Unraveled (7 page)

“Yes.”

I shrug. “He
doesn't care what others think. He does his own thing and doesn't try to be
something he's not.”

“What else?”

“I like his
attention. He's...” I pause, trying to figure out how to say this tactfully
without ticking Noah off. I want to say that I'm obviously extremely attracted
to him but I nix that. “He's attractive and fun to be around.”

Noah studies
me. “He's your first boyfriend, right?”

“What of
it?”

He shakes
his head at my tone. “Relax, I'm not trying to insinuate anything. I'm just
trying to understand what his appeal is to you.” He sits back in his chair and
watches me as he continues, “You say you've done bad things with him. Did you
like doing these bad things with him? Is that part of his appeal as well?”

My lips
purse as my eyes drop and I study the glass of lemonade in front of me. I
definitely enjoy the drugs even though they're bad. The convenience
store...well, obviously that is the one thing I never wish I'd been a part of.

Instead of
pushing me to answer, Noah is patiently silent as he picks up his cigarette and
smokes while he waits.

Finally, I
sigh loudly and opt for the truth, or as much as I am willing to give him when
it comes to it. “Cole's life is...different than what I am used to. He's been
involved with stuff. I've...done stuff I didn't think I ever would.”

“Like what?”

I meet his
gaze and decide it's time to throw it all out there. I have no choice. I can't
have Noah following me around and trying to mold me into someone I could never
be. This is where we need to part ways and I need to make it clear I'm not
worth any of this.

“Like
drugs,” I say simply as I watch him closely.

Noah stares
long and hard at me. “Drugs?” he repeats softly.

“I've done
acid and crack to name a few. Ecstasy is my favorite.”

He draws in
a deep breath and sets the cigarette down on the ashtray, his expression
unreadable. “How often do you do these drugs?”

“As often as
I can.”

“Why?”

“Because
it's fun. Because for a little while, I don't have to be me.”

Noah falls
silent, his brown eyes on me. “So that's what you do with Cole? Drugs and sex?”

“Don't forget
the alcohol,” I toss in off handedly. It's impossible to read Noah's thoughts
and I have no clue where this conversation will take us.

His lips
tighten slightly. “Has Cole pressured you into these things? Did he pressure
you into sex?”

“No, of
course not,” I say instinctively, though Cole had been pushy over that one but
in the end I'd given up my virginity of my own free will.

“And drugs?”

I sigh.
“Sometimes,” I say truthfully.

Noah rubs a
hand over his jaw and he is clearly processing what I've told him. “What about
the abuse? Did you look past it because he was the one who got you high when
you wanted it?”

This is
where the conversation is going to start getting tough. I know he's going to
ask me about the cutting and I've decided to tell him about my aunt and uncle
as long as he swears not to tell Tate. But at this point, I'm scared to go
there with him.

“He didn't
hurt me very often. It didn't seem like that big of a deal.”

“Tell me
this. What else do you guys do when you’re together? Do you actually have a
relationship besides the drugs and sex?”

“What do you
mean?”

“Does he
ever sit down and talk to you like you and I are talking? Has he ever been
concerned at all over your actions or how you're feeling? Does it bother him
when you're upset or does he focus more on himself and what he wants?”

I fall
silent and pick up my glass to take a sip. I know where he's going with this
and I'm not sure if I'm bothered by the truth or not. As usual, Noah waits me
out and I sigh. “We talk but not like this,” I admit grudgingly.

He shakes
his head, his expression softening with his next words. “If he cares about you,
Blayre, he'd want to know these things. I know you don't want to hear this but
he's just using you. How can you want to be with someone who won't give you
anything of himself?”

“Have you
ever considered that I might be using him as well?” I counter back calmly.

“And are
you?”

“Yes.”

“For the
drugs?”

“Partly.”

“The sex?”
he asks tightly.

I look at
him mutely, refusing to answer that one.

“Lay it out for
me, Blayre.”

“He doesn't
want me to be someone else. He accepts me as I am, flaws and all. I don't feel
like I have to be a different person with him.”

“And you
feel like I see you differently? That I pressure you to be someone other than
yourself?” Noah asks with a frown.

“Yes!”

“How?”

“You treat
me like I'm a good person.”

His gaze
holds mine steadily. “I treat you like a good person because I see it in you.
It's there, whether you want to believe it or not. I haven't once asked you to
be something you are not and don't you sit there and tell me you've been
putting on an act with me. I can read people pretty damn well nowadays and all
your reactions have been honest. You react instinctively to me and it's not
some persona you pull on when I'm around. It's real.”

“I just told
you I do drugs. How is that good in your eyes?”

“It's not,”
he says honestly. “Blayre, we all make mistakes in life. How else do we learn?
Unfortunately drugs in high school isn't a rarity, either. I did Marijuana and some
stuff years ago because it's what you do when you're young—you try things out
and learn from your mistakes.”

I stare at
him because I can't believe he's telling me I'm still worth the effort he's
putting into me.

“If you
think that doing drugs is going to make me want to give up on you, you're
wrong. It frustrates me to no end that you are doing these things to yourself,
but that doesn't make you bad. What I see is a woman who is confused.”

“I'm not
confused,” I mumble.

“The hell
you're not.”

Well, hell.
I'd expected a different reaction out of him and instead he's trying to be
supportive. He's also right. I guess I am confused.

“So Cole is
nothing more than a diversion. He's a distraction, a way to feel good about
yourself even for a brief moment of time, am I right?”

“Yeah.”

“Who's got
you feeling so down on yourself, Blayre? I've noticed that someone's obviously
messed with you in the past for you to feel so negatively about yourself. Who
has made you feel like you deserve a guy like Cole?”

I look down
at my hands. God, I don't want to go there.

“You can
trust me,” Noah assures softly.

I already
know that or I wouldn't be sitting here trying to be as honest with him as I
can. I look up at him pleadingly. “I don't think I'm ready to go there with you
yet.”

After a
moment, he nods. “Alright. I'd like to go back to Cole.”

I nod. Cole
was safer at this point.

“You do
realize that Cole is a negative factor in your life that you don't need, don't
you? You're already dealing with other issues, you don't need him adding to
it.”

“I know,” I
say quietly.

“Then don't
you think it's time to break things off with him? You don't need him, you've
got me and Tate. I know you're scared to confide in Tate but you can come to me
anytime about
anything
. No judgment, Blayre.”

He's saying
all the right things. I'm just blown away that this conversation has turned out
to be positive when it should have ended with me walking away after Noah became
disappointed with who I really am. Instead, he's still sitting there, his brown
eyes sincere when he speaks to me. He genuinely wants to help me and be here
for me. I'm perfectly aware that I don't deserve any of this but yet at the
same time I kind of feel like I can finally breathe a little bit more after
unloading on him.

I realize Noah
is waiting for me to answer his question. “I need time to think,” I say in
reference to him wanting me to break it off with Cole.

Noah sighs
and reaches for his cigarette while his eyes stay on me. “I guess that's all I
can ask of you at this point. I have tomorrow night off as well. Will you agree
to do this with me again? We haven't even approached the topic of your cutting
but I think you could use the break before we delve into that.”

“I thought
you were going to school to help handicapped children.”

“I am, why?”

“You seem to
have a natural knack for counseling people,” I point out.

He smiles
slightly. “Looks like you bring it out in me.”

“Lucky me,”
I say dryly. Then I turn serious and study the bruise on his jaw. “What
happened last night?”

“I got jumped
leaving work. Some guy came out of nowhere in the employee parking lot and
tried to work me over real good. I think he expected me to be easy pickings.”

“I saw how
you handled Cole yesterday and it was pretty obvious you had some sort of
training. It was stupid of him to underestimate you.”

“People tend
to think that deaf people are limited with what they can do and I don't like be
categorized,” he says simply.

A smirk
curves my lips. “There is no category for Noah Abraham.”

“That a good
thing?”

“Yeah. I
think so,” I say lightly as I rise to my feet. “I have more homework to do.”

Noah stands
up as well and much to my surprise, he walks over to me and pulls me into his
arms for a hug. For a second I am stiff against him before I slowly relax, my
arms lifting to wrap around his waist. It feels good to be held when I didn't
think I'd ever experience this again. I feel his cheek rest against the top of
my head for a long moment. “I'm not going anywhere,” he says quietly to me.

My eyes shut
at his promise. He's learning more and more about me and yet he's still
sticking around. I'm not sure how I feel about it because he still doesn't know
about the robbery and I know that right there would cause him to drop me in a
heartbeat.

He can never
know though.

The
following day I focus on school instead of searching for Cole. My conversation
with Noah keeps rolling around in my mind as well. It was weird because I'd
been dreading the conversation with him last night and in the end, I kind of
felt good about it.

I'm still
struggling with the fact that he thinks I'm a good person after years of
hearing from my aunt and uncle on a daily basis that I was pure evil and a bad
person. Noah saw me differently than I saw myself, that's for sure.

As Mr.
Jenson hands out a new assignment, I wait patiently as my thoughts keep
churning over and over in my mind. I never thought that telling Noah the truth
would help me in any sort of way, but here I am...calmer today and in more
control of my life. There are still some concerns over tonight's conversation
because he'll learn about Julie and Steve. There is absolutely no doubt in my
mind that he will dredge up all the gory details, and with that, the details of
why I like to cut. These are things I didn't even really allow myself to think
about too much. Talking about them is for sure going to bite.

The
assignment sheet floats down to my desk as the teacher passes by and I study
it. I was so far behind in my classes. Today would be another day of doing
homework until I had to go to bed.

All this
time I'd been putting Cole first and now my grades were in serious jeopardy.
There's still a part of me that longs for Cole and all that he offers but there
is something new developing within me that's firmly telling me to own up to my
mistakes and get it right. 

I'd had no
idea how much I'd allowed Cole to control everything that I did. It's ironic
because right from the beginning I'd told myself I wasn't going to be a puppet
and I was going to be my own person. I'd thought that I was sticking to my word
but in reality, Cole had been controlling me from the start with the parties
and the alcohol. He wanted sex, I gave him sex. He wanted me high, I got high
with him. He wanted me to skip school, I skipped school.

How had I
not seen any of this before? How had I allowed myself to sink into such a
controlling relationship and think that it was my decision and not his? Or
better yet, how am I going to get out? The easiest thing would be for Cole to
stay mad at me for the kiss I shared with Noah, but I know it won't last long.
Cole likes his control and I've allowed him to control me for a long time now.

My teeth
sink into my lower lip as I pick up my pencil and gaze at the paper in front of
me without really seeing the words on it. Cole and I share a deadly secret
between us. I have no plans on going back on my word but would he begin to
doubt me if we weren't together? I know he probably thinks dating me would be
the best way to keep an eye on me and guarantee my silence, but he had to have
known we wouldn't last forever, right?

Once again,
I go home right after school and head for the kitchen table. I come up short
when I see that the orange blooms I'd put in the glass yesterday are now in a
nice little glass vase along with a few bright purple Irises.

A slow smile
forms on my lips as I set my back pack down near the table and study the vase.
Noah must have gone out this morning before class to grab a vase and he'd been
sweet enough to add a few more flowers to it.

“Hey,” Tate
says as he ambles into the kitchen. “I'm surprised to see you home. Normally
you're never home after school,” he says as he heads for the refrigerator.

“Uh, I'm
taking a break from Cole.”

Tate grabs a
can of soda and then wanders over, his expression hesitant. “A permanent
break?” he asks causally but I spy the hint of hope in his eyes.

“I'm
thinking so.”

He nods.
“Good.” His eyes drop to the little vase on the table. “Those look nice.
Where'd you get the vase, I haven't seen that around the house before.”

I realize he
thinks I bought it and I am certainly not going to clue him in that Noah had
been thoughtful enough to do it for me. I'm fully aware that Tate would still
freak out if he ever knew that I'd messed around with Noah and the last thing I
want is something to happen to their friendship. “I found it at the thrift shop
the last time I was there. Noah said I could pick some of his flowers.”

“Looks nice.
Well, I'm heading out so I'll catch you later.”

“Later!” I
call to him as I head towards the refrigerator for some lemonade. Then I pause
and look up at the cupboard above the refrigerator where Tate keeps the liquor.
I'm not tall enough so I climb up on the counter and peer in the cupboard.
There are only two other bottles of rum and tequila, which means Tate will for
sure notice that the bourbon is missing the next time he's in the mood for hard
liquor.

I scramble
down from the cupboard and walk over to the kitchen chair and sit down. Then I
pull out my cell phone and quickly text message Noah
. I don't suppose you'd
buy a new bottle of Jack? I'd do it but I'm under age.
Once I send off the
text, I set the phone down and begin to spread out my homework.

My phone
chimes two minutes later and I scan the new message.

NOAH
: 
I'll grab some on my way home. Any special requests for dinner tonight since I
have to stop at the store?

ME: 
Surprise
me.

NOAH: 
See
you in a couple hours.

I can't help
but smile as I set the phone down. Then it slowly fades and I try to warn
myself that focusing all my attention on Noah instead of Cole would not be
wise. I am not looking for a replacement for Cole. Noah was offering to be here
for me and to be the friend that I need and I am accepting it. We weren't going
to start dating or anything of the likes. It wasn't fair to get in too deep
with Noah when I am still hiding my part in the robbery. He doesn't know
everything and it wasn't fair to let him think otherwise.

I slowly let
out my breath and say, “Friends. Only friends,” firmly before I pick up my pen
and the nearest paper.

I'm
completely engrossed in my homework a while later when I hear Noah's car pull
up in the garage. A little zing of excitement shoots through me and then a good
healthy dose of apprehension. There's a reason for our plans tonight and it
wasn't all about fun. We had serious stuff to discuss and I'm dreading it.

When Noah
walks through the door, I see that he has a new bottle of bourbon in his hand
and a bag full of groceries. He smiles briefly at me before he begins to put
everything away, so I go back to doing my homework. You can't exactly carry on
a conversation with a deaf person if their back is to you.

“Why the
frown?” Noah asks from over my shoulder, making me start.

I'd lost
track of time and I was currently working on my calculus homework and having
some issues with a few problems. A deliciously mouthwatering scent is wafting
throughout the kitchen and I see Noah has changed into a pair of shorts and a
vintage tee. He's standing behind my chair and he's peering over my shoulder.

I glance at
him so he can read my lips. “I'm terrible at this stuff.”

“Lucky for
you, I'm not.” He moves closer and as he leans over my shoulder, I can smell
the scent of his cologne. My eyes shut briefly as I remember being up close and
personal with his body and his scent. The feel of his warm skin against my
skin...the way he touched me...

“Blayre?”

I jump a
mile in my chair and my head almost hits him in the jaw. Holy crap. I'm
fantasizing about him while he's standing right there. This is ridiculous!

Noah moves
back slightly and peers at me. “Where'd you go off to?”

“Wouldn't
you like to know,” I retort lightly before I pick up the pen I'd dropped.

“Yeah, I
would, but seeing as our fish is probably burning, I'll let you off the hook,”
he says and then he points at a couple numbers on the current problem I am
working on. “Right there is your problem. Try it again,” he says before he
moves away and heads for the stove.

I peer at
the numbers he pointed at and I go back to starting the problem over to see if
I come up with something different this time. When I do, I study it and wonder
if I've finally got it right.        

Noah happens
to walk over and take a look. “Now you've got it,” he says with an encouraging
nod before heading back to what he's doing.

The next
half hour I continue working on my homework while Noah makes quick little
detours to check on how my calculus is coming along. When he sees something I
did wrong, he keeps his tone light and points it out, then he tries to explain
my error.

I'm just
finishing up when Noah announces dinner is done and not to move all my
homework, we could eat out on the patio. I'm up for that, so I rise to my feet
and help carry plates and utensils out to the table. Once we are seated, I
thank him again for another wonderful meal.

“I should
probably learn to cook,” I muse as I spear some fish with my fork. “I'll starve
to death once I'm on my own if I don't.”

Noah smiles.
“I'll teach you. We'll start out with the simple stuff.”

“Okay.”

We fall
silent for a bit as we eat and then I hear a low buzz come from Noah and he
frowns, pulling out his cell phone. He glances at it briefly before sticking it
back in his pocket. When his gaze lifts to mine, I look at him questioningly.
“It's Marley,” he says as he reaches for his fork.

“Aren't you
going to answer her?” I ask, trying not to feel jealous that another woman is
text messaging him. Marley is dating a friend of Tate's and I deliberately
remind myself that Noah is strictly just a friend and that I shouldn't be
jealous at all.

“Nope. Not
when it involves trying to set me up with one of her numerous friends.”

Okay, now
I'm glad he's not answering her, but...I still couldn't have him. Not like the
way I want him. I push the fish around my plate and glance at him to find he's
watching me. “Why not give it a go?” I force myself to ask.

Noah's eyes
narrow ever so slightly. “I'm not interested in dating any of her friends.”

“You should
be.”

“Why?”

“Well,
you're a good looking man. You can't be happy being alone,” I point out.

Noah sets
his fork down and studies me. “Are you suggesting I go out on a date with
someone else?”

“Yes, I am.”
I chew on my fish while doing everything I can not to feel like I want to bang
my head on a wall for starting this stupid conversation.

Noah falls
silent, his brown eyes shifting to his plate for a minute before he reaches for
his fork. “I already have plans with you tonight so it's not worth discussing.”

I wait until
his eyes lift before I say, “We can postpone our little discussion.”

He gives me
a look. “Over my dead body.”

“Well, let's
not get overly dramatic,” I tease as I reach for my lemonade, secretly pleased
that he clearly wasn't even going to consider ditching me.

Of course, a
bit later I am wishing he would. Our meal is done and we are finishing up the
lemon meringue pie he'd brought home for desert.  I know the questions
will begin and I'm anxious to put it off as long as possible. Noah comes back
outside after getting rid of our plates and he drops into his chair, looking
lazy and relaxed.

“You always
wear that necklace. Why?” I ask curiously when he looks at me.

He reaches
up and touches the thin gold chain that is just barely visible near the
neckline of his shirt. “It was my mom's. She died when I was eight and it's one
of the few things I have left from her.”

“Oh. I'm
sorry,” I say quietly.

“What about
you? Did you keep any personal items of your parents or does Tate have most of
it?”

I stare at
him. “Tate has my parents’ things?”

“And some of
yours, I believe.”

My gaze
shifts as I process this news. I've always wondered why I didn't have any
personal effects of theirs. Not that I want them after my role in their deaths,
but I always wondered where they'd gone. I just assumed my aunt and uncle had
kept them all.

“Blayre?”

“Hmm?” I
ask, turning my attention back to him.

“Where'd you
go off to there?”

“Nowhere,
it's nothing.”

Noah's gaze
tells me he doesn't believe me but he lets it go. “You ready to start up where
we left off yesterday?”

“No.”

He just
gives me a patient look and waits.

I roll my
eyes. “Fine. Yes. Start grilling me, Dr. Abraham.”

“How was
school?”

“What?” The
last thing I was expecting was for him to ask about school.

Noah just
leans back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his head as he studies me.
“I asked how school went today.”