What to Expect the Toddler Years (265 page)

If you suspect your toddler has hostile feelings that he isn’t able to vent verbally (a clue: pinches, squeezes, or hugs that are always a little too forceful), provide other safe ways he can release them (see page 171).

Give him the attention he’s crying for.
One of the prime reasons a toddler wants to be a baby again is because he sees the extra attention that babies get. Providing that attention without his having to cry or whine or tantrum for it may reduce his need to act the baby. Read your toddler a story while nursing your baby; calm your colicky infant in a baby carrier while taking your toddler to the park; help your toddler construct a block tower with one hand while rocking your newborn in an infant seat with the other. If you’re in a two-adult household, take turns taking care of the baby and spending time alone with your toddler—time that’s devoted entirely to him. When there’s only one parent around to care for your twosome, divide your attention to conquer that competitive feeling—call on a friend, relative, or babysitter to mind the baby while you focus on your older child. Remember, an infant’s needs are much simpler to satisfy than a toddler’s, yet most parents are more likely to neglect the latter’s than the former’s. Be especially attentive to your older child when visitors come to see the new baby. Let him open the presents that are brought for the baby (and even “test” them), let him take the visitor on a tour of the nursery, and make sure that as many pictures are snapped of him as of the baby.

Get him involved.
Sometimes, toddlers feel less left out and more grown-up if they’re invited to lend a hand in the care of a new sibling. Give your toddler “jobs” that he’s good at—for instance, entertaining the baby (but only if baby’s in a good mood; if your toddler finds he’s a flop at cheering a colicky baby it could be a blow to his ego); folding diapers or tiny baby outfits; handing you diapers and wipes at changing time; helping you wash tiny toes at bathtime. Solicit his opinion on baby issues: “Do you think the baby’s hungry now?” “Do you think the baby needs a nap?” When the baby coos, ask your toddler for a translation: “What do you think she said?”

A couple of caveats, however. One, never push a toddler to be your “helper” if he’s not interested in the position; ask if he’d like to help, but never insist. Two, never give your toddler more responsibility than he can handle, particularly if doing so could put his infant sibling in danger (see page 748)—and never leave the two alone together, not even for a few seconds.

Minimize other changes in his life.
Becoming a big sibling is unsettling enough without adding any other upheaval. So try to keep your toddler’s schedule and rituals as comfortingly the same as possible. If you normally read four stories to him before bed, don’t cut back to two so you can bathe the baby; if you’ve always cuddled for five minutes before getting him dressed in the morning, don’t skip or skimp on the hugs now.

“Our two-and-a-half-year-old daughter wants to hold the new baby and help take care of him. But I’m afraid that she might drop him or hurt him.”

New babies, while far from china-doll fragile, do need to be handled with care—care that a young child isn’t capable of providing. Toddler hands are too small and not yet coordinated enough to master the tricky physical feat of supporting a newborn’s heavy head and underdeveloped neck muscles. Toddlers also have notoriously short attention spans and minds that tend to wander; while the proud sister may be thrilled to hold her sibling one minute, she may become bored and distracted the next and unceremoniously dump the infant on the edge of the couch as she makes a beeline for the blocks.

At the same time, the feelings of older siblings need to be handled with care. Denying your toddler opportunities to bond with her sibling—especially when it’s clear she’s craving that closeness—will make her feel rejected, left out, and unappreciated, setting the scene for resentment. While your toddler shouldn’t pick up or carry the baby around, you can let her have closely supervised cuddles. Sit her down in a comfortable armchair, then position the baby on her lap, a pillow under the arm supporting his head. Stay within arm’s reach, so if your toddler suddenly loses interest or the baby starts wiggling, you’ll be there to relieve her of her delicate charge.

“Our first child was a perfect baby and a near-perfect toddler—she never gave us any trouble. Our second has been different from the day she was born. She’s a full-fledged terrible-two now, and has several tantrums a day. It’s so hard not to favor our oldest.”

It’s always hard to avoid favoring an “easy” child over a “difficult” one—but it’s especially hard when the easy one came first, setting parental expectations at hard-to-reach levels, providing the more difficult child with an act that she can’t possibly follow.

But while showing favoritism for the easier child is a natural reaction, it’s one you’ll need to make an effort to resist. Being consistently “second best” in her parent’s eyes is likely to make a difficult child more difficult (while being consistently favored and favorably compared is likely to put too much pressure on the easy child to maintain the “straight-A” behavior she’s known for). Instead, appreciate your more difficult child for the special person that she is, look for and cultivate her positive traits (everyone has them), and help her deal with her intense personality (see page 336 for tips on coping with toddler temperaments). Your toddler’s stubbornness and fiery temper may seem to make her “difficult” now, but properly channeled, strength of will can serve her well later in life. Likewise, the boundless energy that makes her hard to handle today can make her fiercely successful tomorrow.

Instead of bemoaning the differences between your children, learn to respect them. Look for and nurture traits in each that are admirable and distinct.

It’s also possible that your second child’s difficult behavior is intensified by your response to it. Sometimes, parents unconsciously try to get the younger child to conform to the older one’s pattern of behavior. Accept your younger child’s inborn temperament—her special personality—and you may find her behavior improving with your attitude.

Though some children tend to be more “difficult” than others, all children, to some extent, go through more and less lovable stages; the easygoing kindergartner can turn into an obstinate third-grader, while the tantrum-tossing two-year-old can grow into a piece-of-cake preschooler. These shifts can easily shift parental feelings of favoritism, too. Keep in mind that it’s possible to dislike a child’s behavior without compromising your love for the child—and you’ll find it easier to love your children even when the going gets tough.

Remember, too, that though it’s nearly impossible to love two people in exactly the same way, it is possible to love them equally in different ways. The next time you’re tempted to say, “I wish you were more like your sister,” bite your tongue, take a moment to think about all the things that make you love your little ball of fire, and give her a hug instead.

“My two-and-a-half-year-old son has been difficult and contrary since his sister was born six weeks ago. He climbs on me when I’m nursing the baby, and is always trying to get my attention. I have so little time for him that I feel guilty. What can I do?”

First of all, stop being so hard on yourself. You’re doing the best you can do, and that’s all that a parent can do.

Second of all, you can recognize that your toddler’s behavior is not only extremely common but completely normal. It’s a manifestation of sibling rivalry, which takes up residence in virtually every house with more than one child.

Third of all, try some of the following:

Include your toddler at nursing time.
Nursing will be less jealousy provoking for your toddler if there’s something special in it for him. Nurse on the couch while reading him a story or listening to (and singing along with) his favorite CDs; nurse on the floor while you help him race cars or complete a puzzle; nurse on his bed while he takes your temperature with his toy doctor’s kit; nurse at the table while he eats a snack. Put a pillow under the baby so that you can hold her with one arm and use the other to give your toddler a squeeze or a back rub. (Being at your breast is quality time in and of itself for your infant; but so that there’s something special in it for her, too, offer her a smile, a kiss, a coo, or a nuzzle now and then as you nurse and play.)

Set aside “private time.”
Even if it’s just half an hour, try to make some time to spend with each child alone. Instead of rushing through chores during baby’s naptime (tempting as that may be), spend some of it focusing your entire attention on your toddler. Bake together, read together, sort shapes together, color together—or just lie down and read or talk and snuggle together. When your toddler’s napping (if he still does) or is otherwise occupied—by himself or with a play
date—spend some quality time with your youngest, cuddling and exchanging coos. When another adult is around (accept offers of help from friends and family, if necessary), take turns spending time alone with each of the children. Or hire a neighborhood teenager to allow you some time alone with each child.

Spend time as a threesome.
Push your toddler on a swing at the playground while the baby takes in fascinating sights and sounds from the carriage. Put baby in an infant seat on the floor so she can watch you and your toddler roll a big, brightly colored ball back and forth. Build up your son’s ego and his brotherly instincts by putting him in charge of singing, dancing, making silly faces, and otherwise amusing his little sister (but
always
under your close supervision).

Consider an outside life for your toddler.
If he hasn’t begun preschool yet, now might be a good time to consider enrolling him for a few mornings or afternoons a week—not just so that you’ll have more time alone with the baby, but so that he’ll have some time
without
the baby.

“We have a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter and are expecting our second child in a few months. We can’t decide whether it would be better for our older daughter to move into the third bedroom, which we’d redecorate for her, or to stay where she is, in which case we’d make the other room into a second nursery.”

Since you probably don’t have a crystal ball, there’s no predicting how your toddler will respond to either option. If you move her, she may love the idea of a new room—or she may feel that the baby pushed her out of her old room. If she stays in her room, she may feel comforted by being in familiar surroundings—or she may be envious because the baby is getting all the new goodies.

If your toddler is fairly true to the eccentricities of her age group, chances are pretty good that she’ll be happier staying in her own room. Two-year-olds tend to favor the status quo over change; they derive security from sameness and ritual, particularly in times of stress. Even major redecorations of her own room could be unsettling to your toddler now. Being surrounded by her old bed and her old drapes and her old bedspread when the new baby arrives is probably most likely to bring her comfort.

On the other hand, given the unpredictability of toddlers, there’s also the possibility that yours may actually love having a new room, a new bed, new curtains, and new pictures on the wall. Your best bet (short of a crystal ball) may be to ask her how she feels about the issue: “Where do you think we should put the baby when it comes? Would you like it to go in the baby room, where you sleep now? Then we could make a special big girl room for you in the other bedroom. Would you like that? Or would you like to stay in the room you’re in now and give the other room to the baby?” Helping to make the decision will give her a sense of control over the situation, which will help her in dealing with the upheaval that is to come.

Whatever her decision, involve your toddler in the changes that are to be made. While you’ll need to pick out the big-ticket items, ask for her input in the selection of sheets, blankets, lamps, wall decorations, stuffed animals, and other accessories for the third bedroom, even if the baby will be the one to occupy it.
(It’s always wise not to give a toddler open-ended choices; pick out acceptable items in advance, then ask her to choose: “Do you think the baby would like the teddy bear sheets or the ones with the ducks?”) This will make her feel important—and feeling important will help her feel less threatened. If she’s chosen to stay in her old room, have her pick out a few new things to help spruce it up without changing it too much (a new comforter or set of sheets, a new doll or stuffed friend, a new night-light, a new rug, a new picture).

Be aware, however, that despite all of your efforts and good intentions, your toddler may still feel resentful of the little bundle in Mommy’s tummy that’s causing all the excitement. She may also decide to change her mind about which room she wants once the bundle is unwrapped at home. At that point, you’ll just have to remind her that she chose her own room and that’s where she’ll have to stay. A lot of extra support and attention (rather than a chorus of “You made your bed—you lie in it”) will help her learn to live with her decision.