What to Expect the Toddler Years (269 page)

Practice compromise. Common ground can often be found on middle ground: You feel your toddler should pick up his toys by himself, your wife feels he’s too young; find a compromise in his picking them up with some adult help. If divergent family traditions are at the root of some of your disagreements (your family always gave mountains of presents at Christmas, your spouse’s set limits on extravagant giving), consider creating new family traditions that blend a little of each of the old traditions or are based on a completely new premise.

Divide up areas of responsibility. Assign to each parent the things he or she feels most strongly about. You care about manners, so you make rules related to how your toddler should behave at the table; your spouse cares about diet and health, so the responsibility for deciding what goes on the table is in her court.

Don’t give your spouse a bad name. Even under-the-breath mumbles of “Mommy doesn’t know how to wash your face,” or “Daddy is so slow getting you ready in the morning” can undermine a spouse’s authority in a child’s eyes and send other undesirable messages (“Daddy doesn’t respect Mommy”). Such picking and sniping can also set a model for a more critical, less tolerant child who relates to people in a negative way.

Sometimes, give in. Some issues are not worth making an issue of. It’s as true of conflicts with your spouse as it is of conflicts with your toddler. Occasionally giving in without a fight—and without a sore sport’s grumble—can make life much easier while making your spouse more amenable to your opinions in the future.

Be open to learning from each other’s insights. Sometimes the parent who spends the most time with the toddler knows what’s best; sometimes he or she is too close to be objective. Listen to each other’s opinions with open minds—you may have more to learn than you think. And your child will learn something valuable, too: that you respect each other and each other’s opinions.

Be consistent. However you decide to settle child-care issues between you, be sure that the rules that are spelled out to your child are consistent. If you insist she wash her hands before eating and your spouse doesn’t, or if your spouse allows climbing on the furniture and you don’t, she’ll feel confused. Worse, she may come to believe she can’t do anything right and give up trying. So don’t switch back and forth on parental policies depending on who’s in charge at the moment.

Finally, keep in mind that there’s more than one right way to handle most parenting issues. And that more important to your toddler’s future than how any single issue is handled is how you and your spouse respond to each other, show respect for each other, compromise with each other.

“My son is a year old, and I’m due again in two months. My children will be fourteen months apart, which
really has me worried. Do I need one diaper bag, or two? How do I get around? Is there any way to avoid buying a second crib? Help!”

The logistics of caring for two children under two will be overwhelming enough without adding the stress of worry. So first of all, try not to panic. Countless parents before you have faced and successfully met the challenge of handling a diapered duo—be it composed of twins or closely spaced siblings. And they’ve lived to tell—and even laugh—about it.

While the next few years won’t be a stroll in the park, advance planning, meticulous organization, and realistic expectations will make the parental marathon that lies ahead less grueling. Besides a lot of luck and a lot of help for yourself, you’ll need:

A crib-to-grow-in for your firstborn.
Your older child won’t be ready for a bed yet, but will be soon enough that you won’t want to invest in another crib to tide him over. So shop around for a crib that can convert to a junior bed. So that he will be less likely to associate eviction from his present crib with the new arrival, buy and start using the new crib now (talk it up as a “new and special” bed just for him) so that by the time his sibling appears on the scene it will feel like home.

Double-duty transport.
Though your son will probably be walking by fourteen months (or shortly thereafter), you can’t (and shouldn’t) count on him walking when you want and/or need him to. Under the circumstances, it’s unfair to expect a young toddler to walk long distances (and when your legs are toddler-size, almost every distance looms long). It’s particularly unfair when the new baby’s being whisked around in a cozy stroller (that the baby usurped from the older child) while he’s forced to plod alongside on foot. An ideal solution is a twin stroller—they’re available in side-by-side and front-to-back models—which allows one person to push two tots at a time. You can start using a twin stroller (assuming the seat backs recline and you add a padded head support to be sure your newborn’s head doesn’t slump to one side) right away, and can continue to use it until your firstborn’s not only able but willing to walk most of the time (probably at least two or three years down the line). If you don’t want to invest in a new stroller, start looking for a used one now. Ask around at the playground, put a notice up on your toddler’s doctor’s bulletin board and the one at the supermarket, check the newspaper for ads, scout yard sales and “baby exchanges” or secondhand children’s stores. When the bulk of a twin stroller is impractical (some supermarket aisles can’t accommodate them, for instance), plan on toting your newborn on your person in a baby carrier (or later, in a backpack) while you push your toddler in his stroller or in a shopping cart.

Be sure to get your older child a toddler car seat and use the infant seat for the new arrival. Making a fuss over the new “big-boy” front-facing car seat may make the transition easier. You can put both children in the rear seat of the car, or put the toddler in the rear and the infant (in the rear-facing infant seat) in the middle front (but not if there’s a passenger-side airbag).

A double-duty tote.
One advantage of having two in diapers at the same time (yes, there
are
some) is that you can service both of your offspring with some of the same supplies, eliminating the need to buy two of everything. Buy
one
extra-large diaper bag. (Carrying two separate bags is not a good idea—it will be hard enough to remember you have two tots to tote.) The bag should have at least three compartments: one for your older child’s supplies, one for the baby, and
one for supplies they can share (such as diaper wipes). A fourth compartment that’s waterproof, for carrying wet stuff, is ideal—or keep a sturdy plastic bag tucked in your tote.

In addition to these tangibles, the following intangibles will be invaluable in parenting two under two.

Time for each baby.
That’s a tall order when time is something in perpetually short supply, but it’s an absolutely necessary one. The trick: Learn to do double duty. You can’t realistically be in two places at the same time, but you can often realistically do two (or more) things at the same time. Use infant-feeding time to read a story to your toddler, infant naptimes to do a puzzle together, diaper-changing time to sing to both of your little ones. While baby watches in fascination from the stroller, give big brother a ride on the swing. When both parents are at home, divvy up the responsibility of giving undivided attention to the older child and care to the younger—Dad can bathe the baby while Mom plays finger songs with the older child. Or, Mom sings to and rocks the new arrival while Dad takes big brother to the park for a romp.

Time for your first to be a baby.
It’s important to keep in mind that a fourteen-month-old is still a baby—even if he is a big brother. Expecting him to be mature beyond his months—to use the toilet, to be responsible for cleaning up his toys or doing other chores, to be cooperative and helpful all of the time, to be totally accepting (and never jealous) of the new baby or of the time and attention you give it—is expecting far too much far too soon. Let your son grow up at his own pace. Praise his maturity whenever he displays it, but never criticize him when he acts his age (or even when he reverts to acting his sibling’s age). With the help of plenty of patience on your part and positive reinforcement (“big boys can watch
Sesame Street
. . . or take a book out of the library . . . or have a cookie with their milk”), he’ll eventually wise up to the benefits of not being a baby. For more on a toddler who is regressing, see page 745.