Unmistakable (28 page)

Even if she’s broken my heart.

The next thing I feel are hands all over me…tugging…pulling…poking…what the fuck! As I cautiously open my right eye, bright lights hit my eyeball which cause me to flinch, closing my eyelid shut.

I mumble, “Love…” I try to move, “Love…you…too?”

Someone holds me down and whispers in my ear, “You’re in the hospital. Who are you looking for?”

I slowly swallow and say, “My…lo…love…” I can barely speak. Something is on my face over my mouth. Talking makes my chest hurt…everything hurts, but the need to see her is worse than the pain I’m feeling, right now.

I try my hardest not to go under without seeing her. I’ve been shot before, almost bled to death, but not seeing her…not touching her…it breaks me even more…it leaves me to bleed even more. The bullet hole, somewhere in my battered body, has probably grown in size for every second I miss seeing her beautiful face. The only person that can plug every hole in my body that can soothe any hurt is not within reach.

Another female voice says, “Male approximately 26 to 28 years old, gunshot to the chest and shoulder, lacerations, and contusions on the face and head, left eye swollen shut, knee cap swollen, probably fractured or broken. Pulse weak, vitals tacky, decreased consciousness, and labored breathing. Jesus, you’d think he came from a war zone.”

A male voice says, “He has a sucking chest wound and a massive right side hemothorax. I need a thirty-six chest tube, and chest x-ray stat.” I hear the male voice start barking orders, “Did we establish an antecubital IV lines? It’s a through and through shot.” Another round of pulling…tugging, then the male voice continuous rambling, “Someone get me the sonogram. I need to know if our guy has pericardial tamponade.” The male voice ceases.

A female voice says, “X-ray to trauma bay one. Stat!”

More pulling…more tugging. I feel like fucking Humpty Dumpty, but damn it; I didn’t have a great fucking fall. I’ve been fucking shot!

The male voice shouts, “Shit, give me a large gauge needle attached to a 20ml syringe. I need to drain the blood around the heart. Call the OR; this guy needs surgery to stop the bleeding, ASAP!”

The next thing I know, I’m moving, or someone is moving me. My eyes are heavy, but my consciousness flashes a pretty picture of my love…my Roxy. Only God can explain this, but I can sense her. The stronger the feeling permeates my entire being, the closer I think I’m getting to where I’m supposed to be. Where the hell am I going, anyway? Are they taking me to her? Am I meeting my Maker?

Oh, God, not yet.

Give me one more glance…

One more touch…

One more kiss…

Just One More.

The only place that can give me peace is in her arms…in Roxy’s arms. I hope I’m heading to Roxy, because she’s the air that fills my lungs, the blood that flows in my veins….she is my life.

My mind flashes pictures of what happened to her. If she had only listened, but she NEVER listens. Then, pain…excruciating pain…caused from not knowing if she’s safe engulfs my entire being. Fear restricts my heart, it clouds my thinking….it breaks my soul.

But, I feel her…I felt her, right?

I feel as if I’m floating around in a sea of blackness, then a flash of light blinds me, and then, nothing. Even though I go in and out of whatever state I’m in, my prayer never stops. I’m begging God over and over again to keep her safe.

God…my…life…for hers.

Subconsciously or consciously, as soon as I hear the whoosh of the door closing, the connection is instantly cut…Am I dead? I’ll feel connected to her if my heart’s still beating, right? Or, I’m alive, and she’s dead? No! I’d rather die than her…not her.

“He’s crashing! Let’s get going folks…he’s flat lining!” A fading voice says.

Then, I feel it…my heart gives…my body is beaten up and broken, but what I know is true…my heart’s last shout…its last call is to Roxy. My heart may stop, but before it ever does, it beats only for one person, because our love…my love for her is undeniable…irrefutable…unmistakable.

Brian literally drags me out of that God forsaken room, but halfway through the dark hallway littered with agents and criminals being detained, I remember my dad. I squirm out of Brian’s hold and run toward my father. How can I focus on myself, and forget his lifeless body without telling my brother.

Brian grabs and pulls me toward him. Embracing me so tightly, I can hardly breathe.

“Enough! Roxy, I need you to listen to me. Even if this place is swimming with agents, it’s still a fluid situation, and running around uncontrolled isn’t safe. Do you, seriously, want to waste the sacrifice Cody made today?”

“No! Of course not. I-I just need to tell Damien about our d-dad. I-I don’t want h-him left here.”

Nodding he says, “We know, Rox. Come on, let’s get you checked out. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner you’ll see Cody.”

Brian flags down two medics and instructs them to clean and patch me up. Brian insists on me being strapped on a gurney and taken via ambulance. Having no fight left in me, I allow Brian to do as he wishes while shock catches up, numbing my mind. It seems I’m numb to everything else, but Cody. All I can think about is him…all I can see is him….all I want is him, but knowing he doesn’t want me resembles a knife slicing my heart in half. How I wish my heart were numb to the pain, because constantly feeling it is too much to bear.

My numbness gradually turns into anxiety, because I suddenly remember what that devil did to me, how he violated me, how he tainted everything pure that Cody and I shared…what we created together. Now, my heart has a void so big, I don’t know if I can ever cope since my source of strength decided to give up on me.

Physically I’m all good, I think. I’m semi blood free, every scratch and every wound are cleaned and covered. Why can’t emotional pain be as easily cured? There’s no amount of pain killers, no amount of anesthesia, and no amount of salve that can be applied to my broken heart and my mangled spirit. Not even a heart surgeon can put my heart back together. I don’t think there’s a therapist that can erase the memory of what that vile person did to me.

There’s one man, though….one brave and selfless man who can make my heart beat the way it should. He can, once again, help me erase the ugliness that lives in my brain. He can help create pure and good memories that only his lips can kiss away…that only his touch can lovingly heal. However, he’s fighting for his own heart to continue beating. It’s my hope his heart won’t forget mine.

LT walks toward us and leans over me, capturing my head with his hands, holding me still. His hold on me gives me momentary relief, until my love’s battered body and bloodied face, followed by my father’s lifeless body flashes in my mind as Diego’s evil hands and lips creep into my subconscious, causing my body to shake. Once again, I’m surrounded with pain, regret, and disgust. As quickly as his arms bring me comfort, they just as quickly rob me of it, because as my mind remembers, my heart feels the pain.

Forgetting isn’t something the mind and heart are capable of doing. However, forgiveness is something it understands…in time. So, in silence, I’ll suffer…in the stillness I’ll wait, because I know, I’m stronger when I’m around Cody no matter what’s standing in my way. God will help me to rise up from this, this I know with certainty, because I’ve seen HIS miracles work in my friends’ lives. While I wait, I’ll hold onto the hope that forgiveness brings. Forgiveness provides renewal of both body and mind…it helps to heal the bad and forget the ugly.

“Oh, God, I’m so glad to see you. You don’t know how much, Roxy. Putting yourself in danger isn’t gonna happen, again. You hear me? Not again,” my brother confidently says.

“Did you see, Dad?”

His concerned face morphs into indifference, which I currently want to erase so badly, because the man he knows wasn’t…isn’t….the man that died in my arms. I hope forgiveness comes easily for my brother, just as what happened with me.

Cupping his cheek, I say, “He changed, Damien. True, he made bad choices, sacrificed our family for the sake of his own needs and wants, but don’t we do it, too? I mean, put everything on the line to achieve something, whether it’s good or bad at the expense of our loved ones?”

His lips in a thin line and eyes blazing in anger, he delivers his first blow. “Do not compare me to that bastard. Do not belittle my choices, because mine won’t even come close to his. My choices are made out of sacrifice, not out of fucking greed. It may cause my loved ones to hurt every time I ship out to God knows where, but I’ll make it time and time again, because it’s a choice that others will benefit from. I do it…we do it…” He starts flailing his hand around, pointing to every agent. “….not because of what she can do for us…” pointing at the American flag patch on his jacket. “…but what we can do for her.”

My hand should’ve fallen from holding his cheek, because he’s shaking so violently. I’m afraid he’s going to pop a vein. “I’m not saying his choices are like yours. I know, they’re not. Yours are honorable while his was corrupt. But, it’s not how long he had to suffer to deserve forgiveness, it’s because he realized his mistakes that he deserves it. He loves you and mom, Damien. He took a bullet for Cody, and while it may not be an act deserving of forgiveness from you, it is for me. When it counted the most, he made the right choice. He did it for me. If you were standing there, and not Cody, he would’ve done the same thing, because it would be the right choice, not for him, but for you and mom.”

Shaking his head he says, “Stop! I don’t want to talk about him. He doesn’t deserve anything from me. Nothing.”

I nod, not in compliance, but in resignation. I hand the forgiveness over to God, so HE can pass it on to my brother. HE is the only one who can heal my brother’s hurts. Knowing our conversation about this subject is over, I’m sure he’ll gladly comply to my request.

“Take me to him, please,” I beg as fresh tears roll down my face.

He reaches for my hand and grips it hard as he nods at me, “How are you? I saw everything that bastard did to you. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there to protect you. Tell me please, what can I do? How can I take it all away?”

Not wanting to burden my brother, yet again, to carry another person’s pain, I know I have to lie. Trying to learn from my mistakes, I know lying isn’t the answer, but I have every right to protect those I love, too.

“I’m fine, Damien. Time heals everything, but being near Cody will help me, promise.” Offering a small smile, though pained, I’m sure helped to calm my brother’s nerves, for now.

A sob escapes me, because of the two words my brother uttered. Two words that remind me of Cody, and instantly, fear and sadness overpower me. I know
he
may never forgive me, and quite possibly, I may never forgive myself….

Forgiving yourself for a mistake is hard…

It’s not easily done…

It’s a merciless path…

A path travelled by most…

Survived by few.

“Why are you crying?” LT asks as sadness coats his voice.

“I’m afraid. What if he d-doesn’t want me there?” With a tiny, shaky voice, I finally say out loud my worst fear.

Shaking this thought out of my head is a hard task. I do it, though, to survive. Happy one second, because I find myself feeling strong; sad the next, because I feel so weak. One second I’m confident, the next I’m full of doubt. One second I’m full of resolve, the next I’m pummeled by uncertainty. The only thing constant is pain….my pain.

Brian lifts my chin to face him. “Do you believe in the love you both share, Roxy?”

“I.Do. But…..”

Shaking his head Brian continues, “Then, there shouldn’t be any ‘
but
’. Love doesn’t know that word, because love never questions. It’s confident in its giving, brave in its fight, and strong in its belief. So, are you ready to do this?”

I nod my head tentatively, but my brother, who’s beside me, nods twice. Once again, he’s carrying my load, transferring his boundless confidence to me, and hungrily I accept it. Two exceptional men flank me as the medic pushes me toward the ambulance. Destination, to my one and only love.

Finally, we arrive….