Vacation Hell: Princess of Hell #4 (14 page)

Sigh.

I just might have to get me one of those.

Funny how the idea of having more men kept insinuating itself. Worse, it was wigging me out less and less.

I noticed my dad’s yellow slicker had emerged from the messy fight looking clean. I had to wonder if perhaps I should invest in rubber as a suit. A quick rinse after battle would save me dry cleaning bills.

“Muriel, my favorite daughter,” my daddy exclaimed, heading toward me.

“That’s not very nice to say, considering you have like, what, a hundred others.”

“Sibling rivalry is a healthy thing in any family.”

“We’re not just any family.”

“Correct, we are Hell’s premier family and, as such, must set the most wicked example.”

Arguing with Dad was pointless at times, so I distracted him for the win. “I’m thinking of getting married. You know, tying the knot, maybe even in a church.” An unconsecrated one, seeing as how I’d like my guests to survive. My uncle had this whole burst-into-flames thing going when evil things tried to get inside one of his worshipping spots.

“You’re getting married? Stupendous.” My dad beamed.

I almost choked. Since when did my daddy approve of legalizing relationships? “What happened to ‘Muriel, I’m so proud you’re living in sin’?”

“Well, your mother has managed to make me see the light. We’re engaged.”

“You’re what?”

“Engaged. As in going to also get married? We should make it a double ceremony.”

“No.” I gasped, in more than a little shock.

“The abject look of disgust on your face is enough to tell me this is the right choice.”

“Dad, you can’t do this. I know she’s been trying to make up to us and all, but have you forgotten everything she did? Are you sure you want to do something like that?”

“Your suspicion, while justified, is misplaced.” I didn’t need to smell flowers to know mommy dearest had arrived to shove her perky little nose into the conversation.

I glared at her. “I don’t see what’s wrong with the pair of you shacking up. Maybe in different houses. On different planes.” Because just seeing my dad hug Gaia tightly to his side made me ill.

Immaculate conception. I didn’t care what anyone said. No way could I, or would I, picture my parents doing it. Gross times a million.

“Put on your big-girl panties for at least a few minutes in between boyfriends and realize that your father and I care for each other and want to be there for you and Lucinda.”

Look at that, not even sushi lunchtime and I was already gagging. I needed to change the subject and quick. “Who’s that girl who popped out of the bubble with Felipe?” While I thought I knew, confirmation was always a good idea.

“That is Jenny, the girl you wanted to kill.”

As I eyed her, I couldn’t help but think it wouldn’t have taken much to flatten her.

“Is there any point in ending her existence?” I asked.

“Not anymore. What’s done is done,” my father said ominously.

“We should go introduce ourselves,” my mother said, patting her hair and smoothing her skirts.

“Indeed we should,” intoned by my father in an eager voice.

Exactly what was the old devil up to now? I wasn’t the only one who didn’t trust his grin. Jenny inched closer to Felipe.

“Welcome aboard the
S.S. Sushimaker
. So glad you both survived.” My father boomed his welcome and opened his arms wide.

In the sudden silence, we all heard the whispered, “Who is he?” from Jenny.

A snicker wasn’t stopped in time. My dad heard me. Just like he heard Jenny. He took offense.

Flames flashed in his eyes, and my dad made a melodramatic grab of his chest—which wasn’t where he kept his heart. Only someone with no enemies would ever risk an organ that important by toting it around.

I had enemies, but also a cocky attitude. Not to mention I still preferred to care, so I kept mine with me.

My father cared, too, in his own way, mostly about his reputation. “Kill me now! Or not. It seems it’s not just my daughter who needs the PR department to step up their game or face eternal torture. I am the one and only mighty dark lord, king of the underworld, the punisher of sins, the—”

“Oh, can it,” muttered my mom. “That’s Lucifer, and I’m Mother Earth, but you may call me Gaia.”

Well if everyone was going to play the nice-to-meet-you game, then I might as well join in. “And I’m—”

Jenny’s eyes brightened, and her trepidation erupted into a bright smile. “Lucifer’s daughter. A pleasure to meet you!”

“Hold on a second. You know Muriel, but didn’t recognize me?” The revelation didn’t please my dad, judging by the smoke curling from his nose.

“Uh, well, yeah. My aunts and I have been following her exploits for years. She’s quite the celebrity on the isle.”

I had to admit I was starting to like the girl, and it totally had to do with the hero worship in her eyes. It also meant I could totally get away with sticking out my tongue at my dad and saying, because I was the ultimate brat, “In your face. Finally someone who recognizes greatness.”

I’m sure my dad might have snapped his fingers and turned me into dust on the spot if I wasn’t his heir, and his favorite. Still, I smartly kept an eye on him, lest his ego talk him into killing me. I still remembered the history lessons on the Greek gods who took killing their progeny to a new level.

Apparently not everyone was wondering if my father would commit daughter-cide. Felipe apparently thought we should talk about what just happened.

“Anyone care to fill us in on what happened? I missed it when the flash of light closed the hole. Did we stop whatever was on the other side from coming through?” Felipe asked.

Judging by the exchanged glances and shrugs all around, no one quite knew.

Personally, I highly doubted something had gone through all that trouble only to fail to slip into Hell. Chances were some new menace had invaded our borders. Sweet. I’d have to make sure my sword was sharpened. Oh and find a babysitter for Lucinda in case this mommy had to take some daddies hunting.

Wee baby demon, mommy’s gone a-hunting, to find herself some evil skin to wrap her baby demon in.

In Hell, we knew the originals to all those classic nursery rhymes. It was amazing how some of them had changed to placate the bleeding hearts who abhorred violence like Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack got eaten by a sea monster as he jumped over the Styx. Barely a bite, so the legend said.

From the corner of my eye, I caught an approaching mound of water and couldn’t help a pitter-patter of my heart then deflation as I realized it was only Neptune. Or, as he liked to be called when at sea, Poseidon.

Soon enough I’ll call him Dad.

Gulp. No. I wasn’t taking Tristan in. I was not a home for lost, oversexed men. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t mind having a home for oversexed men, but I already had three. And, I should add, only three holes for them to stick dicks in. No more orifices for a fourth, so acquiring Tristan, despite the bond, would be a waste.

What about giving him a hand?

Technically, I had two. Groan. Bad enough contemplating and fighting against accepting one more man, no way would I take in two.

The mini wave spit Neptune onto the boat’s deck, and he swapped his merman tail for legs—and, thankfully, a loincloth. While Neptune might appear as an attractive older man, I had no interest in seeing his sea serpent. At all. Which was good, right? It meant my magic radar might want a merman for my harem, but not just any merman would do.

Neptune’s voice boomed. “Seeing as how we’re all accounted for and not under attack, I’d say whatever was attempting to come over failed.”

No one stole the limelight from my father. I caught the glare he tossed Neptune as he cleared his throat. “Yes, as my old salty friend here said, nothing happened. I, on the other hand, might cause some damage if I don’t get some food. Anyone in the mood for sushi?”

Given the number of groans, mine being the loudest, not really.

“Something is rising on the starboard side,” shouted the lookout from his post.

Good grief, what now? Had whatever jumped through the rift recovered quickly enough to attack?

Someone muttered, “Relax. It’s friends, not foes.”

From the roiling waves emerged a slick white sub, and I wasn’t surprised to hear my dad bark, “Who the fuck owns that?”

Funny question because, knowing my dad, they wouldn’t own it for long.

Jenny yelled, “Hold your fire.”

More than a few people winced, and I had an urge to poke a knife in my ear, but it passed.

“Do you know who that submarine belongs to?” asked my daddy with a frown. The answer was quickly discovered, as a bevy of women emerged from it, the reclusive sirens who’d apparently raised Jenny. My dad didn’t care who they were. “No fair. They have a sub? How come I don’t have a sub? How am I supposed to demand and inspire respect when you women have cooler toys than me? This is so unfair.”

Neptune tossed an arm around his shoulder. “I agree, dude. But I have something they don’t have. Mortal realm scotch from an English naval wreck. Care to share a glass while we discuss business affairs?”

“Shouldn’t we talk about what tried to come through the rift and what we’re going to do to make sure it doesn’t try again?” I asked, moving toward them. “I’ve got a vacation to return to, and I’d like to know I can actually enjoy it without getting interrupted with a need to come to your rescue again.”

Daddy snorted. “Rescue? Ha. The only thing that needs saving is me, from the machinations of your mother as she tries to drag me to the altar. I mean, whoever heard of such a thing, the devil getting married? Respectability”—he shuddered—“is something no man should ever suffer.”

“What happened to let’s do a double wedding?”

“Moment of insanity. Just like when I agreed to tie the knot. Oh the horror. The suffering.”

I planted my hands on my hips and glared. “The suffering? Give me a break. What about me?” I had a dilemma about a reluctant merman who didn’t want to join my merry band. “What about the world?”

But Daddy and Neptune ignored me as they exposited about the horrors of marriage.

“They make you lift the toilet seat.”

“Give them the biggest piece of cake.”

“Expect you to give them an orgasm when you’re already done.”

“Sometimes they even want to cuddle.”

The more my dad and Neptune bitched, the more my jaw dropped until I finally turned to my mother, who’d followed along silently. “Aren’t you going to say something?”

“Say what? All those things are true. Wives do expect those and more. We like to make sure to keep our husbands on their toes.”

“Speaking from experience? Just how many husbands have you had?”

Gaia smiled. “Only the one, for less than a day, but don’t forget, I see everything that happens on the mortal realm. I’ve lived thousands of marriages vicariously through others. Why should mine and Luc’s be any different?”

“Because.”

“Because?” She arched a brow. “That’s not an answer.”

“It’s all you’re getting.” I couldn’t exactly articulate how Gaia and my dad were different. It was kind of like how I enjoyed a different relationship with my guys than most people. We were special people living extraordinary lives. The petty issues of mortals shouldn’t touch us.

Yet, I’d not come on board to talk about my relationship woes or the fact that I was torn about taking on a new man or that my daughter was driving me nuts or that I was really craving a pot roast and mashed potatoes right now. Maybe then I’d get the damn seafood smell out of my nose.

I had come to stop the big bad from coming through. Since I’d failed, we needed to plan our next step, and that involved interrupting my dad’s story of the girlfriend who thought he should massage her feet, for free!

“Daddy, much as we’re behind you when it comes to drawing the line at touching the lowest part of a body, I think we need to move on.”

“Move on where? To women demanding whole body massages? I’ll tell you what they can massage—”

“Your ego,” Gaia interrupted.

“My very big ego,” my father retorted with an exaggerated wink.

Someone kill me now. “Oh gross. Enough with the innuendos already. It’s time to get your head out of your ass, your mind out of the gutter, and focus on important matters.”

“You’re right, Muri. We should drink to our victory. Ale for everyone!” My daddy yelled this at the top of his lungs, and Charon, who’d glided up behind our party, scared the piss out of me when he muttered, “Oh fuck. We didn’t have a chance to lock away their axes yet.”

Too late. The blond goliaths already rolled large casks of ale onto the deck, and suddenly we went from heading into the bowels of the boat right back around to a barrel that someone had tapped.

The first frothing mug went to my dad, who gallantly turned around and gave it to Charon. “To the admiral of my fleet. May he get drunk and flash what’s under his robe.”

Getting sloshed appeared to be the plan, and that was the end of my talk with my dad. Whether he was being deliberately obtuse or pretending, it didn’t matter. It seemed I was on my own to figure out what had happened and what this meant to me, er, I mean Hell.

A lovely blond giant, with braids on the sides of his head and one in his beard, offered me a sloshing tankard and a wink. I rewarded him with a flirty smile. He reached toward me and got knocked out.

The fist came out of nowhere, and when I pivoted, I noticed a familiar, glowering countenance.

Auric had arrived, and he did not look happy.

“
H
ey
, baby. How’s it hanging?” Long and hard? I should be so lucky.

My consort did not speak a word, preferring instead to drag me along the deck until we reached the prow of the boat, and relative privacy.

Then he unleashed his mighty wrath—and looked mighty fine as he did it.

“Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been worried sick. And here you are, fighting sea monsters, by the look of it, without sending us any word.”

I arched a brow. “Peeved you missed the fight?”

The tic by his eye showed his agitation. “Yes, I’m pissed. And relieved. And a whole bunch of things. Where have you been?”

I was going to answer, but wasn’t given a chance because Tristan chose that moment to rise on a swell of water and announced, “She was with me.”

The tic went spastic, and through our bond, I felt a quick flash of pain.

Annoyed at Tristan and his interference, I tossed the ale in my still full mug at his face. “Jerk!”

Tristan took his time slowly turning to face me, the liquid streaming down his face. He peeked his tongue between his lips for a lick—I remembered that lick and hoped Auric wouldn’t notice the flush on my skin.

“What a waste of fine ale. Or were you planning to lick it off my body?” My merman appeared to have a death wish.

Auric was more than happy to indulge.
Smack
. The blow barely rocked Tristan.

He rubbed his jaw as he stared at Auric. “And you must be one of her boyfriends.”

“Consort,” Auric corrected.

“Jealous bastard, aren’t you?”

A cold smile crossed my lover’s lips. “Jealous only with dicks who seem to think they can just waltz into our family without passing any tests.”

“Who says I want in?”

The challenge pricked me—and not in a naked, fun way. “We both know you do.”

“I already got in. It doesn’t mean I want it again.”

Auric froze as Tristan’s meaning penetrated. I scrambled to explain. “It’s not what you think. I used all my magic escaping the beast that swallowed me. And then I didn’t have enough to call a portal, so I kind of fooled around with Tristan.” And bound him to me, but I wouldn’t drop that bombshell yet.

But Auric wasn’t dumb. “So does this mean we need a saltwater pool at the house?”

That threw Tristan for a loop. “Whoa, who said anything about me moving in? The princess and I shared a few fun moments. Nobody said that was permanent.”

Auric’s smile this time held a hint of mockery. “Then you should have kept your hands and other body parts to yourself. As our now mutual father-in-law would say, welcome to the family.”

“Hell no.” Tristan flung himself back from the ship’s prow, consternation clear in his expression.

As Auric wound his arm around my waist and tucked me close, showing me his support, I couldn’t help but smirk. “See you later. Dinner’s at five.”

Instead of replying, Tristan dove under the waves, silver tail flashing before disappearing in the deep.

Spun in Auric’s arms, I peered up at him, expecting to see more hurt that required soothing. Instead, his lips held a smile. “I’m surprised you handled that so well.”

“I might have my jealous moments, but I have to look past them in order to realize that there is something at work here that is bigger than me and my urge to keep you all to myself. You have a destiny, Muriel, one that I cannot hamstring. If it requires accepting a merman into the fold, then so be it.”

I frowned. “Wait a second. You’re sounding really cool and logical about this, and yet you punched Tristan, and that Viking. What was up with that?”

The smile he gave me was all male—and very sexy. “Just letting them know where they stand in the power structure. We can only have one alpha male if this is going to work. And that male is me.”

Shiver. So sexy. I wound my arms around his neck and whispered, “You will always be my number one.” But the one of how many?

I didn’t even want to contemplate.

“What do you say we go home?”

“Yes!” I was ready to see the rest of my family. I’d missed them all.

Given I was still wobbly when it came to my powers, having expended what little I’d regained during the battle, Auric sketched a portal. In moments, we stepped onto the dry rock that comprised the yard of the seaside villa. Everything seemed so serene and surreal.

In the distance, hellgulls cawed. Waves crashed on the rocks littering the beach. Not a scream pierced the night. No raucous Vikings sang ‘Ninety-nine bottles of grog on the wall’. Daddy wasn’t discussing, in vivid detail, his sex life. Mother wasn’t pretending everything was normal. There was just me, Auric, and a villa with a light glowing in the living room window, a light that welcomed me home.

We’d taken only a few steps onto the porch when the sliding glass door opened and a tiny body in a nightgown came hurtling at me.

“Mommy!”

I clasped my daughter tightly to me, hugging her chubby warmth. The sloppy kiss on my cheek made me smile. “Hello, baby girl. Did you miss me?”

“Tons,” she exclaimed. “Where’s Tristan?”

Her query threw me for a loop because I had no idea. Despite the tenuous bond between us, and Auric’s assertion he was part of the family, I had my doubts. Tristan seemed aghast at the idea of leaving the sea and joining us.

But he would come around. A part of me knew he wouldn’t be able to resist. Much like the sea called to certain types of men, I would call to Tristan. He would crave me. Need me. Be unable to stay away.

He’d try, I’d wager. Play hard to get. Which was fine. I did so like a challenge.

I spent a few moments with my daughter, describing the wonders of Atlantis, loving how her eyes shined. When she asked, “Can I go see it?” I replied with, “Maybe.” That would depend on Tristan.

She patted my cheek. “Don’t worry, Mommy. He’s coming back.”

The question was, when?

We spent the rest of that week at the villa. During the day, I combed the beach with my daughter seeking out fancy shells. We built incredible sandcastles and then trampled them into oblivion.

At night, after Lucinda went to bed, I made love with my three men. Arching at their touch. Panting at the pleasure. It filled me with magic. It bonded me to them closer than ever. And yet…a part of me knew something was missing. Someone was missing. I craved the cool salt of a seaman—not to be mistaken with semen, of which I received plenty.

The day came when I could delay no longer. We needed to go home. As we packed our stuff and loaded it on the deck, I stood on the edge, staring out at the sea.

This time it was Teivel who approached me. I could tell by the cold shiver his presence wrought. “He will find you.”

“I don’t care if he does.” I didn’t want Tristan if he was too obtuse to recognize my awesomeness.

“Of course you care. It is who you are. The man is bound to you, but fighting it. It is not easy for the strong-minded to succumb to your allure.”

“You didn’t fight it,” I stated.

I could practically feel Teivel’s grin. “Because I didn’t want to. I knew from the moment I saw you that I would do anything for you. He will realize it as well, and when he does, he’ll come to you.”

“How?” I lived in a state that didn’t even border a state with access to the sea.

“Fate will show him the way.”

A strange statement since I was sure my aunt didn’t believe in using a GPS. Said they were the devil’s work. According to my father, that was totally untrue. He threw a fit when the mortal side invented them because he did so enjoy the fallout of the old days when people relied on paper maps and got horribly lost. Nowadays, people didn’t just get to their destination. They got there on time. The horror.

We left Hell and our vacation spot. Life returned to normal. I went back to the work at the bar. David and Teivel took turns helping me while Auric went looking for information on what had come through the rift. As far as anyone knew, nothing had, yet we knew something was amiss.

Days passed, days that I spent on the mortal plane, in part because I sulked. Tristan hadn’t come to me. He’d not even called, and this despite the fact that I’d gotten my hands on a big old conch—the shell kind, not the big, thrusting version.

I stayed out of Hell, even when it became flooded with seawater. I wanted no reminder of the man who spurned me. But there came a day when I couldn’t stay away any longer because the unthinkable happened. My father invited me to an engagement dinner for him and my mother. It was also the day a pig was born with wings.

I really didn’t want to go, but Auric made me. I should add I protested quite a bit and thus found it somewhat uncomfortable to sit on my cheeks. The heated pain only served to remind me of the reward I got when I finally said yes, a pleasure they promised to repeat if I was a good girl.

Snicker. Bad girls got the spankings, so I knew what I would end up doing.

Seated amongst my lovers, dressed in a one-of-a-kind gown of red silk, strapless with high slits up both sides, I looked awesome. I didn’t need a mirror to stoke my vanity. I had my men to do that for me. They stayed close to my side and glared at those who stared too long. They ran their fingers over my skin every chance they got. It usually would have been enough to have me dragging them off for a quiet corner to make out, yet I found myself distracted.

I spent most of my time staring around the vast dining hall—the stone pillars rising high in the air supporting the ribbed ceiling from which dangled massive chandeliers, the thousands of candles illuminating the room with a cozy glow. The red and black striated rock walls were covered in intricate tapestries, depicting vivid battle scenes and, in some cases, the carnal celebration ones.

Winding around the pillars and draped anywhere they could were leafy vines with bright blooms, the fragrant scent of their petals doing a fair job at masking the usual brimstone of home.

Everyone who was a someone was in attendance. Even my brother, Christopher, who had obviously objected to coming seeing as how he was tied to a chair, and gagged. He still resented finding out Lucifer was his dad, and of late, they’d been fighting even more than usual given my dad was insisting he honor some old oath that wanted him to marry Rasputin’s granddaughter.

None of my business. I’d done my part to grow the family by taking on three—should have been four—and popping out a menace to society in the form of my lovely daughter, Lucinda, who played tag with the demon children in the ballroom watched over by my dad’s most awesome guards and David. He was über protective when we came to the pit, not trusting the former thieves and assassins who inhabited my childhood home. That was what he claimed as he strode off with our daughter. I loved that he lied to me, especially since he knew that I knew that he preferred wearing his kitty and playing with the little ones to the pomp and ceremony of a dinner.

I wished I romped with them.

Of all the dinners I’d attended hosted by my dad, this was the most boring. Seriously yawn worthy. I expected that from my mom, I mean just look at her dress. Dressed in green, again, and covered in flowers. Boring. Dad at least tried with his red velvet suit topped off with a devil-duckied tie. I suspected he did it to drive my mom nuts. She was always trying to get my dad to dress more sedately. As if my dad would ever let her change his style.

As the reception went off without a hitch, despite the best attempts by the hired imps to trip waiters and have couples caught in flagrante delicto, I could see my dad getting more and more dejected. I got how he felt. I’d kind of hoped to see a certain someone at this shindig. I mean, Neptune was here as best man, but of his son Tristan? Not a single peek.

How was I supposed to wow him and make him grovel and beg for me to take him home with me if I couldn’t even see him?

“He’s here,” Auric murmured in my ear as they brought out the first course.

“Who is?” Playing dumb was something my sister Bambi had taught me. Speaking of whom, why was she sitting with my other half sisters and not with Chris, Auric’s mage friend, who stared at her with evident longing?

I had to wonder if she was utilizing part of her lesson plan from Playing Hard To Get, the master class. My sister was a pro when it came to getting men to do as she wanted. Perhaps it was time I went back to her school. Apparently, I needed some pointers since I’d yet to land my fish.

“Your merman is here, but he’s playing coy.”

“He’s in the pond?” Was he flirting with the golden koi? I’d skewer them with a spear and roast them over the fiery centerpiece that my mom claimed was the reenactment of Pompeii—and that dad declared was where I was conceived. Ugh. I’d never be able to eat molten lava chocolate cake again.

Auric sighed. “I mean coy, as in he’s staying out of sight.”

“Then how do you know he’s here?” Because Auric had never left my side since we’d arrived. He had this thing about trusting Hell. Apparently, his former angelic habits clung, and he worried I’d get corrupted or something. So funny. If anyone needed to worry, it was him. With me. I was the biggest corrupting influence he knew. The ability to subvert came naturally to me.

“He’s here. Trust me. And he’s been watching.”

I straightened in my seat, the better to show off my bare shoulders and daring décolletage. “So what’s the plan?”

The gaze he turned my way held a puzzled frown. “A plan for what?”

“Why, capturing my fish of course. We didn’t get the work started on that pool and the underground grotto for nothing.” Plans, I might add, that Auric took on because I sulked about the man who’d swum away from me.

“Muriel, we are not going to force him to join us. He’ll come when he’s good and ready.”

But I was ready now. My inner magic wasn’t the only one screaming we needed Tristan. There was a hole in my force. Without Tristan, I was incomplete.

Something prickled at me. It wasn’t a breeze, or a burst of magic, yet I could tell something had happened. My dad noted it, too. He sat back in his throne, a custom-designed seat carved from a solid block of obsidian and inlaid with precious gems. A matching one alongside held my mom. As for me, the best princess ever? I got only a golden chair. Bummer.