Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (28 page)

Try throwing up during sex. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it ever acceptable for a married man to get a lap dance at a strip club?

Louise, Morecambe

If you’re gonna tell your wife about it—
no
. If you’re gonna NOT tell your wife about it—
yes
. But they’re stupid places, strip clubs. I know people who spend most of their lives in them, like kids in a toy shop. I’ve never seen the attraction, personally. I mean, every female performer in a titty joint has been up close and personal with about ten other guys in the same night. How is that a turn-on? If someone’s so desperate to see a pair of naked breasts, I suggest they buy a copy of
Playboy
and save themselves $500.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m a 28-year-old virgin (ouch). I recently met a girl and we tried to make love—but I couldn’t finish. She accused me of indulging in solitary pleasures and wearing “the big chap” out. Is this possible? We tried again in the morning but my problems just got worse, and I couldn’t even achieve match fitness. What’s wrong with me?

Chris, Reading

This could just be nerves, Chris. Also, if you were drinking before your first attempt, that might have stopped you from reaching the fireworks ceremony. Then again, maybe you
are
“wearing the big chap out”—you don’t exactly seem to be denying it, do you? So my advice to you is calm down, don’t drink beforehand, and cut out the five-knuckle shuffles.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My husband—a builder—has always enjoyed it when I’m dominant in the bedroom, but the other day he asked me to call him a “good little girl” while we were making love. Should I be worried, or do all men have weird fantasies?

Jill, Huddersfield

Look, a lot of guys have strange things that get them going, but this one’s a bit of cause for alarm, don’t you think? I mean, if Sharon asked me to start calling her a “big bad boy” in the bedroom, I’d probably jump out the fucking window, screaming. Having said that, if you don’t mind saying it, and he enjoys hearing it, then good luck to you both. Just make sure to keep a close eye on your underwear drawer, ’cos my guess is that when you leave the house in the morning your mister probably becomes a missus…

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m in a serious relationship, but I’ve been thinking about going to one of those “rub’n’tug” massage parlours. Given that (a) my girlfriend will never know, (b) there’s no chance of picking up an STD, and (c) it doesn’t seem wrong, is there any reason I shouldn’t?

“Jacob,” Riverside, California

A handjob is a very personal thing, and after a lifetime of practise, most blokes get a pretty fucking specific preference for the kind of technique they like. So unless you’re acting as a co-pilot and barking out instructions to your dodgy masseuse every two seconds, it might end up feeling more like she’s skinning a dead rabbit than driving you wild with forbidden pleasure. In fact, it sounds to me like you’ve already built this up in your head to the point where it’s gonna be an expensive disappointment. You also ain’t factored in guilt. It’s all very well you telling Dr. Ozzy that “it doesn’t seem wrong” to hire an extra pair of hands to help out in the monkey-spanking department, but I’m afraid to say that if you’re anything like me, your conscience won’t agree.

IV: ROMANCE

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend bites my lip when we kiss. She thinks this is sexy, but actually it really hurts—it’s so bad now, I try to avoid making out. How can I tell her this without hurting her feelings and/or looking like a wimp who can’t take a bit of rough foreplay?

Giles, Fulham

Say to her: “If you’re hungry, I’ll get you a sandwich.” Seriously, you ain’t a wimp for not wanting to go to bed with Jaws every night. I’ve never understood people who get off on being in pain. I mean, life’s hard enough as it is, so why turn the simple pleasure of getting your end away into something that involves ballgags and piano wire? Try biting her back, and see how
she
likes it. (If it turns her on, you might have a problem.)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend hates all the television shows I watch, and when he criticises them (loudly and every night), it makes me feel like an idiot for wanting a bit of mindless distraction after a hard day at work. Does this mean I should break up with him?

Katy, Somerset

If couples broke up ’cos they didn’t like the same kind of telly, the divorce rate would quadruple overnight. Men and women’s brains are wired differently, so chances are, you ain’t gonna want to watch a documentary on Gulf War tanks, and he ain’t gonna want to watch some slurpy tear-jerker of a makeover show. You need to either take it in turns to watch your favourite shows; buy a second telly; or sit down, make a list of the stuff you both enjoy, and program the DVR accordingly. As for your boyfriend making you feel like an idiot—he probably just thinks he’s as entitled to relax with something he enjoys after a hard day at work as you are. And I’ve gotta admit, I’m guilty of the same thing. I’m always saying to Sharon, “You ain’t watching
that
fucking crap again, are you?!” Luckily there’s always
one
thing on we both like: the news.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As a 30-year-old devout religious Roman Catholic virgin, I am finally considering playing the field until I find that special someone in my life. Is this morally and socially acceptable in the modern world?

Ryan, County Armagh

I think it’s very admirable to hold out that long, ’cos it’s so rare these days. At the same time, I have to say if I hadn’t been laid by the time I was your age, I’d be asking myself, “What’s wrong?” I mean, I was 15 when I lost my virginity, and I was so randy, it felt like my underpants were about to explode. Another problem with holding out is that if you do finally marry someone, what happens if you discover that you don’t like making love to them? You don’t want to marry for lust, either—’cos you’ll spend more time washing the dishes with your other half than you will between the sheets. So my prescription for you is to have one bonk, three times a day, for two weeks. Doctor’s orders.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend and I are talking about marriage. She’s awesome, except for one thing: she gives the world’s worst head. I mean,
really bad.
Is this a good enough reason to move on and find another wife? A life of sub-par BJs seems like a life not worth living.

“Guy,” Colorado

Look, I know blowjobs are quite nice, but life’s not all about blowjobs. And there’s always a tradeoff—for men
and
women. You could dump this girl and end up with a fiancé who’s amazing at blowjobs but smells like a three-day-old fucking haddock. More important than that, Miss Fellatio USA might be a royal pain in the arse, never help around the house, and end up going down on your best mate while you’re away on a business trip. Why not think of something you’re girlfriend’s
good
at, and concentrate on that?

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I have a rather pushy, much older, single (unattractive) neighbour who has strongly hinted at us having a romantic relationship. I’m not interested in the slightest, but he’s not getting the message, and every time I pass him in the street he races up to me. He’s also started to become (inappropriately) touchy-feely. I don’t want to fall out with him—he’s my neighbour—but short of sprinting away when I see him, do I have any other option?

Katie (no address given)

It sounds to me like he’s the kind of guy who won’t give up no matter what you say, so if you’ve already tried the nice way, now’s the time to tell him, “Look, what part of fuck off don’t you understand?” I mean, no-one wants to fall out with their neighbour, but at the same time, you also don’t want to be creeping out of your own front door, and diving into the hedgerow if you see him coming. Why should
you
have to live like that, when you’re not the one with a problem? Make it clear: “There’s no chance, there never will be a chance, and if you touch me again I’ll take out a restraining order.”

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve just finished college and moved back in with my mum… but now I’ve developed feelings for her (younger) boyfriend, to the point where we flirt and hang out all the time. Should I come clean with my mom, or leave it alone? I didn’t mean for this to happen!

Katy, Oklahoma

You do realize that it’s every bloke’s fantasy to get a mother
and
her daughter into the sack, don’t you? Check out the internet if you don’t believe me. I mean, if this guy gets into your pants after humping your mum, he’s gonna be bragging about it for the rest of his life. If you’re okay with that, sleep with him. If you’d rather have true love, then you should come clean about what’s going on to your mum—and kick this creep out of the house.

DR. OZZY’S INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS

Rules of Romance

Guys: When trying to get your partner into the sack, avoid phrases like “meat thermometer,” “one-eyed yogurt slinger,” and “cheesy bratwurst.” At least until you’re married.

Girls: they say a home-cooked meal is the way to man’s heart. So are blowjobs, and they take a lot less time. You won’t need a Jamie Oliver cookbook, either.

Guys:
Always
pay. Or steal, and pretend you paid.
^*
Women: always
offer
to pay, even if you’d dump the guy in a heartbeat if he made you do it.

Both sexes: Make sure to buy little gifts for your partner at unexpected moments. That way, when you forget a birthday, you’ll get less of a bollocking.