Vacation Hell: Princess of Hell #4 (12 page)

M
aking
a grand entrance wasn’t new for me. From an early age, I had an audience cataloguing my every move. You might have seen the result in my first autobiography,
Lucifer’s Daughter
.

So I knew how to hold myself and command attention, to incite lust, to pull off the impossible, and look stylish doing it. Imagine now, if you would, the gray-ribbed upper shell of a massive clam, slowly opening, the curtain-like drip of sluicing ocean water hiding the contents.

Surprise, it was me stepping forth from a giant clamshell a la Venus. Even my dad, with all his spectacular ties, had never achieved anything so garish. Point for me.

Where I lost some of the wow factor was the fact that I stepped from the big, gooey thing without a priceless giant black pearl, and instead of a red carpet and an appreciative crowd of damned souls, I emerged onto a ship deck, that of the
S.S. Sushimaker
to be exact, named because it sliced and diced.

I meant this quite literally. My dad’s giant battle cruiser had some big freaking propellers at the back, which sliced and diced and made messy fish fries. Daddy and Charon liked the seafood thing. Personally, I preferred red meat. Fresh red meat. Tube steak to be exact.

But I mentally wandered—to a more interesting place apparently than the deck of this battle cruiser. Charon served as admiral on the boat, which even I had to admit was a marvel of invention.

As warships went, this one was pretty sweet. Strung together on a metal framework covered in sheeted steel for durability, this sucker could withstand any sea monster attack. So long as nothing tipped it.

As to what powered it, given combustion and other types of science-based engines didn’t always work reliably in the pit, the crew on the
Sushimaker
doubled as oarsmen, who sang.

Row, row, row this fucking boat, to the heart of Darkling Sea, and then there came a mighty whale, who sprayed us with its seed.

The Vikings were a raunchy bunch. Yummy too. Big, blond, muscled men who stroked—and
stroked
—their massive, corded arms, pumping—yes,
pumping
—those oars, fast and steady. Back and forth and back, the stripped bare torsos gleaming with sweat, the muscles bunching and relaxing and…

I wonder if I could sneak off for a peek and hello.

Probably not right now, given the shell had opened and I was greeted by a few too many folks standing ready to do battle, daring to aim weapons at me!

A shame they were allies. It might have proven fun to remind them who could whip their ass.

Not as much fun as driving Tristan crazy.

But speaking of crazy, I could just imagine the type of insanity happening back at the villa. Poor Auric, which, in turn, meant poor David, as Auric would rampage. Teivel would coldly mock, and all because I’d disappeared in the belly of a sea monster. What I found weird, though, was apparently my guys had not panicked enough to tell my dad about my disappearance because he looked more shocked than relieved to see me.

“Well, I’ll damn myself, Muriel, what in the nine fucking circles are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation with your harem of men and your daughter?”

Since my father held his hand out in an unexpected gesture of cordiality, I took it and hopped over the lips of the clamshell onto the deck.

“Yeah, well, you know how it is. My beachside holiday turned into a clusterfuck. New lover. New threat to Hell. Story of my life. So once again, I’m here to save the day and your hairy ass.”

“I’ll have you know I had it waxed earlier this week.”

Boundaries just didn’t exist with Dad. I knew this, and yet I groaned anyway. “Too much info. Anyhow—hold on a second, is that a ducky with horns on your slicker?”

Thrusting his shoulders back in pride, Lucifer offered a shining white smile as he showed off his latest fashion sensation. “Yes. Do you like it?”

“Only you could hope to carry it off,” I replied. And it was true. Only my father could hope to wear a slicker sporting horned ducks and still project that majestic air that screamed, ‘piss me off and I will roast your toes and eat them with some cheese and crackers’. I was more of a rib kind of girl. “And is that Gaia standing on the prow of the ship with her arms spread wide? What is she doing?” My weirdo of a mother stood face to the wind, and so tempting a great black shark to come vaulting from the waves to chew it off.

It could happen. I’d seen it in a movie. Best thriller movie ever. Everyone died. Well, except for the shark. He was, after all, the hero of the piece.

Alas, the mother I was still learning to bond with did not get chomped in half and apparently wasn’t trying to be bait.

“Don’t ask. Someone has watched
Titanic
one too many times. But forget about Gaia and her obsession with a certain movie. What are you doing here on my boat?”

The niceties done with, we got down to the real business of why I was here. “We’ve got a problem. It seems some big, bad entity, who was locked away like eons ago, wants back into our plane of existence.”

Some days I had to wonder at my life. I mean, when it wasn’t a crazy do-gooder like Gabriel, or an angry biblical broad named Lilith, screwing with me, then it was a pink dragon for my daughter and a merman I couldn’t seem to resist bonding with. Add in interdimensional super villain and it was a wonder I managed to get out of bed each day. But I did it because I loved it. Complained a lot, too. But most of the time, I loved having a purpose and meaning to my existence. A bit of zest and fun to brighten my days.

Who wanted the boringness of normalcy? I wasn’t alone in my preference. The man who taught me to be me shared the same precept.

My dad drew in his stomach and straightened a dozen or so inches. Yeah, it was freaky the first few times he did it. After all, it was hard for people not to notice he didn’t remain the same size. I loved Daddy’s ability to grow because I never got too big for him to piggyback. I was still his partner every year at the hot sulfur spring annual Scalding Titties Volleyball match. You’ll never guess who named it. Okay, maybe you could guess. The nutjob in front of me, and did I mention Daddy was wearing great big yellow rain boots? They totally matched that crazy, freaking slicker with the horned duckies, who I swear were watching me.

I could tell my dad’s agitation at my announcement of a new enemy threatening Hell. Wisps of smoke curled from his ears, and I suddenly had an urge for bacon.

“Well, too fucking bad. Whoever it is will have to find another dimension to crash in because I’m not letting it cross over.”

Except the problem was my daddy dear might not get a say in the matter. “You might not want to, but I don’t know if you’ll have a choice. Apparently, there’s a key to unlocking the doorway between our world and whatever plane of existence this psycho power is on. The good news is we can destroy the key. It took us—”

My father honed in on my choice of word. “Us? Us as in who?”

Dammit. I didn’t have time to go into the weird new complication in my life—a complication who truly needed to start wearing clothes and a chastity belt.

What to tell my dad? Lie about Tristan, his best friend’s son? I could hear the conversation now.

“Poseidon!” What my dad called Neptune when he was pissed at him. “How dare your son lay his filthy hands on my daughter?”

Neptune, “Let’s go to the titty bar.”

“Okay.”

So my father could be bought. At least he had a price. Apparently, I didn’t. I might not have had winky-to-pinky sex, but I’d done enough naughty-naughty with Tristan to bind him to me. He was mine.

All mine. Don’t touch.

An irritated sigh blew past my lips. “My newest addition to the family. You’ll meet him later. Anyhow, it took us a little while to figure it out, but apparently there’s a chick who can cast a spell to open some mega doorway that will call this thing and let it in.” They needed to find her, and quick, although, it might already be too late. Neptune seemed to believe the mermaids already had her in their slimy, cold claws.

“Who is she? We’ll rip her vocal cords out before she can shout ‘Boo!’” My father’s eyes gleamed. I could tell what he thought. Great PR moment. I could see his thinking so clearly because it was exactly what I would do.

Perform some hands-on heroics—involving lots of blood and screaming for special effect—to save his iron-fisted dominion over Hell. Daddy’s supporters would love the grand—and probably gruesome—gesture, and the HBC ratings would go wild.

If we were lucky, he’d get his wish. “According to all indications, in other words, some fish guts spread on some weird psychic’s beach, she’s somewhere around here. Maybe you’ve seen or heard of her. Name’s Jenny. Apparently, she’s got a killer voice.”

Cue the dramatic music. It didn’t take someone clearing their throat for me to realize I’d said something important. My words hung in the air, a breathless moment before the future split into a fork. Which way would we take?

I saw a shine of anticipation lighting my father’s eyes, but it wasn’t he who replied to me.

“Jenny is who we’ve come to rescue,” an attractive man announced, the fervor in his tone unmistakable, the clenched fists at his side even more telling.

As the body of the lanky man straightened, I realized I knew him. It was Felipe, Ysabel’s hellcat. We’d never technically met before, but I’d read the dossier, front to back, twice. Lately, I found myself reading more files than I cared to recall as I familiarized myself with Daddy’s staff. I acquainted myself with people of interest. Some might speculate I trained to take someone’s place. Yes and no.

I started taking more of an interest after my run-in with Lilith. It was the fact that she could get to me, and not just hurt me but try and hurt my family that stung most. It made me realize that I couldn’t hide from some of the responsibilities that came with my princess position. One of those responsibilities, oddly enough, was self-preservation. By keeping myself safe, my family—cough, Auric—wouldn’t act too rashly to rescue me.

As it turned out, Teivel held a canny grasp of politics and history. He taught me to think about my actions before killing something, which I still said was more expedient.

But I was trying to be a good student—teacher’s pet with the outfit to play the part. And how did this relate to Felipe?

Well, it meant I recalled Teivel saying to try and not kill people considered friends or allies, as it could cause a few headaches. In this case, the math was simple. Since I liked Ysabel, I would hate to have to end her existence if she came after me when I skinned Felipe, her cat.

Yet what to do if Felipe planned to get in my way? I didn’t need Venus, that bubble-headed so-called goddess of love, for me to see Felipe had a thing for this Jenny.

He cares for her.
And yet, I knew that showing mercy to save Jenny just because he loved her didn’t outweigh the wellbeing of billions. Jenny needed to die, and I wasn’t just being altruistic about it. Anything unknown entering this plane of existence could prove a threat to my daughter. Her safety was my priority.

I shook my head. “Forget rescue. She needs to get taken out before the mermaids use her to let the big bad in.” Mermaids were nothing like I’d imagined. It truly made me wonder where that whole romantic idea for that mermaid fairy tale came from. In reality, the mermaid I’d met would have lured Prince Eric, then eaten him, then regurgitated him to feed to her ravenous little tadpole babies.

Ugh. But apparently, this Jenny that Felipe seemed so fond of was not a mermaid herself. Or so I assumed since Felipe certainly didn’t seem to be missing any body parts. Or did he? I stared at his crotch surreptitiously.

The fists at Felipe’s sides tightened to white knuckles, and he growled. “You mean kill her? Like fuck.”

What shocked me more was my dad’s frown and choice. “I kind of agree with the cat here. Surely there’s a better way. I’ve got my own prophecy, and it says she’s going to help in the battle that’s coming.”

“A battle we can avoid if she’s dead before she starts it.”

As soon as I spoke the words, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. I could almost see the gears in my dad’s head churning. In his eyes, I’m sure he thought I wanted to ruin his fun. Dear daddy did so love his little wars. Yet, before he could forbid me from meddling, Felipe inserted himself in front of me, defying me.

“I won’t allow it.” Every inch of him bristled with promised aggression.

Seriously? Did he understand who he was screwing with here?

My eyes narrowed as I fixed Felipe with a hard stare, one I’d learned from Daddy and that I’d practiced in a mirror. “Excuse me, but who in Hell are you?” I knew, but I thought it was time for a formal introduction.

“I think the better question is, who the fuck do you think you are?”

It was one thing for me to pretend ignorance at his identity, another for him to claim he didn’t know mine. Except, staring at him, I realized he didn’t show an ounce of recognition. More than a little indignant, I huffed. “That’s it. I’m calling the PR department. As
Lucifer’s daughter
, I demand more respect!” Perhaps I might have proven more intimidating if I’d dressed for the part. I had the right posture, head tossed back, hip angled, hand on it. However, wearing a skimpy bikini, flip-flops, and with tangled surfer hair, I knew I projected a just-rolled-in-the-sand-for-fun look rather than ass-kicking Princess of Hell.

“I don’t care who your daddy is,
princess.
You’re not killing Jenny.”

If I didn’t already have a now quad-sized harem, his cocky attitude might have proven more attractive. I usually liked an attractive man with a bit of alpha. Usually. Yet I felt not a glimmer for this attractive man. Not a single drop. If I truly wanted to analyze why, I’d say it was because I already had one shapeshifting feline bonded to me. It seemed that aspect of my magic was satisfied.

I had to wonder just how many facets my magic possessed. In other words, how many more men would it force me to bond with?