, plus I did win that writing award last year). So anyway, I guess I need to chill out and trust that God knows what He's doing. And just now I'm remembering a certain Bible verse that tells us to be glad when we get tested (and that's what this feels like) because our faith gets stronger with each test. So tonight I'll go to sleep believing that my letter will be here soon and that God has everything under control. Ahh, I feel better already.

Well, my acceptance letter arrived today. And at first I was jumping up and down ecstatic to read it–because the first line said “Congratulations, you've been accepted…” But as I read more carefully, I quickly realized that I was getting absolutely
no
financial aid–zippo, nothing, nada! (Apparently my parents make just enough money
not
to qualify!) And while I did get a nice little scholarship package, I didn't think it was enough to cover the difference. Still I decided to check with my parents just in case.

Anyway, at dinner tonight, I announced that I'd been accepted and then raised the money issue, explaining how I didn't qualify for any financial aid. And that's when Dad said that's how it goes with a lot of families these days. “I know lots of parents who make too much money to get financial aid but not enough to afford private school tuition.” And then he (nicely) assured me that we certainly couldn't afford that kind of tuition either. “I sure wish we could, Caitlin,” he said apologetically. “And I'm sorry we didn't put away more money for your college earlier on. But at least we put away some. And I know you can go to the university with no problem whatsoever. We can cover that.”

“I know you're disappointed, honey,” my mom said in this sweet, tentative voice, like she thought I was going to start blubbering like a baby or something. “But remember it's not like you won't be able to go to school at all. At least you've still got the university, and it's a great school. You know, Dad and I both went there.”

“I know.” I forked into my salad, determined not to actually cry in front of my family (especially my brother Benjamin). I wanted to appear mature and grown-up about the whole thing.

“And I know it must be hard to see your friends all going there,” began my mom. “But you know their circumstances are different. Jenny's folks are wealthy, and well, Beanie and Anna are in perfect situations to get really good financial aid, and–”

“Let's not talk about it anymore,” I said, trying to
swallow a bite of salad over the lump growing steadily larger in my throat.

Then my dad jumped in again, trying to put a positive spin on the whole thing. “Maybe God has a reason for having you go to the university–”

“I just don't want to talk about it.” But it was too late now. The tears were already streaming down my face. “Excuse me!” I blurted. And then (yes, just like a baby) I ran up to my room and threw myself across the bed and sobbed. Pretty silly, huh? But I just feel so let down. I mean, I was believing in some really big things from God. I was telling my friends to believe big things too. And now this! I feel so humiliated. It's like God ripped the rug right out from under me! And it just doesn't feel fair!!!

At least I have the weekend to recover from my disappointment. I finally called my friends and told them the sad news, and they were all totally sympathetic and
couldn't believe it. Beanie actually said she wouldn't go if I couldn't go, but I told her she HAD to go. Her only other real option would be community college, and the private college would be soooo much better. She said she'd think about it, but I could tell she was really upset (and I suppose that made me feel better–a real friend should be upset).