Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (12 page)

Chaz, Birmingham

If you want someone to do something, tell them NOT to do it. This guy could be an axe-murderer, but if you say to your sister, “Look, he doesn’t fit the mould” (or if you call immigration) she might just run off with him. You shouldn’t lie, though, and neither should your old man: if your sister asks for approval, you should both come clean and tell her what you think. I’ve had all sorts come into my house over the years to see my girls… although most of the time they don’t approve of
me
, not the other way around. My guess is that eventually your sister will think to herself, “What am I doing with this pork chop dickhead?” In the meantime, tell your dad to hold on, this stage will pass.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My brother is 30 going on 13. He has never lived on his own, and my parents won’t kick him out. What can I say/do to get him to pull his head out of his backside and grow up?

Sara, Texas

When I was growing up in England, this problem was always the other way round—parents wanted their kids to look after
them
. It was the only reason why most people had kids in the first place. These days, I know grown men in their fifties who are still living their with their folks. It’s fucking unbelievable, man. I mean, what happens when you want to bring a girl home to give her a good old seeing to, and your mum comes in halfway through to bring you a cup of tea and a sandwich? It doesn’t exactly look very smooth does it? At the end of day, though, people do what they want to do, and there ain’t much you can say to stop ’em. Especially brothers. Although you might want to buy yours a DVD of
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
, to give him a glimpse of the future.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife’s brother-in-law is a handyman/contractor, so we feel obliged to use him for all our jobs around the house. The problem is, he’s useless, and he complains all the time. How can we get ourselves out of this awkward situation? (My wife sees her sister every day, so she doesn’t want any tension or weirdness.)

Billy, Scarborough

If you can write to Dr. Ozzy about this, your missus can surely have a quiet word with her sister. Not, “Your husband’s an incompetant, whingeing arsehole,” but something more like, “Look, our two husbands have been butting heads on this DIY project, and I’m worried that if they keep at it they might fall out, and I’d really hate that to happen, so why don’t we tell ’em to take a break from working together on the house for a while?” The alternative is to just put up with it—but in my experience of having renovated half the Western hemisphere with Sharon, people get very stressed-out during construction, and at some point another, voices will be raised… or worse.

IV: SPOUSES & IN-LAWS

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have three small kids and would love to live nearer my mum so she can help out. My husband is refusing to move, however, based on the advice of his late father to “never live in the same town as your mother-in-law.” How can I change his mind?

Sonia, Paris

It’s one thing saying, “I married
you
, not your mum” when you’re footloose and fancy free, but it’s quite another when you’ve got three little kids—which can feel like having three full-time jobs sometimes. If your husband’s putting his foot down, then I think it’s perfectly to reasonable for you to say to him, “Okay then, either you need to chip in more with the work around the house, or you need to earn more money so we can afford some extra help.” Faced with a choice between his free time or his beer money, living a bit closer to your mum might suddenly begin to seem like a brilliant idea.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My mother-in-law is the world’s worst cook. How can I avoid eating her food without offending her?

Stephanie, Durham

Get a dog. That way, you can look like a hero by filling up your plate and then coming back for more… while passing down handfuls of lumpy mashed potato to your four-legged friend under the table. Just don’t get a dog that’s too big: having a ten-stone Rottweiler burping and slobbering by your feet’s gonna be a bit of a giveaway, especially if he farts. Another trick is to stuff the food in your pocket. One time I managed to fit all three courses of one of Sharon’s dinners into my coat. The only problem was, I forgot all about it, so when she took a trip to the dry-cleaners a few months later, she found my stash of rock-hard dumplings. Most of ’em ended up being thrown at my head.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife has suddenly started going to a local “happy clappy” church. I’m not religious at all, and to be honest with you, I find it all very disturbing. Is it possible to have a marriage where one person is an atheist and the other is a devout Christian?

Oliver, Darlington

Some people turn to God like others turn to cocaine—usually ’cos there’s something missing in their lives. I had a very good friend who was an addict for years, and the second he gave it up, he became a Jesus-freak. It was like he swapped one for the other. Talk to your wife about it. See if you can find out what it is that’s making her so intense all of a sudden. But if she continues this way, there’s gonna be a blow up at some point, mark my words. Evangelists are supposed to evangelise, so eventually she’s gonna be on your case about the “good news.” And that’ll be very bad news for you. (After this question was published, I got an e-mail from a guy called Paul from Oxford, who said his Catholic mum and atheist dad had been together for 30 years. “The bottom line is if they have love and respect for each other,” he told me. “If not, then that’s where the problems start, irrespective of religious persuasion.”)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My partner is divorced and has three kids who don’t live with us. The trouble is, he
never
stops talking about them. He even talks to me about his bloody ex-wife! It’s driving me mad, but I’m afraid to mention it, in case he thinks I’m narrow-minded.

Julia, London

I’ve had first-hand experience of this problem, and it’s a tough one. At one point I was spending so much time juggling between my first wife, Thelma, and my second wife, Sharon, I’d come home and call the missus “Tharon”—which earned me more than a few black eyes, believe me. Over in California, you hear of these weird families where everyone’s divorced and remarried but still friends, but that’s gotta be pretty fucked up. I mean, we’re all human. It sounds to me like you’ve started to feel a bit like the booby prize when it comes to your bloke. My advice would be to talk to him about it, but do in a way that doesn’t sound like a criticism. Put yourself in his shoes; ask yourself what it would be like if
you
had a little boy or girl from another marriage, and how much you’d love them and want to stay in touch. But then explain to him that you have feelings, too, and that you need to know how you fit into his world.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My mother-in-law complains to me—in detail—about how my father-in-law fails to satisfy her in bed. What sort of brain eraser do you recommend? (I’m tempted by the Smith & Wesson method.)

Nina, Texas

As far as my kids are concerned, having sex over the age of 45 should be illegal. Never in a
million years
would I talk to them directly—never mind their partners—about giving one to their mum (although if they read this book they ain’t gonna have much choice). I mean, what’s wrong with this woman? No-one in their right mind wants to think about their father-in-law’s one-eyed wonder, or how good he is at swinging it between the sheets. I recommend changing the conversation, or buying ear-plugs.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My parents don’t get along with each other any more, but they’re so old now—late 60s and early 70s—they don’t want to divorce and end up living alone. The trouble is, their unhappiness with each other is making everyone around them miserable. Any words of wisdom?

Catherine, Boston

It’s not what they should do, it’s what YOU should do. Call a family meeting. I do this all the time when something’s bothering me. Tell your folks that their bickering is getting everyone down, and that it’s reaching the point where it’s giving you so much anxiety, you don’t even want to spend time with them any more—which makes you sad, ’cos you love them both very much. If they still can’t resolve their problems after that, ask if they can at least make an effort to be civil to each other while you’re around.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife gets very aggressive during her “time of the month,” but if I point this out, she gets even angrier. What can I do about this?

Gary, London

If there are four words that a married man should never say to his wife—especially during an argument—it’s “time of the month.” It’s the atomic bomb option, and the bomb’s only ever gonna land in one place: on your fucking head. Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for women when it comes to the T.O.T.M.—it must be awful. My advice to you, Gary, is to simply get out of the house if you suspect that’s what’s putting your missus in a bad mood. As anyone in the Army will tell you: it’s harder to hit a moving target.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I want to propose to my girlfriend. The trouble is, her father died ten years ago, and now she has a stepfather who she doesn’t really like. Do I need to ask his permission?

Ted, Stevenage

No. But if you want to keep the peace, why not ask the mother and the stepfather at the same time? It’s never a bad idea to suck up to the in-laws, ’cos if you’re anything like me, at some point you’re gonna need all the goodwill you can get.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m convinced my husband has fallen in love with one of his colleagues, but I don’t think he’s having an affair—yet. Should I do nothing, or confront him? I’d prefer it if he had a one-night stand than a close emotional relationship with another woman.

Joan, Bristol

Unless you have convincing evidence that something dodgy’s going on, I’d leave it alone. Otherwise, your husband could end up saying to himself, “Oh, well she thinks I’m messing around anyway, so why not go for it?” Or you could make him defensive, and then he might start to lie, and then you’ll have this big wedge between you. The absolute last thing you want to do is make it You vs. Them, ’cos that’ll just make ’em closer. One sneaky tactic you could use is to befriend this woman and start hanging out with her all the time—the old “keep your enemies closer” game. Not that Sharon would ever do that, mind you. If she ever suspected anything, she’d be round the other woman’s house in a heartbeat, breathing fire all over the place, and scaring the living shit out of her.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This will make me sound like a chauvinistic pig, but I hate the fact my wife earns far more than me. It’s not like she brags, but it’s driving me insane that she pays for everything, from the nanny to our family car. How can I consider myself a “real” man?

Jasper, Surrey

I know exactly how you feel. When I first started seeing Sharon, I was the smelly guy who’d pissed away all his money and been fired by his band, and she was one with diamonds and fur whose dad was a multimillionaire. It made me feel terrible. In fact, I think it would make
any
man feel terrible unless he’s some kind of gigolo who preys on loaded women. It might be an old-fashioned way of looking at the world, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to provide. If that ain’t an option, though, you just need to make sure the missus knows you’re grateful—maybe by cooking dinner, doing the dishes, giving her foot massages, etc. Whatever you do,
don’t
do what I did, and steal a bunch of flowers from the nearest graveyard to give to her. It might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it soon backfired when she realised there was a card attached—which I’d forgotten to take off. She thought it was gonna to be a romantic poem or something. Instead it said, “
In loving memory of our dearest Harry
.”

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife insists on going to therapy every week, but as the earner in the family, I get lumped with the bills. Now the therapist is telling my wife she needs an expensive holiday—and that she should stand up to me more on “financial issues”! So I’m paying someone to make me poorer and ruin my marriage. What should I do?

Steven, Norwich

I’ve been in a similar situation myself, and there’s an easy solution: suggest to the missus that you go along to one of her “sessions,” so you can say to the therapist in person, “Look, I resent the fact I’m forking out good cash to help my wife, and all you’re doing is poisoning her against me.” Or you could just punch the guy in the face, and go, “Analyse that.” Seriously, though: you’ve gotta give your side of the story. Therapists aren’t superhuman, they’re just paid to listen (and make suggestions, in some cases). If your wife refuses to let you go, then it might be time to get suspicious. She could be using her weekly “sessions” as a cover up for something else, possibly involving the pool boy.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Flesh & Blood

Find the answers—and your score—
here

1. Which well-known historic person was sold to human traffickers by his family when he was a kid?

a) Martin Luther King

b) Joseph from the Bible

c) Oliver Cromwell