The Wedding Runaway (28 page)

Pain washed through her. As desperate as he claimed to be
,
he still did not want her. She turned to flee the room
,
to run from the sense that she would never be woman enough to tempt a man. Every childhood jab about her unusual height
,
her lack of female form did not hurt so much as his refusal.

Before she could round the bed
,
he grabbed her around the waist and yanked her back. He slid one arm down across her hips and pulled her against his hardness. His male member jutted against her backside
,
nestling firmly in the crevice between her curves. She could feel his shudder as he touched his lips to her shoulder.

He spoke
,
his lips so near to her ear that his breath tickled.
"
Make no mistake. I want you more than I can stand
,
but I cannot take advantage of you under these circumstances.
"

In an odd way he offered physical proof that he did not find her repulsive
,
that his body craved hers. But she did not want him to think for her
,
to make decisions because he did not believe her capable of making a good choice.
"
What circumstances are an impediment?
"

He breathed out hard. He flattened his hand against her stomach and slowly shifted it up to her lowest rib.
"
You are injured.
"
Her next rib.
"
You sensibilities are impaired by the laudanum you have been given this day.
"
He reached just under her breast and paused.
"
You are under my protection and I have given my word that I will not assault your virtue.
"

His hand closed around her breast and liquid pleasure poured through her. She could feel his member throb against her as he circled her breast with his fingertips. She leaned her head back as he kissed her neck
,
just below her ear. His slow circles grew tighter and tighter until he gently rolled her beaded nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

Jolt after jolt of pleasure rippled through her and a gasp left her lips.

He pushed her away.
"
That is how I feel around you.
"

She blinked, feeling bemused. He expected her to take pleasure in this act? And if he felt that much intensity of pleasure
,
then why would he ever stop?

"
But I would hate myself for ruining you.
"

She turned and studied him. His chest heaved and his dark eyes were glittering with desire. He would deny himself pleasure because of guilt?
"
Don
'
t you think it is time you forgave yourself?
"

"
You do not understand.
"

"
No
,
I don
'
t.
"

He walked back to the writing desk. He picked up a glass paperweight and looked through it.
"
There are rumors that I killed my wife.
"

Lydia folded her arms.
"
But you did not.
"

He looked up at her
,
his expression stark.
"
Not in deed
,
but by my demands
,
I forced her to choose death. She ran back inside the fire
,
after I had pulled her out once. That is the kind of influence I have over people. I destroy people
,
just as my father did before me. I do not wish to destroy you.
"

~*~

Helena stared out her bedroom window into the darkness. The clouds blocked any light. Only the futile globes from the gas lamps ineffectively protested the stormy night shroud. Holding her kitten against her chest
,
she stroked Sparks
'
fur
,
while relishing his tiny heartbeat against her palm.

What had she done?

The evening contained a jumble of shocks
,
and she could not sleep. The physician had not come for her father
,
as she feared
,
but because her mother had fainted and could not be roused right away.

Helena had sat on the edge of her seat in the drawing room
,
waiting for the physician
'
s diagnosis and waiting for her father to comment on her wet hair or muddy hem. Her stomach stormed with terror and a lingering tension left from her encounter with Trevor. Instead, their butler brought her a shawl.

They waited while Helena feared her mother had discovered her absence and that had triggered her mother
'
s sudden illness. Although as Helena sat waiting
,
it occurred to her that her mother had been overly tired lately.

She was such a horrible daughter. She had put her mother
'
s exhaustion down to the burden of caring for her father and never given it another thought. Other than minding the minimal tasks of correspondence and minor household emergencies
,
she had not eased her mother
'
s burdens.

After a long spell
,
the physician was finally ushered into the drawing room. Helena jumped to her feet as he crossed to the chaise longue to speak with her father.

"
Is she all right?
"
she had asked before the physician could utter a word.

"
May I offer my congratulations
,
my lord. You wife is with child.
"

Helena sat down hard. It had been nineteen years since her mother had last given birth. How could she be with child?

"
Are you quite positive?
"
asked her father.

"
I did do a thorough examination. With women of a certain age
,
we do not want to mistake her condition. I am quite sure she is with child. She should feel the quickening soon.
"

Her father nodded.

Helena was not sure what he meant by a quickening. After this afternoon
,
she knew she was too ignorant of the functioning of the female body or the male body and exactly how procreation took place.

The physician continued to speak.
"
She is a bit hysterical. I could give her medicine to calm her down
,
but it would be better if she applied more natural methods
,
given her delicate condition. And it is essential that she eat properly.
"

Helena sprang out of her chair.
"
I shall take care of her.
"

When she entered her mother
'
s bedroom
,
her mother lay propped up in her bed while tears streamed down her face. Seeing her strong indomitable mother in tears tore at Helena. She rushed forward and took her mother
'
s hands.
"
Do not cry
,
Mama
,
everything shall be all right.
"

"
I cannot believe this. I am too
old
to have a baby.
"

"
The physician seemed sure of it. He said he examined you.
"

"
I thought my menses had stopped because of the change. Oh
,
I cannot believe this.
"
Her mother
'
s voice ended on a wail.
"
It was so very personal
,
his examination. I have never allowed any man to look at me or touch me so.
"

"
Mama
,
you must calm down.
"
Helena swallowed back her own panic at seeing her mother
'
s anguish.
"
I am sure this cannot be good for you or the baby.
"

She smiled brightly at her mother and squeezed her hands.

Lady Caine shook her head.
"
Even if I can carry this child
,
it will be another girl
,
or a simpleton. I cannot believe...I thought it would raise your father
'
s spirits to...with his health he could not get out to visit his mistress.
"

Her mother froze and stared at Helena. She blanched white
,
which was how Helena felt.

"
Oh, my God
,
I cannot believe I spoke so to you. What is wrong with me?
"

"
Mama
,
you are just overset. Please
,
do not fret. I am not an infant. You may trust me in your confidences. I hardly think it shall harm me to know of these things
,
since I shall be a married woman before too much longer.
"
Helena suppressed her frown. Either that or she should be an old maid.

"W
e cannot allow this to interfere in your season. You must marry soon. Lord
,
how shall we ever manage to dower another girl? We have almost nothing left for you.
"

"
Yes
,
Mama
,
I will take care of everything. Do not worry about me. I am sure that if I set my mind to it
,
I can bring Wedmont up to scratch.
"

"
Yes
,
yes
,
you must. I cannot believe this has happened. If I cannot escort you to events
,
what we will do?
"
Her mother seemed to working into a panic again.

"
Mama
,
you must trust me to see to my season. If you cannot chaperone me
,
I shall enlist the aid of one of my sisters.
"
Helena winced thinking of the embarrassment of answering to one of her younger siblings.
"
The important thing for you to do is take care of yourself. I shall do everything I can to help you deliver a healthy brother or sister.
"

"
I should be helping you with a pregnancy. This is so wrong.
"

"
Yes
,
well, I should have to marry first
,
and perhaps this was meant to be. Surely
,
God has planned it this way.
"

Her mother looked at her sharply.
"
Why are your clothes damp
,
Helena?
"

"
Ah, well
,
the physician seemed to take such a very long time
,
and I walked a little in the rain.
"
The distortion of the truth rolled off her tongue with ease. But the last thing Helena could risk was upsetting her mother further. Her mother would be very distressed to know she had been out alone with plain Mr. Hamilton and indulging in sins of the flesh.

Helena had not allowed herself to think of what had happened between them. She could not allow it to happen again.
"
Now
,
do you feel well enough to come down for dinner
,
or shall I have cook prepare a tray?
"

 Recollections of the strained evening rolled through her thoughts as she stared out into the silent night. Then there had been that moment when Trevor went down on one knee in the street. Her view of the physician
'
s carriage and that he was entering her home had nearly stopped her heart. Her one moment of passion
,
her first real proposal shattered by fear for her father
,
who apparently kept a mistress.

Even at that
,
she nearly had to shame Trevor into declaring himself. Yet
,
his kisses meant something
,
did they not? His near loss of control said she was not a total failure at provoking physical passion
,
at least.

Helena rubbed her cheek against Sparks
'
silky orange and amber fur. He blinked at her sleepily as if he did not understand why they were not long abed.
"
I did not even ask after his sister
,
Sparks. Am I not a selfish beast?
"

Leading Trevor on with kisses and yearning to hear him declare himself
,
although she had known she could not accept his suit
,
was unforgivable.

She should apologize. She should not see him again. She should forget how he made her feel
,
liquid and tense
,
awake and aware as if she had woken from a long slumber. Only his light-hearted offer to fix the strange way she felt kept spinning in her head.

Chapter Twelve

Not-Leonard seemed unimpressed with Victor
'
s warning that he would destroy her. Her head tilted to the side
;
she looked skeptical.

"
I
'
m hungry
,"
she announced, as if their conversation had little merit. As if he hadn
'
t just told her his darkest secret and his deepest fears about himself. As if they weren
'
t dealing with his barely restrained desire.

She amused him mightily.
"
Ah
,
pet
,
so am I
,
but then I presume you are talking of food.
"

She crinkled her nose and looked absolutely adorable.
"
I am a bit thirsty too.
"

He grinned. Her lack of concern about his ability to destroy people he cared about
,
put him in his place. He crossed behind her into his room and tugged the bell pull.

"
Oh
,
you summoned a servant? Couldn
'
t we just sneak down to the larder?
"
She sounded dismayed.
"
Surely
,
your staff are all still fast asleep.
"