The Truth About Love (17 page)

My head was spinning.  The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I’d been tricked, taken advantage of.  Somehow, I knew this would amount to nothing.  No follow up.  No follow through.  More shattered hope.

We walked back to the SUV in silence.  Once we had Kylie strapped in, and were in our seats, Shane finally spoke.  “That was nothing like I expected.”

“Yeah, me neither.”  I stared out the window as I tried to process my thoughts and feelings.

“Is there anything we need to do while we’re out?”  He reached over and laid a hand on my thigh. 

It comforted me greatly.  A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I tried to shake off the funk.  “We might as well get some groceries so I don’t have to go out later.”  
It was time
to find a new normal, bit by bit, every day.

Chapter Sixteen
 

On Halloween morning, Shane had to go to the hospital.  It was med-check day where he’d discover if his meds were working or needed to be changed.
 
So far, I was pleased with the results.  His temper had remained in check, despite the constant challenges life presented.  When he returned, I was almost afraid to find out the results.  I knew not everything was fast acting.
  “
What happened?”

He looked at me for a minute.
  “
Are you interested, concerned, or just checking up on me?”

I bit my bottom lip as I considered his question.  “Interested and concerned.”

With that response, he smiled.
  “
I’m off the clonidine and now they have prescribed something for restless leg syndrome.  It’s a side effect of the Seroquel.”

I’d noticed the issue with his legs, understood how frustrated he must be.  “Well, I hope it works.”

Despite all the drama lately, it was still Halloween.  A typical Halloween at our house meant we’d have a family of pumpkins out front, carved with power tools, filled with tea lights, ready to glow and greet our trick-or-treaters.  There would be an entire scary scene played out in the front yard from the huge inflatable spider, to the grim reapers, the frightening scarecrows, and the rabid growling, demon dog.  There were normally foggers...plural.  Lights...many strands, colors, and styles.  The candy was plentiful, the atmosphere festive.

Across the road, Lola and Evan would have a bonfire going in the front yard.  There would be a cookout.  We’d have s’mores, alcohol for the adults, soda for the kids, glow sticks for people and pets.  It was one of our favorite nights of the year.  Seriously.

Only this year at our house there were no decorations.  There were no pumpkins.  We bought candy last minute along with Kylie’s costume.  It was fine, but the feelings weren’t the same.  While Shane refused to go over to Lola and Evan’s fire, I was back and forth between our house and theirs, trying to talk to everyone, keep all involved happy.  Luckily Kylie would never know better, since she was too little last year to remember the difference.  It was our first alcohol free holiday, spent mostly alone.  We were acutely aware of how empty the night felt.
 

Then, the next morning, it was as though none of it had happened. 
When Shane strode down the hall this morning, he had an announcement to make.
  “
Binswinger called.  The glass for the windows is ready.  I’m going to go pick it up and install it today, that way we’ll be able to sleep in our bedroom tonight.”

It was the last part of the home repair we needing completion and none too soon.  November had officially arrived.  “That would be lovely.”

After nights spent in the great room so Kylie could sleep on the couch or in the porta-crib, finally being back in our room sounded wonderful.  While I loved having our baby snuggled up against me, I never allowed myself to sleep too deeply in case she started to roll.  Someone had to keep her from cracking her head on the floor in the middle of the night.  Blanket bumpers had proven useless.  I had caught her last minute on more than one occasion. It was time to get her back in the safety of her crib.

While he was gone picking up the glass, I worked on cleaning out the crib.  Just in case of any hidden glass, I flipped and banged out the mattress while the blankets and fitted sheet were in the washer.  I dusted down the entire crib and reassembled it after the laundry was finished.  

By the time I was done in there, Shane had returned with glass and lunch for us.  This was a really nice change.  In the past, I was often left to fend for myself because it simply never occurred to him that he should bring me food too.  As soon as we finished eating, he went to work, determined to get the windows in before we lost our daylight.

With Shane working in the bedroom, Kylie and I stayed in the great room.  The desire to know what her da-da was doing about killed her.  She was never happier than when she was under foot, watching and absorbing every little move we made.  I loved it, seeing my little sponge soak up knowledge, but this wasn’t the right time or place for her to participate.

Finally, when he was all done with daylight to spare, Shane came and sat down on the couch beside me.
  “
Our room is ready.  The windows are in and it looks like you cleaned and set up Kylie’s crib.”  

Then it happened.
 
He smiled at me.  I studied him for a moment, but it didn’t take long for me to realize he was genuinely happy.  Yes, finally, he had a taste of what the rest of us experienced on a daily basis without drugs or alcohol.  Wow.

“What are you thinking?”  He asked as he reached over to hold my hand.

I looked at our fingers knotted together.  “Happy is a good look for you.”

He chuckled.  “It felt good to work.  As much as it was a pain in the ass, I like knowing that we have our room back.  I even worked up a little bit of a sweat.”
 
He wiped his brow and showed me the moisture that had collected on the back of his hand.

“Yummy.”  I joked, making a face.

“I need a shower before bed tonight.”  He mentioned as he leaned back on the couch.

“Have at it.”  I jerked my head toward the hall.  “Now that we’ll be sharing a bed, I wholeheartedly approve.”
 
Then I let out a giggle, which shocked both of us.  Somewhere along the way, I’d stopped.  Shane’s funk had pervaded my attitude.  I was perfectly good at being happy as long as I didn’t have someone making me unhappy.  In the past, his impacted everyone around him.

Shutting my eyes for a moment, I forced myself to remember to stay positive.  These changes were good.  I had to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

By the next morning, however, it felt as though we’d made no progress at all.  Somehow, I’d thought after being home a week and sleeping apart on the couch, he’d be comfortable, eager, and ready.  I wanted my husband to pounce on me.  Last night had been a disappointment.  I still stung from it. 
When he made the mistake of asking what bothered me, I rather exploded on him in the morning.
  “
I don’t want this forever.  I can’t.”  I blurted out, unable to meet him gaze.

“What are you talking about?”  I could feel him tensing as we spoke.

Shaking my head in frustration, I tried to express myself. “I understand because you were such a man whore, sex has little meaning to you…”  I threw my hands up and he interrupted.

“Snuggling with you at night is just as good, maybe more so because I didn’t do that in the past.”  He dropped onto the couch, leaned over and clasped his hands together.

“Well, bully for you.”  I gritted out.  “I only slept with guys I really cared about.  Meanwhile, I’m madly in love with you and we sometimes go months at a time without having sex.  What happily married couple does that?”

He looked completely taken aback.  Then his eyes clouded over and he turned it on me, like always.  “Why would I want to be close to someone who is mean to me?”

“Why would I want to stay with someone who doesn’t care about my needs, who doesn’t make me feel loved and wanted, who clearly doesn’t find me attractive?”  I shot back before I stood and prepared to storm out of the room.

“You would leave over sex?”  He glared at me, his jaw tight.

Shaking my head, I frowned.  “If you think it’s about sex, then you’re missing the point.”

No matter how I tried, I just couldn’t get him to understand how much that one act meant.  It wasn’t just a physical thing, to me it meant so much more.  Because of his reaction, I knew I had lost him for the day.  Though he could claim all he wanted I was the one to hold a grudge, he was the one to withhold everything...sex, love, affection, even his presence.  

An hour passed and I wasn’t at all surprised to hear he had offered to drive his friend to a job interview and would be back at the ever so precise time of later.  Naturally, ‘later’ was three hours in the making.  Then when Kylie was taking a nap, he started playing with me, snuggling, kissing, fondling.  Silly me, I thought it might lead to a nooner, and offer me the hope I needed to hang on a while longer.

Instead, he suddenly announced he was going across the road to talk to Evan.  Minutes later, when I leaned out the door to ask him a question, he was driving away in the truck.  To say I was furious would be an understatement.  After I called repeatedly and he refused to answer, I started packing.  I knew he was avoiding me.  Just as I was about to load the SUV, he called back.

“What?”  He didn’t even try to hide his annoyance.

“Where are you?  How do you say you are going to do one thing and then do another without talking to me?”

“I don’t know what you’re so upset about.  I just needed some me time.  It’s beautiful out and I wanted to go for a drive.”

Nothing he said appeased me.  “Awesome.  Good for you, getting your time.”  I sighed loudly.  “Honestly, Shane.  Why do you do these things?  I’m leaving.  Obviously, nothing I ever say gets through to you.  My feelings don’t matter to you.  You don’t respect me enough to let me be a part of your life.”

I could hear him slam his fist against the steering wheel.  “Dammit, I’ll be home in ten minutes.  Get a grip.  How can I talk to you?  You’re the crazy one.”

“Right.”  Still his words stung.  Was I crazy?  Mostly I felt like I didn’t matter.  It seemed I was killing myself to hold onto something that wasn’t even there.
So, I added more supplies to the vehicle.  My phone rang and Lola’s face appeared on the screen.

“I can see you are upset.”  She noted.  

Looking up, I realized I had witnessed to the entire exchange.  Ah, the beauty of having friends across the road.  She was sitting outside talking to Evan.  
“
Yup.  I’m done.  I just…I’m done.”

“Come over and talk.”  She waved me over.  “Get away from it for a bit.  You know Shane.  He’ll be gone for hours.  And if you still want to leave after talking to me, I’ll help you pack.”

We ended our call and I went in to check on Kylie.  She has just woken up, was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.  Dropping the side of her crib, I reached in and pulled her to me, snuggling her close.
  “
Oh, Kylie, mama loves you so very much.”

After a diaper change, I popped her on my baby hip and walked across the road.  Flopping down into the nearest Adirondack chair, I sighed heavily.

“That good, huh?”  Lola grimaced.

I told her everything, even about the lack of sex.  “I don’t know what to do anymore.  I spend all my time worrying he’s going to snap again and if he does, I don’t know if I have the strength to call the police.”

“If you are that miserable, you need to start moving things back over here.”  She jerked her thumb toward their open garage.  “And we’ll always look out for you.  I’m not afraid to call 911 if I think you need back up.”

Nodding miserably in agreement, I pondered my next move.  
“
I need to get out.  I spend all my time at home working and caring for Kylie.  It doesn’t have to be anything big or fancy.  Hell, I want to go to dinner.  I just want to be an adult and relax and get away.”

In the past, I would have wanted to go out with Shane, but at the moment, I wanted to be as far away from him as possible.  Then he pulled into the driveway, half an hour later than his earlier promise.  I didn’t rush over to greet him, like I normally would.  There was no wave, no smile, no indication I cared at all.  It felt good.

“Okay, let’s go to dinner.”  Lola suggested.  “We’ll meet at six.”

We made plans to go to Hickory Tavern with Kylie.  Reluctantly, I trudged back across the street.  It was time for Kylie’s feed anyway.
 
As I entered the garage, I found him pouring a beer into a cup.  I’m not sure what surprised me more, the beer or the cup.  Wondering how tit would mix with the meds, I was glad I had ditch bags packed in the back of the vehicle.

“Hi!”  He greeted us happily.

“Hi.”  My response was flat.

I walked past him into the house.  It wasn’t like he tried to stop us or really engage in conversation.  Since it didn’t matter if we told each other where we were going, I didn’t feel the need to let him know I wouldn’t be around for dinner.  Sure, this was a horrible way to treat a marriage, getting back at each other instead of talking through things, but it didn’t seem to work with him.  This wasn’t enough for me.  Shane wasn’t enough for me.

When he finally entered the house, I was sitting on the floor finishing Kylie’s feed.  I’d have to leave within the next ten minutes to be on time.

“Want me to make dinner?  I saw there’s chicken in the fridge I can cook.”  Suddenly he wanted to be helpful and act like a family.

I frowned.  “Nope.  Let’s do dinner on our own.  I’m taking Kylie to Target to get some things she needs.  Chances are, I’ll eat dinner out.”

He slumped on the couch.  This was uncharacteristic for me.  Always, I was the one trying to make sure we had family meals.  I never did anything without discussing with him.  I’d always tried to model for him the behavior I wanted in our marriage.  Now, however, I was channeling him, doing just as he did.  Clearly, he didn’t like it.