The Truth About Love (15 page)

There was a pause.  Obviously my rant was laced with enough truth for the nurse to realize they had overlooked the obvious, which was to have Shane sign a new form.

“Someone will be right out to get you, ma’am.”

“Thank you.”

My words were crisp, not even remotely like my normally friendly nature.  I paced and fielded a call from Brynn who wondered where I was. Finally a male nurse opened the door.  He took my purse and phone, stuck them in a locker, secured them, and then passed me a key.

We walked in silence through the maze of halls to get to a new front desk.  As I signed in, I saw Shane coming over from the big open Day Room behind me.  He stood by my side as the nurse who let me into the unit went through the items in the Target bag.

As she examined them, she passed the pajamas back.  “Okay, these pants won’t work.  See?  Lace in the waistband.  Do you want me to remove it?”

They were one of Shane’s favorite pairs of fleece ones.  His face had a look of concern as he reached for them.  “Let me see if they will stay up without them.  I don’t want my pants falling down in here.”
 
He offered a shy smile, which was a rare expression on his face.  After a moment of fiddling to hold the pants to his waist, he realized it probably wouldn’t work and handed them back.  Then the socks were pulled out and passed to him.
 
He stared at me and for the first time, I saw him...old Shane, the man I fell so hard for.  It had been so long since I had seen him looking coherent, sounding calm.  Placing a hand on my lower back, he walked me into the already crowded room.  We found two seats together along the far side of the room.  After sitting, he spoke.
  “
I didn’t think you were coming.”

It broke my heart to think of disappointing him.  “Oh, I’ve been here for over twenty-five minutes.”
 
His brows knit together as he tried to understand the delay.
  “
They lost your release form and weren’t going to let me in without it.”

Smirking, he let out a chuckle.
  “
So this would be why I had to sign a new one.  I thought they just needed it because I was in a different unit.”
 
Hugging me close for a moment, he pulled back and looked me in the eyes.
  “
It’s really good to see you.”

“I know.  It’s good seeing you too.”  This honesty between us felt good.

“I should be getting out tomorrow.”  He beamed at me.

My face fell.  “Well, I haven’t spoken to the doctor, but the social worker tells me you can’t leave until the doctor feels you’ve been completely forthcoming.”  

Frustration clouded his face.
  “
I have been.  You know I don’t like talking about me, but I’ll do whatever they want me to do.’

“Good.”  I nodded.

That’s pretty much how the conversation went.  We kept it light.  There was little to discuss.  It seemed like it would be painful to share with him what was going on in the world he wasn’t a part of and it was just as troublesome for me to hear what was going on in the unit.  Already I knew there were groups throughout the day to occupy their time, but he didn’t think they were helping, and he hadn’t learned anything new or profound to impact his future.  The meds he was currently taking did seem to work well, and he was attributing his improved mental health entirely with them.  I was certain it played a huge role, but he would need the follow through, the therapy, learning new strategies for dealing with his anger, a complete attitude adjustment for us to have a chance, if we wanted one.

Our visits were short, since it was all either of us could handle and because Kylie really needed me to be home with her.  He walked me to the desk to sign out and was sure to give me a huge hug this time.

“I hate that I’m not going home with you.  I miss you both so much,” he murmured into my hair.

Pulling back, I smiled up at him.  “I know, but look at the positive.  This is like dating.  We’re getting to know each other all over again.”

“
How do you like me?  This me.”  He waited expectantly.

“So much better than the last Shane I lived with.”  I squeezed him once more.

Nodding, he made a huge admission.
  “
I like this Shane, too.  I don’t want to be angry anymore.”  

Then a nurse walked me from the unit and let me use my key to get my purse and phone.  Immediately, I began checking my phone for missed calls and messages.  Apparently, Kylie had not handled my absence well, which was not what I needed to hear.  As soon as I reached the car, I called Brynn.
  “
I’m finally on my way home.  Sorry it’s taking so long.”  

“Kylie had a meltdown.  She just now stopped crying.”  Brynn brightened.  “I’ll start dinner!”

As I drove home, I thought about the conversation I’d had with Shane and the answer I would give Maria.  There was so much to consider.

It was a different kind of morning.  Kylie and I slept together in the living room, but now we had another adult and a newborn under the roof.  Having extra people around was a mixed bag.  It helped having a built-in sitter, but it also created more work.  Trying to get the house back together was work enough.

Once we showered, and everyone was dressed and fed, we loaded the babies in the vehicle and drove to Home Depot.  While I wandered around with Kylie asleep in the stroller, looking for thermostats, Brynn did the smart thing and asked the nearest associate.

We paused in front of a long shelf of options. I stared at them, all together, individually, and finally found one which resembled the one in the hall.  It was $60.  As much as I hated paying for it, it was necessary.  There was no way we could stay in the house without heat for any length of time.  It was October and winter was coming.  Even in the south it wasn’t uncommon for the temperatures to fluctuate thirty or forty degrees throughout the day, so it was even around or below freezing at some points in the night.  Add in the still broken windows with their flapping plastic, which I didn’t know how to fix, and it was a great combination for sickness.

Once I made our purchase, we walked the sidewalk through the Centrum Parkway shopping plaza to reach K-mart.   After dropping money on a thermostat, the sleep pants weren’t going to be fancy, they were going to be functional...without a string.  

The selection there was rather impressive.  I pulled pair after pair off the racks...completely skipping over the cartoon figures, the movie ones, and the skulls and camo.  Now we were left with plaid flannel and plain thermal.  Finally, I settled on plain dark blue thermal.

“Do we need anything else?”  I asked as we walked toward the checkout.

Looking sheepish for a moment, Brynn finally responded.
  “
You need a new brush.”

My brow furrowed.  “No, I don’t.  I’ve had the same brush for years.”

“About that.”  Brynn sighed.  “I may have dropped it on the tile in the bathroom and it may have split down the middle.”

I bit my cheek.  “So my brush is dead?”

She nodded.
  Almost as an after thought, she added, “
And snacks!  We need snacks.”

By the time we left, I had picked up a new brush, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, and Carmex lip balm.
  When
we returned to the house in the afternoon, I was feeling calmer than I had in days.  Then the phone rang.

“Have you given any more thought to our discussion about changing the order?”  Maria asked.  “When is your court date?”

My blood ran cold.  “Tomorrow.  I have to be there for the afternoon session.”  My words caught in my throat.  “And yes, I’ve considered it.  Tell me what’s going on there.”  

“Well, I just finished speaking with the doctor.  She wants to speak with you, but she’s very busy.”  Some papers rustled in the background.  “She has your husband on some new meds and he seems to be responding well.  He’s finished coming off the Xanax.  He seems to be trying to share more, but he’s still reluctant.”  

“I’m not surprised.  Do you have a set discharge date in mind?”  I braced myself.

“Usually, we like to give it some time to make sure that the meds are right.  We talked today about letting him out in a week.”  She waited as if to give me a chance to speak, but I had nothing to say.  “The earliest would be next Wednesday when we have court.  There’s a mental health court here that he would have to plead his case at.  They will set the terms of his discharge and he should be able to go home from there.”  

Once she finished, I checked for understanding.  “So, he wouldn’t be out until next Wednesday, at the earliest?”

“Right.  As for tomorrow, I can fax you proof of hospitalization for court.”

My heart was racing as I considered all she had said.  I would definitely need the letter.  Another week would make me feel better, safer.  They would know for certain he was stable.

“You know he thinks he may be getting out today?”

“Yes, we know.”  I thought I recognized a hint of guilt in her voice.

“I’m worried about how he is going to handle the constant disappointment of having his discharge postponed, but maybe this is what you need to see, a meltdown, to appreciate what living with him has been like.  

“Absolutely.”

I thought for a moment.  “So, if he’s not getting out until Wednesday, I feel confident you’ll have his meds under control and his therapy may have taken hold.”

That’s how I ended up agreeing to let him come home.  I had a week to mentally prepare, to catch up completely and maybe even get ahead.  Brynn wouldn’t be able to stay that entire time, but since our visits tended to last about fifteen minutes, I didn’t see the need to kill myself to get there every day.

The fax machine in the office hummed to life, announcing Marie had kept her word and I had the paperwork I needed to take with me to the court.  It was a small consolation.  After the hearing tomorrow, I would be taking Brynn back to her place, and I’d be home alone once more with Kylie.  To some degree, I was really looking forward to it.

This time when I arrived at Billingsley, my Target bag was full of goodies he had requested like deodorant, body wash, more boxers and socks, along with the new sleep pants.  Given he would be in there for a while, it only made sense to make him as comfortable as possible.

Access was granted to me much faster than it had been the night before.  Because I had brought him everything he had requested, including proper sleep pants, I was feeling pretty confident and happy.  As soon as I saw him, I could feel his underlying misery.  Underneath, he was seething.  The cause was obvious.  Shane didn’t want to be here anymore.  There it was...he hadn’t even been released yet, but he was already losing his temper, gripped once more by depression.  

Silent tears dripped down my face in the Day Room.  Never do my tears garner his sympathy, or soften his feelings.  My tears were an annoyance, yet still I couldn’t stop.

Shane snapped.  “What’s your problem?”

“Seriously, I know you blame me for everything.”  I crossed my arms over my chest.  “Still, all I’ve done is try to help you get the treatment, and move heaven and earth to have someone take care of Kylie so I can be here for you.  I’m moving heaven and earth to make our life work and instead of being appreciative and looking for the best you want to be miserable and make me miserable.”  I swipe at my eyes. “This is the last night I’ll be able to come see you.  This is how you want me to feel?”  

Shane froze.  “Why is this the last night?”

“I had Brynn stay until after court.  Tomorrow I’ll have to take her back.”  I shrugged.  

“Brynn is staying with you?”  His brow furrowed.

I stared at him a moment.  “You haven’t given this any thought at all, have you?  It’s always about you.  Meanwhile, Kylie and I are staying in a house with broken windows and no thermostat.”  I spoke under my breath in a room full of stranger.  “What do you think that’s like?  Think that’s safe for her?  I’m making the best of the situation, even given that I don’t have an IV pole.”  

He just stared at me like he didn’t know what to say.

“Tomorrow, I have court and I’m supposed to tell the courts I want the Protective Order revised so you can live in the house because you are so much better, but you are still being a jerk, still angry.  Why should I?”  I glared at him.

Staring at the floor for a moment, he finally looked up at me.  He was hunched over, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped around a pair of spare socks I’d given him.  It took him a moment before he spoke.
  “
I...didn’t think.  I’m just miserable here.  Everyone here is crazy.  I’m not.”

Nodding, I watched him, waited to see if he had more to say.  When it was clear he didn’t, I stood.  Recognizing the signal, he walked me to the desk.  That was when he finally found his words.
  “
Thank you for coming.”  His words sounded foreign.

“You’re welcome.”  That was my last visit to the hospital.

At home after dinner, Brynn fell asleep.  Soon after, Max woke.  I picked him up, laid him on my chest and watched in satisfaction as he fell asleep.  Beside me, Kylie snored lightly against my thigh.  This was probably the very best part of my day.

***

Finally, I snuck out of the house at 12:30, so Kylie wouldn’t cry when I left.  The half hour drive went quickly and I parked in the government building parking deck.   After walking across the street and entering the courthouse, I stepped in line at the security checkpoint for the building.  While the line was normally very somber, today, it seemed different.  Apparently the guards had decided to break up the monotony of their job by quizzing everyone as they passed through.  It was more of a poll, really.

“Who is Don Qui-hoto?”  The guard asked.
 
He seemed to really enjoy how each person answered incorrectly.  Honestly, it was rather funny watching him, on account of the fact he wasn’t even pronouncing the character’s name properly.  Then after he marked down the tally of the answer, he asked where they went to school.

People were making excuses, left and right, trying to not feel stupid, which clearly was partially his intent. As it grew nearer to my turn, I couldn’t help but think how ironic it was I was being quizzed on a protagonist who went crazy and battled windmills while dealing with similar drama in my life.  

He looked me in the eye and I really almost felt guilty about killing the sparkle in his. “Do you know who Don Quixoto is?”  His face was smug.

“Actually, it’s Don Quixote, he battled windmills, and I was educated in New York.”  Without watching for his reaction, I pushed my purse into the x-ray and walked through the metal detector.  When I reached the other side and put my hand out to grab my purse, the guard waiting there gave me a handshake instead.

“Good job!”

“Thank you.”

Then I rode the elevator to the same floor I had been on just over a week before and walked confidently into the very same courtroom.  It seemed familiar and scary all at the same time.  As before, I was stuck sitting in the room through case after case, waiting for my turn while this new judge stood before me.

Several times I had been pulled out of the room by Victim’s Assistance.  The new caseworker wanted to introduce herself and ask how everything was going.  

“At the moment he’s in Billingsley.”  I explained.

“So you’re safe and he’s getting help.”  She seemed to feel reassured.  “The judge will likely give you a continuance since he isn’t here.”

“Actually, I need to have the order modified.  The social worker asked me to make sure he can come home when he is released next Wednesday so he can participate in some court mandated intensive outpatient therapy program.”

She looked at me with concern.
  “
I think this is a terrible idea.”

Frowning, I looked down and played with the letter in my hand.  “I get it.  I’m not thrilled either, but I am trying to do the right thing.  Before any of this happened I knew he needed help.  It turns out he had a psychotic break because of the meds he was on.”

It was obvious she was still unconvinced, but rather than argue with me, she simply nodded.
  “
We’ll see what the judge says.”

Then we went back in the courtroom.  The interminable waiting frustrated the heck out of me.  My case would be quick, but slogging through the other slew of cases was the problem.  When at last it was my turn, I walked up to the table to be sworn in.  

“So, Mr. Powers isn’t here?”  The judge questioned.

“He’s in the hospital on Billingsley,” I explained.  “I have a letter from the social worker as proof.”

After glancing at the letter I brought him, he looked at me once more.  “Well, I’ll have to continue this case.  We can’t proceed without him.”

I could tell he was ready to move on to the next case, but I wasn’t finished with him yet.  “Wait!  I was told by the social worker I need to have the order modified so he can come home when he is discharged.  They want to have him in a special program.”

Truly, I felt ridiculous.  Honestly, I was asking the judge to remove the one part of the order which guaranteed my safety.  It was the same as dismissing the case altogether, really.  

From the way he looked down from his seat and peered at me over his glasses, I could tell he thought I was as ridiculous and clueless as I felt.
  “
So you want him to be able to come home, but you still worry about your safety?”

me: Ignoring his question, I rattled off my practiced response.  “I was told that I could call the sheriff to pick him up if he doesn’t take his meds as prescribed, or if he fails to continue with therapy.”  

Using every last bit of confidence I managed to scrape up, I continued to look the judge in the eye.  Apparently, it worked.  He agreed to modify the order and I soon walked out of the courthouse feeling pleased.  We still had to return on November 20
th
to finalize everything, but for now Shane would be happy and a happy Shane was a safe Shane.