Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (262 page)
Not expecting a live-in babysitter.
Resentment is bound to build if you require your older child to entertain her little brother on a regular basis—or if you oblige her to include your toddler in play with her friends. By all means commend her when she does take on this chore, but don’t expect it.
Not expecting her to “know better.”
Sometimes parents put too much of the responsibility for keeping the peace between siblings on the older child. Constantly pressuring your daughter to “give in” to her little brother because “he’s just a baby” or because “you’re older, you should know better” isn’t fair. Just because she was born first doesn’t mean her rights always have to come second.
Playing up the age advantage.
Your daughter will probably get a kick out of playing with her little brother if she can be the boss. Encourage games in which the older sibling makes the rules and the toddler is happy to follow them; for instance “mommy doggy and puppy,” “teacher and student,” “mommy and baby,” “doctor and patient.” Of course, in such play there’s always the chance that your toddler will eventually want the upper hand; see the next question.
But don’t overmanage the situation. Once you’ve set some standards (for privacy and protection of property), let your children try to work out some of the issues on their own. Step in only when tears flow or blows fly.
DORING SIB, INTOLERANT TODDLER
“Our six-year-old daughter can’t get enough of her toddler sister. But the little one rejects all of her older sister’s advances; she doesn’t want to be babied, she just wants to be left to do her own thing. And this, of course, upsets the older child.”
Some preschool and school-age children see a younger sibling as a plaything, a real live doll all their own. But often, much to their dismay, the “doll” has a mind of its own, and plans to incorporate the toddler-doll into their play are often not well received. Nor are efforts by the older child to be a junior “parent” always acceptable. Toddlers who are struggling for independence find it difficult enough to live under the domination of adult parents and may be unwilling to accept yet another family boss.
Explain as tactfully as you can to your older daughter her younger sister’s reluctance to be her plaything. Show her pictures of herself at her sister’s age, and rack your memory bank for a story or two of how she wanted to be her own little person, too. Suggest that her sister might prefer the games if she were allowed to be the one in charge—the parent, the doctor, the teacher, the leader, the instigator. Also propose other activities that the two could work on together that wouldn’t threaten the younger’s autonomy—painting a mural on a large sheet of paper, playing with modeling clay, making a collage, building with blocks. If your older daughter is beginning to read, having her practice her skills on her younger sibling might also be an acceptable activity for both children.
And if your older child doesn’t yet have a baby doll of her own, perhaps having one to care for might satisfy her parental cravings.
SIBLINGS 101
Today’s toddlers are probably the most educated in history. They are exposed to art classes, dancing classes, gym classes, music classes. But among the most valuable of these classes is the “sibling preparation class,” which prepares older children for the transition from only child to older child. Such classes are becoming as commonplace as childbirth preparation classes. And according to one study, these classes can make a significant difference in both how a child reacts to the new addition (less sibling rivalry was reported among those who’d taken the classes) and how the parents perceive their ability to cope with their suddenly expanded family. If at all possible, sign up your older-child-to-be before your due date.
IBLING SLUGFESTS
“Our two boys are two years apart. I thought that would make them close, but it seems all they do is fight.”
Not only is closeness in age no bar to fighting, it may sometimes encourage it—children who are close in age, after all, tend to have more contact with each other, tend to compete more with each other, and, consequently, tend to fight more with each other. But a certain amount of conflict between siblings is almost inevitable no matter what the age difference; while some siblings fight more than others, all fight at least occasionally. And bleak though the situation may seem at times, your battling children are getting more than practice in the martial arts. They are also getting practice in conflict resolution, social skills, and learning to get along with others—valuable preparation for life in the real world.
Fighting with a sibling is a safe way to learn how to settle disputes—since a sibling stays a sibling no matter how angry one is with the other, they don’t have to worry that the disputes will end the relationship. It also encourages working things through—while you can walk out on a play date (or even a friendship) without resolving a difference, you can’t walk away from a sibling, at least not for long. As tough as it may sometimes be for the parties involved, it’s necessary to settle sibling spats—whether through the use of negotiation, compromise, or, as often happens, fists.
The fighting tends to be physical more often when children are younger, especially when one sibling is a toddler. A toddler, after all, doesn’t yet have the capabilities for resolving conflicts verbally. Since his skills and interests are less advanced, he may also feel inadequate and impotent around the older sibling, and have the urge to lash out. (The older sibling may react with impatience and annoyance at this skill gap and also feel like lashing out.) In addition, toddlers usually don’t think before they act, and their thoughtless behavior can frustrate older siblings no end (as when the little tyke walks head-on into the Lego city it took big brother all day to erect).
But while you should view the disagreements between your children as normal and natural—which they are—you can help keep the skirmishes from escalating into all-out battles with these diplomatic maneuvers:
Don’t play favorites.
Comparing your children or favoring one over the other will only increase resentment, intensify the fighting, and possibly lead to lifelong problems in their relationship. For the child who’s not the favorite, a poor self-image and jealousy toward his sibling are the likely results; if it feels “safer” to fight with the sibling than the parent, he may even vent anger on his sibling that he truly feels toward his parents. For the child who
is
the favorite, the burden of being “the best” and having to live up to overblown parental expectations often results in a fear of failure (and ultimately, a fear of trying). No one emerges a winner.
STEPPING INTO A STEPFAMILY
While most toddlers gain brothers or sisters the traditional way, an increasing number of young children today take on siblings through “family blending.” But though movie and television depictions of stepfamilies (
Yours, Mine, and Ours; The Brady Bunch
) have made the blending look relatively easy (if a bit zany), it rarely is. Getting to know, and learning to get along with, new people is always a challenge; learning to live with them—at the breakfast table, in the bathroom, in the family room, in the back-yard—is truly formidable.
There are certainly advantages to introducing a child into a stepfamily during the toddler years rather than later. For one, there are many more years ahead in which to adjust and hit that Brady Bunch stride. For another, younger children, for all their ritualistic behavior, are actually more adaptable than they will be later on. For yet another, the lives of toddlers are somewhat less complicated than the lives of older kids: Though they, too, have to deal with the changing family dynamics when blending takes place, they don’t have to deal, as school-age children do, with the unsettling input of peers, or as teenagers do, with raging hormones.
But the changes that the blending of families can bring can take a toll on toddlers. So it’s important to keep as much continuity in your toddler’s life as possible as he or she struggles to adapt. Maintaining predictability in the little things—the same rituals at bedtime, bathtime, and breakfast, for example—will mean a lot to your toddler in terms of security. So will making time for just-the-two-of-you togetherness, which can help reassure that in the face of gaining a new family, he or she hasn’t lost you.
No matter what you do, sibling rivalry in the stepfamily is likely to be at least as intense, and sibling spats as frequent, as in traditional homes. A toddler who becomes a sibling through family blending is likely to experience many of the same emotions (jealousy, anger, and ambivalence) and to exhibit many of the same behaviors (including regression and rebellion) as the toddler who becomes a sibling the traditional way. And all of these can be dealt with by parents in stepfamilies in much the same way as they are dealt with in traditional families. But there are special issues that arise in stepfamilies that require special handling. For help, turn to The National Stepfamily Resource Center,
www.stepfamilies.info
.
Make sure you’re not, consciously or un-, making the rivalry worse—for instance, being less tolerant of one child because he reminds you too much of yourself, or because he’s so very different from you.
Ease competition.
Don’t make comparisons between children (see page 747); comparisons promote competitiveness. Give each child what he needs in terms of time, support, love, material goods, and so on, to make your children less compelled to compete for your love and attention. And remember that treating your children fairly doesn’t mean treating them exactly the same (see page 733).
Lead the way.
Your relationship with your spouse is a significant model for your children’s interactions with each other and with others. Parents teach their children valuable lessons about how to get along with those they care about when they are, for the most part, respectful, responsive, patient, loving, and generous with each other; when they try not to pick on each other or be overly critical or demanding; when they cooperate and compromise. And don’t just stop there—set a good example through your relationships with friends and extended family as well.
Minimize stress.
Excessive stress in the home—no matter the source—can cause sparks to fly in every direction, including from sibling to sibling.
Fight right.
No matter how much you love and respect your spouse, living together in a perpetual state of perfect harmony isn’t possible. Every couple argues sometimes, and that’s fine. But avoid the down-and-dirty types of domestic squabbles in front of your children. If they are daily witnesses to these, they’re much more likely to handle their own disagreements in an equally nasty style. If, however, they see their parents arguing without name calling, fist banging, or door slamming, they’re more likely to learn to resolve conflicts with their siblings (and others) in a mature way—at least eventually.
Be respectful.
Do unto your children what you would have them do unto each other. Children who are treated with consideration and whose possessions and privacy are respected are more likely to extend the same courtesy to others—even occasionally to their siblings. Children who are constantly picked on and criticized, on the other hand, are liable to be critical and picky with their siblings. And children who are spanked can be expected to use physical force routinely on their siblings.
Validate their feelings . . .
Acknowledge that it’s hard to get along with someone who is
always
around, like a sibling or a parent—even if you love him or her. Assure your children that it’s perfectly acceptable to disagree with your sibling, to be angry with him, even to get so mad that sometimes you feel you don’t like or love him. Listen to all complaints and feelings (even if they seem overblown or irrational) with an objective and sympathetic ear. Don’t discourage the verbal (“He’s so stupid!”) or artistic (“That picture is my bad brother!”) expression of any negative emotions. When you listen without judging, your child will be relieved not only of the bad feelings but of the fear that you’ll be angry at him for feeling angry at his sibling.
. . . but not their unacceptable actions.
Make it clear that it’s
not
okay to hit, bite, kick, or otherwise physically abuse a sibling (or anyone else, for that matter). Repeatedly remind your children that things usually work out better when you try to settle them with words and ideas instead of fists.
Don’t instill guilt.
Berating your child with “How could you fight with your brother?” not only won’t make the angry feelings go away; it could actually intensify them.
Identify with the combatants.
If you had a sibling you fought with frequently as a child, tell them about your experiences—especially if you now have a good relationship with that sib.
Understand their positions.
Each child feels at a disadvantage in the sibling relationship—the elder because he senses he’s expected to be the “adult”
and to give in more often, while, at least in his perception, little or nothing is demanded from his younger sib; the younger because he is less coordinated, smaller, has less verbal ability, and can’t compete (except by being the “baby”). Like anyone who feels at a disadvantage, they both often become frustrated, angry, and explosive in difficult situations.
What can you do? Recognize that it’s not fair to expect your older child to act the adult when relating to his toddler sibling, and be sure his seniority grants him plenty of benefits as well as responsibilities (see page 734 for how to help an older child deal with a trying younger sib). And help the younger to improve his skills and express his feelings verbally (“Are you mad because Josh took your truck while you were playing with it?”). Show him that he can do better if he acts in a grown-up way (“Come, ask him to please give you back your truck”).