Vacation Hell: Princess of Hell #4 (15 page)

While my dad feigned inattention, I craned to see what had the crowd at the far end of the room aflutter. I could hear snatches of conversation.

“Who is that woman?”

“Are those tentacles?”

“Does she have three breasts?”

Indeed the unknown woman did. She came gliding up the cleared area left open by tables placed in a u-shape. The entertainment—sword swallowers, dancers, and other damned souls hired for the event—moved out of her way. I could see why. The woman projected presence, and three breasts encased in a tight mermaid dress that shimmered with all the colors of the sea. From under the hem, I thought I saw something slither. But I blinked, and it was gone.

Dark hair in shining, green, curly waves danced down her back, the strands almost alive much like Medusa’s serpentine crown. The woman sashayed her way, head held high, an imperious tilt to her head and smile.

I disliked her on sight, especially since she drew so many eyes, including that of my consort.

I growled at Auric. “You’d better not be staring at her triple boobs.”

“Do you know who that is?” he whispered back.

A dead woman if she so much as looked at any of my men.

I heard my dad groan. “Fuck me, the sea hag is back.”

“The sea hag is back.”
The words were repeated in a chain reaction by all those present as the woman continued her sinuous glide between the tables headed straight for my mom and dad.

I felt no remorse at eavesdropping on my parents.

“You can stop staring anytime,” grumbled Gaia, and I noted her elbow drew back and jabbed Daddy in the ribs.

Not at all perturbed, my father clasped her hand in his. “And deny you the enjoyment of jealousy? Even I am not so selfish, wench.”

“I am not jealous.”

“Such a liar,” he murmured. “I love it. I know you hate the fact I slept with her.”

I blinked. My dad slept with that woman? Ugh.

“I don’t believe it. That’s Ursula,” Teivel muttered in a low breath.

“You know her?”

“Know of her, and she is bad news,” Teivel murmured against my ear. “We should be wary.”

“At least you didn’t marry her. What is my ex-wife doing here?” groaned Neptune before he ducked down behind the table.

Ex-wife? Holy shit. It seemed my dad’s boring party was about to get more exciting. About time.

My father shifted in his seat as he grumbled. “I don’t fucking know, and I don’t like it. Who had the balls to invite the hag to my party?”

“I thought she was locked in another dimension after her
incident
,” my mother whispered with a gesture, the coo-coo one that involved circling a finger at her temple.

“Yes, I was locked away. Cruelly and unjustly,” the hag said when she reached the head table. But she didn’t just stop. She posed, angling a hip and placing a hand on it. I was sure she meant to look sexy, yet there was something cold and dark in her eyes. Something that said she’d eat you—and not in a nice, slurpy kind of way.

My dad replied to her accusation. “You went off your rocker and tried to destroy the world. That kind of thing tends to get noticed.”

She had? Why had I not heard of this? Exactly how many secrets did my father keep from me? If I was to take over one day, I needed to know this kind of stuff. I also wanted to know what the heck this sea hag person was planning because I could feel power pulsing from her in waves. The woman leaked energy, and for a moment, my magic stirred with interest. It could use a new foreign flavor.

Not happening. I slammed the door shut on it. Women were cute. I liked playing with titties, and a pussy, my own I should add. But when it came to intimate acts, give me a dick, or three. Or if a certain merman would stop being so stubborn, four.

“I was a tad upset after my breakup with that cheating manwhore.” The woman’s storm-sea eyes narrowed on Neptune, despite his attempt to cower behind the table.

The sea god finally found a pair and came out of hiding. Neptune straightened in his seat, thrust his shoulders back, and stroked his beard. “Maybe I wouldn’t have had to step out if you put out more.”

An “oooh” went through the room, and I was a part of it. In a sense, I could understand Neptune cheating. People had needs, but still, I knew what I’d do if my men ever stepped out on me—and, no, I didn’t consider what I’d done with Tristan the same. As Auric explained as I’d sobbed in regret, “You do what you have to in order to survive.” Some people had to kill. Some people had to pretend to like things. I had to have awesome sex.

My life was utterly warped, yet fun.

I think the whole room held its breath as we waited for Ursula to react.

Nothing happened, unless we counted the appearance of a tiny tic by Ursula’s left eye.

“Who truly cares who’s at fault?” Ursula coughed in her hand. “You.” She smiled, and it had all the warmth of a shark’s grin. “I am back now, and I didn’t come here to rehash the past. I’ve had time to get over that silliness. I have a much better sex life now.” Her laughter emerged high-pitched and ominous. “Today is one of celebration. The Lord of the Pit, the demon who helped lock me away in that dreary dimension, with no one to speak to but my constructs and unevolved creatures, is planning to get married. That deserves a gift.”

No fair. How come my daddy got all the presents? As a princess, and heir, shouldn’t she cater to my goodwill, too?

“How about returning the wilds back the way they were?”

Ah yes, the wilds, which had apparently turned into a sea. A shame because the spiders in the wild swamp used to make the strongest silk.

Ursula flung her head back and placed a hand upon her temple. “Trying to kick me out of my new home already? And after all the time and effort I spent creating it?” She snorted and tilted her head to face him. Her swirling eyes took on the color of an arctic sea, cold and uncompromising. “Not happening. I am back, bitches, and I am here to stay. And in a gesture of goodwill and a sincere wish to make things work, I want to give you the kiss of peace.”

I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one disappointed by her offer. A little violence and mayhem would have really livened up the party. I’d bought new stilettos for the occasion, the tips pointed enough to puncture—for which I was in trouble for demonstrating on Teivel’s motorcycle tire. Apparently, his custom wheels were expensive.

As Ursula’s juicy red lips puckered for a kiss, my dad recoiled. “Couldn’t we just shake?”

Was I the only one who noticed Ursula’s tightening jaw? Someone was a little insulted.

“In order to make the peace between us binding, it requires something a little more
intimate
.”

I blinked and thought happy thoughts, like me beheading Azazel and his minions, lest I go blind at the very thought of my dad and Ursula doing the wild thing.

In what I think shocked more than a few of us, my mother seemed on board with Ursula’s demand. My mom shoved my dad and rebuked him. “Don’t be such an imp. It’s just a kiss. Take it like a demon and get this over with.”

“But you told me I wasn’t allowed to touch anyone else. You threatened”—my dad lowered his voice, but my hearing was still good enough to hear—“my manparts if I did.”

“You still aren’t, except for this one case. Now pucker up, buttercup, and take your kiss like a big boy.”

“Fine. But I won’t like it.” The grimace on Dad’s face owed more than just telling the truth. He really didn’t want to kiss Ursula. And that said a lot given my dad would kiss just about anything, even a pig in lipstick. I had the picture proof locked away in a safe for future blackmail.

With a look much like that of a man expected to walk himself to the gallows, my dad leaned forward and presented his mouth. Puckered like a fish. He closed his eyes, too, as Ursula pressed in close, her heaving three bosoms leaning forward and threatening the low-cut décolletage. My dad, however, didn’t move in for the kiss. He held himself rigid and morose.

Not daunted by his lack of interest, Ursula angled forward just far enough that she could press her lips against my dad’s. The room held its breath, and perhaps it was the stillness that let me feel the tiniest of jolts in the air.

A spell had been triggered. But where, and what?

As I scanned the room, eyeballing, in turn, the guests, I saw nothing amiss. Everyone seemed intent on what occurred at the head table.

They were probably disappointed. I knew I was. Nothing happened. No screaming or bloodshed or monster from the deep bursting through the slag and embarking on a rampaging slither through the castle, eating guests. A shame. I’d heard the stories of the reception in seven ninety-two B.C. People still sang of the mighty battle against the serpent who lived in the core of our world.

But we didn’t get to scream—in delight—or draw a weapon—which, while banned from the reception, I could guarantee hid upon many a body present. I wore knives, enchanted to be invisible where they were strapped on my arm.

Nothing happened. Not even my dad tossing Ursula on the table in front of my mother and having his way with her. I’d never seen it happen, but again, according to history, daddy dear wasn’t shy.

Alas, he didn’t give my mother a reason to call off the wedding. He stood, a statue with a stunned look on his face.

A relieved sigh went through the room as it didn’t explode into a ball of flame and the guests didn’t see the floor crack open and swallow them. So boring.

I drummed my nails on the table and frowned as I noted my dad quickly scanning the room. What did he look for? Why was he suddenly smiling like an escaped mental patient with an axe and a head full of voices?

I leaned close to Auric. “Something’s wrong with my dad.”

“There’s a lot of things wrong with him. You’ll have to be more specific,” was my consort’s retort.

Yet Teivel must have caught some of what I did. He rose from his seat and took a step back. He did that only when he planned to leap. As he’d confided, to look cool, always leave enough room to jump. It didn’t provoke the right kind of terror if you leaped and caught your foot on something and landed on your face.

I silently urged him to tackle Ursula.

But, instead, I think we all froze a little and wondered if we were about to die because my dad held out his arms wide, cracked an even wider grin on his face, showing all of his white, so very white, chomping teeth. “I love you! Each and every one of you. Group hug!”

Hug? From my dad? What had we done that he wanted to punish us? I caught Bambi’s eye, and she shook her head and rolled her shoulders. I wasn’t alone in wondering what the heck was going on.

Daddy wiggled his arms, beckoning with the tips of his fingers. “Come on. Don’t be shy. Let’s share the love.”

My mother rose from her seat, her frothy gown making only the barest whisper of sound. “Um, Luc, are you feeling all right?” She placed her hand lightly on his arm.

Dad whirled, and I sucked in a breath. Was he going to finally make me a half orphan? He grasped Gaia’s hand and didn’t crush it. Instead, the oddest look crossed his face. “Never better, my beautiful fiancée. Have I told you how much I love you? And how excited I am that we’re getting married and spending the rest of our lives together? Ooh. Do you know what would make our wedding day even better?” my father gushed.

My. Father. Gushed. Something was seriously wrong.

Even my mother noted it as she said tentatively, “What?”

“Abstaining from intimate acts until the big day.”

As my mother gasped, “What?” Auric muttered, “Okay, you were right. Something is seriously wrong.”

Someone was seriously broken, and I could have sobbed as I heard my father’s next emasculating words.

“Think of it as me showing my respect and affection for you. My beloved.” The wide smile on Dad’s face should have appeared beatific. The devil’s face wasn’t meant for that kind of unnatural grin. He frightened me, and more than a few people gagged.

“Luc, are you screwing with me?” I could hear and see the worry in Gaia’s query.

“Never, my gentle dove.” Daddy clasped Gaia’s hand to his chest as he uttered the most fervent, and stomach-churning, truth.

Gaia tore her hand from his grip and whirled away. I could see the shock and disbelief on her face, but only for an instant before rage tightened her features. Up popped her head, green eyes blazing with flower power—which I could admit was kind of cool. Hands braced on her hips, Gaia barked, “Get your fat ass back here, you psycho, dimension-escaping hussy. What did you do to Lucifer?”

Only as I tore my gaze from the fascinating scene unfolding between my parents did I note Ursula seemed intent on making her escape. Yet, at my mother’s words, she stopped and pivoted.

Ursula clutched at her breast and widened her eyes in a look of innocence I didn’t buy for a minute. “What did I do? Why only what I said I would. I gave Lucifer the gift of peace. Oh, and it might have had a smidgen of love and respect in there. Look at him. He’s a changed man already.” From deep within her three-boobed bosom emerged a laugh, the slow, rolling chuckle of pure evil. “Muahahaha. Muahahahaha.”

Damn, I should have taken notes because she had that chuckle down to a tee.

“Change him back,” my mother growled.

Ursula tapped a manicured nail against her chin, as if in thought. A smirk twisted her lips. “Um, no. Like I said, the bitch is back, and I am promising some trouble. Enjoy your pussy of a boyfriend!”

My dad, a pussy? Never.

Before anyone could tackle her ample ass, with a snap of her fingers and a poof of smoke, Ursula disappeared from sight.

“Wasn’t that just lovely of her to pop in like that?” said my dad with a hundred-watt smile. “Now who wants some cake? Don’t forget to say please.”

I think I might have let loose a sob at that point. I do know Auric’s arm came around me. He whispered, “Don’t worry. We’ll figure out what’s wrong and fix him.”

But we couldn’t fix what we couldn’t find. It wasn’t for a lack of trying. Even Nefertiti could not detect a spell on him.

The Egyptian sorceress, in her youthful guise and wearing the sheerest, and clingiest, of togas, removed her fingers from my dad’s temple. “I cannot find any traces of magic on him.”