Unmistakable (32 page)

“Mom?”

As I watch her gently release my brother from her loving embrace, my face is suddenly, unbelievably dry, but my entire body aches to be loved…to be embraced by such loving arms. Arms I’ve missed for so long…arms I shouldn’t be willing to accept because she left me, but those arms are my heart’s desire at the moment. It’s what my battered….little heart desires.

“I love you.”

These three words leave her mouth. Three words cause an avalanche of tears to pour powerfully down my face….four words start my heart back up, so I can once again feel…once again enjoy the bliss of being loved by someone I love.

“I’m here, baby girl. Mom is here.”

The three words were followed by others that allow the purging of pain, and the healing of my heart…our hearts. I melt in her arms, just as my brother did, because the love they offer is welcoming, as much as it’s liberating. Though the pain is still there, and truthfully, I’m afraid it’ll never go away, my mom’s embrace eases the pain just a little. Her strong arms around me is like a salve coating my bleeding heart. She continuously runs her hand on my hair, calming my nerves, and stilling my heart.

“I love you, Mom. I’ve missed you so much….so much, mommy.”

Over and over I say this, just as when I was chanting that Cody loves me. I guess, saying it out loud makes it real. As my mouth speaks them, my ears hear words my mind can slowly process, and my heart quickly accepts. So many years of yearning…of needing…of wishing for my mother to share happy moments with, to share tears during sad times, to hold me during nights when I’m hurting, and days when I’m sick…her presence now makes up for those times. At this very moment, I’m all of those things. I’m happy she’s finally holding me, sad I can’t share this moment with Cody, hurt I’m away from my love, and sick of all the pain I experienced as a child.

“I’ve missed you, so much too, baby; every day since the day you were born.”

Leaning back, my mom cradles my face with her hands and wipes my tears with her thumb. “Thank you for this, for giving me a chance. I hate seeing you like this, hurting and in despair, but sometimes we have to go through fire to test how strong our faith is, Roxy. For more than twenty years, I’ve been living in anguish, knowing you must hate me for giving into their demands so easily. I’m sorry for being weak, for not fighting harder. Even as I tried to fight them, I knew they were stronger and more influential than I was. Your uncle found us, agreed to keep your father’s no contact agreement, but I told him to watch over you.” A smile appears on her face. “He promised he would, and for that, I’m truly grateful. Time didn’t make me forget. In fact, I cried more than I laughed during those times, but I didn’t lose hope; hope that one day we’d see each other again, and you’d forgive me for failing you. More importantly, Roxy, my faith saved me. You need to hold onto your faith, He will help you through this. Through faith, you’ll have hope.”

“I understand why things happened the way it did, Mom. I truly do. Damien helped me to understand you. Every time he hugged me from the day I found out he was my brother, I imagined his arms being yours. He’s an extension of you…of your love. I’m just happy you’re here, now.” I find I’m stopping myself when I start feeling my heart being happy. I feel I can’t be because of my mistakes. She notices my apprehension and coaxes me with her eyes to continue. “It’s hard to hope that he’ll love me, again. I’m dirty in his eyes. Am I dirty, Mom? I’m this person who deceives others.” I cast my eyes down, unsure of myself.

“Look at me, Roxy. Don’t doubt the people who love you. Not your brother, me, or even Cody. Love, coming from the heart when spoken means forever. Anything you want to keep forever, you need to fight for. When you meet your partner, the one God intends for you to have, it doesn’t matter really how hard, how long, and how painful the wait is. What’s important is not to give up on him or on each other. The hardest fought battles are the sweetest when won, Roxy.”

“He doesn’t love me, Mom. He won’t ever forgive me.”

Pain, once again, permeates every inch of my body. I don’t know if there’s any hope left in my heart. His words killed it and weakened my resolve. The embers of light that once flickered with hope is nothing, but a stream of smoke in the wind.

“It’s out of anger he spoke those words.” Sighing she continues, “The mouth can be both the harshest and sweetest part of the human body. We use it to say loving things to one another, but at a drop of a hat, hurtful things come out of it, too. Cody may think he doesn’t love you now, but only, He knows what’s in his heart. Cody can and may lie to you, but he can’t lie to Him. For He sees everything, knows everything and will reveal everything in the proper time. Wait…wait on Him to finish His work in Cody, and in you. Then, you’ll see how beautiful He will make your world, just as what He did for me, now. You have to allow Him to move in your life.”

With tears flowing down my mom’s face, I somehow know she’s going to be talking about death. I hope God gives me time to get to know her more….to love her longer, and to experience life with a mother by my side.

“For the longest time I prayed that He wouldn’t take me until I saw you again…feel you again, and say ‘I love you’ to you again. Now that He has given me this, I can say if I die tomorrow and He takes me home, I’m complete because of His gift. Yes, a lot of time has passed, lonely years we can’t get back, but you have to know it was all worth it in the end, for nothing comes easy in life. As hard as it may sound, waiting is all you have. I’ll wait with you as you wait on him.”

I take everything she says like a sponge. Soaking it all in, hoping that in the end it’ll all be beautiful as she said. Glancing over to where my brother stands, I can’t help but admire his strength, and who he learned it from. He’s wearing a huge smile on his face, contentment, love, and relief shining in his eyes as he watches mom and me make up for lost time.

He mouths, “I love you.”

I smile for the first time, and for the first time, the part of my heart that missed my mom; that longed for her….that part is clean, it’s full of light; and it’s surrounded by her love.

My heart may be partly happy,

Since it’s mostly hurting,

But love can heal most any wound,

And time….time turns the wound into scars,

And the scars….the scars fade away.

But before that happens…

I’ll sit here and….

Patiently….WAIT.

(Chapter 20)

It has been more than a week since the incident. A week and one day after finding out I have retinal detachment. My eye surgery was scheduled three days later for fear I might totally lose my vision. Since the tear on both eyes are at a twelve o’clock angle, sitting down is the best position to make the gas bubble that has been inserted into my eye to land exactly on the tear. I’ll be stuck in this sitting position, even when sleeping, for the next fourteen days. To say I hate it, is an understatement.

I haven’t heard from her since I kicked her out that night, no one has dared mention her name around me. I don’t know how to feel about that. I know this is what I want, I asked for it after all, but a little part of my heart misses her. As soon as that little rebel part of my heart starts missing her, the smart part of my heart crushes that thought, swiftly.

“How are you this morning, Cody?” My favorite nurse, Anna, says as she greets me.

“Still blind as a bat. So, you’ll be coming in my room every ten seconds. I’m playing Jeopardy with my clicker.”

She giggles as she pinches my cheek. “You’re too cute for your own good. You haven’t touched your breakfast.”

“I’m waiting for you to feed me. Can you tell me what I’m having?”

I suddenly sense someone coming in. With my eyes bandaged from the surgery, I’ve been more aware of everything around me. Call it paranoia or whatever, but my senses are heightened.

“Did someone just walk in, Anna?”

“No one, Cody. Open your mouth, baby boy,” she teases.

“What did you do on your day off?”

“Oh, I spent the day with my kids.”

I’m chewing my oatmeal, mulling over what she just said. She’s never mentioned having kids. I’m sure she’s a wonderful mother, simply by the way she takes care of me is proof enough.

“You’ve never mentioned your kids before.”

“I have a son and a beautiful daughter,” Anna voice is full of pride which makes me smile. “Umm, how about you? Do you have brothers? Sisters?”

Sadness crushes my heart. While I contemplate answering her with silence, I don’t, because she deserves a response, considering everything she’s done for me.

With a shaky voice I answer, “I-I’m an only child.” Pausing, I don’t know whether to tell her that I’m an orphan, too, that I lost my parents violently at the hands of my girlfriend’s father. “My…my parents were murdered. Both were shot on the head.” Not knowing what to say, I go with what I feel. “I miss them every day, more so now, especially when she….”

She holds my hand with both of hers. “You don’t have to talk about it, Cody. It must be hard talking about them.”

“Talking about them hurts more, knowing what I know now. Have you ever been misled? Fooled into thinking you’re important, but you’re not? You’re made to think you’re the air someone breathes, but in reality, you’re just being used?”

“Yes, to everything you’ve asked. But, make sure you’re upset at the right person. Maybe after sitting on your anger for awhile, you’ll ask yourself if hating someone is worth it, instead of giving forgiveness.”

She puts food in my mouth, allowing me to think about what she said, but I already know I can’t offer forgiveness, not until my heart is right. Righting it is the problem, because she destroyed it beyond repair, and her betrayal sealed our fate.

“She destroyed everything good in me, and that son-of-a-bitch took a lot from me, forgiving him isn’t an option.” Anger quickly sets in, and I know our meaningful conversations are over.

Hearing her sigh out loud is an acceptance of our conversation being cut short. We’ve done this a couple of times these past few weeks. I talk, she listens. I talk, she gives correction. I get angry, she stops. I feel as though I’m talking to my mom whenever I talk with her. She’s compassionate, understanding to a fault. Is it really bad to understand?

“That may be so, Cody, but can you live with that hatred in your heart? We can patch your injuries as though they never happened, but no one can help heal your heart but you. Why are you so mad at her? Is your hatred stronger than your love for her?”

Just then, I feel a soft very familiar hand on my cheek. Fingers tenderly grip my face sending sharp jolts of heat coursing through me, awakening my darkened heart to what it’s been missing. Just as quickly, I shut it down, not wanting to desperately need someone ever again.

“Anna, is someone else here? You know, I don’t want
her
in my room.”

She clears her throat, followed by a sigh. “It’s just me, Cody. I know, you don’t want her in here. I also know, you love her. Not to mention, you call out her name in your sleep.” Patting my leg she says, “It’s okay to be angry, even at those you love, but what isn’t okay is you harboring all that anger, and turning it into pure hatred over someone whose mistake was wanting to protect you. Don’t look so shocked that I know your story. While I feel for you, I know this isn’t you. Don’t let hatred change you. Don’t allow it to manipulate you, because once you do, it’ll only shatter you.”

Sarcastically, I let out a laugh. “Shatter me? I told you she ruined me, didn’t I? There’s nothing to shatter here.”

“Well, I’ll leave you be.” She thumps lightly on my chest twice.

I cover her hand with mine as my lips starts to tremble. “Why’d you do that? Don’t do that,” I say forcefully.

“Why?”

I answer quickly, “Because I don’t want to feel! I don’t want to remember!”

“Oh, Cody, if there’s nothing in your heart that’s left to be shattered, then you wouldn’t be afraid to feel. You’re afraid to remember, because it’ll bring back good memories of her. You’ll be reminded of why you wanted to protect her in the first place. Rest up, Cody.”

I let go of her hand, or more that, she lets go of mine. I’m man enough to accept everything she just said is nothing, but the truth. I’m just not ready to give it, not yet. I’m not fighting it…I’m just not doing anything about it, because doing something about it means opening up new wounds, owning up to my mistake, and accepting I hurt her…