The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (38 page)

Nicole, in a rare non-sarcastic moment continues with, “Chrissy, I got the feeling he knows exactly what’s going on, and he’s just waiting for you to deal with the reality of the situation.”

Covering my ears…“Don’t say it, Nic…I don’t wanna hear it.”

“Sorry, Sweetie, but it’s starting to look like the reality of the situation is that you slept with Kurt and…he could quite possibly be the father of your child.”

I shift my focus to my problem-solving friend, hoping for some answers.

“Courtney?”

“It’s a possibility that only you can rule out.  Just talk to him, okay?  He’s changed.  You might even-”

Knowing exactly where my old friend is going with this conversation I cut her off.

“Hold it right there, Sister.  I didn’t spend all of those years learning how to let him go to end up with him again.”

My friends nod their heads in acceptance of what I just said, but I can still see the hope in their eyes.

Stubborn

January, 2003

“But is that what
you
believe to be true?”

I haven’t been to the cemetery much lately, been too busy with life to hang around dead people. Kids can really fill up a schedule like that.   But after the malotoff cocktail of confusion that Courtney and Nicole dropped on me, I had to make the time and get some smart and unbiased advice…from a dead person.  Because you know how much that makes sense.

“No.  But I believe in leprechauns, so you could say my belief system is a little out of whack.”

“Chrissy, c’mon, you have to have some kind of awareness about this.  I know you’re not
that
stupid.”

“Fine.  Here’s what I believe.  I don’t care if I had twenty beer bongs shoved down my throat, I would NEVER cheat on Leo.  I told you before, he’s it for me, and I meant it.  And Kurt’s NOT the type of guy to take advantage of a girl who’s drunk.  He’s been an emotionally detached son-of-a-bitch more times than I can remember, but when it comes to sex…he’s
always
been a gentleman.  I can make sense out of that much, Kel.  What doesn’t make sense to me is why Kurt won’t talk to me about this.”

“I think the bigger question is why won’t
you
talk to
him
about this?”

“I can’t.”

“Why the heck not?”

“He’ll get too much satisfaction out of it.”

“Oh, please!”

“I’m serious!”  Holding up my fingers, “Do you realize I came just this close to having everything I ever wanted?”

“I do.”

“And don’t you think he’s just a smidge happy that I can’t have those things because of my lousy decision to spend the night at his house?”

“I don’t…”

HUH?

“…I honestly believe Kurt wants you to be happy.”

“You don’t think he hates Leo?”

“I absolutely think he hates Leo.  Jesus, he cold-cocked him at my husband’s funeral.  I’d say there’s a little bit of anger there.  But, I also think it’s a completely normal reaction to have toward the guy your wife cheated on you with.”

“That’s kinda harsh.”

“Uhhhh, it’s kinda true!”

Stupid ass voice of reason.

“But, even though he hates him, he’s not the type of guy to do something vindictive, like make you think you slept with him, just to mess up your life.  That’s not how Kurt’s wired.”

Maybe not so stupid ass after all.

“It’s more like how
you’re
wired, but let’s stay on point.” 

Nodding in reluctant agreement, I roll my hand in the air at her to continue.

“There’s another thing I honestly believe, Chrissy”

“What’s that?”

“I honestly believe Kurt took your words to heart when you divorced and he completely agrees the two of you aren’t right for each other.”

“I thought he did, but-”

“Chrissy, did you ever think he might be staying away so that he can finally go after a little bit of happiness himself?  I mean, that huge engagement ring of yours sure showed him you had moved on.  Maybe the punches he threw at the funeral were all that he needed to leave the past behind.  Maybe the drinks he offered you on your birthday were just nice gestures because he saw how lonely you were.  Kurt’s a lot of things, but he’s not desperate and he’s not a pig.”

“You don’t think I slept with him?”

“Nope.  Not even if you jumped on him naked.  So can you just do yourself
and
your baby a favor and stop being so damn stubborn?  Clear this up with Kurt so that everyone can get on with their lives.”

The funny thing is, they’re the same words Megan said to me when I got back to the office this afternoon.  I found her sitting at her desk, buried under mounds of charity clothing with no easy way to escape, so I pounced on her and asked why she’s been so weird about the pregnancy.

“I dunno, Chrissy.”  Pointing at my stomach, “There’s a baby in there and lives that people are ready to get on with.  If you could just ask Kurt the damn question, everyone might be able to finally have some happiness.”  She pauses before she says, “You might even be able to…”

“I might be able to what?”

“Never mind.  I’m staying out of this.”

“
Staying out of what
?  Megan, why are you being so damn secretive lately?”

“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DAMN STUBBORN LATELY?”

Expecting me to unleash five months of pregnant hormones on her, Megan winces as she anticipates my reaction.  Instead, I apologize.

“You know what?  You’re right and I’m sorry.  I let the mystery of the night at Kurt’s house get the best of me…and then Leo broke up with me for reasons almost completely unrelated to waking up in Kurt’s bed…and then I found out I was pregnant and…everything has just spiraled out of control.  It’s like my affair all over again, and I don’t know how to put an end to it without someone getting hurt.”

“Chrissy, what’s the worst that can come out of this if all you did was pass out in Kurt’s bed?”

“You mean, what’s the worst that can come out of this…if I’m having Leo’s baby?”

“Yes.”

Slumping down in the chair, “I’ll be forcing him to be a part of my life…a life that I still have to share with Kurt because of Kendall.  He begged me to cut him loose of it, Megan, and it’s been five months since I gave him what he wanted. 
Has he called?
  No. 
Has he written?
  No.  He got what he wanted.  I have no right to mess things up for him again.”

“Would you listen to yourself?  You’re probably the mother of his child!  Don’t you think he’d want to know that?  Geez, Chrissy,
don’t you think he deserves to know that?”

“Megan, it’s more complicated than that.”

“It sure is.  You’re more than half way done with a pregnancy you could’ve been sharing with him the entire time. Chrissy, he’s had five months to get on with a life that will never be half as good as it could be if you’d stop being so damn stubborn.  Just pick up the phone, ask Kurt the stupid question, and get the answer you need so that we can all get on with our damn lives.”

Heart of Hearts

February, 2003

January came and went with not much more to show for it than Kendall’s fifth birthday party which, I purposely didn’t invite the gang or my yoga friends to.  It was a completely immature and destructive decision that required trace amounts of exaggeration and fibbing to pull off, and it came as a result of a rapid mood change that I’m sure will come back to bite me in the ass. Yep, it seems like no matter how many times I watch Kelly’s last video, I’ll forever be stuck at age four.

Aside from the fact that I was in a room full of dinosaur-sized blow up slides and jumpy houses that smelled like barf with people from Kendall’s pre-school who I’ve never invested more than five minutes of my time with…the party was a success.  The gang wasn’t there to fill my head with beliefs that Kurt’s the father of my child and my yoga team wasn’t there to convince me otherwise.

After the earful Megan gave me at the studio last month, I thought long and hard about reaching out to Leo.  In my heart of hearts, I just know this is our baby, and I’ve already lost so much precious time not sharing the experience with him.  I’ve endured the morning sickness alone.  Other than that first disastrous doctor’s appointment with Slutty Co-worker, I’ve attended all others alone.  I told Kendall the exciting news alone.  The baby’s room sits void of furniture, because I can’t bear the thought of decorating it alone.  And because Megan just left with Kendall to drop her at Kurt’s for the weekend, I’m all alone for the next two days.

Before Megan left with her, she turned to me and asked, “Did you make the call yet?”  Even though I’ve thought long and hard about reaching out to Leo, all I could do was shake my head “No.”  I still can’t find the right words to explain myself to her…or him.

Once they were gone, I got busy cleaning up the house.  I love my new kid with all of my heart, but I love a clean house too, and it seems like the only two days I have one is when she’s gone.  Makes me feel bad for criticizing Nicole and Courtney all of those years for living like pigs once they became mothers.  I had no idea how time consuming it was to just keep up with laundry, let alone clean a toilet or empty the dishwasher!  Just another taksie-backsie from my pre-mom days.   After tripping over one of Kendall’s recent birthday presents, I gather up as many of them as I can and resignedly walk to her room to drop them, feeling like it’ll be me…doing stuff like this…alone…for the rest of my life.  One toy bounces under the bed and I laboriously get on my knees to search for it.  When I reach underneath to retrieve it, I grab two.

“What’s this?”

Decorated with glitter and scented marker is a small box with the words,
‘For Weo,’
written on top.

“Oh, sweetie…What have you done?”

Carefully peeling off the seventy-thousand pieces of tape so as not to expose my invasion of her privacy, I open the box and find the night vision goggles for snipe hunting that Leo had given her a year ago.

“I’m so sorry I did this to you, Kendall.”

Lifting my heavier-than-it’s-ever-been body from the ground, I carry the box to the living room and place it on the coffee table.  I put on some mellow music, light a fire, settle into my old wicker couch, and begin to collect my thoughts the only way I know how…with a list.  After an hour or so of reflection, I conclude that, just like with my affair, there are only three possible outcomes to this latest nightmare I’ve created.

1)  If I tell Leo I’m pregnant now, he’ll wonder why I waited so long and I’ll have to tell him the truth that I wasn’t sure if it was his...exposing that I might’ve cheated on him.

2)  Leo asked, no wait…he begged me to cut him loose.  He wants absolutely nothing to do with Kurt.  But with Kendall, comes Kurt.  If I’m having his baby, I’ll be forcing him to live a life he outright told me he did not want to live.

3)  Being adopted and wanting nothing more in the world than his own biological child, Leo will know I contemplated stripping him of that joy and NEVER forgive me.

4)  Leo will swoop me up in his arms and tell me he’s been in hell every day since I left New York.  He won’t ask me any questions about the last five months, and he won’t care about anything other than the fact that we’re together again and we’re starting a family.  I know…I know… THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN!  That’s why I said there are only three possible outcomes to this nightmare.

The thing I feared the most when I was having an affair with Leo was that he would hate me if he found out I was married.   Looking down at my newest list...one thing is glaringly obvious and I slump back into the couch.  All realistic outcomes to this latest nightmare point to the exact same thing…hate.

“But hold on a minute.”

Leo
didn’t
hate me after he found out I was married.  In fact, he said he was relieved to finally know the truth and had I told him any earlier, he might not have been in love with me enough to handle it.  Sitting back up, my mind starts to race.  I don’t think Leo would’ve have been able to handle the news of the pregnancy right after the fall out of waking up in Kurt’s bed; he was still too angry.  But now that he’s had time to cool off…maybe…

Then I immediately get deflated when I think back to his college graduation night.  What ultimately led to our demise before was that I dragged my feet on the divorce.  And I’ve done just that again with news of this pregnancy.  See?  Outcome bad.  And then I slump back into the couch.

Dammit though. Something’s gotta give, because I’m really, really starting to feel the heat from all directions to get to the bottom of this.  Everyone wants answers…except, of course, the two guys who might be the father.  Maybe the pressure of pleasing everyone around me is stronger than I thought and I’m going back to my old pleasy pleaserson days.  Maybe I’m torn about which crew to make happy and it’s clouding my judgment. 
What would Dr. Maria say
?  Duh, she’d tell me to follow my heart.  And, you know what?  Since I have two of them for the time being….I should really listen.

Twisting my Banana Republic ring, I ask myself, “What do
you
want Chrissy?” 

Blocking out everyone’s opinion about what I should do, I pick up another piece of paper and get busy crafting another list…and this one makes me smile.

I let you go

And I watch you leave

And I hold my breath

So you don't hear me scream

…But the words are only in my head

It's not what I said

It's what I didn't say

(What I didn’t say, Saving Jane)

Disoriented