What to Expect the Toddler Years (271 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
“I really love staying home with our two kids while my wife works. But when we go to a party and people start asking what I do, I’m embarrassed to tell them.”
No one—man or woman—need be embarrassed about being a full-time parent. Parenting demands at least as much dedication and hard work as any other occupation, and makes at least as much of a contribution to society. The trouble is, society hasn’t yet acknowledged this reality—particularly the segment of society one meets at cocktail parties.
The best way to defend your position is to take the offensive. Asked what you do, respond without apology: “I’m taking a daddy-break from my career, and let me tell you, it’s the most challenging (exciting, difficult, fascinating, educational—you fill in the blank) job I’ve ever had.” Throw in a few heart-warming or funny anecdotes and you may have your listeners hankering for the same opportunity.
When a listener nevertheless responds condescendingly, you can again turn the tables: “I know this isn’t for everyone. Not everyone can be a good parent—it takes a lot of smarts, good instincts, ingenuity. It’s the toughest job around—but also the most rewarding.”
OT FEELING LIKE A PARENT
“I’ve worked full-time since my daughter was three months old. I love her very much, but sometimes I just don’t feel like her mother. After all, I spend less awake time with her than her day-care teachers do.”
Feelings of insecurity aren’t the exclusive province of working parents. Those who work full-time taking care of their children can be just as uncertain about their parenting role as those who work full-time outside the home. And toddlers, being unpredictable and incomprehensible, can instill more feelings of self-doubt in parents than children of just about any other age group.
Spending most of your time with a toddler doesn’t ensure a good parent–child relationship, any more than spending much of it apart condemns you to a poor one. Time well spent (talking, listening, playing, working alongside your toddler) can more than compensate for time spent away. So, instead of worrying about who spends more time with your toddler, try to relax and make the most out of time
you
spend with her.
STAYING SANE IN THE FAST LANE
Parenting has never been easy (just ask your parents), but with more two-paycheck families, more single parents, and the pressure to produce superchildren (and be superparents) seemingly greater than ever before, it’s becoming more and more difficult. Still, it is possible to stay sane (at least, relatively sane) in the parenting fast lane. Here’s how:
Learn to handle stress.
Stress is an inevitable part of life, especially for parents—but it needn’t be a debilitating part,
if
you can learn to cope. Start by making a list of the major causes of stress in your life; as you look over the list, assess how much control you have over each stressor, rating each on a scale of 0 to 10. Some you will have no control over (rate those 0), others you will have a moderate amount of control over (rate them 5), still others you will have a great deal of control over (the 10s). Then look at your most controllable stressors (in the 8 to 10 range) and determine how you can get the upper hand over them. Make it a point to try to overcome them during the next couple of weeks.
Occasionally, you can be rid of a particular cause of stress completely. For example, if the caregiver you’ve hired to take care of your toddler is making both of you very unhappy, consider trying to find someone else. If juggling work and parenting is exhausting you and you can afford a change, consider quitting your job and staying home for a while or working part-time (see page 768).
More often, you will have to find ways of coping with the stress. If your toddler has daily tantrums going off to school, spend extra time helping him or her adjust (see page 395). If you’ve been going through the 5:00 frazzles, take steps to calm things down at that time (see page 271). If your child is having frequent tantrums, learn how to head them off before they get started (see page 338).
Organize.
Getting organized makes it easier to get things done, which will in turn help you feel more in control. Keep a small notebook with you, and use it to write down everything you need to do on a particular day: household chores, errands, shopping, child-care responsibilities, work-related obligations. Give each item on the list an A, B, or C priority: the A’s absolutely have to get done (picking up your toddler at day care, shopping for dinner); the B’s you’d
like
to get done today but they can wait till tomorrow (write a thank-you note to Aunt Mary, make an appointment with the dentist); the C’s can wait until later in the week, if necessary (buy new shoes for your sister’s wedding next month, clean out the hall closet in preparation for out-of-town visitors a couple of weeks hence).
Always plan to do the A’s first. If you can manage it, do one or more B’s, too. Save the C’s for days (if there are any) when all the A’s and B’s are miraculously taken care of. You may find that if you wait long enough the C’s become even less necessary (it turns out that those satin pumps you bought last year go perfectly with the dress you chose for the wedding, so new shoes aren’t needed; the guests cancel and your unnavigatable closet can stay a mess, at least until they reschedule a visit).
Carpool, or use public transportation.
Either of these options may be more relaxing than struggling with traffic daily (and is better for the environment). These options may also allow you to use commuting time to your advantage; you might be able to take care of some work, make shopping lists, read a book, meditate, or share stress reducing camaraderie and conversation with other commuting adults.
Get help anywhere you can.
From networking (get together with other parents and take turns helping each other out with babysitting and driving to day care or preschool), teamworking (make sure that if there are two parents in the house, they’re both doing their share; see page 757), and/or hired helpers (if you can afford it, have someone in once a week to clean and do some laundry so you can spend more time with your toddler). Putting an older toddler in preschool for half a day or even three mornings a week will give you more time to get things done.
Get emotional support, too. Remember that talking about the problems in your life can help to ease them; if talking to your spouse is hard, talk to other parents in similar situations.
Double up.
Learn to do two things at once. Fold the laundry while tasting the “soup” your toddler has just made in the play kitchen; return phone calls while you chop vegetables for dinner (use a cordless phone); catch up on bills while you watch a DVD with your toddler. Involve your toddler in as many of your chores as you can, so that you can spend time together while crossing entries off your to-do list. Cook together, set the table together, match socks together, sort the mail together.
Cut back.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, look for corners you can cut (dust every other week instead of every week; shop in bulk every two weeks rather than shopping weekly; opt for frozen vegetables over fresh; buy only easy-care clothes that don’t need ironing or other special attention).
Treat yourself.
Do something for yourself every day, or if you can’t manage that, at least twice a week (even if it’s just watching a favorite sitcom or relaxing in a bubble bath for half an hour; see page 764). Little indulgences can do a lot for your sanity. Stay up late or get up early (depending on your body’s natural inclination), if necessary, to make the time.
Treat your relationship.
At least once a week (or as often as you care to and can swing it), have dinner with your spouse after your toddler is in bed (munch on some vegetables and dip while your toddler dines); be faithful about making “dates” with each other for a movie or dinner out; consider taking a weekend off now and then (see page 773). Time spent as a couple can renew not only your relationship but your mental health as well.
Practice relaxation.
Use a relaxation technique you learned in childbirth class or devise one of your own (focus on a photo, a picture, or a mental image that relaxes you and repeat over and over a simple calming phrase, such as “I am relaxed . . . I am relaxed”). Practice the technique whenever you feel that stress is getting the better of you. When possible, involve your toddler in your relaxation session, too.
Get some exercise.
Whether it’s walking up the twelve flights to your office, getting off the bus a mile from home and walking the rest of the way, settling your toddler in the stroller and walking the mile and a half to the supermarket, doing fifteen minutes of aerobics with your toddler on the livingroom carpet, or taking an intensive exercise class at a local health club, regular exercise will help reawaken your mind, reinvigorate your body, lessen stress, improve your attitude—and offer a pleasant change of pace as a bonus.
Get healthy.
To keep your mind clear and your stamina at peak levels, eat regularly and nutritiously, avoid smoking and the use of drugs, and limit your consumption of alcohol and caffeine.
Keep your sense of humor.
Laughter is a well-known stress-buster. When things look grim, look for the humor in the situation (it’s virtually always there).
ORKING OUTSIDE THE HOME AND DISCIPLINE
“My son always acts up when I come home from work. But I’m usually too tired to discipline him—and besides, I want the little time we spend together to be pleasant and conflict-free, so I try to be extra nice to him.”
Many working parents feel hesitant about spending the few hours they have with their toddler each day issuing time-outs or denying privileges. But no relationship can be totally conflict-free, especially not one with a toddler. And though neglecting discipline and being “extra nice” to your toddler may assuage any guilt you feel, such an approach isn’t in his best interests.
A child needs to know what he can and can’t do and what is expected of him. In a
laissez-faire
atmosphere, without limits and expectations (or at least without consistent ones), a child may seem happy as a lark, but underneath he is sure to be insecure and feel out of control (see page 47). He may also be confused after living by limits all day (in day care or with an in-home caregiver) to suddenly find that “anything goes” in the evenings. And he may learn to take advantage of the lack of limits to manipulate you by playing on your guilt.
So by all means, dish out lavish portions of love and attention at the end of the day—but don’t scrimp on the discipline when it’s called for. See page 119 for tips on disciplining your toddler and page 271 for making homecomings easier.
“My wife and I both work, and she feels so guilty about it that she lets our toddler stay up to all hours. Then she lets him sleep with us to make up for the fact that we spend so little time with him during the day. I don’t think this is a good practice.”
It may not be a good practice, but it is a common one. Many working parents, trying (consciously or unconsciously) to compensate for lack of time with their child, find it difficult to be firm when it comes to sleep issues. But there are several drawbacks to this lack of firmness. First of all, the child who stays up too late may not be getting enough sleep for healthy growth and development. The result may be increased crankiness and decreased pleasure in the awake time spent together. Second, the child who sleeps in his parents’ bed may have some difficulty learning to sleep on his own. And finally, having a child around all evening and night—awake or asleep—can seriously interfere with parental opportunities for intimacy, both verbal and physical.
Though there are legitimate reasons for families to opt for late bedtimes and co-sleeping, guilt is not among them (see page 383 for a discussion of the family bed). Instead of abandoning limits related to sleep, find other ways of improving the time spent with your toddler (see page 757). If your wife is seriously concerned that one or both of you is not spending enough time with your child, perhaps you need to reassess your work schedules.
ODDLER-FREE TRAVELS
“Now that our daughter’s weaned, we’ve been thinking about getting away for a little vacation—without her. But we’re not sure she’ll let us go.”
If you’re planning on waiting until your daughter gives you a green light, you may have a long wait ahead of you. Given the choice, just about any young child would prefer to be with her parents than with someone else, and it’s a preference that continues well into the early school years. Postponing your maiden voyage away from your child until she’s older won’t guarantee smooth sailing later on—and it could even make the going rougher. Fact is, a child learns to be more comfortable about separations by experiencing them—in gradually increasing time periods and under the right conditions (see page 21).
So, green light or no, now is as good a time as any to try a short excursion. If you have the right sitter, not only should the experience not be harmful for your toddler, it’ll probably be good for her—in no small part because it will be good for you. Once again, happy parents make better parents. See page 774 for tips on making your travels pleasant for all.
And remember, if you’re going to spend the entire time away from your toddler worrying about your toddler, you might as well stay home. So relax and enjoy.
“We’re desperate for a little vacation alone, and my parents have even volunteered to take our son. But we’re worried about leaving him.”
Stop worrying and start packing. Don’t assume that your toddler will be upset by your going away. Toddlers often handle separations better than their parents do, especially if they’re left in familiar, loving, and capable hands (a standard that most grandparents easily meet). Getting your toddler used to your taking occasional time off now will make it possible for you to continue taking romantic breaks throughout his childhood. And a vacation alone won’t only be good for you as a couple, it will be good for you as parents, too. After a few days of relaxing, you’re likely to return rested, refreshed, and ready to resume your parental responsibilities—better able to give to your child, having given to yourselves. Besides, what’s good for your marriage (and what could be better for it than a vacation alone together?) can’t help but be good for your whole family. So check the tips on page 774 that apply to vacationing parents—and call your travel agent.