Unmistakable (34 page)

Immediately, I put my hand on my nose, hoping her scent somehow got stuck on my skin. That’s how Brian finds me, basically, smelling my own hand profusely. I’ve missed her scent for far too long, not her fault, but my own.

“Okay, you have to ease on the morphine, bro. You think you’re a dog or something?”

His deep laughter echoes in my room, making me smile, my first real smile since my life imploded. “Roxy just left, didn’t she?”

The laughter in his voice disappears and is replaced with irritation. A cold blanket of fear slowly covers every inch of me.

“And, you care now because?”

“Because, I’m slowly realizing my misconception of things.”

“Slowly?” Irritation turns into indignation.

“I’m trying, B,” frustration thickly coats my every word.

“Trying? How about just doing it. What happened to you, Cody? You’re hurting the very person you promised to protect. We never walk out on anything, let alone leave someone out to dry, and that’s exactly what you did…still doing to her.”

Pity for myself gnaws on my soul relentlessly. “Why are you here, then?”

Sighing out loud his words gut me, “I’m here because we stick together. When one falls, the other is there to help. More importantly, I’m here to remind you, when our women hurt, we save them. Sadly, when your woman fell hard, instead of catching her, you stomped on her heart.”

“Don’t you think I know that? It’s the first thing I think of, and the last thing that leaves my mind. I…I just need to get it straight in my fucked up brain, alright? God knows, the many nights I’ve been by myself, I’ve struggled to make sense of it all.”

“And, have you figured shit out?”

“She makes it real for me, B. When anger and hurt took over, and my faith left me, I was lost. As hard as I tried to run back to her, I couldn’t. I find myself drowning in my own arrogance and self-doubt. I’m powerless to both, but breathing was so hard without her. She’s the only one that can save me, I realize it now.”

“I hope it’s not too late for you, Cody.”

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s her love for me…it’s my own doubts that clouded the reality of it. So, I know it’s not too late for us…I.am.sure of it.

“Late doesn’t exist between us, Brian. I know…I know, she still loves me.” This realization puts a smile on my face.

He snickers out loud, “Are you sure about that?”

“The Big J just revealed it to me, Brian.”

“The Big J?”

“Yup, I asked myself WWJD, and the Big J answered loud and clear.”

Brian’s laughing loudly now, “What did he say again?

I start moving my head from side to side as I sing Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder while Brian is howling like a crazy ass, but I can’t help it. Pure joy I haven’t experienced in a very long time is bursting out of me. Thank God, once again, he guided me and showed me the way. His.Way.

“Like a fool I went and stayed too long. Now I’m wondering if your love’s still strong. Ooh, baby, here I am, Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m yours. Hmmm… Then that time I went and said goodbye, now I’m back and not ashamed to cry. Ooh baby, here I am baby, Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m yours.”

Clapping Brian says, “Stop, dude. I can’t take it, anymore. You’re crazy!”

“Hand me your Oakley’s, man. I gotta rock this shit out,” I continue to jam like good ole Stevie, until my favorite nurse decides to show up.

“Wh…wha…what’s going on here?”

“Come on, Anna, jam with me…..”

I hear a familiar laughter over my singing, “He’s back!” It’s my man, Jake. “Alright, Anna, we need to move this fool in the psych ward.”

“How long has he been like this, Brian?” Anna loudly asks to overpower my karaoke time.

“Just a couple of minutes, right after he said ‘the Big J enlightened him’.”

To get their attention, I start clapping. “Anna, doc’s taking my bandages off in two days, right?”

“Yes, and if everything’s good, then your knee surgery will be scheduled soon after. Why? Are you nervous?”

“I’m a little nervous, but when he changed my bandage the other day, he said it’s looking good. I just have to believe I’ll be okay,” I hate that my voice is cracking because I feel so out of control.

“You’ll be fine, man. Can’t go anywhere, but up, now that your head’s not all screwed up,” Jake says as he taps my good leg.

“Um….can we keep my moment of clarity among us?”

“You’re scared or something, man? Do you want me to call Roxy? She’s hanging out with Tami and Trish.” I can hear the grin in Jake’s voice.

“Nah, I just need to perfect my Stevie Wonder rendition of Signed, Sealed, Delivered first, before I make my grand declaration.” My lips tipping upward since I’m trying to control my own laughter.

“Will you both quit pussy footing around me? Tell me everything…and I mean, everything, including how far Trish is dilated. I’m all for openness, here.”

Jake hits me on my bad leg. “Hey! Watch it!”

He growls at me, “Quit talking about my wife’s kitty, alright? Or, I’ll tell the nurses to overdose your ass.”

“Down, boy. I see Mr. Flinstone isn’t retired, yet. You should practice being Mr. Mom since you’re having four.” I pause for dramatic effect, tapping my lip. “Oh, wait. Are you frustrated, Jake? Sorry big guy, your dick’s been MIA.”

“That includes you, stupid ass,” He answers.

He’s not totally wrong about that.

“Throw me in the mix,” Brian’s frustrated voice silences Jake and my bantering.

“Whoa, stop right there, boy toy. You’re too young to need Viagra. Although, erectile dysfunction can strike at any time. Just have your dick checked, B.”

“Ugh! I don’t know which Cody I want, the comatose one or the crazy ass. You were actually okay just lying there.”

“What’s going on, Brian?” I can hear concern in Jake’s voice.

Brian blows out a long frustrated sigh. “The past couple of weeks, Tami’s been asking me how I feel about having kids. You both know I won’t even touch that with a ten foot pole.”

“She’s just having baby fever. Don’t sweat it, man.”

“Jake, I don’t know how to tell her. How do I say, ‘I don’t want to have kids’? That’s a recipe for a fight.”

“You gotta be open and honest. If not, misunderstandings happen, and by the time you realize it, everything’s turn to shit.”

“Speaking from experience, Cody?”

“You bet. I don’t know how to grovel since I can’t kneel down. You wanna be my proxy, Brian?”

“Ah, no! Anyway, I think this is one piece of info you’d want to know about. Once we’ve identified the dead bodies, we found out that the head honcho got a single bullet in the head courtesy of LT. Although, one drawback is Tessa being MIA. How she slipped by the Feds is anyone’s guess. But, don’t worry about that, man, that bitch’s connection is cold. If she resurfaces it wouldn’t be too soon. Alright, that’s all we have. We’re bouncing, man. I need to check in with the office.”

Jake says, “And, my wife needs me, as always.”

Smiling, I wave to them. I feel much lighter than a couple of weeks ago. I know, I need to reign in unwanted emotions on a daily basis, especially when I remember what happened to Roxy, and now, finding out Tessa is unaccounted for. I just have to have more faith in Him and in
us,
because without it, the pain and anger will drown me. Once I made a promise to her and to myself, ‘my life for hers’, and now, I know it’s supposed to be ‘our love for us’ because…

I cannot exist with….

I cannot survive with….

I cannot love with….

Only half a heart.

As soon as Cody grabs my hand, I panic. I know, I shouldn’t have done it, but I just have to. Being so near him, and not being able to touch him whenever I want…whenever I can…kills me. I run out of the room as fast as I can to seek solace in the safety of Trish’s room. Taking a couple deep breathes, I abruptly open Trish’s door, making Tami jump, and Jake glare at me.

Sheepishly, I apologize, “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you guys.”

“Roxy, Trish can’t be rattled, okay? How many times am I going to say this?” Jake looks at Trish, his once glaring eyes turn soft. I swear, he’s bipolar. “Are you okay, babe?” Gazing back at me, his glare is in full force, once again, confirming my original findings. “I swear, Roxy, if Jaelin and Jillian start getting fussy, I’ll wring your neck.” Smiling Trish’s way, he continues as I’m witnessing a crazy person in action. “Are my angels good, babe?” Trish rolls her eyes as Jake places his protective hands over Trish’s belly, then talks to the quads. “Trevor and Tyler, please, calm your sisters.”

Shaking my head as my eyes go as wide as saucers, my mouth finally opens. “Jake, you’re certifiable!” Narrowing my eyes at Trish since I have a bone to pick with her. “You have five seconds to explain to me why my fantastic four already have names! When did this happen?” Ticking my fingers as if I’m doing a countdown while I wait for Trish’s explanation.

“Okay! Jake and I decided last night. I don’t want to wait until they’re born.” Then, she smiles at me the smile that even I can’t resist.

“Let’s just get this straight, they’re not yours…they’re mine! Mine. I’m their dad,” Jake tells me as he points at me.

I don’t know how Trish can put up with his craziness. “I’ll remind you of that when you have to change dirty diapers. Or, when you need an extra hand to feed them. Or, when you have to pee. I suggest, you invest in depends.”

“What are you doing here, Roxy? You never leave Cody until it’s time to go home,” Tami asks, as she turns to squint her eyes at me.

“Um, he…um…he caught me touching him, and I freaked out. I…I’m afraid I can’t go back anymore.” Looking at Jake with pleading eyes, I make my request. “Jake, can you please…”

Raising his pointer finger, he interrupts me, “I’ll go, Rox.” Hugging me before he leaves, he says, “Don’t worry, the tides are gonna turn soon, okay? You can’t give up, now.” Leaning back, lifting my chin so I’ll meet his eyes. “He loves you. So, get your strength from that; don’t run away like I did…run together, and for now, it may seem as if you’re running alone; but before you know it, you’ll meet each other in the middle, running the race together.”

As soon as he leaves, I fall hard on the chair next to Trish, burying my face in my hands. I’m just tired…tired of pretending I’m okay. I do it in front of the boys, because I don’t ever want them to blame themselves for what happened to me. I don’t want them to think they could’ve done more.

Tami immediately puts her arms around me. “Stop crying. It’s all you ever do when the boys aren’t around. How long will you fake this, Roxy? How did your session go the other day?”

I shrug my shoulders. “Let me have this. If I cry it out, I’ll feel better.”

She asks me again, “How did your session go the other day?”

Another shrug. “It was okay. I’m healing as I go. I promise.”

“This will all be over soon. You’ll see, Roxy. You’ll see.”

“How are you and your mom?” Tami asks.

That question brings a smile to my face. “We’re okay. I think that’s what’s giving me the strength to keep going. If there’s one thing I can be thankful for with all the bad things going on, it would be finally meeting my mom. I just want Cody to enjoy this with me, you know?” Wiping my face, I offer Trish a small smile.

“Are you still having nightmares? Are you taking your meds?” Tami’s constant questioning is stressing me out.

Knowing I have to answer, I tell her, “If I take the sleeping pills, I don’t have nightmares, but I really don’t want to depend on meds, T.”

“You have to for now. Let your body heal, and the only way to do that is to sleep. If your mind is constantly going, your body will eventually give.”

“As long as the boys don’t notice it, I’m good.”

“They will, eventually. You can’t continue to do this to yourself. Quit blaming yourself for everything. I don’t care what Cody said! Nothing that happened was your fault. When are you going to stop punishing yourself, Roxy? You think you can shoulder all his pain, plus yours? Let him work on his issues, and you work on yours. Please.”

I bury myself in Tami’s arms. “Tell me there’s an end to all of this. I just want him to love me, again. I can’t lose him, Tami. I can’t.”

“I know, but you can’t lose yourself either. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of him, exactly as your mom said. You can’t get to the end without the beginning first.”

It’s precisely what my therapist told me. I have to begin healing me, before I can attempt to help heal him.