Unmistakable (35 page)

Each morning, I take stock of myself. I move and bend my trigger finger, it’s functioning, check. I wiggle my toes, they’re working, check. I move my head from side to side, it’s still attached, check. I take a deep breath, air going in, no problem, then I exhale smoothly, check. I palm my dick, it’s semi, wonderful. I wonder when I can have a major lift off, and I chuckle at the thought. I thump my chest twice, and the first person that pops into my head is my love. My lips spread in a smile, and it’s the most fantastic feeling to date. The only thing I wish I could check are my eyes. If I’m permanently blind, so be it, easy to say, I know. I don’t think I have a choice in the matter though.

I just can’t wait to put my plan into action. As always, I have two sets, there’s one for when I get my sight back, and another for if I totally lose it. Either way, I know for sure, my heart and brain are in complete agreement.

“Ready for breakfast?” I can hear a grin in Ms. Anna’s voice.

“Is she feeding it to me?” Now, my anxiety level sky rockets, because I want her to be here.

A short pause tells me she’s not. “Uh…I don’t know what you mean.”

“I know, she was here the other day, and the days before, okay?”

“Well, then, I’m sorry; she’s not here.”

I try to mask my disappointment, and I don’t allow my heart to dwell on it. I refuse to fall into that emotional trap, again. She’s not here, because she can’t be not because she doesn’t want to be.

“You have me.”

“Uh, Brian, I don’t swing that way, man. No means no, okay?”

“Shut up and open your mouth.”

“Just hand me the spoon, and I’ll feed myself. The only one I want to feed me isn’t here. Where is she anyway?”

“She’ll be here. Now, be a good boy and finish your oatmeal.”

I think, I’ve asked Brian ten thousand times for the time. I’m really getting anxious, and my blood pressure is slowly rising, waiting for my bandages to be taken off. As soon as my love steps into my room, I knew. Why I didn’t realize sooner I’ll never understand. I guess, it’s true that anger distorts everything. I hear voices then; the only one not here, obviously is Trish.

“Are you ready, Cody?” Recognizing my doctor’s voice, I nod.

I can feel him unwinding the outer bandage, and when it’s only the eye patch remaining, I say a quick prayer, asking God for strength and acceptance. He gradually peels off one patch at a time, starting with my left eye. Finally, when the other is off, he tells me to open my eyes when I’m ready.

Blowing out a breath, I painstakingly start opening them…focusing on something….anything, blinking once…twice…and then inch by inch I let them move upward…blinking once…then twice. Tears I’m trying to fight start sliding down. I glance to my left as I gradually move my head to the right. I wish I could say I’m shocked, but I’m not, because when I prepared myself for the worst, my heart was conditioned, bracing itself for what’s to come.

“Can you see anything, Cody?” My doctor asks.

I shake my head…blinking once…then twice….

“Blink a couple of more times, please,” he instructs me.

I just stare straight ahead…blinking once….then twice…

“How about now, can you see anything?”

I don’t answer…I wait…I’ve been in this position, blind as a bat for over two weeks now. I can stay like this forever. He can ask me the same question over and over again, and my answer will be the same every time…

Watching the doctor take his bandages off is pure torture. Once both eye patches are removed, I move behind my brother, knowing he doesn’t want to see me. I rest my forehead on Damien’s back as he reaches for my hands, interlocking mine together with his. Once again, my brother serves as my rock.

I hear every question asked, and the painful answer Cody gives. With each answer, my tears fall, saddened by him losing his eyesight. I don’t ask God why, all I do is pray, asking for strength and hoping for a miracle. When he’s asked again, if he can see anything, I don’t wait for his response, knowing it’s going to be the same. So, I step away from my brother, needing to go toward him, wanting to comfort him, and that’s when he says…

“Now, I can see, I can see my love, her beautiful face I fall in love with time and time again, her trembling lips I want to kiss, her tears I want to wipe away, and her body I ache to hold. I can see all of it…I can see all of her. Can you walk toward me now, love? Slowly, please, I want to savor you for a while.”

I’m glued to the floor, doing my own savoring of him as I thank God for every blessing and answered prayer, while I wipe my tears away.

“Don’t wipe them off, baby. I want to do it. I want to be that guy again for you. The one that will protect you tirelessly, love you endlessly, and hold you for eternity. What do you say?”

I just nod to everything he says. Words are hard to find, not because I don’t know what to say, it’s that the emotions I’m feeling are beyond words. Weeks of feeling in silence…loving in silence does this to a person, I guess. Everyone’s saying their goodbyes as we still stare at each other, waiting for the other to speak, enjoying the connection we’ve both missed.

With wobbly legs, I start walking toward him, not breaking eye contact as he moves to sit at the edge of the bed with one foot flat on the floor while his other leg stays immobile on the bed. I stop right in front of him, his hands grab my hips, and then he twists slightly so he can pull me between his leg and the bed.

“Hey, love. Can you kiss me, now?” A simple, meaningful request I’m all too willing to give.

So, we both do. We kiss each other, using our tongues and lips to express our love, to share our pains and fears, but more than anything, to bring healing. Each nip…each bite is another promise made to protect our love…to persevere during moments of fear, and to hope we can overcome our hurts and doubts.

He breaks the kiss to pull me in for an embrace. He grips my waist as if I’m going to disappear any second, and I let him, because my hold on his neck is just as strong as his hold on me. Then, we both cry for each other…for his parents…for what happened to me…for
his
mistake and
mine
…for
his
fears and
my
doubts…for
his
doubts and
my
fears. We’re purging each other’s pain, healing each other’s hurts, and forgiving each other’s mistakes, not with words, but by every tear that falls from our eyes. With each other’s arms wrapped around the other, we don’t allow ourselves to fall, but to lift each other up.

It’s sweet…

It’s painful…

It’s liberating…

It’s exhausting…

It’s FORGIVING.

My mom walks in with a smile on her face, allowing us to enjoy our moment for a couple more minutes before she drops the gauntlet and tells us we need to separate.

“Cody, let her go and back to bed, please.”

My loving crazy boyfriend stays silent as his hands remain anchored on my waist. I try to suppress a giggle that’s threatening to bubble up when my mom moves in front of his bed, holding a syringe.

“Look at me, Cody. Do you see this?”

He releases me and looks at my mom, then to her hand while his eyes are getting as big as flying saucers. “What’s that, Ms. Anna?”

“Morphine. It’ll make you sleepy, and if you won’t do as I say, I’ll insert it on your drip.”

“You’re evil. Can’t you see I’m loving my woman?” Looking up at me he says, “Stop laughing, Roxy. I want to love you some more.”

Seriousness blanketing my mom’s face she says, “The woman you’re loving on is my daughter. Hands off, please.”

Cody swiftly looks at my mother with his mouth hanging open. “Are you serious?” Looking back at me he asks, “Is she pulling my chain, love?”

I start shaking my head. “Cody, meet my mom. Nurse Anna, meet my love.”

Cody’s lips tip slightly upward, and I know, he’s about to say something really really bad. A giggle escapes my mouth, enjoying this moment with my mom and him.

“Mom, I just got her. Although I know she’s been here this whole time taking care of me, I know, you’ve done more than her. You’ve put up with my shi…I mean, you’ve put up with my grouchiness, and still even with that, you’ve been patient. I’m glad you’ve seen that side of me, but I hope, you’ll also see the man she fell in love with. I’m calling you ‘mom’, hoping it’ll soften your heart, please, don’t disappoint.”

My eyes start watering, hearing Cody calling my mom… ‘mom’. He truly is healing my heart and building it back to how it was, piece by piece. Until he opens his mouth again, and I’m tempted to smack him upside the head.

“So, if you’ll excuse us, we need our privacy. Please, close the door on your way out. Thank you.”

Then, my love looks at me wearing his heart stopping smile. Right there, I know we’re going to be alright. It’s going to be a long road ahead, but with us staying true to each other and for each other, I know we’ll come out of it better than we started.

Mom clears her throat, breaking our spell. “Cody, thank you for your kind words. Thank you for loving her when we weren’t there. Thank you for looking after her, for making her happy. Thank you for forgiving me and my kids. I know how much you hate John, and being associated with him, made us guilty in your eyes.”

Cody’s cocky grin disappears as sadness covers his face. “I shouldn’t have blamed Roxy. I shouldn’t have blamed him, for that matter. He wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger, after all. So, there’s nothing to forgive. In fact, I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness, because you witnessed the hurt I’ve caused your daughter, and for that I’m sorry.”

My mom walks toward us, pulls me away from him as she cups his face. “We all make mistakes, Cody. What’s important is when we go back to the heart of it all, where it isn’t about you or about her, but it’s about the two of you, together. It’s going to be a tough road ahead, painful memories will surface from time to time, hold her as she holds you, but don’t forget to hold on to Him as well. For His strength can bear anything, okay?”

I watch them hug each other, but after, my mom insists on him resting for a little bit. He doesn’t fight it, but he refuses to let me go. He whines, so I climb in the bed, on his good side, so he can hold me. Even in his sleep, if I try to unclasp my hand from his, he instinctively holds on to it.

I’m back where I belong, nestled in his open arms as we both sleep, and hopefully, dream of good things about us.

It’s the day of Cody’s release, and I’m nervous as hell. My nervousness is brought about by my own insecurities regarding my father. We haven’t really talked about him or the sacrifice he made. I know he wants to know how I can easily forgive someone I called the ‘bastard’ all my life.

“Love? What’s wrong?”

My ever vigilant and observant boyfriend asks me as he looks at me with eyes that says ‘you better spill it girl’. Learning from my mistakes, I decide to go for broke and tell him the truth – the absolute truth.

“I know we haven’t really talked about, um…my dad,” my mouth opens without looking at him for fear of what I’d see.

“Eyes on mine, love. Unless you want the floor to answer you, your eyes need to be looking straight at me.”

I lift my eyes up, looking at his hopeful and understanding ones which give me the push to open my mouth.