Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (27 page)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My friend and I—both married men—have been reliving old times by going out drinking and chatting up women, but stopping before any actual infidelity takes place. We call them “dry runs,” because they give us the thrill of the chase without breaking any rules.

Is this wrong?

Michael, London

Playing with matches is a lot of fun, Michael, but at some point your wig’s gonna catch fire. There’s just no way this can end well for you. One night you’ll have too many drinks, you’ll do a “dry run” on a woman whose beautiful and single, she’ll make the first move, and before you know it, you’ll be signing your divorce papers. You’re creating temptation for yourself, which means trouble is only two steps behind. Get a lapdance if you’re desperate for a quick thrill, or better yet, take the missus away for a dirty weekend.

DR. OZZY’S INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES

If You Think
Human
Sex Is Weird…

When a male bee, or drone, gets lucky, his balls literally
fall off
inside the virgin queen. This stops her getting knocked up by anyone else. It also hurts.

If you think human blokes have it bad, spare a thought for male giraffes. For starters, sex is limited to a two-week period every
year
(the only time females are up for it). And it ain’t exactly much to look forward to, anyway: before any action takes places, the female has to make absolutely sure that her mate is “Mr Right.” She does this by pissing on his face.

Female hyenas don’t just wear the trousers in their relationships—they even get boners. That’s ’cos they have a “pseudopenis,” which is basically a
massive
clitoris. I bet they have hairy armpits, too.

Male bedbugs have gotta be the biggest bastards out there in the sex department. Instead of courting the female, or even bothering to give her a cuddle and feel her up a bit, he just stabs her in the chest with his spiky dick. Biologists have a term for it: “traumatic insemination.” It’s just fucking lazy, if you ask me.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have an annoying habit of popping the champagne cork before the party gets under way. I’ve tried slowing down, and/or mentally re-tiling the kitchen to take my mind off things during the process, but no luck, alas. Any advice gratefully received.

Jezz, Hertfordshire

Is this code for something? This is
Dr. Ozzy
you’re writing to, not the Archbishop of fucking Canterbury, so for God’s sake spit it out, man. If you mean what I think you mean, why not just get on with it quicker? It’ll give you and the missus more time to do the garden.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have just turned 68 and have the opposite problem to your premature “cork popper” the other week. It doesn’t matter how racy my thoughts—say, Jennifer Aniston in a maid’s outfit—I still end up pumping away when the missus is ready for a cigarette.

What can I do?

Dave, Wales

They have a word for this: “Anorgasmia.” There’s also another term, and it’s called “being 68 years old.” Unfortunately, as blokes get on a bit,
everything
to do with sex becomes difficult. If it’s any consolation, the most exciting thing that happens in my bedroom most nights is an episode of
Law & Order
. Having said that, you should get your prostate checked out, and also ask your doctor about the side-effects of any drugs you’re taking. Of course, you could also just be bored. Try thinking about Courteney Cox instead.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have an embarrassing fetish (it’s surprisingly common). I want my girlfriend to put me in a diaper and treat me like a big baby. My girlfriend and I are compatible in every way, but I’m terrified to ask her about this. What would you do?

Anonymous, USA

This one’s a bit far-out even for Dr. Ozzy. I mean, there’s plenty of time later in life to wear adult nappies, so why speed it up? Having said that, I had the opposite problem to you in my drinking days: Sharon was always
telling
me to wear nappies, ’cos I used to piss in the bed so often. I also used to shit my pants on a fairly regular basis, which ain’t very fucking nice. I suppose if you start doing the same thing, your girlfriend might make the same suggestion, saving you the whole “I want to be a big baby” conversation.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m 29 years old and have become increasingly dependant on seriously hardcore porn to get turned on. Is this going to ruin my performance with real women?

Anonymous, USA

No. Women didn’t stop getting knocked up when the internet was invented—although maybe their husbands don’t pester them for sex as much, ’cos now they’ve got online filth on demand, 24 hours a day. The trouble is, even the XXX stuff gets boring very quickly: it’s not like there’s ever a surprise fucking ending. The trick is to ration your exposure, not try and find stronger and stronger stuff. If it ever gets to the point where there’s crapping or donkeys involved, trust me, you’ve gone too far. Otherwise stop worrying.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve just returned from a bachelor party in Las Vegas. Being married with kids, however, I’m concerned that the stripper with whom I, er, “relaxed” in a private booth might have given me oral herpes—we didn’t do anything improper, although she did feed me strawberries and cream, mouth to mouth. Any words of wisdom?

Brian, Warrington

Forget oral herpes, Brian, it sounds to me like you’ve come down with a classic case of married man’s guilt. That’s the problem with strippers: they don’t just take your dough, they also make you feel like the worst husband in the world the next morning. And if you think strippers are bad, by the way, try
groupies
: I used to get so out of my mind with guilt, I’d be down the doctor’s office every day of the week, thinking I had some new disease. Then I’d finally break down, tell Sharon everything, and I’d get a houseplant over the back of my head, which meant another visit to the doctor’s. As for the good old herpes: your GP will give you a test to see if you’ve got it, but the virus can lie dormant for years, so there’d be no telling if it was from the stripper or, say, an unwashed glass you picked up in a pub. I used to get outbreaks myself when I was stressed out or tired, but I haven’t had any for years. One thing I wouldn’t recommend is confessing to your missus. Believe me, it’ll only make your life worse.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Out of the blue, my husband has suggested bringing another woman into our bedroom, to liven things a bit up after twenty years of marriage. I’m not keen. What do you think?

Susan, Dundee

Sounds fair enough to me—as long as what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If your husband gets to bring Debbie from accounts to bed, then you should be able to bring along Dave from marketing. But that raises the obvious fucking question: if you both want to sleep with other people in your own home, what are you still doing together?

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve noticed that I can’t last as long in bed with my girlfriend as I could when we first started going out with each other three months ago. Now I’m worried that if I don’t fix this, she might leave me for someone who can fully please her. Any advice?

Ethan [no address given]

Send her to me! Seriously though, Ethan, this kind of thing is a big problem when you’re a rock star. I remember one time when me and the guys from Black Sabbath were staying at a Holiday Inn in America,
three
groupies came to my room—one after the other. You’d have to be superhuman not to run out of steam during a session like that, especially after number two (and it’s not like there was any Viagra around in those days). Fortunately I was a young man, so I activated the Special Reserve Tank and finished the job. But you’ve gotta bear in mind: that was just
one
wild night, which ain’t exactly the same as a long-term relationship. When it goes to a steady girlfriend, it’s natural that things simmer down a bit over time. Wait until you’re married: you’ll be in and out within five minutes while your missus is still doing the crossword.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A friend recently showed me some photos on his mobile of him boning a very hot girl. The problem is, the girl is a good friend of mine. Should I tell her what he’s doing, or keep my mouth shut? I guess what I’m asking is, are you a “bros before hos” kinda guy?

Sean, New York

Send me the pictures and I’ll decide. Seriously, though, this ain’t a question of some bullshit code of male honor. If she’s a friend, and you want her to stay your friend—tell her. Simple as that.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m 54 years old and sex mad. Does the lust ever fade?

Pete, Fife

If you’re a red-blooded man, I firmly believe that the only time you’ll ever get any peace from down below is when you’re in the ground. Until then, the second brain below your waist is gonna be making its own decisions, whether you like it or not. I mean, I’m almost 62 years old, and I still love a good old game of “Where’s the Salami?” Getting anyone to play it with me is another matter entirely. Luckily, as you get older, your memory goes, so if you see a sexy woman and start to feel randy, you can’t remember what it was you were excited about five minutes later. That makes things a lot easier.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What’s the nicest way to let a girl know she smells bad, especially, uh, y’know…“down there”?

Ron, Indiana