The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (41 page)

“I’m sorry, Barbara.  You must think I’m truly…”  Thinking about the new pack I’m going to become the leader of, “…pathetic.”

“Not at all.  What’s going on with you is very sad.  But, I just don’t think it has to be that way.” Pulling my chin up with her index finger so that I’m looking into her eyes, “Things can still work out the way you want them to.”

“I could ruin his life…”

“Or you can make it better than he ever thought possible.”

“That’s a pretty wide range of possibilities.”

“At least both of them will result in some kind of resolution.” Pointing at the pack of bitching Francesca’s walking by, “At least you won’t be stuck in limbo-land like them.  Take it from me, limbo-land will suck your life away.  Make a choice to do
something
Chrissy, but don’t do nothing.  No good will come from it.”

The difference between doing something and doing nothing is everything.
  It’s what Kelly gave me credit for showing her during my divorce, and it’s why she made those videos for Kendall.

 “You can’t get the past six months back…but you can change for the better what the next six will look like.  All you have to do is pick up the phone and call him.”

“What about L?”

“L?”

“The girl he’s with.”

“Ahhhhh.  Well, he might choose her, and if he does we’ll all be here for you.  But Chrissy, he deserves to be the one to make the choice. Take it from someone who didn’t have the choice when it came to losing her family…stop this nonsense and give him the option to choose a life that’s best for him.”

Standing to hug Barbara and thank her for the tough love, I ask her how she knew I was at the reservoir.

“I didn’t.  I’m in one of the packs of the older Francesca’s.  You know, the ones who seem pretty content with life…or they’re glad it’s almost over.  We meet here every other day to make fun of all the young girls who take life way too seriously.”

“Girls like me?”

“Pretty much.”

Both laughing a little now, she takes my hand and asks, “Are you ready to make the call?”

“Yes.”

Answers

March, 2003

“What are we gonna name him?”

“How do you know it’s a boy?”

Grabbing her magic wand, Kendall waves it in a circle and then taps my belly.

“Presto!  It’s a boy!”

“Well I guess that takes care of that!  What do you think we should name him?”

“Weo.”

Give me a bleeping break. 
Seriously?

“Sweetheart, why do you wanna name the baby Leo?”

“So he’ll pway snipes with me.”

Silently praying to Jesus, who I wish I started believing in a long time ago so that my prayers weren’t in vain, to pull some strings and make it so Kendall can play snipes with the real deal again one day, I kiss her on the forehead and turn out her light. 

On the way to make the call I promised Barbara I would make, I enter the baby’s room and sit for a long while in the rocking chair to think over everything I need to say to him.

“Am I doing the right thing, Kelly?”

Silence.

“Your dreams were right, by the way.  Every single thing you said to me for the last year and a half has been dead on.  Oops, sorry…I mean, accurate.  Anyway, the pregnancy, the needing to make a choice or one would be made for me…you were right about everything.”

Silence.

“What would you do if you were me?  Would you tell Leo you were pregnant or would you live with this secret?”

Silence.

“I know, I know…you’d tell him.  But you know why it scares me to do that, right?”

Silence.

“A lot of help you are.”

Before leaving the room, I open the dresser drawer to admire the baby clothes that the girls bought…Actually, I’m procrastinating.  Sifting through the piles, I stumble on a roll of masking tape and a bottle of glue probably left behind when they were decorating the room.  Looking up toward the Heavens...
or were they?
  I think back to the one and only conversation Kelly and I had on her porch where she lambasted me for always trying to “fix my broken package.”

“Kel…are you telling me to stop fixing things or are you telling me to start again?”

Silence.

“C’mon, I need to know! What am I supposed to do?”

Silence.

Just then the phone rings and I quickly wobble to the kitchen to answer it before it wakes Kendall.  The whole way mumbling at Kelly.

“Hello?”

“Will you accept a collect call from Kathmandu, Nepal?”

“
Uhhhh, sure
.  I can’t afford my freaking mortgage payment and I have a baby on the way who I probably can’t afford to feed, but…what the hell.”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind…I’ll take the call.”

“Just a moment while I connect you.”

The line is silent for about ten seconds and then all of a sudden it gets incredibly muffled and I hear a faint clatter on the other end of the line.

“
Hello
?  Megan?  Are you okay?”

“Not…Meg…Kur…I have to…you.”

“Kurt?  Is that you?”

“Ye…Me.”

“I can barely hear you.  Is everyone all right?”

“Good…here.  Chri...we have…talk…the baby.”

For so long I didn’t want to know the truth about that fateful night at Kurt’s house, fearing it might reveal I betrayed Leo.  Then recently, I convinced myself there’s no way I ever could’ve of.  Like I told my friends, Kurt would never take advantage of me drunk, and like I told Dr. Maria just five hours ago, I know my baby is Leo’s.  But why is Kurt calling me after not talking to me for months?  I look up toward the Heavens and wonder if this is Kelly doing a little gluing and taping on my behalf.

“What about the baby? Kurt!  What about the baby?”

“You need…know.”

“I need to know what? 
Kurt, what are you trying to tell me?”

“It’s…mine.  I’m sorry…told…sooner.”

And then the line went dead.

I stand there for a moment, in total shock.

“Omigod…he thinks it’s his.” And then feeling my breath slip away, “Oh…my…God.  I slept with both of them.”

Immediately, everything in my line of vision becomes blurry.  I frantically reach down to the receiver to start dialing Slutty’s number and that’s when a huge fart explodes out of my ass.  Trying to support myself on the countertop, I know
exactly
what’s about to happen next.

Mommy

March, 2003

I fainted at hearing the news that I was back at square one with my nightmare, not knowing who the hell knocked me up, and came to just as Slutty Co-worker was putting the key I had given her months ago in the door.  Apparently, I successfully dialed her cell phone just before hitting the ground.  Luckily, she was close by at the studio and drove straight over out of concern for not hearing my voice on the other end of the line.  Not needing to be convinced by her, I instantly agreed to a trip to the hospital to get checked out while my Lamaze class lesbian lover/other mother of my illegitimate child, spent the night with Kendall who fortunately slept through the whole ordeal.

After an anxiety-riddled five hours of getting poked and prodded and being asked
a thousand times
if I wanted to call my husband, the evening ended with me finally dozing off to the healthy sound of my baby’s heartbeat over the monitor.

“I know it’s not what you wanted.”

“It’s just so damn frustrating!  We
always
ask for ranch dressing, but they bring us this blue cheese crap every single time!”

Looking around for the waiter, I’m surprised to see that Chili’s is completely empty.  It’s just Kelly and me.

“I’m talking about the baby.”

“Oh, Lord…here you go again with that.”

“Look down, you big dummy.”

It’s like all of a sudden I’m magically seven months pregnant.

“Whoa, where’d that come from?”

“That’s what everyone wants to know.”

“Can
you
tell me?”

“I could, but that would put an end to all of the fun I’m having.”

For once I don’t deliver the humor back to her.  I’m scared.

“Is everything gonna be okay, Kelly?”

“Your baby is fine…beautiful actually.  Has the most stunning eyes and brilliant smile I’ve ever seen.”

Cynically speaking, “Thanks for narrowing down where it came from, Kel.”

All of a sudden, my voice of reason becomes quietly reflective.

“Speaking of beautiful…I should go now.”

“No, please don’t.  This is the best talk we’ve had in a long time.”

“No, no.  She comes first.  She needs you.”

“Who needs me?”

“Ki-Ki…Wake up Ki-Ki.”

Squeezing my hand tightly, her sweet voice whispers worriedly.

“Mommy…wake up.  Can you hear me?”

I open my eyes to find Kendall and Slutty Co-worker standing by my side.  Instinctively, I pull my daughter onto the hospital bed and hug her with all of my might, telling her over and over again how much I love her, that our family is healthy, and I’m sorry if I scared her.  Initially, the news that Kurt delivered to me sent me into a shit-storm of panic, but falling asleep to my baby’s heartbeat and now feeling Kendall’s as I embrace her, I’m experiencing the kind of calm I’ve been searching so long for.  And, I’m determined to hang onto it.

After being discharged from the hospital, the three of us return home, where I promptly put a movie on for Kendall, make a fresh pot of tea, and tell Slutty Co-worker
exactly
what Kurt told me.

“Hunny, after what you just told me, I think I’m gonna need something stronger than tea.” Pointing at my gut, “It’s anyone’s guess what the fuck you’ve got going on in there!”

“
Shhhhh
with the swearing! Kendall’s in the other room!”

When I left the hospital, I promised myself I’d hold it together.  I didn’t want to do anything else to upset “whatever I’ve got going on” in my belly, or Kendall.  But as I’m pouring my friend a scotch and myself a cup of tea, I can’t hold back my tears.

“It’s official. I’ve become the woman I never wanted to be.”

Lovingly placing her arms around me, “Francesca?”

“Yep.”

“But you’re not married to Kurt anymore.”

“If this is his, it almost makes things worse that I’m not married to him.  It won’t be like how it is with Kendall.   I’ll have to share custody of this child.  He’ll have a say in everything.  Worse, I
won’t
have a say in everything.  This kid will be on a dirt bike by the time it’s three-years-old and there won’t be a damn thing I can do about it, because fifty percent of the time I won’t even be around.”

“And now you know why unhappily married folks stay together…for the damn kids.”

“And I knew that.  It’s why I was so proud of myself to have left the marriage
before
I dragged kids into the picture.  For a while it even felt like I could be the poster-girl for how to deal with broken dreams and still live a fantastic life.  But now?”

“Chrissy, you’re not a failure.”

“Right.  I’m so much worse than that.”

After slamming her scotch in one gulp, she reaches for the bottle and asks, “So, what’s the plan, doll?  What are we gonna do about this?”

“Well, I explained my mortifying situation to the doctor last night, and he recommended a paternity test right after the baby is born.”

“Why not now?”

“Kurt’s not back yet.”

“You can call someone else, you know.”

“See how calm I am right now?”

“Yes, and it’s kinda freaking me out.”

“Well, I’m trying to keep it this way.  There’s no need to call Leo, ruin what he’s got going on, and invite a whole lot of chaos into my life if I don’t have to.”

“Why do you think Kurt told you this news now?”

“I’ve been racking my brain over the same question.  The only thing I can think is that Megan told him how much I’ve been agonizing about this and she asked him to put me out of my misery.  I’m sure the truth shocked her as much as it shocked me.”