When He Cheatin' and You Still Love Him 2 (4 page)

My ex, Daniel Wade, and I used to always talk about getting married when we were younger. We planned to have children, raise a family and grow old together. This dream continued as we grew older, and by the time we graduated high school, we were both excited for our future together. We both ended up attending the same college, and at first everything was great between the two of us. Then months in I noticed that our plans, and all the things that we’d talked about were not as much of a priority to him as they were for me. While I was planning weddings and baby showers in my head, Daniel was more focused on vacationing all around the world. His explanation of his sudden change of heart was the fact that he wanted us to get married and travel first. That way we could fully enjoy each other before the children came along. That was total bullshit to me, and I quickly let him know that. Apparently, me pushing the issue of us following our previous plans scared him, and as soon as our junior year started he broke up with me.

I was heartbroken, and couldn’t believe that the man who had promised that we would spend the rest of our lives together had dumped me. Those feelings multiplied when I found out that almost immediately after our break-up, Daniel hooked up with my roommate’s best friend. I couldn’t believe that he would stoop so low. With all of the girls at our school, he just had to pick the one that I had to see on a daily basis. Just seeing them around campus smiling and holding hands had me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t like I could go to any of my friends and vent because all of my friends were back home. I didn’t have any at school other than this guy named Mike that I grew up with, and he was busy most of the time getting into shit with his other friends, so I couldn’t really talk to him. Most of the girls on campus didn’t like me because they believed that I thought I was better than them because my family had a little bit of money, but that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t that I thought I was better than them, it was just the fact that I had better things to do than to party and fuck random fraternity boys like they did.

Anyways, Daniel’s disrespect spread around the University quickly, and before I knew it, I was the laughing stock of the school. Everybody thought it was funny to know that some financial aid having, cheap clothes wearing, below average looking freshman had stolen the stuck-up little rich girl’s man. Daniel didn’t make it any better because he flaunted that bitch around the school like she was royalty. He knew that shit hurt me, and he didn’t even care. After a few weeks of feeling like crap, I had quickly grown tired of being the laughing stock and decided to do something about it. I made plans to let them both know that I wasn’t going to be played with.

I began to follow Daniel everywhere he went, and whenever I would catch them together, I’d act a damn fool. From popping up at a restaurant and cutting up, too dragging her out of his car at the drive-in and beating her ass, I did it all. After a few altercations with the two of them—and me basically making their lives a living hell—they broke up. I guess the bitch got tired of all the drama that came along with dating a guy who clearly belonged to someone else. I wasn’t done by a long shot, though, and Daniel soon found that out when I did the same thing to the next chick and the one after that and the one after that. This continued to happen until he ran out of females on campus to date because no one wanted to deal with the crazy ex-girlfriend.

Everything was cool for a few months. I was doing great in school, and I had no worries about Daniel dating because I knew that nobody was dumb enough to be with him. That was until Daniel found him a girlfriend off campus. It was then that things got a bit more hectic. It all started when I began to notice that Daniel, who usually partied at one of the frat houses every weekend, would disappear from campus every Friday after his last class, and wouldn’t come back until Monday morning. This had gone on for a few weeks before I got tired of wondering where the hell he was going. One Friday, I decided to follow him to find out for myself. After tailing his ass for almost an hour, he pulled up in front of this house and beeped the horn. I thought that one of his buddies would come out and greet him. I was shocked when some pretty brown skinned female walked out instead, switching her ass.

My blood boiled as I watched Daniel climb out of his car and kiss her passionately, before walking around to the passenger side of the vehicle and open the door for her, allowing her climb inside. I remember wondering where on earth he was able to find the chick because I had never seen her around school before. I later found out that she was one of his frat brothers sisters, and they had hooked up during one of his visits. Furious, I hopped out of my car and raced over to where they were. Before Daniel could stop me, I reached into the car, grabbed a handful of her hair, and proceeded to pound on her face. With each hit I threw, she screamed. The sounds of her yelling excited me and made me want to do as much damage as I could, just so she would know that the man she had been seeing was mine.

Once Daniel was able to pull me off of her, I saw that her once blemish free face was now scratched up and bloody. Daniel pushed me to the side and rushed to her aid.
              “Ashley, baby are you alright?” He asked while he tended to her lovingly.

This pissed me the fuck off. I snatched him out of the doorway by the back of his shirt and started to wail on her again. Daniel didn’t like that. He grabbed me around my waist, carried me around to the other side of his car and threw me in the grass. Before I got a chance to hop up and attack him, he was already inside his car. After closing the door and locking it, he reached over and examined Ashley’s face before turning to tell me just how crazy he thought I was through the small crack in the window. When I overheard Ashley yell that she was about to call the police, I put my ass in gear and left the scene. I couldn’t afford to get arrested because I knew my father would have killed me if he found out what I had done. I smiled as I jogged back toward my car and climbed in because I knew that it was the end of little Miss Ashley.

Unfortunately, that didn’t work out in my favor because every weekend Daniel would continue to leave and go to her house. It upset me to know that they would continue to see each other no matter how many times I popped up on them or how much havoc I brought into their lives. I wasn’t done, though, and that’s even after the bitch went and got a restraining order against me. Of course, I pretended to follow it. I had no choice because my father had pulled a lot of strings to keep me out of jail for her attack. So I had to at least act like I was following the court’s orders.

That all changed when I found out that Daniel had asked the bitch to marry him, and she accepted. It was then that things got really bad. I ain’t even gone lie, that shit ate me up because there he was about to start a life with someone who wasn’t me. I immediately made up my mind to put an end that shit once and for all. I refused to allow that bitch the ‘happily ever after’ that Daniel had promised me years ago. I racked my brain until I came up with the perfect plan, a plan that would remove Miss Ashley out of Daniel’s life permanently.

My little stunt worked like a charm, and it was bye-bye Ashley. After a big police investigation and being questioned numerous times, I was cleared of any wrongdoing, thanks to my daddy. Soon after, Daniel disappeared as well. It had been almost a month since I had seen him, and I was growing antsy just wondering what he was doing. At first, I thought he had gotten better at hiding from me, but after I had stopped by a few of his classes, I was told that he hadn’t attended them in a few weeks. It took me a couple more days to uncover the truth. One day while inside a bathroom stall, I overheard another one of Daniel’s frat brother’s girlfriends, talking about the incident. She and her friends were calling me crazy for what had happened to Ashley. She also said that although the police couldn’t prove it, they knew it was me. I sat on the toilet with a smirk on my face as she continued to talk shit about me. It wasn’t until I heard her say that Daniel had transferred to another school that my ears perked up.

Armed with that information, I continued to try to find a way to get in touch with him. Over and over again I kept coming up empty-handed. I got in touch with everyone I could think of. I called Mrs. Wade, his grandmother—who was the one that raised him—as well as a few of his friends back home, but no one would give me any information. In fact, they all called me crazy and hung up in my ear. It took months for me to give up after I came to the conclusion that he didn’t want to be found. A few weeks later one of my friends back home saw Daniel and relayed the information to me that he was back in our hometown and was attending a local college there. That was perfect for me because I wouldn’t have to go to some strange place to find him. It just so happened to be the same week of our spring break, so I dropped everything and brought my ass back home. I was determined to mend our broken relationship, and get back on track with our future plans. There was no doubt in my mind that Daniel would finally see the error of his ways, and realize just how much he loved me.

That weekend, I put on something sexy and made a pit stop at Daniel’s grandmother’s house. It was perfect timing because as soon as I pulled up, I saw his car parked out front with the lights on. Moments later, he walked out of the house, climbed inside and pulled off. I immediately started to tail him keeping a safe distance behind. Once I saw that he was headed to the local club on the other side of town, I called a few of my homegirls—who were also on Spring break and back home—and asked them to meet me there for a few drinks. With my friends on their way, I watched Daniel park in the rear of the building. Since I knew there was a second door back there, I waited a few minutes before I went inside.

When I finally caught up with Daniel, I sat back and watched him from afar. This had lasted for close to an hour before my friends got there, and we started to party. On the dance floor, I moved my body sexually, hoping that I would catch Daniel’s eye, but I never did. He was too preoccupied with the chick he was with. I wasn’t sure if she had come with him, or he had met her there. Either way, I was in the process of walking over to where they were and acting up when Terry approached me. At first, I was going to brush him off and continue on with my mission, but then a thought came to mind. I figured I could use him to my advantage. I figured if Daniel saw me talking and flirting with another man, he would realize just what he was missing, and come to his damn senses. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and while I was being all ‘extra’ talking to Terry, Daniel and I locked eyes. I don’t think I’d ever seen someone move that fast. He had a terrified look in his eyes as he grabbed the chick’s hand he was with, and damn near dragged her toward the door.

At that moment, I felt defeated and wasn’t sure if I would see Daniel again. I feared he would run, and I would never be able to find him. While I fought the tears that were threatening to fall, Terry continued to try to play his hand. Up until that point, I hadn’t even been paying him much attention. When I finally focused on the man in front of me, I saw that he was very attractive and fit. The muscles in his chest bulged against the front of the button up shirt he was wearing, and his arms were as thick as my thighs. With nothing else to lose at that moment, I gave him my number. I figured there was no need to play hard to get since the love of my life apparently didn’t want me any longer. We kicked it a few times that week, and once I got back to school Terry continued to call me. We ended up talking a lot. It was all those late-night conversations that got me, and slowly I found myself liking him even more. Eventually, I fell in love.

If I were to be completely honest right now, I would tell you that Terry is solely the reason for me moving back home once I finished school. I am supposed to be living in California right now teaching elementary school. I changed my mind when I saw how things could play out with Terry. My plan was for us to continue dating, and eventually move in together. After dating for a few months, maybe even a year, Terry would ask me to marry him, and we would start our family. Some may call me delusional or a sucker for love for jumping the gun after only a few months of talking to him, but I know what I want and Terry is it. I just have to make him see it. Unfortunately, I’m now three months pregnant by him, and even though I want nothing more than to be his woman, I’m still stuck on the sidelines. That’s all about to change though because I got some shit up my sleeve. As you can see, I don’t give up when there’s something that I want, and Terry is it. So Shanair and whoever the hell else better watch out because I’m playing for keeps.

Shanair

             
The bottom of my dress blows with each step I take down the long hallway. As I continue my stride, I look down at the strappy sandals that I’m wearing and groan. They are cute as hell. Any other time I would swear I was the shit, pregnant and all. I just wish I would have known that my damn feet and ankles were going to swell up twice their size before I left the house. No matter how cute I look right now, my damn feet are killing me. After rolling my eyes, I make a mental note to go out and buy a pair of comfy shoes to put in my truck just for instances like this. That way I won’t have to walk around hurting.

With a limp in each of my steps, I turn down another hallway. As soon as my mother’s room comes into view, I stop in my tracks. I need to compose myself before I walk inside. It’s been a few days since I last saw her, and the last visit was extremely stressful. It started with her not having a clue as to who I was. That then turned into her believing that somehow I was my father’s baby’s mother. I remember one second sitting on the edge of her bed trying to tell her that I was not who she thought I was, to rushing to the other side of the room when she lunged at me. I had never seen my mother so angry in all my life, and that scared the shit out of me.

There I was pregnant and being attacked by my mother, who as of lately has been slipping deeper and deeper into her illness. I watched helplessly as a few of the staff swiftly came into the room to restrain her, all while she yelled and called me every name in the book. It hurt me to see them handle her that way, but with the way she was acting, there was really nothing I could do. That night back at my house I cried myself to sleep because I wished that there was something I could do to aid my mother into being the woman she used to be. This illness that she has is slowly turning her into someone that has me cautious every time I come to see her. I know it isn’t her fault, but I’m truly afraid of what could transpire during this visit. Because of this I’m going to remain cautious and alert.

Once my courage is built up as much as it could be, I take a few steps in the direction of her room until I’m standing directly outside the door. Slowly I peek my head in. My mother is standing at the window with her back to me. The long grey French braids that I had done the week prior hang loosely down her back and look like they are overdue for a touch-up. Redoing them was my plan the other day, but when she flipped out, I decided that I would save that for a later time. Taking baby steps, I walk into the room and clear my throat.

“Oh, hey baby. I didn’t know that you were coming today.” My mother says as she turns around to face me.

“Hey, how are you?” I ask nervously.

I watch her as she walks towards me slowly. When she goes to reach out for me, I tense up. My body relaxes when I see that she’s only giving me a hug. Awkwardly, I wrap my arms around her, still wondering if she knows who I am or not.

“I’m fine, but what’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” I pause, allowing her to break our hug. “Momma, do you—do you know who I—do you know who I am?” I stammer looking at her perplexed.

She tilts her head to the side and just stares at me for a moment before replying. “Shanair, of course, I know who you are. Are you sure that everything’s okay?” When I hear my name, I release a sigh of relief and give her a bright smile.

“Yeah, I’m okay momma. I just missed you that’s all.” She has a confused look on her face when I pull her into another hug and squeeze her tight. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Missed me?” My mother asks before chuckling, “It’s okay baby, momma’s right here.”

Once our hug is broken for the second time, we retreat over to the sitting area of her room and start to talk about Kendrick. From my bag, I pull out the grease, comb and rubber bands. Then I start to take down and re-braid my mother’s hair. I tell her all about how big Kendrick is getting, and how he’s growing into such an amazing and respectful little boy. Afterward, we laugh and talk about all the funny things that he used to do when he was a baby. Our visit is going pretty good if I say so myself; which is something that hasn’t happened in a while. When my mother asks when she could see Kendrick, I pause and swallow the lump in my throat because I really don’t know what to say. I think back to our last visit and how she tried to attack me, and the fear of her doing something similar with Kendrick around makes me think that it’s a very bad idea.

Since I don’t know what I’ll walk into on a day to day basis, I’ve been keeping him away because I don’t want her to scare him off. I know that seeing his grandmother in the “odd” state that she’s usually in could confuse him, and I don’t want that. I continue to go back and forth with myself in my mind for a few moments still not saying a thing. My mother turns to look  at me over her shoulder. When I see that her eyes are watery, and she’s on the verge of crying I feel bad. Even though she doesn’t know what day is, or even who I am sometimes, I know that there’s no doubt that she loves me and her grandson. Before I give my answer, I grin and bend down to kiss her once on the cheek. As I come back up, I promise her that I’ll bring him with me for the next visit. The way her face brightens up melts my heart, and I’m glad that I could make her happy. I haven’t seen my mother really smile in years, and if bringing Kendrick to see her makes her feel good, then that’s what I’m going to do.

I continue to sit with my mother until the sun goes down, and it’s almost time for visiting hours to be over. My plan is to stay with her until she falls asleep before heading home. It’s been such a nice visit, that I don’t want it to end because I don’t know the next time it will go so well. She may not know it, but I cherish these times because they are few and far between. As she lies in her bed dozing off, she looks over at me and shakes her head.

“Girl, I swear you look just like your daddy.”

“Huh,” I ask because I know that I must have heard her wrong. I look nothing like my father, and I do mean
nothing
like him.

“Yep, you and yo’ daddy coulda passed for twins. Boy did he love him some Shanair,” she snickers. “That’s all he used to talk about, Shanair this and Shanair that.” She laughs again. There’s a glazed look in her eyes, as she speaks of my father.

“Momma, what are you talking about? Daddy and I don’t look anything alike,” I tell her, believing that she’s once again slipped back into a state of confusion.

“I remember the first time he saw you, we were in the grocery store.” She pauses, totally ignoring my question. “He walked right up to me and as soon as he laid eyes on you, he knew…he knew you were his.” My mother continues with a shake of her head. “Of course, I tried to lie and cover it up, but even a blind man could see that you were his.”

I stare at her wondering who she’s referring too because she can’t possibly be speaking about me and my dad seeing me for the first time in the grocery store? Knowing I was his? Who in the world could my mother be talking about?  I’ve seen photos from the hospital, and quite a few of them show my dad holding me right after I was born, so it’s impossible for the story she’s telling to be about us. I start to interrupt her and ask again who’s she referring to, but I let her continue to talk because she’s in a daze and appears to be happy reminiscing even though her tale appears to be about someone else’s life.

“Your father was the most loving man that I’d ever met in my life.” A weary smile covers my mother’s face. “I wish I would have been with him the entire time, instead of chasing after Joseph, who I knew was no good for me. Yep, Brian was my soulmate.” She sighs. “I should have let him know the truth from the beginning about you, instead of trying to hide it. That was my mistake, and something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.”

What the hell?

Just hearing the names she mentioned has me really wondering what it is my mother is talking about. This isn’t someone else’s life she’s speaking of this is
our
life. You see Joseph is my father, but by the story my mom is telling, Brian—who is actually my step-dad—is being portrayed as my real dad. I look up to ask my mother a few of the questions that are bouncing around in my head and see that she’s out like a light.
She would go to sleep right now,
I think to myself before getting up and walking over towards her. With the bed remote in my hand, I lay her flat on her back and adjust her pillow behind her head. Once I’m done, I pull the covers up over her body, place a kiss on her forehead and turn to gather my things. After putting all of the hair care products away, I turn to leave. As I walk through the door, I let my mother know that I love her, even though I know she can’t hear me.

Once inside my truck, I head home still thinking about the things that my mom was saying.
I wonder if any of it could be true
I think before laughing at my own silliness. I know my father, his name is Joseph Bishop, and he is nothing like anything my mother had said. Yeah, I believe he loved me, but he wasn’t “The most loving man that I’d ever seen,” in my mother’s words. He took care of us and made sure that we had everything we needed, but he also had a cold side. I could tell he loved my mother, but every once in a while I would see the way he looked at her, and wonder if she had done something to him. When it came to me, I was just there. He never hugged me, kissed me, or spent almost any time with me at all. I had started to think that it was just because he didn’t like kids. That is until he brought my half-sister, Paris, home; a sister that I didn’t know anything about until that day.

Paris came to live with us when I was nine years old. At the time, she was ten. She had been sent to our dad because her mother had recently lost her battle with leukemia. When the very pretty, light-skinned girl walked into our living room with her suitcase, I wondered who she was. After my parents explained to me that she was my dad’s child from a previous relationship, I was confused because I was always told that my parents had been together since high school. I never expressed my concerns out loud, though. Instead just nodded and smiled when they explained that she would be living with us.

I was extremely happy at first because it was boring being the only child, and I was glad to finally have someone to play with. That joy was soon replaced with jealousy when I saw just how good my father was to her. He treated Paris as if she was a fragile doll because she very rarely had to lift a finger. The way he would look at her like he was proud to be her father. It was nothing like the way he looked at me. Anything Paris wanted my father broke his neck to get. At first, I thought he treated her differently because her mother had just died, but it went on to last for months, even years.

It wasn’t just me because my mom saw it too. She would try to compensate for the things that he lacked in, by taking me out and doing things just like my dad did with Paris, but that only divided our house even more. Although her gestures were nice, they really didn’t make me feel any better because all I wanted was my daddy’s love. Whenever my mother would bring up the fact that he was playing favoritism, my father would just brush it off by saying he loved me just as much as he loved Paris. No matter how much he said it, I never believed him. All I knew was he loved the lighter, prettier girl more than he loved the darker one, and that is what started my issue with being dark skinned.

By the time I was thirteen, my mother had grown tired of the way our house was divided and decided to end their marriage. When their divorce was final, my dad and Paris kept the house, and my mother and I moved into something a bit smaller. During that time, I didn’t really get a chance to see my dad or Paris because whenever it came time for him to get me, something always came up. Because of the way he treated me, I hated Paris and didn’t mind not seeing her. She would call and ask me when I was coming over, and claim that she missed me, but I would always ignore her. I didn’t care what my mom said. She was no sister of mine. I now know that it wasn’t her fault that my father treated me that way, but as a child you aren’t that rational. This happened for the next year or so until my mother ran into an old high school friend named Brian. They started dating and eventually got married.

Soon after they tied the knot, Brian moved us into his house. It was a nice three bedroom, two and a half bath home in a very nice neighborhood. Now Brian treated me like my father never did. He made sure that I got whatever I wanted, and if one didn’t know any better, they would think that he was actually my father. It’s crazy because people actually said that we looked just alike. We had the same dark skinned tone, and many of the same facial features, such as our big brown eyes. Looking back, Brian was pretty cool too. At first, I really didn’t warm up to him because I was too busy trying to get on my father’s radar, but as the years passed, I stopped trying so hard. By the time I was sixteen, I had made up my mind that if my father didn’t want to deal with me, I wouldn’t worry about it. It was then that I finally opened up to Brian and allowed him to show me all the love that my real father never did. I finally had a real father.

Everything was going great for us until right after my eighteenth birthday. I was out shopping when my mom called me crying hysterically. I rushed home only to find out that Brian had a heart attack while working and died before he even made it to the hospital. I was overcome with grief because the man who had loved me more than my own father did was gone and never coming back. It made me regret all the years that my stubborn behind wasted by holding back. With my mom being so distraught, I helped her with the funeral arrangements, and we were able to put him away really nice. All of his coworkers showed up to pay their respects to the hardworking man that everyone loved, and I was finally able to meet a few of his family members who weren’t able to make it to the wedding.