Unraveled (4 page)

This was her
last day in town and I did not want to spend it fighting. I walk over and sit down
next to her. “It's okay. Moving is probably the best thing you can do
considering what kind of guy Ethan is,” I say lightly as I shove aside my
disappointment.

“I hope the
baby is Blake's. We had a very active sex life up until that night with Ethan.”
She shudders before saying, “I'm hoping that one time with Ethan wasn't...you
know.”

“If it is
Ethan's, will you be able to handle that?”

“I've
thought about it,” she admits. “Just because the baby might have his DNA,
doesn't mean he or she will turn out to be like him.”

“What about
school?”

“I'm
thinking I'll be due the beginning of July. I'll go to school and finish my
senior year so I can graduate. I'm sure I won't be the first girl to graduate
while being pregnant. It won't be fun, but I'll do it.”

I can’t
believe how much Paige has managed to pull herself together in such a short
period of time. I haven't given her enough credit. She's tougher than I'd
originally thought her to be.

It didn't
really hit me until I got home that the only person I could really count on now
is Cole. Paige was leaving and I'd messed up my friendship with Noah. And as
for Tate, I never allowed myself to get close to him. It was just me and Cole
now. He knew all the worst parts of me and yet he still stood by my side.

I'm relieved
to find that Tate is long gone since his shift started at four. As for Noah, I
was too tired to figure out if he was home or not. As I make my way up to my
room, my chest is heavy and it aches. Paige is officially out of my life for
good and even though I still have Cole, I feel alone and abandoned.

The
abandonment is a little ironic since I've brought this on myself. I joke and
tease with my brother but actually letting him in emotionally or confiding in
him is something I will never do. Noah's now in the same category and after our
conversation this morning, I'm going to have to distance myself from him
permanently.

Instead of
heading towards my bedroom, I head straight for the bathroom and lock the door
in case Noah is in fact home, though I hadn't seen him as I'd walked through
the house. It's probably stupid to cut myself without knowing where he is but
at the moment, I don't really care.

I need to
feel the coolness of the blade against my fingertips. The feel of the metal is
always soothing to me before I feel the rush...and then eventually the pain. My
hands shake slightly as I open the bathroom closet door and grab my box of
tampons on the second shelf that is designated as mine. I dig around in the box
but I can't find the razor. With a frown, I push around the tampons and peer
inside the box, but it's not there.

“That's
impossible,” I mutter as I dump the tampons on the bathroom counter and rummage
through them.

My little
razor is gone.

For a long
second, I stare at the tampons before I feel panic beginning to form. I rush
back to the closet and dig out the empty deodorant container where I had hidden
a second razor for back-up.

Empty.

“No!” I cry
with frustration.

My knife. My
pocket knife was in my night stand drawer.

I leave the mess
scattered across the bathroom counter top as I fumble with the lock on the
bathroom door before jerking it open and rushing to my bedroom. I hurry to my
nightstand and quickly open the drawer, digging frantically through the
contents.

My pocket
knife is gone as well.

My heart
thunders in my chest. This can't be happening! Not now, when I
need
the
pain. I spin around—intent on going downstairs to the kitchen for a paring
knife but come up short when I find Noah standing in the doorway of my room.

His brown
eyes are troubled as he stares at my face intently. “That right there, that
expression on your face confirms exactly what I feared. I was concerned over
the way you reacted this morning when I confronted you. I decided to do a
little searching and I found your razor blades and knife.”

It finally
sinks in that he really does know the truth. My cheeks burn as shame and
humiliation seep through me before anger rears its ugly head. “You had no right
to go through my things!”

“I wasn't
trying to invade your privacy, I'm trying to help.”

“I don't
need or want your help!”

Noah enters
the room and walks toward me. “Blayre, you put a blade to your skin and cut.
You need help whether you realize it or not.”

“Stay away
from me!” I warn, my voice slightly shrill by this unexpected confrontation. I
back away from him and put several feet between us before I cross my arms over
my chest. “Did you tell Tate?” I demand bitterly.

“No,” he
says calmly as he watches me. “I wanted to talk with you first.”

“You can't
tell him!”

“He needs to
know,” Noah says in a heavy voice, his eyes alert to my every move.

“I'm not
doing anything wrong!” I say flatly. “It's a coping mechanism, like your damned
smoking that I don't give you shit about. What I do is nobody's business.”

“If you feel
you're not doing anything wrong, then why can't I tell Tate?” he challenges.

“Like I
said, it's nobody's business, least of all yours.”

“It is my
business and it is also Tate's. We care about you—”

“Well, you
shouldn't!” I yell as I cut him off.

His face
goes hard with sudden anger and he actually takes a step toward me. “Who the
fuck has messed with you?”

I can't do
this. I turn and move to walk past him but his hands settle on my shoulders
before I can dodge him. He gently backs me up against my dresser, his body
close to mine as he gazes down at me. “I'm not walking away from you.
Nothing
you say will make me look at you differently than how I've always seen you.
Talk
to me,” he urges as concern darkens his face.

“Get out.”

“No.”

I look away
with frustration. His hands are warm on my shoulders and somewhere within me,
my soul is calmer knowing he cares even though I don't deserve it.

“I need to
understand why you are doing what you do, Blayre. You say it's a coping
mechanism, so does that mean that when you're upset, you feel the need to harm
yourself?”

My body
tenses beneath his hold and I refuse to answer him.

“Your
silence has me making stuff up in my mind that terrifies me. Let me in,
Blayre,” he pleads in a strained voice.

Finally, I let
my eyes lift up to his and I find that he is watching me intently with a hint
of pain in his eyes. The fact that I'd put it there makes my chest ache. He
cares about me
that
much? I lick my lips and decide I need to put an end
to this. I should have done this sooner. “It was a mistake,” I finally say.

“What was?”

“Us. I was
missing Cole and you were just a stand in,” I lie.

Noah's
entire body tenses up for a brief second and then something shifts in his gaze
before he slowly shakes his head. “I know what you're doing. You're trying to
push me away in hopes that this conversation never continues. What just came
out of your mouth was a load of bullshit.” He leans closer as his eyes sear
mine. “I watched the way you reacted to me the other night. There is absolutely
no doubt in my mind that you were exactly where you wanted to be. Cole was the
last thing on your mind.”

We stand
there for a long moment, simply staring at each other.

“Let me go,”
I warn.

Noah
releases my shoulders and backs up, but not by much. He's not allowing me to
end this conversation anytime soon. Feeling beyond wary, I move past him and
walk over to my bed to sit down before I promptly drop my head into my hands.
None of this was supposed to be happening! If I hadn't been so stupid lately,
no one would have ever found out.

“I'm going
to ask again, Blayre. Do you cut yourself when you're upset? How does it make
anything better?” I hear Noah ask quietly. His tone is calm but I can't miss
the hint of determination that lingers in his voice.

Tears sting
behind my eyelids and I ignore him for a long moment. I feel like he's stripped
me down to my soul and I'm left wide open and vulnerable. I
hate
this
feeling and I hate that it's him who is seeing me this way. Reluctantly, I drop
my hands and look up at him. He's still standing there, his hands in his
pockets as he watches me carefully. I have a feeling he'd be sitting by me if
he wasn't worried I'd bolt.

“Please
don't tell, Tate,” I finally say as I ignore his questions.

“He's your
brother.”

“I'm well
aware of that,” I say sarcastically.

Noah sighs.
“You're hurting yourself and it's not healthy. Not to mention dangerous.”

“I'm always
careful.”

“Are you?”
he asks sardonically. His brown eyes drop to my left arm before deliberately
lifting to meet my gaze. “I've thought about your little accident with the
window but I don't buy it anymore. The more I've thought about it the past few
days, the more I realize you lied. If you would have fallen through that glass,
there would have been a blood trail leading to the bathroom.” His eyes pin me
to where I sit. “There was no blood trail. Just blood all over the sink and
leading across the floor to the closet.”

“That was an
accident,” I whisper.

“An accident
that could have cost you your life. You nicked a damn artery that night. You're
lucky it wasn't worse and you didn't bleed out before getting help.”

“I'm
normally careful, okay! I screwed up that night.”

“What was
different about that night?” he asks immediately, his expression sharpening at
my slip-up.

Me and my
big mouth. 

Feeling
restless now, I jump to my feet and try to walk away from him but he reaches
out and grabs my upper arm, easily forcing me around to face him. His touch is
firm but gentle, rather than rough like Cole's would have been. I look up at
him, my expression now guarded. “Why can't you let this go, Noah? It has
absolutely nothing to do with you.”

He reaches
up and gently pushes a strand of hair out of my face. “You haven't figured it
out yet?” he asks quietly, his eyes searching mine.

There's some
hint of emotion that is swirling around in his gaze and it scares me. “No,” I
say softly. “I don't want to ever figure it out. Whatever you think is going on
with us, isn't happening.”

“You should
know by now that I don't give up easily.”

“I have a
boyfriend.”

“He doesn't
deserve you.”

“Get out.”

A muscle
ticks in his jaw. “You can't just kick me out of your room and expect that to
be the end of this.”

“I am and it
will be.”  I pull myself together as I gaze at him with now cold eyes. “If
you so much as hint a word of any of this to Tate, I'll move out and I won't
look back,” I threaten.

His lips
part with shock and his eyes narrow. “You can't be serious, Blayre.”

“Try me.”

“Where would
you go?”

“Cole.” 

I have no
idea if Cole would want a roommate but I am betting he'd consider the idea. Not
that I really want to live with Cole, but I can't imagine living in this house
with Tate if he ever finds out about the cutting. I've been wondering for weeks
if I am here out of some sort of obligation but I've had my answer for a while
now. He genuinely cares about me and I know he'd be devastated if he discovered
what I do to myself.

Noah's
expression is almost scary the way his face tenses up before an eerie glint enters
his gaze. “This is
not
over,” he says calmly before he turns and walks
out of my room.

As soon as
he's gone, I quickly hurry to my door and slam it shut before locking it. Then
I turn and walk over to my bed and fling myself on it. I grab my pillow and
scream my frustration into it.

The
following morning I find Noah in the kitchen with Tate and I'm not the least
bit surprised. I'd expected this and would have tried to come down later if it weren't
for school or the fact that Noah could wait me out until nine-thirty if he
wanted to. With my grades the way they were, I was going to have to deal with
him this morning because missing anymore classes was not an option.

“Morning,”
Tate says from where he's leaning against the counter, reading the paper.

“Morning,” I
murmur as I walk past Noah—who is sitting at the island counter eating an
omelet. I peer into the fridge and grab the first thing that could pass for
breakfast. Which happens to be yogurt, as usual.

“There's an
extra omelet in the oven if you want it,” Noah says.

My eyes lift
and I look him dead in the eye and say, “No, thanks,” before turning away and
grabbing a spoon out of the drawer.

“I was
thinking maybe you should invite Paige over for dinner,” my brother says as he
sets aside the paper, his attention now focused on me.

“Why?” I ask
as I tear open the top of the yogurt and toss the tab in the garbage before
dipping my spoon in it. I am aware of Noah watching our conversation closely
and I do my best to ignore him. I'm still pissed that he'd gone through my
personal belongings and today is the first day that I am officially cutting him
out of my life.

“Well, it
might help her to get out for a bit and since Blake was never over here, she
might find it a bit of a relief,” Tate suggests.

“She's
gone.”

“What do you
mean she's gone?”

I sigh.
“She's leaving this morning to go stay with extended family. She doesn't plan
on coming back,” I admit before I shovel some yogurt in my mouth in hopes that
he'd drop the subject and just let me eat. I had decided it was best not to
tell anyone about Paige's pregnancy. I was hurt by the way she was leaving me
but that didn't mean I wouldn't still try to protect her in any way that I
could.

“You're
telling me that she's gone for good?” Tate asks, his eyes searching mine.

“Yep.”

“I'm sorry,
Blayre. I know how much you liked her,” he says as he walks over to me.

I know he's
going to try to give me a hug so I dodge him and head for the hallway. “I'm
going to be late!” I quickly race upstairs and finish my yogurt in three
heaping spoonful’s before entering my room and grabbing my backpack.

When I turn
around, I find Noah waiting for me and I shoot him a dirty look. “Stop
following me around!”

“Why didn't
you tell me last night about Paige?”

“When was I
supposed to? Before or after you accused me of cutting myself?”

Frustration
flickers across his face. “I know you're mad at me—”

“What clued you
in?” I cut in before I brush past him and head down the hall, not bothering to
look back at him.

The rest of
my day is a bit of a nightmare. Everywhere I turn at school, I expect to see
Blake and Paige making out either in front of my locker or by the window at the
end of our hallway. Not only do I have to deal with their absence but I also
have to tolerate the stares and whispers I receive from the rest of the
students.

At lunch it
is just me and Cole and instead of going to Blackie's, we go to a fast food
restaurant. He tries to get me to skip with him because he knows I am on edge,
but I force myself to stay at school.

By the time
the end of the day rolls around, I am jittery and my nerves are raw as I shut
my locker door. When I turn around, I see Cole making his way through the
crowd, his green eyes on me. He walks up and his eyes have a knowing glint in
them. “Ethan's probably gone. Wanna go get fucked up together?”

“Sounds like
a plan to me,” I say as I slip my hand in his.

We make our
way down the hall together and as people move out of our way, I feel a bit of
eagerness trickle into my veins. I'm looking forward to hours of getting high
or drunk with Cole.

Right now,
that is exactly what I need.

When we
reach the parking lot and pause near my car, Cole leans down and gives me a
hard kiss. His hands creep down my lower back towards my ass and his hips press
into mine deliberately. I know exactly what he wants and I'm all for it. “I'll
meet you there,” I promise when our lips finally pull apart. He gives me a
heated look before he turns and strides across the parking lot towards his
motorcycle.

Cole manages
to make it out of the school parking lot first and by the time I reach his
house on the other side of town, he's leaning against the front door on the
porch, waiting. I quickly get out of my car and head up the stairs. He
immediately slips an arm around me as he opens the door and we step inside. The
second the door shuts, Cole's mouth is on mine as he presses me up against the
now closed door.  His lips are demanding and I like it. I'm so ready to
forget all the drama in my life.

My hands
lift to his hair as I kiss him back while he grabs the hem of my shirt—yanking
at it impatiently. I have no choice but to pull back and lift my arms as he
pulls my shirt over my head. He tosses the shirt aside before his arms wrap
around me and he shifts me towards the living room, his lips fastened on mine
as I walk backwards. The only thing I can think of is the feel of his body and
how it would feel rubbing against mine. His shirt needs to go and I tug at it.

He quickly
discards it, tossing it aside carelessly before his hands are on my waist and
he's pushing me backwards toward the couch. The kiss has turned frantic with
anticipation as my hands run over his chest and down towards his belt
buckle.  Much to my surprise, Cole breaks the kiss and promptly turns me
around so my back is to him. I blink with surprise when I find that we are
standing at the back of the couch.

“Bend over,”
Cole says from behind me.

“Bend over?”
I echo before I turn my head to look back at him. “Seriously?”

He gives me
a wicked grin and starts unbuckling his belt.

Oh, he's
serious all right.

I have a
moment of hesitation before I shrug it off and lean over the couch. This is
definitely new. I hear the rustle of clothing behind me and the sound of a
condom wrapper tearing. Then Cole moves up behind me and his hands reach out to
cup my breasts through my bra. My head drops forward, my hair falling in my
face as his hands move over my breasts before they slide down to my waist. His
hands are quick as they slip under my skirt and he rids me of my panties. Then
he lifts my skirt and suddenly thrusts inside me, an appreciative groan
escaping him.

My hands
tighten on the fabric of the couch as I gaze down at the seat cushions, my lip
caught between my teeth as his hips grind into me from behind. It's a little
painful since I'm not exactly ready but soon pleasure begins to build and I
feel Cole's bare chest press against my back as he leans over me, one of his
hands wrapping in my long hair to tangle in it. His hand tightens slightly,
pulling my head up and back so my throat is bared to his lips. The grip he has
on my hair causes a slight sting of pain along my scalp but combined with the
pleasure, it's intense. His lips fasten on my neck as he moves faster and I
gasp as my body suddenly explodes in shock waves of pleasure as I cry out, my
eyes shutting tightly.

Cole's fist
tightens in my hair slightly as he lets out a low groan from behind me. Then he
goes still, his arm wrapping around my waist tightly as he breathes heavily
into my neck. “That was hot,” he mutters.

I feel limp
and I let my head drop down once he releases my hair. It falls across my face
as I try to regain my senses. I have to admit, sex with Cole is fantastic. We
definitely have no problem with the physical side of our relationship.

Someone
slowly claps from the doorway of the living room.

My head
jerks up as my eyes pop open. Much to my horror, I see Ethan leaning lazily
against the living room doorway, a sleazy smile on his face.

Cole's
entire body tenses behind me before I feel him pull back and yank my skirt back
down. “What the fuck, Ethan!” he snarls as I hear his jeans rustle and the
harsh sound of a zipper.

My heart is
pounding wildly in my chest as humiliation sweeps through me. The only thing
that makes this situation remotely bearable—if that's even possible—is the fact
that we were behind the couch, our nudity hidden from Ethan's sight.

Ethan looks
amused. “I'm running late today. Good thing too or I would have missed the
show.”

“Fuck off,”
Cole says coldly and I finally glance at him. His expression is dark as he
moves a couple feet away from me and grabs his shirt off the floor before he
holds it out to me, his narrowed eyes never leaving his brother.

I quickly
grab it and yank it on. Then I make the mistake of looking at Ethan and I see
he's looking at me with another leering look. “Like it rough, do you?”

I have to look
away as my skin crawls. He just watched me have sex with Cole and I feel
violated.

“We'll talk
about this later,” Cole says flatly to Ethan before he grabs my hand and pulls
me away from the couch. As we walk past Ethan, I refuse to meet his eyes. Cole
leads me up to his room where he slams his door shut with force and locks it
for good measure.

My arms
cross over my chest and I watch as he runs both his hands through his hair as
he tries to calm down. I know him well enough by now to know what he's thinking.
Cole is incredibly territorial over me and for anyone to watch us have
sex...he's beyond pissed. For it to be Ethan of all people makes it all the
more worse.

Cole's hands
drop and he looks at me, his green eyes disgusted. “I didn't check the garage
for his car because I just assumed he was gone. I won't be making that mistake
again.”

I nod
without saying anything.

We hear a
car start up down below in the garage and Cole walks over to his window and
stares out it as he watches his brother leave. Finally he turns back and looks
at me. “
Now
we have the house to ourselves,” he says dryly.

Later on
that evening, I am sprawled on my stomach on Cole's bed as I come down from the
high I'd had earlier. My cheek rests against the mattress and my eyes are
closed as my mind drifts.

I'm dreading
going home tonight. I have no idea why Noah is so hell bent on trying to help
me. It feels weird knowing someone cares that much about me and I don't know
what to do with it. In fact, it scares me. He knows one of my secrets and I
can't believe he's still there, waiting for me to allow him in. Why wasn't he
disgusted with me?

The mattress
dips as Cole collapses down next to me. My eyes open and I peer up at him—too
lazy to lift my head. He's sitting there clad in just a pair of jeans with a
bottle of tequila in his hand. His eyes are glazed slightly because he's still
high. He ruffles my dark hair with his free hand, his eyes curious. “What put
that frown on your face? I thought we were having a good time.”

“We are,” I
mumble before I turn over onto my back, my head resting near his jean clad
thigh. The sheet has fallen to my hips, baring my breasts to him and I see his
eyes focus on them with immediate interest. I grab at the sheet and pull it up
over my chest because I'm definitely not ready to go another round.

He sighs
with disappointment and lifts the bottle, taking a long drink.

My eyes
drift shut again. I wish I could stay here all night but my brother would flip.

“What's the
deal? You looked upset.”

“Noah knows,”
I mutter.

Cole's thigh
tenses next to my head. “Knows what?”

Dang.
Alcohol and drugs sure made for loose lips.

“Blayre?”

My eyes open
and I peer up into his narrowed green gaze. “He found my razors yesterday.” I
might as well tell the truth since Cole already knows about the cutting.

“Razors?” he
echoes as he looks down at me blankly.

“Yeah. The
razors I use to cut myself.”

“So, what's
the big deal? You're eighteen, you can do what you want,” he says as his
attention focuses on something at the base of my neck. He reaches up and gently
brushes a finger against my skin.

Typical
Cole. It's weird how blasé he is when it comes to my cutting. He could care
less that I take a blade to myself. He's not disgusted by it but he isn't
interested in it, either. It's nice because he makes me feel normal—if that's
even possible.

“The big
deal is he's suddenly adamant that I need help,” I say flatly as I sit up, my
hair toppling over my shoulder as I hold the sheet against my naked body.

Cole peers
at me. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Need help?”

“No!”

“Then why
does it matter? Who cares if he knows?”