What to Expect the Toddler Years (272 page)

LEAVING HOME WITHOUT YOUR TODDLER

Before you clean the cobwebs out of your suitcase, consider the following:

Separations should start short (see page 21), and gradually get a little longer as the child adjusts. The general rule: Don’t leave children overnight if you haven’t left them for several evenings; don’t leave them for a weekend if you haven’t left them overnight; don’t leave them for a week if you haven’t left them for a weekend. (Occasionally, a trip that comes up suddenly means that a parent will have to go off without first having a chance to prepare a child for the unexpected absence. No worries in that case—paying lots of special attention on the return end of the trip will ensure a happy reunion and a smooth transition for all.) Even once trips away from home become routine, try to limit the time away when you can. For example, take a very early flight in the morning and return late at night instead of adding extra overnights to the overall trip. And don’t stay away longer than is comfortable for you.

Distances should be short, too. That first sojourn, when possible, should take you only a short distance from home—perhaps a downtown hotel if you live in the suburbs, or a suburban one if you’re city dwellers. You’ll feel more comfortable knowing that you can get home quickly if your toddler reacts with panic (unlikely, if you set the stage carefully).

Timing is significant. If at all possible, don’t plan that first overnight trip when there is anything unsettling going on in your toddler’s life—such as a new babysitter, a new day-care situation, toilet learning-in-progress, or an illness.

Who you choose to leave your toddler with is even more significant. In most cases, a loving and competent grandparent, another relative, or a close family friend, if available, is the best choice. Next best is a regular babysitter or other trusted, responsible person your child knows well, is comfortable with, and likes. Also a good option: a swap with the parent or parents of one of your toddler’s playmates (“You care for our child while we’re away, we’ll care for yours while you go off”). If none of these options is available to you, then a reputable nanny service (get a recommendation, if possible) should be able to supply a bonded and reliable professional caregiver (see tips for selecting a caregiver on page 809). If you go this route, you should let your child and the caregiver become acquainted before you go—even if it means paying for an extra day or two of the caregiver’s time.

There’s no place like home. At least for the first separation or two, it’s probably best if your toddler stays at home, rather than having to sleep in new, unfamiliar digs. That way, even though your child won’t have the comfort of having you around, he or she will still have all the other comforts of home—a familiar bed, familiar toys, familiar dishes, a familiar bathtub. If that’s not possible, or if you feel your toddler will miss you less in different surroundings (a possibility when the surroundings are fun and familiar—as Grandma and Grandpa’s home or the home of a favorite playmate might be), send along as many personal items as practical (a favorite pillowcase, blanket, toy, even a cereal bowl, if that’s very important to your child).

Preparation of the caregiver is crucial. Be sure the person staying with your toddler is well versed in your child’s regular routine (provide it in writing)—preferably having been guided through at least one full day with you—and ask that this routine be followed as closely as possible. Consistency is always comforting to toddlers, but even more so in the midst of change. So be sure, too, to relay any of your toddler’s little idiosyncrasies (like refusing to eat from any plate but the one with the bunnies, or insisting
that a favorite bedtime story be read three times, or having a night-light on and the stuffed kangaroo standing guard over the bed every evening); tried-and-true ways to distract and calm your toddler; a list of your toddler’s favorite foods, drinks, stories, activities, and toys. Be aware, however, that inspite of your careful preparations, your toddler may be a lot more flexible with someone else than with you—and may even decide to do things differently. Let the care-giver know that this is okay, too.

In most cases, the sitter should not attempt anything revolutionary (like toilet learning or weaning from the bottle) while you’re away. The rare exception is a very close grandparent or sitter, who may be able to accomplish a goal you’ve had trouble with (but only with your permission).

Preparation of your toddler is crucial, too. Don’t make your trip a surprise. Departing on a trip—even an overnighter—without telling your toddler might avoid an unpleasant good-bye scene, but it’s likely to stir up feelings of insecurity and betrayal. Worse still, it may well heighten future separation anxiety. Begin preparing your toddler two or three days before your planned trip rather than weeks ahead (toddlers have trouble understanding the concept of “future” time, and very early notice could give anxiety too much time to build) or on the way out the door (which wouldn’t allow your toddler enough time to get used to the idea).

Let your toddler know, in simple language, that you’re going on a trip, where you’re going, when you’re going to come back, who will be staying with him or her and where they will be staying.

Trip preparations should take a back seat. Parents are often so preoccupied with last-minute list making, packing, and flight checking that they seem distant even before they’ve left. To avoid this, try to keep your toddler’s routine as normal as possible and spend plenty of time together in the days before you leave. If possible, do your packing when your child’s already in bed, so that the frantic flurry of pre-trip activity doesn’t become unnerving.

Your toddler is entitled to have a good time during this separation. Arrange for some special activities (a trip to the children’s museum, renting a favorite DVD, playing miniature golf with Grandpa), and let your child know in advance the fun that’s in store. Make it clear that it’s okay to have fun even when you’re not around (“Have lots of fun with Sarah while we are on our trip”), so your child will know that it’s not disloyal to enjoy life while you’re gone. (And don’t forget that you have a right to some fun yourself!)