Unmistakable (26 page)

“Diego, are you okay?” One of the men holding me asks him.

“Yes! I’m good. Hold him up. When I’m done with you, you’ll be as good as dead.”

Diego starts hitting my face, and in my eyes one too many times without mercy. He starts pounding on my stomach, and finishes me off with an upper cut on my jaw. Not content with his handy work, he knees my face as my head jerks back with force as blood drips all over my face. The two men holding me up release me and I fall to the floor face down. Someone kicks me three, maybe four times in my rib then pulls me up on my knees, holding both my arms behind me as my head falls forward, then I hear her crying….begging….

“Please…stop…You have me! Let him go. Pl-please…” She says in between sobs.

I see my love on her hands and knees, crawling toward me from the corner of my eye, the one that can still see. How she got away from John, I’ll never know. All I know is, the closer she gets, my anxiety increases for fear Diego will hit her again. Why can’t she just stay away? When she reaches me, she grabs onto my waist and cries into my neck.

“Please, don’t hurt him anymore. St-op…I’m begging you. L—et him go….please,” She begs as she moves her hand over my chest and thumps twice…again…and again.

“Enough, Diego. Jefe wants to talk to you! Let’s go!” One of the guys says.

Diego and the rest of them leave and the one holding me back releases me, and I fall….

I fall helplessly on
her
….

In her arms…where I always want to be….

Where love surrounds me….completely.

“Love, I’m here. I’m sorry, so sorry,” I whisper in his ear.

He falls on me, and I hold him as though my life depends on it. It’s true…my life…our love, depends on him surviving, because nothing…..absolutely nothing can destroy me, but his death.

I try to wipe away the blood on his face, but he grabs my hand and stops me. He only looks at me for a fraction of a second and moves all his attention to my father. While I’m trying to deny the coldness I’m getting from him, my brain is quick to understand the reason why, but my heart….my heart refuses to accept what’s obvious. Once I do, I’m afraid, I won’t survive the hurt.

“John, can you help me; sit me against that wall, please.”

My dad does as he requests, while I sit there and stare as regret fills me up. At this very moment, I know…I know, I’ve lost him, completely. He’s too detached, and that’s not my Cody. As hard as I try to psych myself into thinking it’s only temporary, my heart knows his too well. He’s fighting the pull, resisting it with all he’s got, and knowing that’s what he’s doing destroys the little hope that blossomed in my heart when I saw him earlier.

“John can you get my knife, please?”

My dad hands him his knife and says, “I tried to buy you guys some time, Cody, but once they knew I was stalling, it was too late to get the word out.”

He nods at my dad, then he checks his watch; finally, looks my way; and hope starts to flutter like butterflies flapping their wings for the first time in my heart. Until I hear his voice, and that hope….that little butterfly, falls dead. That’s the state of my heart right now…it’s lifeless. It’s beating, sure, but its partner isn’t answering back, neither does it call my name anymore.

“Roxy, stay with your dad over there, please.” He points to the opposite side of the room.

I sit here stunned, and even though my head is telling me to move the hell out of his way, my heart wins the battle, because I move and attach myself to him. I hug him so tightly I can feel his heart beat against mine, but I don’t feel the same warmth I used to get, instead I feel this frigid…cold body against mine.

“What are you doing?” His voice is almost robotic…emotionless.

“I love you, please…say something,” again, I beg, not for my life this time, but for my love to love me back….to hold me.

He blows a pained sigh, “I’m here to do my job, Roxy. You need to move, please. Don’t make me say it, again.”

I nod, gradually accepting my present situation; however, I’m not ready to accept it as my fate, or my destiny. Cody and I…we’re meant to be together, and my heart can’t accept anything less. My heart belongs to him, and his belongs to me. I kiss his neck one last time, and one last time, I thump my hand over his heart, but I find myself stuck….I can’t move, because I don’t want to….moving means leaving…

Leaving means heart break…

Loneliness….

Sadness….

My dad pulls me away from him, and if not for his arms holding me, I would have fallen…lifeless….alone. Silently, I cry; I mourn what I’ve lost, knowing there’s a good chance I may not get him back. I’ve never felt so desperate and hopeless than I currently do. Crying on my father’s shoulder brings a little bit of comfort, just enough to convince myself that maybe there’s still hope….maybe.

“He promised me, daddy. He promised he’d never leave. He promised…” I say this over and over as my tears, once again, rain down my face.

“He won’t leave you, baby. Everything will be okay, Roxy. Don’t give up hope,” he says as he rubs my back in a circular motion.

My dad helps me to sit on the hard concrete, making sure I’m sandwiched between him and the wall. I lay my head on his shoulder as I watch Cody. He doesn’t look my way; in fact, he looks everywhere, but at me. I notice he keeps tapping his chest in a weird way, then just as he’s about to get up, the door swings open. Diego’s wild eyes meets mine, and my nerves shoot up through the sky. They double when he approaches Cody, and without hesitation, elbows him on his cheek, leaving a cut so deep blood starts gushing out. I can’t close my eyes, but what stills me like a statue is hearing the words coming out of Diego’s mouth.

“My brother is in jail, because your fucking father pressed that stupid alarm! I’m gonna finish you off!”

Cody gets his bearings and lands two powerful jabs on his face. They continue to scuffle, slamming, punching, and kicking each other. My dad slowly stands up, finding the right moment to jump in and help Cody. When Diego lands a solid hit to Cody’s stomach, he falls two steps back. Diego quickly pulls a gun from behind and aims it at Cody. Everything seems to move in slow motion, the next thing I know, my dad jumps in front of Cody, shielding him.

A blood curling scream escapes me, “Noooooo!”

Without thinking, I run toward my dad as I watch him fall on the unforgiving concrete with a thud. I don’t know how, but I’m able to pull him away from them and onto my lap, while Cody and Diego continue to fight over the gun. I can hear grunts and fist hitting skin, but I remain focused on my father. For the first time in a very long time, my tears are tears of love for him. Blood is oozing out of his chest, at least I think it is. It’s hard to tell, because his shirt is wet with his own blood…blood is everywhere.

“Daddy, please open your eyes,” I say between sobs.

Not knowing what else to do, I lay my head against his forehead, wetting him with my tears as a broken, unfinished prayer keeps rolling out of my mouth. I don’t know what to ask God first, to save my father, or to protect the man I love. Who do you choose?

“Please, God, I need one more chance to tell him something. Daddy, can you hear me? Wake up for me, please.”

His gasps get my attention. “F-forgive me, b-baby girl. Ro-oxy, te-ll your bro-other I’m sso-o…soo-rry,” he takes another pained breath and says, “Ask your mo-om to fo-or-gi-ive me.”

“Daddy, don’t talk. It’s okay. I forgive you. Just…just don’t give up on me, okay?”

He shakes his head weakly and continues, “I…I lo-ove you a-an-d your br-o—ther. Tell him that, please. Lo-ove your mo-m f-f-or me.”

Even though he forgot and abandoned my mother, my brother, and me all these years, I know without a doubt, he means every word that leaves his mouth. Allowing my mind to accept it as truth, I know I have to forgive him. I don’t know how anger toward him isn’t consuming me…consuming my heart; what lives inside me is regret and love for him. Regret for wasted years…wasted love and time, whatever he did, for whatever reason, right now doesn’t matter. My mindset is of that little girl who craves the love of her father, because what matters to me is what’s happening between my father and me now.

“Did you ever want to pick me, daddy?” I ask as I run my thumb over his cheek.

“My h-hea-rt p-p-icked you ba-by…ev-every ti-ime. Letting y-you g-go was the har-hardest thing to do.” Taking another pained breath in, he continues, “B-but it w-was the b-best f-for you…a life away from a monster like me.” His labored breathing is too painful to see as it drains every hope I have that he’ll survive this.

How I wish we were back in time if only to heal our hearts. So, I close my eyes, remembering how it used to be between my daddy and me. A picture of him buying an ice cream cone for me flashes in my mind, one of the few happy memories we have of each other.

“Do you remember, daddy, when you picked me up at school and bought me that ice cream cone? You told me you sneaked out without telling her. You were hugging me so tightly, then. I remember, you were telling me how much you love and miss me. I remember, daddy. I love you too, so much. I missed you every day…I missed our ice cream time every day. You can’t leave me, now. Please, fight for me.”

Taking in one huge deep breath as he coughs out more blood, his bloody hand on my cheek, my dad smiles at me, a smile covered in pain, and the words that leave his mouth will stay in my heart and mind forever.

“Do-on’t b-be like me…f-fight for th-those you l-l-ove. Ask C-Cody to f-f-forgive me.” Taking another deep breath, he continues, “Saving him is m-my re-demption. I h-hope it is. G-g-ive f-f-orgive-ness w-will-ingly, b-be-cause it f-frees p-people l-like m-me.”

I can’t help myself, I start kissing his forehead over and over again, because deep down, I know our time is coming to an end. I want to be able to feel his hot flesh against my lips, instead of the unwelcoming coldness that wraps a dead person’s body. I’m savoring these few minutes of instant completeness between him and me, holding him so tightly, not wanting to let go for fear of letting
his
love for me go with him. I feel his pure love for me, if only, for just a brief moment, because one simple touch from him, one simple smile for me, and the adoration in his eyes solely directed at me are enough to tide me over until I face Cody, again.

On borrowed time, I discover and feel how my father loves me, not because he used flowery words, but his eyes speak of love he’s had for me all these years. The deep longing and regret filled loved flows endlessly in his eyes like a waterfall cascading over a cliff as it splashes at the bottom only to continue on downstream, waiting for my acceptance.

Another sharp gasp, and he says, “Now, I’m r-re-eady…may God forgive me…”

I, quickly, cry out, “No, daddy! Noooo! I love you! I love you! Please….please…please, God, not yet…not yet.”

Another pain filled smile spreads across his face, and as I stare at him, committing everything to memory, I can actually see life slowly leaving his eyes, then all too soon, his hand falls lifelessly on me. My tears are dropping in rapid succession, controlling them is almost impossible. My body is shaking and uncontrollable sobbing wrecks my being. Oblivious to my surroundings, I rock back and forth as I hold onto my father…my daddy. Who in everyone’s eyes is a man who’s not worthy of my tears, and more so of my love, but he’s the only father I have. Through these short moments, God manages to correct the wrong, heal the hurt, and help me accept the mistakes of the past. My dad may not have erased the years of separation, but giving up his life for Cody’s after a lifetime of selfishness and greed, is an act of self-abnegation, in a way. He bridged the gap between his heart to mine, because of that one act…and only because of that one selfless act, I learned to love my father again.

Hurt….

Pain….

Regret….

Forgiveness….

Freedom….

Love….

All of these emotions start swimming in me, almost drowning me in my quest to understand them all. Suddenly, my heart doesn’t feel as heavy as it did a while ago….the regret is not as strong….the pain not as severe, because I feel free. Free of the baggage of hatred in my heart, because the forgiveness turned into love. I love my father; I always did. I hate the choices he made and how he allowed the evil ways of life to consume him, but more than anything, I’m thankful of the time God gave us to mend the broken, to correct the wrong, and to forgive the hurt.

Laying him down as slowly as I can, I hear a muffled voice calling me from a distance. I think, but I’m not sure about anything at this point until the cloud of sadness lifts, and clarity shakes my senses. I recognize the voice calling me. A very familiar voice beckons me to listen, and listen I do. I move toward him as my eyes meet my love’s blue ones, calming my distraught heart, instantly. My heart recognizes his immediately, and for a split second, I see love shining brightly in his eyes through the anger, only to disappear…

It’s GONE…

I’m ALONE….again.