Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (7 page)

I haven’t been able to “go” for ten days, and I’m starting to get really worried. Nothing seems able to unclog me.

Barry, Aberdeen

I’d recommend a strong cup of coffee, but it sounds more like you need a stick of dynamite. Prunes can also be effective, if you can stand the taste. Personally, if I’m suffering from a spot of constipation, I’ll ask the missus for some of her “special pills.” All women seem to have a stash of these things somewhere: they come in a pink box with flowers on the outside. Just be careful: I once took a handful of ’em, thinking they’d never work—nothing else did—but boy, was I wrong. Two minutes later, I was unloading about ten Christmas dinners out of my rear end. It went on for
days
, to the point I couldn’t even work out where all the stuff was coming from. It was like the laws of physics didn’t apply. So I suggest trying to get hold of the same stuff. Just go easy with it.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I love lattes, but just one medium cup gives me a headache and makes my heart race. Is this normal?

Anne, Tyneside

I learned the answer to this question when I got my DNA downloaded onto a computer chip in 2010: we all metabolise caffeine at different speeds, based on the way our genes work. Personally, I feel like my head’s about to blast off to Mars after one sip of espresso, and now I know why: my body can’t process it. It sounds as though you’re built the same way. Unfortunately, there’s only one thing you can do: switch to another drink. Trying to beat your own genes is a game you’re only ever gonna lose.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How much vitamin C is healthy? I’m taking 4,000mgs a day in the hope of avoiding a cold.

Meredith, Surrey

I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure your body can only store so much vitamin C: the rest just passes right through you. So even if you take 5 million units or whatever, it won’t do much good. The sad fact is, if you’re gonna get the flu… you’re gonna get the flu.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Every time I drink milk I get the most horrific eggy flatulence you’ve ever had the misfortune to smell. I can clear out entire restaurants with it. Does this mean I’m “lactose intolerant,” or is that just some bullshit that Hollywood-types have invented?

Glen, London

It ain’t bullshit. I’ve got a friend who literally turns green when she drinks milk. Try switching to soy milk for a week, then wait ’til a good old rumbler comes down the pipe, and let it loose in a confined area. If everyone’s still conscious after five minutes, problem solved.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

During important meetings, my stomach growls loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. It happens even after I’ve eaten a good breakfast. Please help—it’s terribly awkward.

Terry, Belfast

Nerves. I guarantee it. It might even be a symptom of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). At least you’re not breaking wind, though: that’s
really
embarrassing. Trust me. Especially when it sends a stale breeze through the room. That’s the thing with the human brain: when it’s stressed out, it’ll find all kinds of ways to mess with you, from making you feel like you need to pee all the time, to bringing you out in a rash. Which is horrible, really, ’cos those are the kind of things that just make the original problem worse. The good news is that there are all kinds of potions you can take to help calm you down, including a special kind of beta blocker, which they use for stage fright.

Ask your GP about it.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve joined a cycling club to get fit, and a lot of my fellow members—all men—have told me that I should shave my legs to become “more aerodynamic.” Isn’t this a bit weird? I mean, how much more aerodynamic can you possibly get by removing a few leg hairs?

Jim, Exeter

Unless they start asking you to wear ladies’ knickers, I wouldn’t worry about it. Also, from what I understand, the shaving ain’t just about aerodynamics—it also makes it a lot easier to treat an injury on your leg if you fall off, which happens a lot if you compete in heavy-duty road races.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whenever I eat, or have a “number two,” my nose runs continually. I’m not joking—it’s driving me bananas. What can I do about this (other than buying shares in Kleenex)?

Jacky (No address given)

PS: I’m not allergic to anything that I know of.

All kinds of crazy things can make your nose run because of the way your ears, nose and throat are all linked together. Personally, I get bunged up all the time ’cos of everything from dust mites to dodgy smells, so you might want to investigate allergies a bit more. Washing out your sinuses regularly with saline spray might help, although if you do it wrong, it feels like you’re being fucking waterboarded. You could also be reacting to the temperature of the food you’re eating, or how spicy it is. I mean, if ate a lamb vindaloo every day, my nose would run, too. Again, nasal sprays might help. So might antihistamines, if your doc approves. As for the “number twos”—that’s pretty far-out, man. Maybe the sensation of pushing is triggering the same thing as the food? Ask your GP if he can send you to an ear, nose, and throat guy for a consultation.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Every so often, I get these nasty little bumps on my tongue which ruin my sense of taste. Please help.

Saeed, Leeds

By the sound of your question, this has happened to you a number times, and the bump has come and gone without making your tongue fall out or your head explode. So why are you worrying? Having said that, if it were me and something weird puffed up somewhere, I’d be straight down the doc to get it checked out. Given that you’ve gone to the trouble of writing in, it’s obviously bothering you, so you should do the same.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that eating a big meal late at night makes you fatter than if you ate the same meal for lunch?

Dolly, Hereford

It depends. I mean, if you’re a competitive eater who can shove 98 cream pies down her throat in four minutes, then I somehow don’t think you’d put on less weight if you ate ’em for breakfast instead of dinner. On the other hand, if you have a normal diet, it seems logical that it’s better to eat as early as you can—not only so your body has a chance to metabolise, but also to prevent acid reflux syndrome. The trouble is, if I don’t have a good meal at night, I can’t sleep, especially after a two-hour gig. So I’ll end up having a salad, then five minutes later, ordering a pizza. That’s why I’ve gotta watch myself on the road, ’cos I wanna be the Prince of Darkness, not the Prince of Fatness.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband wants to take me to a sushi restaurant for the first time. Aside from radiation fears (the fish isn’t from Japan), is there anything I should avoid for health reasons, or is all the stuff I’ve heard about the danger of raw fish overblown?

Zara, Durham

The thing to remember about sushi—Western-style sushi, anyway—is that it ain’t like the smelly old haddock you used to get from the fishmonger when you were little. From what I understand, sushi-grade fish is bled, gutted and packed in ice very, very quickly—and is usually frozen long enough to kill any of the parasites that might cause you any problems. Having said that, I’d avoid Fugu (“river pig”) if it’s on the menu (see
here
).

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I need to lose weight fast for a wedding—are diet pills a good idea?

Ben, Stevenage

Up to you—as long as you bear in mind that some of those pills come with pretty weird-sounding side-effects, like “gas with oily spotting.” You don’t want to break wind during the best man’s speech and feel like the Deepwater Horizon just sprang a leak in your underwear.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve just read about an 82-year-old man in India—his name is Prahlad Jani—who claims not to have eaten a single thing since 1942, because he draws nourishment from meditation. (He hasn’t drank anything, either, allegedly.) Could this be possible, given that the longest-ever hunger strike went on for just 74 days?

Derek, Peebles

I don’t know, but I’m gonna get my assistant on the phone ASAP and send this guy a curry—he must be
starving
. Actually, the whole thing seems pretty fishy to me. I mean, there’s no way I could meditate or go without a hot dinner for that long. I’m ready to throw a brick at someone after sitting cross-legged for 69 seconds, never mind 69 years.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Health Nut

Find the answers—and your score—
here

1. If you ate one tablespoon each of these foods, which would slam you with the most calories?

a) Goose fat

b) Ghee (clarified butter, used in curries)

c) Unsalted butter

2. Farting less often is easy if you…

a) Swallow less air

b) Drink more water

c) Cut down on beans, sugar-free chewing gum… and pears

3. Speaking of unwanted trouser explosions… how many times does the average person let rip every day?

a) 14 times (1–4 pints of gas)

b) Twice (half a pint of gas)

c) 27 times (8–12 pints of gas)

4. What causes “heavy leg syndrome”?

a) Involvement with the Mafia

b) Exercising too much

c) Not enough blood circulation

5. How old was the fitness guru/muscleman Jack LaLanne when he died?

a) 41

b) 96

c) 73

CHAPTER NOTES: FITNESS METHODS

Pruning

3

Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness

W
hen I was growing up in Aston, my idea of a personal grooming was a hot bath every other year. It’s not like there was a lot of pressure to be smooth-skinned and beautiful in those days. As a bloke, you were hairy and smelly, full stop, end of story. And as a bloke who was also a rock ’n’ roll singer, you were basically a one-man walking fucking sewer. I went on tour in Scandinavia once—in the depths of winter—with only one change of underpants. And no toothpaste. By the time I got back on the ferry to Harwich, Essex, my breath was so bad, every time I opened my mouth to say something, flowers wilted and birds fell out of the sky.

I’m a new man now.

The first time I really experienced modern beauty treatments was when I met Sharon. I woke up one day and she had me in a headlock with a pair of tweezers in her hand. I remember screaming,
“What the fuck you DOING
?!” She just tightened her grip and went, “I’m giving you a long-overdue pruning, Ozzy, that’s what I’m fucking doing.”