What to Expect the Toddler Years (275 page)

Don’t send your toddler away.
Although the logistics of moving would be a lot less complicated without your toddler underfoot, shipping your toddler off to Grandma’s or elsewhere until you’ve moved out and moved in isn’t a terrific idea. The move will be far less confusing and disorienting to your toddler if she’s a part of it from start to finish, rather than being excluded until she’s suddenly plunked down in the new house.

Pack up your toddler’s room last.
The less time your toddler has to spend without the familiar comforts of her room around her and the less time she has to dwell on the emptiness around her, the better. Packing up her room last will give her a safe place to play (and safe toys to play with) while the rest of the house gets packed up. Be sure that her most treasured possessions—the ones you can’t take with you in a tote bag—are in a box that is clearly labeled and will be easy to find once you get to your destination. Also, making sure her cartons and furniture are loaded last will also help ensure that they’ll be unloaded first, which will mean her room can be quickly set up.

On moving-in day, make sure you have easy access to a pillow and blanket (so your toddler can take a comfortable nap when she needs to), changes of clothing, several favorite books (so she can have her usual bedtime stories the first night in your new home), and any important toys (so you won’t have to start digging for that stuffed beagle the moment the boxes arrive). Also bring along a bag full of nonperishable snacks and drinks (crackers, dried fruit, cookies, juice packs) so that you won’t have to dash right out to the grocery store when your toddler becomes cranky with hunger and thirst.

Leave some packing to your toddler.
To make your toddler feel a part of and more in control of what’s going on around her, give her a box to pack herself (you can always repack it more efficiently when she’s asleep). Provide her, too, with her very own suitcase or backpack, which she can pack with some favorite toys and a comfort object (if she has one) so she can carry them with her on the trip to the new home.

Settle your toddler in quickly.
Unpack your toddler’s room first so she can start feeling at home, surrounded by familiar furnishings and toys. Encourage her to “help” set up her things—even if her contribution is more of a hindrance than a help. It’s probably best to try and re-create her old room as much as possible (using the same comforter and the same throw rug, arranging the furniture in a similar configuration, hanging some of the same pictures on the wall), so that she’ll feel at home sooner. Unless she’s been clamoring for (or expectantly anticipating) new furnishings, wait until she’s acclimated to her new environment before attempting any redecorating.

Hold off on any other changes.
Keep the status as quo as possible during the weeks surrounding the move. Moving is a big enough change without adding the stress of toilet learning (unless your toddler is very ready and extremely motivated, and you’re inclined to seize the moment), switching to a bed from a crib, or starting school or day care for the first time. In your new kitchen, set the table with the same placemats and dishes. Offer familiar foods, and serve meals at predictable times.

Take some time out for exploring.
Even if unpacking in a single day were a realistic goal, the feverish pace it would necessitate would just add to your toddler’s anxiety at being in a new place. Instead, after the movers leave, take some time off for some family fun. Explore the new neighborhood, visit a new playground, have dinner at a new restaurant.

Get in touch.
Become familiar with and involved in your new community. Join a toddler play group, a swim club, a local museum, a house of worship. Go for drives and walks. Tour area attractions and attend local events.

Stay in touch.
Use the phone, mail, e-mail, visits, and video and audio digital recordings to continue ties to any family and friends in the old neighborhood.

Be extra-patient.
Toddlers in transition need patience and understanding, not admonitions and ultimatums. Though you’ll doubtless be busier than ever for a while, don’t deprive your toddler of the rituals she’s come to expect. If she’s accustomed to five stories at night, read all five—without resorting to speed reading. If she’s accustomed to having time for splashing in the tub, let her splash to her heart’s content. Realize that having to get used to a new room is almost certain to make her bedtime more of an ordeal than usual; being sensitive to her difficulties is likely to be far more effective than reacting with exasperation to them. But don’t make the mistake of changing the rules of the bedtime game (or any other routine) “just until she’s adjusted” by letting her sleep with you (if you don’t favor a family bed) or letting her convince you to sleep with her. Exceptions can quickly become rules that are hard to break.

Though your toddler will probably handle the move well, it will be more difficult when she is older to make such moves, especially if you make them frequently. Five or six moves during a child’s school years can lead to both academic and behavior problems. If frequent moves are necessary, be sure that you take extra pains to to ease the transitions for your child.

“We adopted a wonderful little boy when he was just a few days old, and he’s been our greatest joy ever since. He just turned one and we wonder if now’s the time to tell him he was adopted.”

It’s never too early to begin to introduce to your child the idea that he was adopted into, rather than born into, the family. In fact, the earlier the adopted child is exposed to the idea, the more natural it will seem to him. A child who’s heard his parents talk about his adoption in positive terms (“We are so lucky we were able to adopt you”) since infancy is more likely to feel secure in his standing in the family than a child who is suddenly informed of his history later in childhood.

So by all means talk about your toddler’s adoption. But don’t expect the discussion to take on much meaning until your child is at least three or four. (While a toddler may be able to parrot the words “I was adopted,” he won’t really be able to understand their meaning or the
difference between birth and adoption.) Explaining something about how babies are made (see page 420) will help a child grasp the idea that all babies are born to someone. From there you can explain that some children stay with the family they’re born into and others, when their birth family can’t take care of them, are adopted by families that want them very much.

Tell your child that being adopted is not better or worse than being born into a family, just different. Don’t say, “Our family is just like other families.” Instead, explain that every family is different from every other family—some families have only a mommy and some only a daddy, some families have children who are birth children, others have children who were adopted, and others have both.

The discussions you have with your child now are only the beginning. Questions about adoption will undoubtedly keep coming, but it won’t be until your child is well into his school years that he may begin to wonder about his birth parents and why they made an adoption plan (some children, however, never give this much thought). Until such questions come up, it is unnecessary to provide those answers.

“We have twin girls who, even at eighteen months, are the best of friends—they’d do everything together if we let them. Our question is: Is that the best way to raise them?”

The old notion that twins (or triplets or quadruplets) should be treated identically is no longer accepted by child-development experts. Treating them as a unit—as parents of twins past were wont to do—can, it appears, delay physical and emotional growth and slow language development, and may result in the children not reaching their intellectual potential. It’s even conceivable that each will develop only half the skills she needs for a future life on her own. Twins (even identical twins) are individuals, and should be treated as such.

To encourage individuality in your twins (without interfering in their very special relationship):

Avoid calling them “the twins.” Instead, always call them by name or refer to “the children” or “the girls.” Encourage friends, family, and care-givers to do the same.

Make sure you (and everyone else) can tell them apart. If they’re identical, try giving them different hair styles (unless they protest), or paint a fingernail on one pink and a fingernail on the other red, or put ankle ID bracelets on them—anything so that they aren’t constantly being called by each other’s name (though a certain amount of this is inevitable) and so that double doses of vitamins aren’t administered to one child, while the other child gets none.

Let them make individual fashion statements. Though it’s tempting—almost irresistible—to dress twins in matching outfits, such wardrobe manipulation could prevent them from developing their own sense of self. If your children insist on buying identical clothing (many sets of twins do, right down to the socks), suggest each choose a different color—and continue to encourage (but don’t force) them to wear different outfits rather than matching ones.

Provide each twin with her own toys and other possessions. Twin toddlers are slightly more likely to share with each other than are other toddlers (even more so if it’s their idea and not yours), but they can still be expected to be age-appropriately possessive some of the time. Asking them to share all is not fair
(something you wouldn’t ask of two non-twin siblings) and could lead to future rivalries. So give each her own toys, books, and other personal items, even if there is some duplication, just as you would two siblings of different ages. Mark toys with name labels or with initials in nail polish to avoid confusion.