Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (4 page)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What’s the best cure for snoring? I need something to shut up my husband, who sounds like a whale with a foghorn stuck in its throat, before I kick him downstairs to the sofa.

Jane, Acton

I used to share a room with a guy who had the worst snore in the world, I swear. One night, I got so fed up with him, I filled up a wastepaper basket with water, put it next to his bed, and told him, “One snore, and it’s going over yer head.” And y’know what? It cured him. Or at least he didn’t dare go to sleep until he was pretty fucking sure I’d already nodded off. Having said that, I’m a terrible snorer myself. So is Sharon. Our 17 dogs snore, too. When all of us are in action at the same time, our bedroom must sound like the London Nostril Choir. It’s never bothered me, though. I’m usually asleep.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that chicken soup can help with congestion?

Rita, Germany

Yes—especially if you add gasoline. Seriously though, I’ve definitely heard that there’s a special chemical in chicken soup that breaks up all the gunk in your nose, making you breathe a bit easier… but in my experience it only lasts for as long as you’re eating the stuff. It’s more likely the heat of the food that gets the old snot running.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What’s the best cure for depression?

“Peter,” County Armagh

It’s tempting to give you a funny response to this, but unfortunately depression ain’t funny: I’ve suffered from it myself. What I did—and what I recommend you do—is talk to your GP. Personally, I’m on a low dose of an anti-depressant called Zoloft (also known as sertraline), and it does the job. Of course, you hear a lot of people say that anti-depressants just put a sticking plaster on the problem, instead of solving the real cause. And they might have a point… but it’s very easy to say that
if you ain’t fucking depressed
. The only big problem for me with anti-depressants is that they ended my sex life. Trying to get down to some action these days is like trying to raise the
Titanic
. It would be depressing if I weren’t on anti-depressants. As it is, I don’t give a flying one.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that “onion syrup”—onions cooked with brown sugar or honey—can help with a cough?

Jamie, Madrid

No idea. I
do
know that if you eat enough onions, it’ll cure people from wanting to speak to you again.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Magic Medicine

Find the answers—and your score—
here

1. Which musical instrument allegedly cures “sleep apnoea” (when you don’t breathe properly at night)?

a) A kazoo

b) A didgeridoo

c) An Auto-Tune machine

2. What the fuck is “Peruvian Viagra”?

a) A squished frog

b) A well-trained hamster

c) A rare type of bean

3. The ancient Egyptians treated blindness with…

a) Tickling

b) Sunlight

c) Bat’s blood

4. Which “cure” for AIDS has actually helped spread the disease?

a) Bonking a virgin

b) Putting the condom on your big toe

c) Smothering your private parts in clarified butter

5. In the 1960s, psychiatrists treated alcoholics with…

a) Alcohol

b) LSD

c) Hospital-grade laxatives

CHAPTER NOTES: HOW TO CURE ANYTHING

Have a Fucking Egg

2

The Truth About Diet & Exercise

O
ne of the saddest questions I’ve ever been asked as Dr. Ozzy came from a middle-aged woman in Worcester—Sally, her name was—who wanted to know if was safe to “Go to work on an egg” (as an old British ad slogan used to say). Someone had told her that yolk was bad news, so she was considering a switch to low-fat bean curds or some bullshit. I could hardly believe it, man. This woman was old enough to remember when it was considered perfectly acceptable to fry bread in lard, or let kids breathe fumes from leaded petrol. And yet she’d convinced herself that one boiled egg was gonna send her to an early grave. I mean, really? Is
that
how crazy things are now?

The trouble is, it’s so easy to get things out of proportion. I’m guilty of the same thing myself. For example, I recently went through a phase of having egg-white omelettes for lunch as part of a low-calorie diet. Then one day this light blub went off in my head, and I thought to myself, “Y’know what?
This tastes like fucking shit
.” So I went back to eating normal omelettes, and, low and behold, I didn’t grow five extra bellies overnight. As long as you’re not having a dozen eggs every morning, another dozen for lunch, and another dozen for dinner, what’s the problem? It the same with
anything
: all you need is a bit of common sense, and chances are, you’ll be fine.
^*

Having said that, common sense has never exactly been one of my fortes. Because of my addictive personality, I tend to do anything and everything to excess. Like when I gave up McDonald’s and switched to burritos, for example. Within 24 hours, I was addicted to the fucking burritos. Or when I gave up being a lazy-arsed bastard and started to exercise, but ended up taking a gram of speed so I could run around the block faster. It’s a never-ending struggle, trying to live the perfect balanced lifestyle if you’re as unbalanced as I am. As a matter of fact, I think it’s hard for everyone, insane or otherwise. But as I always say to people, you should never stop trying. Just take every new day as it comes—and go easy on the triple-decker bacon chili cheeseburgers.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My daughter announced today that she’s going on the “Five Bite Diet”—ie, she drinks what she wants (if it has no calories) but has only five bites of lunch and five bites of dinner. As a precaution, she’s also taking a multi-vitamin tablet every day.

Should I try and stop her?

Julie, Sunderland

I’ve never heard of this before, but it doesn’t surprise me that it exists. In fact, I tried a similar kind of extreme diet myself once—I called it the “walking corpse” diet, ’cos even though you got thinner, it made you feel like the living dead. And of course it goes without saying that five seconds after I stopped, I put all the weight back on again. I mean, I honestly don’t know what to tell you when it comes to dieting, ’cos I came to the conclusion a long time ago that nothing works apart from eating healthier and eating
less
, full stop. Catchy-sounding quick fixes are usually good for only one thing: making a shitload of dough for the person who came up with the idea. Bearing in mind that your daughter will probably do the opposite of whatever you tell her, it’s at least worth getting the advice of your GP before she starts sniffing her dinner instead of eating it. That’s the best way to make sure she ain’t doing anything dangerous.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My doctor has told me that I have high cholesterol. Does that mean I should stop taking cocaine?

Andrew, Los Angeles

Hang on a fucking minute: don’t you think you’re putting the cart before the horse a bit here? I suppose you’re thinking that because the cholesterol gives you a higher risk of a heart attack, the coke might send you over the edge. But you shouldn’t be doing cocaine, full stop—never mind if you’ve got high cholesterol, low blood sugar, a gammy leg, or a runny nose. It’s a like a forty-a-day smoker asking if he should move out of the city to get some fresh air. Where’s the logic, man? Here’s the thing with coke: you can drop dead from it
instantly
, ’cos you’re buying it on the street, so you never know the fuck’s gonna be in it. It also messes with your head, makes you say stupid things, and can land you in prison. Here’s my advice: if you keep taking the coke, forget all about your cholesterol—chances are, you’ll kill yourself before anything else can.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I can’t stop drinking Coca-Cola. Do you think I’ve become addicted to the caffeine?

David, Staffordshire

I know plenty of people who are addicted to cola—not just the brand name stuff, but the big, cheap gallon bottles you get in a supermarket. It’s not so much the caffeine you get hooked on, though: it’s the
sugar
. Try switching to a diet brand. Or better yet, have a cup of tea instead.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend goes swimming six times a week and does yoga twice a week, but he’s still getting fat. Why?

Eve, Ireland

There’s only one explanation: he’s eating sandwiches between laps. Either that, or he’s lying to you about the exercise. I recommend hiring a private detective to follow him around for a week. Report back.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it
really
true that you’re a vegetarian now? Have you bitten the head off a lettuce yet?

Paul, Derby