Who I Am (9 page)

“What does that mean?” Ben's voiced cracked and his eyes were huge. “Is that cancer?”

Just hearing Ben say that word sent real shivers down my back. “Is it cancer, Tony?”

“They'll send a sample out for a biopsy, but Steph said the doctor felt pretty sure it was benign.”

“What's benign?” demanded poor Ben.

“It means it's not cancer,” I said quickly. “Right, Tony?”

He nodded. “But they can't say for sure, and she may still need some treatments. They'll want to check her thoroughly to make sure she's clean throughout.”

“Poor Mom,” said Ben.

I put my arm around his sagging shoulders, noticing suddenly how wide they were getting to be. “She's going to be okay, Ben,” I assured my little brother. Then we all three sat around the kitchen table and prayed for her for a while. By the time I drank my cocoa, it was scummy on the top and barely warm.

Then Aunt Steph called, and I asked her if I should come over to the hospital, but she said that Mom was just sleeping soundly now and would probably rest better knowing we were all safe at home.

I don't know where the phone number for Dad is, but he'll be flying out early in the morning. I guess he'll just have to hear about all this when he gets here.

But now it's after two, and I'm exhausted and have decided to just pray for my mom until I fall asleep, then I'll go over first thing in the morning.

Today has been
really weird. It's like I'm seeing everything through a different set of eyes or something. When I went to visit Mom this morning, I felt kind of off balance, like maybe the earth had rocked off its axis or something. I mean, it was so strange to see Mom just lying in the bed, looking so helpless and fragile. I kept expecting her to pop up and ask me what I wanted for breakfast (which I forgot to eat by the way). Anyway, she had on one of those awful hospital gowns in the most noxious shade of blue, with an IV tube sticking out of her arm. And I've never been one to like hospitals in the first place, but it made me feel just horrible to see her like that. Fortunately, Ben handled the whole thing surprisingly well; he even cracked a couple of totally lame jokes that actually made her smile, but I could tell she was still in pain. I just wished Dad would hurry up and get home. I'd left him a BIG note on the kitchen table telling him to
call and come right over ASAP.

It wasn't too long before Steph stopped by. She'd taken the morning off, and, after dropping Oliver at nursery school, came in to check on things. I was so relieved to see her, mostly because I didn't know exactly what to say to Mom. I mean, I didn't know if I should mention the baby, or if that would make her feel worse. In some ways it felt like déjà vu. (You know, where it seems like you've done this exact thing before.) And suddenly I remembered how helpless I'd felt when Beanie lost her baby. But then that was so totally different. Still I was feeling this familiar feeling of guilt, like maybe if I had wanted that baby more, then this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Now I know it sounds crazy and egocentric and just totally ridiculous, but that's honestly how I felt. And as a result, I was feeling even worse for Mom. It's like I was ready to do anything to turn back the clock and make this all work out right for her.

So I went down to the lobby and just sat there and prayed and prayed–asking God to heal her so that she could get pregnant again and have that baby that she'd been so excited about. I was really feeling hopeful about the whole thing too, thinking this could turn out to be a really miraculous thing. Then Steph came down and met me in the lobby.

“Did Tony tell you everything?” she asked, her eyes shadowed with concern.

“Uh, yeah, I think so.” I tried to remember his exact words. “He said she had a tumor, but that it had been
removed, and that it was probably benign, but they'd send it to be checked anyway. He sounded like everything would be okay. It will, won't it?”

“Yeah, sure. But it's a little more involved than that. Your mom had to have a complete hysterectomy. And I think she's still feeling pretty upset about it.”

I nodded dumbly.

“You understand that that means she won't be able to have a baby, don't you?”

I nodded again, although I hadn't been completely sure.

“And even though she says things like she's really too old to be having a baby, I still think she's taking it a lot harder than she's letting on.”

“That sounds pretty much like Mom.”

“And it's hard for me to be that much comfort to her, because here I am pregnant, you know?”

“Yeah, I can understand.”

“So you might need to be the strong one here, Cate.”

I swallowed hard, holding back new tears. “Sure, I can try to do that.” I was afraid to tell Steph how I'd just been praying for Mom to be completely healed–afraid that I'd burst into tears if I admitted how I'd just felt so certain that everything would be fine and Mom would have her baby by this time next year. And to be honest, I felt a little disappointed in God too.

So Steph took Ben back to school, assuring him that everything was going to be okay, and I stayed with Mom until Dad got there around two o'clock. And it sounds
bizarre, but it feels like I aged several years during those few hours. It's not like Mom and I talked that much or anything, but just being there and trying to be helpful and encouraging to her–it's like we'd switched roles. It was so weird. And I thought maybe that's why Beanie seems older a lot of the time, since she and her mom had switched roles so much over the years. But still it was weird.

And I can't remember when I've been so glad to see Dad. It's like he just swooped right in and knew exactly what to do. Without even taking off his coat, he wrapped his arms around my mom and she just started to sob. (I'm pretty sure he was crying too.) And seeing them there together like that just seemed so right, and so I slipped out. I'll admit I felt a little displaced for a moment or two, but mostly I felt relieved, like a heavy stone had been lifted off my chest. Just the same, I had to stop in the bathroom and wipe the tears off my face again.

Amazingly, I went ahead and went to work, stopping by the school first so I could pick up Anna. When I didn't show up at school, apparently she'd been pretty worried that something was wrong and then called my house to find nobody home. And she seemed genuinely saddened and concerned when I told her what had happened to Mom. When I dropped Anna home, she promised to be praying for Mom and the rest of us. I appreciated that.

Mom's doing better, but I think she's depressed. And she won't be able to return to work for a few weeks. As a result, Ben and I are trying to be really helpful around the house. But it's like somebody put a damper of sadness around the whole place, like we're all sort of tiptoeing around and acting all polite and nice and just plain different. I'm sure it'll all go back to normal in time, but it makes me realize how much better I like it the other way. My dad's been coming home earlier too (bringing work home with him). And somehow I think my parents have gotten closer because of all this. Yet at the same time, I'm feeling a little on the outside these days. And I think Ben is too. So I'm trying to be a better sister. I even invited him to Friday's basketball game and told him he
can invite a couple of buddies if he wants. He seemed to think that was pretty cool, and it was nice to see him smile again. All things considered, he's a good little brother.

Today when I dropped Anna home from work, she invited me to come up and see where she lives. “Are you sure?” I asked thinking maybe it'd be better if I just got home so I could help get dinner started.

Her eyes brightened. “Yes, I think I can handle it now. If you have time, that is.”

“Sure,” I said, thinking maybe this was more important than I realized. “But maybe I should call Ben and tell him I'll be a few minutes late.”

So I followed her up the narrow stairway bracing myself for a situation similar to Beanie's old home but then felt surprised and initially dismayed when Anna unlocked and opened the door to a fairly normal looking apartment. Sure, it was small and cramped, but it was all very neat and clean. In fact, with all the doilies and crocheted afghans on the chairs and
sofa, it reminded me of when I was a little girl and visited my great-grandma's house before she passed away.

“This is nice,” I told Anna as I glanced around.

“Where's your mom?”

“She works late tonight.”

I knew that her mom was a cook in a restaurant downtown and had slightly unpredictable hours.

“Do you want to sit down and have a soda?”

“Sure, let me call Ben first.” I could tell by the way Anna was acting that having someone over was new to her, and she seemed pretty nervous. So I made my call and sat down before she came back with two glasses of Coke over ice.

“I don't see why you were so worried about this place.” I waved my hand around. “It's really nice and neat and–” I ran out of words.

“And it looks like a little granny's house,” she finished, eyeing me carefully.

“Well, I have to admit it reminded me of my great-grandman's place. But there's noting wrong with that.”

She rolled her eyes. “I suppose not. But Jewel's the only one I've ever had over, and she just loves to make fun of everything. And, well…”

“That's hard, isn't it?”

“Yeah. I mean, I know it shouldn't be a big deal. My mom works really hard at her job, and she tries to make this place nice. I should be grateful. But sometimes I just want to run away. Isn't that awful?”

I laughed. “I think God must've made us like that on purpose.”

“Huh?”

“Well, we're almost old enough to live away from home, and it seems like the closer it gets, the more ready we are–like young birdies ready to ditch the old nest.”

“I suppose.” She sipped her Coke.

“How old is your mom?” I'm not even sure why I asked, but the words were out before I had a chance to stop them.

“Well, she's not actually my mom.” Anna lowered her voice as if the walls were listening. “She's really my grandma, but my mom left me with her when I was a baby. I've always called her Mom, and she seems just like my mom. But she's sixty-three-a little old to be my mom.”

“I bet that's almost how old my mom would've been–I mean, if her baby had lived and grown up to be our age.”

Anna nodded. “Well, as much as I love Mom, I have to admit there were times I was embarrassed by her age. I used to wish I had a young mom. Even though Jewel's mom is a real mess, sometimes I'd get jealous of her–they seem pretty close, you know.”

“That's probably not so unusual. I'll bet most kids are ashamed of their parents from time to time–no matter how cool or young they appear to be. I know Beanie's been totally humiliated by her mom, like zillions of times.”

“At least my mom's never done anything to embarrass me. I mean, she can't help how old she is. And most of the time I don't even think about it. It's only when I'm around
other kids. Maybe that's why I've kept to myself so much.”

“That's too bad.” I set down my empty glass. “Because you've got a lot to offer, and I suspect your mom does too.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I've been thinking about inviting her to come to church.”

“Oh, you should do that!”

She nodded. “Well, I'll pray about it.”

I promised to pray about it too, but then figured I'd better go. “I'd stay longer, Anna,” I said as I opened the door. “But you know how it is at my house. I need to help out more right now. But when things get better, I want to come over and meet your mom and everything.”

Her eyes lit up. “Great. I've told Mom a lot about you, and she wants to meet you too. She still can't understand why a cool white girl wants to be my friend.”

I laughed. “Cool white girl? What made her think that?”

“Oh, I told her you were pretty cool. But I also told her you were nice and that you were a Christian who takes her faith seriously. That seemed to answer her questions–well, mostly anyway.”

“Well, I can't wait to meet her now. And I'll be praying that she wants to come to church.”

Well, we sure had some fireworks tonight. And for a few minutes it got kind of scary too. You see, after the basketball game some of us were just standing ground the gym, talking and celebrating our win and waiting for
the guys to shower and come out. (Since I had driven Beanie, I had to wait to see if she was riding home with me or Joel.) Then suddenly Natala walks right up to Beanie and just starts laying into her. Of course, everyone's aware that Natala's been in a pretty gnarly mood ever since Jamal broke up with her to start taking out Jewel. (Natala's been calling Jewel the “wetback tramp,” which is ridiculous since, a according to Anna, Jewel's family has lived in this country for generations.) But anyway, for some reason, Natala sets her sites on poor Beanie tonight.

“What'cha trying to do anyway?” Natala snipes right into Beanie's face. “Who you think you are, missy?”

With wide eyes Beanie tries to step back, but Natala grabs her by the arm.

“Don't you be running from me when I'm talking to you, girl!”